To be taken aback by SIL's reaction

[SILdrama2025]

Changed username for this. It's going to be a long one but I think the backstory is important.

DH has 1 DS. We all live in the UK, but they are from one European country and I'm from another. DSIL came to the UK some years after DH. As he had done previously, he introduced her to all his friends and helped her settle in. I moved here a year after and we all enjoyed a very good relationship. The 2 of them are very different but we enjoyed socialising together, but DH has always been aware that she complains about his ways with common friends and (intentionally or not) creates distance between him and his friends.

A few years ago, I fell pregnant. 6 months later, SIL found out she was pregant too and, although it was unplanned, she sad she was very happy to go ahead as a single parent. When DC1 was born we moved to a larger house and when DN was born SIL moved round the corner from us. Because we live so close, we ended up spending lots of time together and it seems like she expects us to invite her along with us anywhere we go, but never invites us when she meets her own friends, and often meets our common friends without asking us to join, even when we introduced her to them ourselves.

The first Christmas after our kids were born, she decided to join us in my home country, even though we hadn't really asked her to. She said my family had previously told her she was welcome any time, and she didn't really have anywhere else to go (their parents both passed away). She had just lost her job so we paid for her flights and sorted out accommodation for her, and she tagged along everywhere we went. It was fine but obviously changed the dynamics. She then started messaging family members of mine directly, to the point that she invited my cousin over when she was visiting the UK and we were away, and I only found out from my cousin even though I see DSIL several times a week.

DSIL is always complaining about how hard things are for her and never really bothers to ask how we're doing - she often says we have life easy as there's 2 of us, with 2 stable jobs, my family for support, etc. We can't talk about our DC without her comparing with hers. After months of my DH getting resentful about (what he sees as) the one-sidedness of the relationship, he spoke to her about all of this and asked her to keep some distance from family and friends in my home country, and not assume that she can join us there, because it's the only aspect of our life where we have our own space. She took that really badly and the relationship hasn't been the same since.

Last year, I fell pregnant, the due date was Xmas Eve and we came to my home country to give birth and spend a few months. DSIL mentioned that she'd like to come spend Xmas with us but we said that wouldn't work because we wouldn't be able to 'host' her right when we'd be giving birth and trying to settle in with our toddler, and suggested she visit for a weekend in Jan if she didn't have leave from her new job. She said that wouldn't work for her as she had other travel plans and that her Xmas was ruined as she'd be alone. We've been in touch via videocalls regularly and now DH messaged our date of our return and asked if she'd be free to meet as soon as we get back as we'd like to introduce her to DC2. She replied that she can't wait to meet DC2 and see all of us again but will let us know when she's free closer to the date. And that she wants to reiterate that this doesn't change the fact that she's going to be 'the last' to meet her DN after all the 'outsiders' have been introduced over these months and she can't believe we did that to her, telling her that we didn't want her in my home country and didn't let her choose her own travel dates or consider the fact that it's hard for her to travel for just a weekend alone with a toddler. As a side note, a common friend just told me that she's going away for a weekend, somewhere else, a month before we return to the UK.

I'm quite upset that she's made it all about her. We used to be very close and I'm pretty offended myself that she didn't come visit at all in the 3 months we'd have been here.

So, if you got this far:
YABU: cut the woman some slack, she's got a lot going on, she has a right to do and say what she likes with people she knows, and your DH was insensitive trying to cut her out and tell her she's not welcome
YANBU: DSIL should realise it's not all about her, especially when you were having a baby, and that she can't only take from this relationship

We did actually tell her not to come at Xmas because last time, if we hadn't sorted out accommodation, she expected to stay with my 80+ yo relative, with her 1yo. She also went to every friend/family event with us (my family and friends included her and DN in meals, gift exchanges etc) and I think she would expect to do the same, whether or not we were around or in hospital giving birth. If she were more autonomous (and badmouthed my DH less when he's not around) then obviously things would have been different.

🤣

Virtually EVERYONE hates it when someone quotes the opening post! And when it's really long and you have to scroll like mad to find that the quoter has only responded with two lines, it's maddening!

Can you imagine trying to read this thread if every poster quoted that near novel of an OP?

We know what you're replying to. Just don't do it!

