Partner (step parent) push my 6 yo son

[Pinkie89]

Me and my partner were having a tiff over something trivial but I could see he was visibly annoyed. About a minute or 2 into the disagreement my 6 yo son hit him playfully but forcefully (they always play fight) and my partner (step parent) reacted and pushed him. It wasn’t a playful push, he was annoyed at me and this resulted in him pushing my son as a reaction to the punch. This took my son by surprise but I quickly reacted and went mad at my partner then took my son upto bed. My son was crying but I don’t know if that was because of my reaction or because he was genuinely upset. He said it was a forceful push, but it wasn’t strong enough to push him over/into something.

my partners initially response afterwards was “well he shouldn’t have hit me”. To me this is completely irrelevant. My son did it playfully, and he’s a child. My partner is an adult and should know that’s not ok. He has since been very apologetic and says he knows he shouldn’t have done it, it was a reaction to being punched and stopping it. We’ve been together 4 years but living together only 6 weeks. He’s otherwise been good with the kids and they’d be very sad to see him go.

I know this is absolutely not acceptable. It’s got me questioning everything. AIBU to think I need to end the relationship? I don’t trust my own judgement anymore, am I overreacting?

I would go mad too! Can't really advise whether to end the relationship but definitely this can't happen again

Get him out now. And in future, be very wary of adult men who think it’s okay to “play fight” with your young child. It’s not okay.

You only have one option if you want to prioritise the emotional and physical safety of your son.

He is a CHILD.

Your partner putting his hands on him in anger is unacceptable. Period.

Your son maybe chose a wrong time to do that, but again, he is a CHILD.

Things like this always escalate.

So it's up to you whether you prioritise your son and get out now, or you wait 10 years until he doesn't want to come home, falls in with the wrong crowd, refuses to go to school and starts drugs or drinking.

Yes, all that may sound dramatic now, but don't underestimate the impact of a young boy and man feeling unsafe in his own home because of a man his mother chose and continues to choose.

You can do this. Trust your instincts.

It would be the end of us and the last time he ever did anything to my child.

I don't think you are over-reacting. He's only been there six weeks and he's forcefully shoved a 6yo.

Will you still trust him with your 6yo, if you nip to the shop, and leave them alone? Answer that, and you'll know what to do.

You don’t even need to ask mumsnet OP, you need to end your relationship. No one pushes my son, even if DH did I’d divorce him there’s no way I’d stay. Protecting my son over anyone.

I don't see pushing a kid as a big deal. It's not like he shoved him to the ground. This is why my son and I stopped the play fights around that age. Someone was always getting hurt!

Probably your OTT reaction upset him way more than the push.

I would end a relationship with my DD's biological father over this never mind a step parent- kick the loser out.

I'm always surprised in the amount of 'play fighting' that goes on. Why is it even necessary to 'any kind of fight' with a child? I assume it is some sort of power play because of the power imbalance between an adult and a child the child, the child is never going to win the 'play fight'. Are there not other forms of interaction you can have with kids?

I can not advise if this is a relationship ender for you but grown men aggressively pushing a child and children being encouraged to hit an adult because... 'play fight' are both questionable.

The punch was poorly timed in the heat of an argument but you can't expect a child to understand that. The point is if this behaviour had not been encouraged as a form of entertainment then it's unlikely the situation would have even happened.

There must be other ways to bond that don't involve hitting each other for fun.

Who's house are you living in?

Maybe sit everyone down and put some house ground rules down. Don’t argue in front of children also.

I'm with @OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret play fighting is bad enough between children - I hate it between adults and children. Only the OP knows whether the push was overly aggressive and she needs to end the relationship. If it's not a relationship ender I would definitely put an end to the play fighting. There are far more constructive ways they can play together physically or not.

From my experience with DS, he thrives on physical play and would instigate 100% of our play fights. We stopped around the age of OP's son mainly because I got a few too many whacks on the nose. He didn't mind the odd accidental bash. He still trys to instigate now, 4 years later, but I'm not having it. He plays rugby so can get it out of his system there. So basically, in answer to your question, some kids just like that stuff 🤷🏻‍♂️.

I completely understand what you’re all saying and that was my initial reaction too. I was concerned I’m overreacting because I have a tendency to do so and I’m very protective over my kids. My son said it was forceful but I’m not sure it was, I think it was more of a little push. But I don’t think this matters anyway, as he pushed him whilst angry at me over a trivial argument? I just can’t believe this has happened after he’s been so great with them (I have a daughter too) for 4 years, nothing like this has ever happened before. Although he’s only recently moved in, we used to spend 4/5 nights a week together. He loves the kids and they love him. When I asked them how they felt about it last night and suggested the possibility of him moving out and they were in floods of tears saying they didn’t want him to go.
I don’t think he would intentionally hurt them, I’m pretty confident in that. However, it has definitely planted a seed of doubt about how he reacts when annoyed/how easily he gets annoyed.
He messaged my son’s dad and told him what happened, apologised etc. Dad obviously isn’t happy either which I completely understand. I wouldn’t be if it was the other way round!

I agree with this. Even before step parent was around my son loved to fight.. I laugh that he was born with his fists clenched and his arms up, as if he was ready to fight. So my partner gives in to him play fighting and my son absolutely loves it. But perhaps he is a bit too strong now, he’s tall for his age. My son is a big softy so there’s no malice in it at all, it’s just a fun game to him.

I'm a bit torn op, I don't think your son should be punching anyone really, even in play. You say the push wasn't hard enough to push him in to anything or to the ground so I can't see that it could have been very aggressive since it wouldn't take much to push a 6 year old over. Your partner has apologised and I would accept it on this occasion but put a stop to the play fighting.

My house

You going mad probably frightened your son more than your partner pushing him did. Now they are distraught at the thought of him leaving. Will your 6 year old blame himself if that happens?

I would end the relationship, I wouldn't be able to trust him around my child. He's only been there 6 weeks and this has happened already? More red flags than a communist parade.

Rugby club and boxing club 👌

Yes. I have actually been thinking about boxing.. although I don’t think I like the idea of him being punched. But maybe karate or something along those lines. I hadn’t thought play fighting was an issue tbh, as my son absolutely loves it. Now I can see that it probably needs to stop so that no one gets hurt.

I get it that a child's reaction to such news is of course important, and to be taken in to consideration. But that would be like asking them where there has been abuse, and them being upset for the person to go, or not seeing them, it doesn't mean just because kids get upset that it would be the deciding factor in the situation.

I get it that in the heat of the moment it's like someone getting in the way you would react, when we are angry there are some of us who I think would agree you could react badly. But I think it's having that control in the situation too.

Please don't involve the children in deciding whether this man should remain living with them. They are too young and should not be expected to take responsibility for decisions like this. They are saying what they think you want to hear.
You are the adult and it is your job to choose wisely.

You know what to do.

They're not allowed to spar with anyone until they are 11, until then it'll be fitness, punch bags, hitting the coaches gloves etc.

Rugby is tag rugby until they are 8 I think but they tend to do some wrestling type games as a warm-up and to get them used to body contact.

Both those sports are dirt cheap too. Boxing costs us £5 per 1hr session. Rugby is about £80 per year for 2 hrs training every Sunday morning. Our club even throws in the shirt for free and recycles boots down the age groups, so they cost £1 per pair. It's awesome

You don't see a grown man pushing a child in anger, outside of the context of a "play fight" as a huge deal???

He is an adult who can't control himself and keep certain actions to appropriate times and contexts.

A push in a fun, friendly playfight is completely different.

Wow.