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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be taken aback by SIL's reaction

71 replies

SILdrama2025 · 27/02/2025 00:11

Changed username for this. It's going to be a long one but I think the backstory is important.

DH has 1 DS. We all live in the UK, but they are from one European country and I'm from another. DSIL came to the UK some years after DH. As he had done previously, he introduced her to all his friends and helped her settle in. I moved here a year after and we all enjoyed a very good relationship. The 2 of them are very different but we enjoyed socialising together, but DH has always been aware that she complains about his ways with common friends and (intentionally or not) creates distance between him and his friends.

A few years ago, I fell pregnant. 6 months later, SIL found out she was pregant too and, although it was unplanned, she sad she was very happy to go ahead as a single parent. When DC1 was born we moved to a larger house and when DN was born SIL moved round the corner from us. Because we live so close, we ended up spending lots of time together and it seems like she expects us to invite her along with us anywhere we go, but never invites us when she meets her own friends, and often meets our common friends without asking us to join, even when we introduced her to them ourselves.

The first Christmas after our kids were born, she decided to join us in my home country, even though we hadn't really asked her to. She said my family had previously told her she was welcome any time, and she didn't really have anywhere else to go (their parents both passed away). She had just lost her job so we paid for her flights and sorted out accommodation for her, and she tagged along everywhere we went. It was fine but obviously changed the dynamics. She then started messaging family members of mine directly, to the point that she invited my cousin over when she was visiting the UK and we were away, and I only found out from my cousin even though I see DSIL several times a week.

DSIL is always complaining about how hard things are for her and never really bothers to ask how we're doing - she often says we have life easy as there's 2 of us, with 2 stable jobs, my family for support, etc. We can't talk about our DC without her comparing with hers. After months of my DH getting resentful about (what he sees as) the one-sidedness of the relationship, he spoke to her about all of this and asked her to keep some distance from family and friends in my home country, and not assume that she can join us there, because it's the only aspect of our life where we have our own space. She took that really badly and the relationship hasn't been the same since.

Last year, I fell pregnant, the due date was Xmas Eve and we came to my home country to give birth and spend a few months. DSIL mentioned that she'd like to come spend Xmas with us but we said that wouldn't work because we wouldn't be able to 'host' her right when we'd be giving birth and trying to settle in with our toddler, and suggested she visit for a weekend in Jan if she didn't have leave from her new job. She said that wouldn't work for her as she had other travel plans and that her Xmas was ruined as she'd be alone. We've been in touch via videocalls regularly and now DH messaged our date of our return and asked if she'd be free to meet as soon as we get back as we'd like to introduce her to DC2. She replied that she can't wait to meet DC2 and see all of us again but will let us know when she's free closer to the date. And that she wants to reiterate that this doesn't change the fact that she's going to be 'the last' to meet her DN after all the 'outsiders' have been introduced over these months and she can't believe we did that to her, telling her that we didn't want her in my home country and didn't let her choose her own travel dates or consider the fact that it's hard for her to travel for just a weekend alone with a toddler. As a side note, a common friend just told me that she's going away for a weekend, somewhere else, a month before we return to the UK.

I'm quite upset that she's made it all about her. We used to be very close and I'm pretty offended myself that she didn't come visit at all in the 3 months we'd have been here.

So, if you got this far:
YABU: cut the woman some slack, she's got a lot going on, she has a right to do and say what she likes with people she knows, and your DH was insensitive trying to cut her out and tell her she's not welcome
YANBU: DSIL should realise it's not all about her, especially when you were having a baby, and that she can't only take from this relationship

OP posts:

Redspottyfrog · 27/02/2025 00:16

Tell her 4 words “back the fuck off”
you have to set boundaries or she is never going to change. My sil expects the world to revolve around her but DH and I stopped playing the game a long time ago. Yes she spat her dummy but at the end of the day she needs us more then we need her so she nows knows what we will tolerate and what we won’t.

as for SIL coming away with is us- the thought sends a shiver down my spine

Wordau · 27/02/2025 00:20

I'd cut her some slack. She has no partner, no other family it seems, and she's looking at her brother and he's got you, and all your family. She's probably lonely and jealous.

Yes that's annoying and she sounds intense and draining but I don't think you can be angry she's not visited in the circumstances. You're finally getting the space from her you asked for and craved. You can't tell her not to get involved with your family then expect her to come when you demand. You're trying to have your cake and eat it.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 27/02/2025 00:21

Probably a bit of both. She can talk to whoever she wants and go wherever she likes, but you are not unreasonable to not want to host immediately after giving birth.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 27/02/2025 00:31

50/50 for me, although I've gone with cut her some slack.

I agree that the one-sideness of your relationship with her is unfair and its right for your husband to call her out on it.

I also think she's very lonely and insecure. Even if for logistical reasons, I'd be very hurt if I was the last to meet my new nibling and I can understand her being hurt at not having family to spend Christmas with, that must be very painful. I wonder if the reason she won't bring you into her life in equal measure is because she wants something of her own that is not shared out of pity or obligation, it sounds like she's searching for happiness.

I can also understand her being away & travelling as a way to escape and put some distance between her & the painful feelings.

Her guilt tripping you is not fair, however.

SALaw · 27/02/2025 00:37

The stuff you've listed would be mildly irritating to me at worst. I'd just occasionally roll my eyes about her but otherwise rub along.