Sorry but the combination could make it quite outing with all this other info here

Yanbu. interesting you 'ruined her Christmas' by not sorting it all out for her. She seems to be really infantalising herself. If you don't nip it in the bud now and somehow get her to stand on her own two feet she will rely on you for everything for ever

To be fair to her, I should also add that it wasn't always this way. Before moving to the UK, we lived in the same country and she shared her friends in the same way we did ours. She sometimes complained about my DH to his friends when he wasn't around, but I'd say it was more joking/her venting at the time rather than wendying (new word for me!). We used to get on really well and there definitely wasn't any of this dependency or resentment, and there was healthy space with my family members who she met when they came to visit. Things changed in the UK and especially when our kids were born and I think that's partly why it's hard to find the right boundaries now.

I feel a bit sorry for her. Even accounting for her being intense, she's on her own and her brother is the only family she has left. Yet not only has he told her she had to stop trying to get on with his wife's relatives who have previously been welcoming to her, but he's also banned her from visiting at Christmas. You could've just been firm and said she had to stay in a hotel or AirBNB rather than any of you hosting her. Now you're upset she hasn't visited at all! You can't have it all ways.

For Christmas when she was due a baby, they are still there now and for another month, so SIL can't really complain she hasn't been welcome when she has been welcome for months. That's the bit I'd say was glaringly obvious 😬.

Cut her some slack - but work out your boundaries and stick to them.

Some of her behaviour, such as inviting herself to your own family for Christmas, is definitely unreasonable.

This 1oo%
I mean she is suffocating but what a cheek to tell her no then be upset she didn’t travel when you tell/want her too .
She has decide to make her own plans isn’t that what you wanted @SILdrama2025 ?

A good old Scottish expression comes to mind - ‘Get tae fuck!’

I would not come to visit after being told not to

her getting involved with your family weird but I’d put it down to loneliness

refering to your family as “outsiders” was rude and weird especially as she’s ingratiating herself into these “outsiders”

be nice and positive but don’t allow to to crash events youd rather she didn’t

I totally get your point but maybe I should rephrase: I'm upset that she said she wanted to visit and meet the baby and is now making a big deal about us keeping her from them, when she only wanted to come for Xmas and was not willing to consider any other time when we said the exact week I'm due didn't work for us.

Yanbu, take a deep breath. Tell yourself this space is good. Say ok let us know, and clear your mind of this. I mean, she’s been an absolute bitch to both of you for years. There’s no other word for sneaking in trying to elbow you out from your friends by excluding you and badmouthing you. Promise yourself that you don’t introduce her to friends anymore. Get comfortable with honesty. You: ‘I’m out tonight’ her: oooh where are you going - I’ll come! You: no,you won’t. I’m totally done with you badmouthing us to our friends, people who behave like that are obviously not invited.

The first Christmas after our kids were born, she decided to join us in my home country, even though we hadn't really asked her to. She said my family had previously told her she was welcome any time, and she didn't really have anywhere else to go (their parents both passed away). She had just lost her job so we paid for her flights and sorted out accommodation for her, and she tagged along everywhere we went.

You are enabling her behaviour. Whether or not her behaviour is wrong YOU are facilitating it. Look at yourselves first. Most people wouldn't have paid, most people wouldn't have organised it. So why didn't you say no?

I don’t think you are unreasonable but I feel sorry for sil. They only have eachother and are in a different country. Well she only has him. He is her only family.
You have 2 children now, how would you feel if they lost both of you? Would you want them to look out for eachother? If one had a family and the other didn’t, would you want them to include their sibling in that family? Would you want them to be alone at Christmas?

How do you both work for a UK company if you are in another country for months? Just curious?

Regarding SIL it’s all too much and you need to keep your clear boundaries intact while still maintaining a family support for SIL.

You've set your boundaries and she is pushing back. I would carry on in the same way. Let your SIL get used to not being able to dictate everything.

She's treating you and your DH like the parents she doesn't have.

100% this. Stop dancing to her tune, she does think it's all about her and probably won't change.

I totally agree, and this is also why we included her and supported her as much as we did in the past. They have close extended family back home but she prefers not to spend Xmas there. She did spend that week with common friends we knew would be around, and her DC's Dad, who she's on good terms with although he's not always in the country.

Apart from that we would like to go back to having a good relationship with her, and have our DC enjoy their only cousins, which is why this is weighing on me and I posted to see if people thinking were being unfair.

We're on parental leave and very grateful for it.