Fancy dress isn't for fat people.

[tiedyewhale]

I’ve worried my friend a bit and want to know if I was unreasonable.

My friend has an anniversary coming up. She’s planned a party. We were having drinks and she said that the invites were going out soon and she’d picked a fantastic fancy dress theme (can’t what it is, too outing.)

All our other friends were excited - and then she saw my face. I made a joke about being grinchy about fancy dress, but that I was still very much looking forward to the party. She point blank asked me why I disliked fancy dress, and I’d had a few wines, and so I told her…

I’m fat. I’m 5’2” and was 16 stone. I’m now 13.5 stone and losing steadily but realistically I’ll be fat for a long time still. I’ve been fat for 15 years. My other friends are all slim (and about 5 inches taller!) It’s really easy when you’re a slender/standard size to go into a charity shop and get fun cheap things that fit the theme and which look great. As a size 18 -20 pickings are slim and usually dreadful. I spend a lot of time choosing nice going out clothes that don’t make me feel awful and that I feel confident in, but I’ll end up at a fancy dress party in something unflattering that makes me sad.

Buying ready made fancy dress is worse- nasty cheap material, usually slightly slutty.

At a 60s hen party a few years ago everyone was rocking fun micro mini dresses and knee boots they’d got in charity shops. They had nothing in my size so I was in some flares I’d had to order from Shien and a T-shirt I’d had to tie dye myself. The picture of us all just makes me feel terribly upset. I look like a tie dye whale. I did have a flattering wrap dress that I loved and made me happy but obviously couldn’t wear it. Dressing is just so much harder as a larger person.

Now, me being fat is a me problem. I’m fully aware of that, and I’m now finally managing to lose weight. This is my friend’s party and I’ll go regardless, and try not to feel like a self conscious lump. My friend is lovely and it’s not her fault I’m fat and that fancy dress makes me sad. But- other fat friends all feel the same. Fancy dress is a slim woman’s game.

My friend (5’10”, size 8) looks amazing in pretty much anything. She’s picked a theme that’s a bit risqué and will look sensational while I just can’t think of what I’ll do. I also work full time, have 3 junior aged children and a seriously unwell mother so no time to visit lots of shops/ make something.

As I said my friend is lovely and I feel sad that I’ve worried her. She asked her MIL, SIL and neighbour (all larger people) and apparently they all said the same as me- her MIL said she "dreaded" fancy dress. She’s now rethinking the theme or thinking of making it optional but I think that’ll be worse- people are lazy, there will only be a few people who bother dressing up and it’ll be a shame as it’s not what she wants.

I stand by my premise that fancy dress isn’t for fat people but was I unreasonable for saying something? She did ask….

(Ps I know I was wrong. How do I fix this?)

I’m with you on every point OP 👏

I'm a fat lass @tiedyewhale myself, I'm much bigger than you and also not very tall.
I think you need to look at the parts of your body you dislike and find the ones you like and look at ways of emphasising and disguising.

I find with bigger lassies we wear too much fabric to hide ourselves which does and injustice to curves that would look much better without being swamped.

It's hard to give suggestions without a theme but it sounds like a sexy kind of dress up, pin up style lends it's self wonderfully to curvier women, would you be able to incorporate that style into the brief?

Whatever it is its hard to love and embrace a body you're not comfortable with, I'm trying to be Kinder to my own as I've struggled with my weight for years now so you have my sympathy, just try and focus on good features and try as hard as you can to not compare yourself to your friends. It's so hard and I get it, I'm about 5 stone above my ideal weight and it's so overwhelming at times, but being fat is far from the worst thing anyone could be and shouldn't stop them living life 💐

I'm all for the grotesque when it comes to fancy dress.

Moulin Rouge / go as the windmill.

I'm only a little taller than you (like 2 inches max) and an 18-20 and I'm a big girl cosplayer

The first time I was quite self conscious but people loved the costume and it gave me confidence. Sometimes it's "bigger" costumes like Ursula, sometimes it's someone like Gaston, not a typical "fat" costume

I think you've probably decided you look awful and can't help comparing yourself to your friends. Stop that.

Unless the theme is "Dress as Fiona from her old photos" then you can't be outing just giving the theme for us to give some ideas

Could you wear a black dress with a low neck and high heels and just add something that might make it tie in with the theme. Spend time on your make up and hair and you already look good before you add anything.

It sounds as if it's a Tarts and Vicars type do. If so, and taking that as an example, a huge brightly coloured boa, low neck, dangly earrings and fishnet tights..