Bigcat25 · 27/02/2025 00:44

I don't think your unreasonable at all except the part where you said you were hurt when she didn't visit you in her home country, when you already asked her not to come. I wouldn't spend money on two flights to see someone who'd be home soon.

Bigcat25 · 27/02/2025 02:01

Argh, excuse Grammer.

Thunderpants88 · 27/02/2025 02:08

You told her she couldn’t some to your home country. Now you’re annoyed she isn’t coming?

Am I missing something glaringly obvious? You have sent very mixed messages

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 27/02/2025 03:12

The woman is unhinged and far too involved in your family life. Her and your dh are enmeshed and because of the different countries dimension of all this palava you are forgiving far too much and not putting in place any (healthy!) boundaries. You and dh need to get on the same page about very strict boundaries with her and assert these. She needs to stop whinging and create a life for herself rather than being so needy and dependent on you as you'll resent all the time she is currently taking from you.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 03:15

Wordau · 27/02/2025 00:20

I'd cut her some slack. She has no partner, no other family it seems, and she's looking at her brother and he's got you, and all your family. She's probably lonely and jealous.

She is a single parent by choice and that doesn't give her a pass for behaving like a selfish arsehole.

whynot2025 · 27/02/2025 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/02/2025 03:36

The running you down to your friends would be enough for me...

And all the tantrums about you needing to host her the Christmas you're giving birth?! Ha ha... She's joking right?? She's doesn't seem to be even volunteering to help 😱

She is obviously one of those people who is just a drain on those around her... She expects everything to bow down to her wishes /dates/vascillatioons....

Would drive me batty...

Good luck!

Getupandgogo · 27/02/2025 03:48

@whynot2025

Why is with reposting the original opening post? We know you're replying to it.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 27/02/2025 03:49

It's DH's sister, just let him deal with her. I couldn't be arsed with her nonsense.

Getupandgogo · 27/02/2025 03:50

Ugh. I mean 'what' obviously.

Sooner we have an edit function and ban people from reposting very long opening posts the better!

TerrorAustralis · 27/02/2025 04:14

SIL has main character syndrome. She’s not going to change, so you and your DH need to set boundaries and keep them. Stop being surprised when she acts like this, it’s a clear pattern of behaviour.

Safxxx · 27/02/2025 04:19

You should be happy she's got other plans and is not in your space. Don't go chasing her to visit....let her find her own freedom and chase it, hopefully she will back away slowly and you don't have to entertain her like you used to

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/02/2025 04:31

I understand your frustration because I had a friend (ex-colleague) who had a similar behaviours. It was very much a better of personality I think, and maybe some insecurities, but ultimately she created situations that were hurtful or inconvenient to me and knew about it, yet didn't stop (a bit of a Mean Girls vibe).
Ultimately I distanced myself from her quite a lot, and things got better after a few months (we still worked together for years afterwards, but didn't interact much beyond a quick hello at he coffee machine).

I would say it's split responsibility. You benefited from the somewhat intense relationship too and I think that's why you haven't put boundaries in place before. Technically she hasn't done anything wrong, she can speak to whoever she wants. Stop reacting to it for your own sake, and put some distance between you. She will turn to other relationships.
As others have said, avoid mixed messages or reacting too strongly about what she says or does. Accept that it will be a bit awkward for a while and will settle to a new normal down the line.

Fraaances · 27/02/2025 04:54

I think she needs to be told again that she overestimates her place in your life and is being intrusive and manipulative by inviting herself whether it suit you or not as well as by inserting herself into your friends and family’s lives also. She needs to be told that she has chosen to move to the area and bring her child up in the way that she wanted and she needs to understand that you don’t owe her anything. (Especially not holidays.). What a piece of work! I also suspect that she is being divisive by trying to take over your family. (Wendying I believe is the term sometimes used here. Usually refers to someone inserting themself into another’s social life with the intention of ousting the original person.)

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 27/02/2025 05:13

Getupandgogo · 27/02/2025 03:50

Ugh. I mean 'what' obviously.

Sooner we have an edit function and ban people from reposting very long opening posts the better!

There is an edit function available for for a few minutes after posting. Click on the three dots top right of your post.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 27/02/2025 05:34

Your DH did the right thing is talking to her about overstepping. I wouldn’t then be offended about her reaction, she has to work that through herself and I imagine in time she and you will find a better equilibrium.

GetMyAgentOnThePhone · 27/02/2025 05:50

Getupandgogo · 27/02/2025 03:50

Ugh. I mean 'what' obviously.

Sooner we have an edit function and ban people from reposting very long opening posts the better!

There is an edit function. Been available for at least 6 months. Tap the three dots above your message.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2025 05:57

That would drive me insane. I also have doormat tendencies. You need strong boundaries with her now. It doesn’t matter if things aren’t the same between you if the desired outcome is being achieved. What you’ve posted about her imo is your guilt talking. Sit with the guilt. It will pass. She is so self absorbed and not going to see things from your pov. And by not visiting, she is giving you the space you're craving.

Itsseweasy · 27/02/2025 06:07

You’ve been way more patient than I’d have been. But then I’ve learned (the hard way) not to bother with patience for those with the perpetual self-pitying victim mentality.
You need firm boundaries and she needs to put some effort into making her own life instead of trying to insert herself in yours!

TheaBrandt1 · 27/02/2025 06:10

How does she justify her “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” stance?!

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