Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

[tiedyewhale]

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

Who is insisting that you strap yourself into a xena outfit?

I was an 18.20 and larger and always dresses as a black cat, or Minnie mouse. Ears a tail and a black catsuit or red spotty dress for Minnie. I hate it too but at least I tried.

I do not like fancy dress. My usual approach is to wear whatever I usually wear and feel comfortable in and then take one obvious accessory to show willing. I once went to an 80s themed hen night - I dressed up a bit and carried a Eurythmics LP. All my friends wore neon/fishnets/whatever but that kind of self-humiliation is not my idea of fun.

I agree, post the theme and your parameters. I am sure MN can come up with some creative suggestions.

A hat is a great idea, if you craft a good one people will be captivated and not comment on the rest of your outfit. I usually take something to carry and wave it at anyone who asks.

I'm getting some good ideas for simply making a token effort so thank everyone.

What comes across though is how much we all hate it. You did it, made an effort but would have felt so much happier in something nicer

I stand by what I said (in so much as it was true) but still think I should have zipped it.

The first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people - comparison is the thief of joy.

You need to be happy in YOUR own skin - whatever size it is. The important thing is that you go to your friends party and have fun - and I'm pretty sure there are ways to embrace the fancy dress theme.

If it's something 'showbizzy', for example, can't you go as a well known star/character from TV/film/musical who is of larger build? There are plenty of them. I think if you did some research you could put together a cool outfit that looks great and doesn't break the bank!

But this is why I said fancy dress doesn’t have to be all-in. Take the basis of an outfit you’re already comfortable and confident in and accessorise it. You’ve not said the theme but take the 60’s theme - it doesn’t have to be so basic and literal with stereotypes of hippies. It’s probably out one of the easiest to fashion together. You can take almost any dress you already own and add a specific hat and neck scarf, or those cat eye shades. You don’t need to SCREAM 60’s. It’s meant to be fun and creative and while some people will rent costumes or go full pelt, not everyone has to. The point is just to enjoy everyone’s efforts.

I had a Lord of the rings themed costume party once. Some people wore their already owned best hobbit clothes. A couple of guys made armour with cardboard. One girl wore a gold dress and just said she was the ring. One guy wore a fake beard and said he was Peter Jackson. I thought everyone’s efforts were perfect, hilarious, and I loved ALL effort (big and small) because everyone was on board with it. We all had fun and it was all silly. It’s just not that deep girl.

Tbh, OP, I hate fancy dress. My partner loves it so, on the occasions we've been invited to a fancy dress night, he's straight in there!

Me? I turn up in whatever I want to wear. I'm never the only one. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it either.

And again, I’m highlighting, I’m a big girl. I’m not always in love with my body and I certainly won’t be shoving myself into a Xena outfit either. I won’t wear something unless my arms are covered, shopping is NOT fun for me ever. But this should be. Do it YOUR way, however that looks. If it’s only a teeny tiny bit on theme, that’s fine. Your attendance means much more than how on point a costume is!

I absolutely detest fancy dress. Detested as a size 8 and a size 20 (and everything in-between). I even hate it for the kids.... as I'm still left to sort it, even if I'm not actually partaking.

Fancy dress can fuck off. Thankfully I don't have much of a social life these days so it shouldn't be an issue for me any time soon.

YANBU to feel how you feel and if you dislike fancy dress that's of course up to you. It isn't just for slimmer people though, honest! I've been going to a big organised halloween bash every year for the last 10 plus years, and have gone as a size 10, a size 22, and everything in between.

As a PP says, the theme won't be outing - just tell us what it is and I am positive that people can come up with ideas. Even if you just want to give a 'nod' to the theme.

Good idea - OP could be jabba the hut or Fat Bastard.

Seriously though, "dress as a famous fat person" is an odd suggestion to give someone who has said they lack body confidence!

I'm the opposite! I'm fat and I love fancy dress. Much prefer it to trying to be dressy and impressive at a party. For me, fancy dress is about fun and looking a bit daft, so I don't have thr pressure of having to look nice. I struggle with "normal" party wear as my insecurities about my weight / appearance means I never feel like I look nice in anything. But fancy dress I go all in and look amazing because I don't have to look attractive, just odd and daft and fun.

Absolutely this. I don't go if I can avoid it. I find it pointless.

Hi OP, you ca do low key fancy dress. Pick an outfit you already have and feel comfortable in and thrn find a character and accessories to make thr costume. So if its leggings and a floaty top for example, you can be all sorts of things, witches hat, a top hat, some cat ears, add a cape, be a 'shadow', make a hat to be a traffic light, devil horns, wings. You dont have to actually buy a costume for fancy dress. I once went to a fancy dress as anlog. Just wore brown and pinned some twigs and leaves on.

Nice outfit and OTT accessories or plain outfit with accessories. Job done. I'm guessing it's Moulin Rouge or burlesque from the OP - black or red outfit, big hair and feathers and OTT makeup?

I’m a size 12 and wouldn’t be wearing a Xenia outfit either. I think you might be overthinking it a little.

You can definitely do something low key with accessories. Shame you can’t post the theme as there will some creative people who can come up with something good.

sixties theme, normal black trousers, tie dye t shirt, hippy flowers in your hair type of look.

I went to a movie star one dresses as Charlie Chaplin, just bought a cheap bowler hat on eBay, everything else I adapted what I already had or borrowed. (Had to keep the hat on to avoid the Hitler comparisons 😂)

Ditto. If I ever get an invite to a themed or fancy dress event my first thought is ‘how can i get out of this’

I attended a music weekend every year for over a decade until a new promoter took over and made each year a different theme - I hated that it stopped being about the music and became more about who had the most elaborate outfit

My beautiful and creative larger friend rocks the most amazing head pieces to fancy dress parties, which she makes herself. Because she wears normal party dresses she ends up looking miles better than all the dresses up folk.

I agree with you if you are trying to reflect the same kind of aesthetic and style as the people who are using it as an exuse for the skimpy outfits. Don't go down that path.

Start with the party outfit that you feel comfortable and happy in. Working from that, your task is to think how to accessorise and augment it in a way that links to the fancy dress theme. Be imaginative, and remember you don't have to portray an exact likeness of anything, you can represent something conceptual. The art is in the justification. If a banana stuck to the wall with duct tape can be Great Art then the outfit you like wearing can be Fancy Dress. If you like, start a new thread with a one-off username and we will help you to brainstorm a link.

To be honest, do you feel good with any photo? Because I’m taller (i always wanted to be short btw) and slimmer than you and don’t like any photos. Fancy dress I feel the same way as you. I’m like oh I’m too this I’m too that. And in reality fancy dress is stupid. Fun. But stupid. The idea of looking good in it is a bit moot. You can also just wear whatever you want and add to it like glasses or just make up or a scarf or hat. Kindly, is this really fancy dress or is it about your insecurities?

If it’s this any nice black dress already owned, feather boa - Hair feather. No one is questioning it.

I defo think OP is taking it too seriously and far too literally. It doesn’t need to be perfect movie quality. The best costumes are usually tongue in cheek or have an ironic twist anyway.

I hate it with a passion and always say that I have plans that evening. I'm 5ft 4 and size 10-12.

I hate fancy dress whether I am going through a fat phase or a slim phase. It’s annoying.

Fancy dress is for those under 10.

Pretty close!

As above. Dress you already own/are comfortable in, feather boa and hair feather.

Alternatively smart work trousers and a blouse/shirt and tie. Sleek hair back. Flip the script. Bonus points for getting someone to mark your shirt/face with a big red lipstick print.