If it's a super hero theme, add a big crown from a fancy dress shop, wear a sash and carry a light flashing sabre (from a toyshop) High heels and a low neckline won't go amiss either. Maybe a massive costume jewellery brooch.

Use the low neckline black dress and high heels as a base to make you feel slimmer and taller and just add what ever might go with the theme.

I'm not a fan either, I'm a size 20-22 and not particularly body confident. I'm tall, which sounds great, but I feel I stick out even more.

In fact I've been invited to a fancy dress party next week and have pulled out

I might throw a moulin rouge fancy dress just to do this! 😂

That was my thought for Moulin Rouge tbh 🤣

Or wear green and some wings and be Absynith/Green Fairy like in the film

"go as the windmill" may be the best advice I've ever read on Mumsnet!

Ffs seriously? What overweight woman wants to go to a party as Obelix when all her friends are in sexy Roman toga costumes?

You’ve actually just proved the OP’s point - she wants to go to a party and feel like she looks good, not go dressed as a comedy fat person. But they’re the only options you can think of.

Fancy dress is fucking horrific and I agree that whoever suggests it as a party theme, has a brilliant outfit and looks fan fucking tastic in it.

Brilliant for them, but you can guarantee that at least 70% of those invited, roll their eyes and say FFS.

Or Madame Manet - black dress, but if white lace round the neckline a choker and carry a bottle of absinthe and a glass

I would put fancy dress, karaoke and hen weekends in the same bin and set fire to them . I'm 5'4" and slim.

I had a joint fancy dress for my 50th and my sisters 60th. Her guests came dressed in 60s. Mine in 70s .... but only if they wanted to. Most of our guests dressed up. Some wore normal night out clothes. Some went waaaaay overboard. Some wore a tshirt that said this is my fancy dress outfit! I loved that!
My friend and I went to a party dressed as 2 of ABBA. I'm a size 12 and she's a size 18-20. mine was white trousers and top.and the little blue hat. Hers was like an overtop thing that matched mine off ebay. And she wore leggings and silver boots and a wig. She looked fabulous...all blue eyeshadow Everywhere!
But if you don't do fancy dress then you don't. I wouldn t make myself uncomfortable for the evening. But I did think my friends tshirts were great, very tongue in cheek

How on earth are you a size 18-20, I'm your height and weigh 13 stone 2lb and I'm a size 14.

But from what you've said I personally would wear a corset style top and then black jeans and heels.

Yanbu. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re the bigger one (even if not morbidly obese eg a 14/16 amongst a group of size 8 ladies). And that’s before you even start on fancy dress. Definitely just a nod to the theme is enough, eg for the 60s party you could have just worn the normal dress you felt good in and added some round coloured glasses and a hippy daisy chain in your hair.

I also ALWAYS dress up for Rocky Horror, a good pair of heels does wonders and I changed my costume up last time and got the most amazing feedback about looking "hot"

If it's Rocky Horror though, there are plenty of "non sexy" choices. Like the Narrator, Doctor Scott, The Transylvanians (just wear a party hat and feather boa), Janet at the start, even be the lady from the American Gothic painting from the film

I automatically say no to invitations to fancy dress parties and have done so at all sizes from 14-22. It’s shit. Nobody is comfortable. It adds to the cost. It’s not ‘fun’ it’s fucking stupid.
This doesn’t really help you OP, but there it is.

If its burlesque or moulin rouge, its made for your body type OP. Nothing like the 60s which was no friend to anyone but Twiggy. However, if you're self conscious it won't work for you. Personally I'd tell my friend I was wearing my normal going out stuff because fancy dress made me feel horrible. No friend is going to want you to feel bad about yourself.

I suspect she's not a 20 any more but hasn't accepted that she's not "fat" any more

I'm a big girl too and I hate fancy dress, for pretty much the same reasons as you. I am not lacking in self-confidence and I don't hate my body, but I do think not everything looks good on me no matter how much I like it and I want to decide what to wear, not someone else. Also, I think those small touches and hints to a theme fool no-one. It is like hanging a sign around your neck saying "I am too fat to wear the theme confidently". I think fancy dress for grown up should always be voluntary. If that means that most people don't wear it, then maybe that is a sign to the host that their friends don't enjoy fancy dress parties and they should consider that in future.

just wear an outfit you feel great in and just have a nod to the theme with a hat or accessories. You are overthinking this.

Yeah, they all felt shit about it. Those who went along resented it. Those wh9 didn’t felt awkward. Guaranteed.

yes I think the oversized trend doesn't work for us short mid sized people either, it makes me look huge (as wide as am I tall!) so I'm sticking with my usual.

There is always a way to be creative and be comfortable and be you.