Partner (step parent) push my 6 yo son

[Pinkie89]

Me and my partner were having a tiff over something trivial but I could see he was visibly annoyed. About a minute or 2 into the disagreement my 6 yo son hit him playfully but forcefully (they always play fight) and my partner (step parent) reacted and pushed him. It wasn’t a playful push, he was annoyed at me and this resulted in him pushing my son as a reaction to the punch. This took my son by surprise but I quickly reacted and went mad at my partner then took my son upto bed. My son was crying but I don’t know if that was because of my reaction or because he was genuinely upset. He said it was a forceful push, but it wasn’t strong enough to push him over/into something.

my partners initially response afterwards was “well he shouldn’t have hit me”. To me this is completely irrelevant. My son did it playfully, and he’s a child. My partner is an adult and should know that’s not ok. He has since been very apologetic and says he knows he shouldn’t have done it, it was a reaction to being punched and stopping it. We’ve been together 4 years but living together only 6 weeks. He’s otherwise been good with the kids and they’d be very sad to see him go.

I know this is absolutely not acceptable. It’s got me questioning everything. AIBU to think I need to end the relationship? I don’t trust my own judgement anymore, am I overreacting?

1. You are UNDER reacting. He should be gone already
2. Don't put this on your kids or tell them it's anything to do with the incident. It's too big a deal and they're not old enough to process it. So what if they think he's great the rest of the time? This is how little kids end up murdered by step dads, it starts somewhere.
3. Don't put cock before kids, honestly.

You were in the middle of a disagreement, during which your son decided to 'playfully' punch him?
So, a) your son was present during adults arguing and b) your son thinks it's okay to 'playfully' punch someone out of nowhere?

Not blaming your son at all; this is on the adults in his life.

No, your partner should not have pushed him. However, unsure how I's react if I was 'play-punched' when in the middle of a 'disagreement'.

The word push is to subjective it covers everything from guiding the child away from you to pushing so hard it takes them off there feet
I think it’s one of them you had to be there
rather than judge of a few lines of text that can fit any narrative

It reads to me like your partner lost his temper...I left my XH because of something exactly like this, not because he hit our child (which was bad enough) but in particular because he did it as an angry reaction to something completely innocent that the child did.

After that I just didn't trust him any more...I couldn't spend all our time together monitoring his mood to make sure he wasn't losing it with the DC.

Sadly I think you have the same choice to make. I haven't looked back by the way, life is a lot easier just me and the kids.

Boy punches adult > adult pushes boy away > nobody is hurt and boy learns valuable life lesson

I would much prefer that option to a wet conversation about using "kind hands"

He shouldn’t have pushed your son away from himself in anger, but you blowing up at him in front of your son likely scared your son a lot more.

Also…don’t mess with the kids emotions by asking them how they’d feel if he moved out. That is honestly so cruel. Either YOU decide you want him out or don’t. You cannot put that on your children and you cannot upset them about a situation which may not even occur if you decide not to kick him out. Honestly asking them how they’d feel if he moved out is so bizarre. You’re the adult. You decide what’s best.

Spot on. There are some apologists on this thread and it baffles me.__

I can see that I shouldn’t have said that. In the heat of the moment I wanted to understand how they were feeling. It all happened so quickly, I don’t know how much of a push there was as I didn’t feel it. I wanted to understand if it made them scared, without directly asking. If they were scared I wouldn’t have had any doubt, I’d have sent him on his way last night.

I was there and even I’m not sure, it happened so quickly. But he definitely didn’t fall to the floor/into anything.

Yeah he needs to go. Your kids won't be that bothered if he goes even of you think they will they will tell you what you want to hear.

6 weeks living together and he's pushing your son around when he gets mad when you have an argument.

He took his anger physically out on your son.

The two of you moved ahead in your relationship and it was a step too far.

Pick your kids. How could you ever trust him around your kids again?

Oh, this is NOT up to your young children to decide or get a vote on. This is for you, the adult, to deal with. Asking them was inappropriate of you.

Play fighting is a huge problem.

The message is so confusing...

• he's allowed to play fight
• he's allowed to hit an adult when he is annoyed because he is smaller
• adults can't shove when they are annoyed (so your son has a get out of jail free card)
• he is not allowed to hit or playfight another child? Unclear

Nobody likes being hit, playfully or not, when they are in a mood and 6 year olds especially do not have capacity to make judgements.

Your partner was in the wrong for shoving but OMG you cannot go floating adult ideas around with them about "maybe" getting rid of him. Seriously.

Finally, I won't tell you what to do but you should absolutely think about what could happen if your kids wind him up again, especially if you aren't there.

I also will say you need to teach your kid to stop hitting anyone. He may have play fought with your partner before but you can see that's got to stop. Did he hit your partner because you two were arguing?

If it’s like this after 6 weeks then it won’t work, he needs tomove out

up to you if you continue to see him

This would make me very uncomfortable and doubtful about the relationship, at best.

It isn’t even so much the force used as the motivation behind it. He has shown, very clearly, that your little boy will be punished for any difficulties that arise within the relationship.

I’m myself in a blended family, I couldn’t accept a man like this being around my child nor would I expect a man to accept me around their child/ren if I behaved in the same vein.

The boy is 6 and was in a high tension environment where his mum and a man that isn't his father, who has only lived with them for just over a month were fighting.

Grown man doesn't use his words and say "that isn't appropriate, please don't do that".

I don't understand your thinking and find it quite disturbing actually.

THIS.

I’d kick him out.

How dare he pushes your 6yr old!!?

No one does that, REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE CHILD DOES.

Decent people don’t hurt children, they don’t act out of impulse with children.

When play fighting or rough housing with small kids you let them win.

He's been in your (YOUR) home six weeks - and already he's literally pushing people around.

See this as a forecast, a small trailer for what's to come - if you let him stay.

He's panicking, minimising, apologising to placate you after this first show of chest-beating. This time.

He's the adult. He's not your child's father; does he have children himself? He needs to learn how to regulate his own emotions and parent properly if you are going to do what I'm afraid you're going to do ... which is to let it go and let him stay.

If you do, we look forward to hearing from you again, with his next piece of nasty behaviour.

And as a side note - start teaching your child not to hit, and to understand that people who hit may get unexpectedly hit back, which will be useful for him to understand at school etc.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy

You don't see a grown man pushing a child in anger, outside of the context of a "play fight" as a huge deal???
It's hard to know the reality of the action. The kid is 6 so even a small unexpected shove would typically knock them down. Yet the little boy neither fell down or tripped over due to the action. So it may have been more of a brush off that a shove. Hue would a shove nit upend a 6 year old?

An adult should be able to regulate well enough to keep their hands off of a child and not push away in anger. What if your ds had fallen hard and been injured? Next time that might happen. Next time it might be you as well.
I understand your reaction but that is something that a child should not witness.
I don’t this relationship should continue. Both of you have modelled poor behaviour albeit you wanted to advocate for you ds.

He can move right back out, have a relationship without living together, or wait until your youngest is 18.

If someone came up and punched me while I was in the middle of a disagreement with another adult, I'd push them away too. I am vehemently angry about violent men, but in this instance, I think it was a reaction to being punched unprovoked, and in surprise, he pushed him.

I'd be more inclined to teach my child not to punch people, than be angry at the person who was punched and reacted. It couldn't have been that forceful seeing as he didn't lose his balance.

EXACTLY!!