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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Mother's Day?

55 replies

leelou11 · 26/02/2025 20:43

Hi! Quick post, nothing has been said but wanting to sound out others views on the matter.

Had child, 5 months old. First Mother's Day together as a family and I've suggested that we go to the zoo/aquarium for the day. DH is happy with this.

MIL has suggested going to hers for a roast as a family (with her 3 other sons). The weekend prior we are already going out together for a roast. I don't have the best relationship with his mum as she's very overbearing, but I keep my opinions to myself for family's sake.

DH suggested seeing his mother the day before or day after (I am seeing my mother the day after) but MIL suggested that she wouldn't be happy with this and wants to see them all together. She said she's invited me so doesn't see why we can't all go.

AIBU to want to spend my first Mother's Day together as a family, not to include M/BIL? What do others do for Mother's Day?

TIA

OP posts:
festivemouse · 26/02/2025 20:47

I think this is just one of those things - I'm sure it's lovely for MIL to get all her children together again, especially on Mother's Day. However that torch has now passed to you as the new mother and especially for your first Mother's Day it would be lovely to do something as your own family unit.

You're seeing your mum the day after, so it's totally reasonable to see your MIL the day before. If this is your first Mother's Day it's probably the first time she's needed to consider sharing the day! Just reiterate you're excited to see her the day before and I'm sure she'll come round 😊

outerspacepotato · 26/02/2025 20:48

Tough for MIL. I would make my own plans with my family.

Especially when you were just there the week before eating the same thing and she's overbearing (and trying to take over Mother's Day). Her sons are grown and she can't expect to be the central focus now. The aquarium sounds like fun.

SleepToad · 26/02/2025 20:50

Ok 5 months in. Time to set boundaries. Explain nicely that you are now a mother too. It's your day too and you as a family have your own plans.

Make sure your dh is on board. Just keep saying no, we have plans for mothers day now I am a mother.

potoftea · 26/02/2025 20:50

It's your first one, so it's time to put your own family first.
Mothers must realise that they take a step down the pecking order firstly when their children marry, and secondly when they become parents.

It's the proper order of life and if MIL doesn't understand that, it's tough on her but not your issue.
And I'm saying this as a grandmother. My DIL will be my son's priority on the day as his children are too young, and my daughter will be relaxing with her family treating her.
I'd be very upset if I don't get a message or card, but I totally understand I'm now in second place.

NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel · 26/02/2025 20:51

You're a new mum and it's your first Mothers day, of course it should be about you.

She can get everyone together for her birthday, she's had decades of being centre of attention on mothers day.

I fully expect, when my kids start their own families, that they will be doting on the woman who has the day to day grunt work of being a mum to a little kid, I would be annoyed if that wasn't the case actually.

toomuchfaff · 26/02/2025 20:52

MIL suggested that she wouldn't be happy with this and wants to see them all together.

Ah well, she's not the mother in your family anymore, she doesn't come first. Good on your DH.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/02/2025 20:54

My son in law pops in to see his mum in the morning, takes a gift then goes home and cooks Sunday lunch with his family.

CurbsideProphet · 26/02/2025 20:55

My DH will see his mum on the Saturday. I'll see my mum on one of my day's off in the week. Mother's Day is my day with my toddler and DH🙂

TheScenicWay · 26/02/2025 20:56

Do it how you want.
I go to see my mum on mothers day and dh goes to see his.

NoSoupForU · 26/02/2025 20:56

I think surely if you're a mother with grown up children who then have their own children you have to have some understanding of your child having to juggle priorities.

You don't have to see your MIL at all around mothers day. She isn't your mother. I see my own mum and my husband sees his mum. We don't have children, but if we did then our children would take priority over our parents.

Glitchymn1 · 26/02/2025 20:57

I ended up hosting DM and MIL, both have lifts back and forth, cards, presents, flowers, the wine flows- I cook a roast….. it’s now expected every year.

Don’t start anything you don’t mean to keep up, call over in the morning and give card/flowers! and enjoy the rest of your day! or you could be stuck doing the same thing every year.

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 20:58

I don't get the big deal about it at all. It's not an all day celebration. It's a card, usually made at school and a little bunch of daffodils they give out at church.

Never understood the angst that's here every year about whether to spend it with one or both grandmothers or neither or whatever.

Nomnomnew · 26/02/2025 21:03

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all to want to spend your first Mother’s Day with your child and husband. You only get one first Mother’s Day. Going the day before to hers sounds totally reasonable. I hope your DH sticks up for you on that!

GSmith86 · 26/02/2025 21:04

Going against the grain here but I actually think you might be being a bit precious in your overall perspective.

It's a day to celebrate all mothers, a club you have now joined but don't own. It's just as much about your husband's relationship with his mum and your relationship with yours.

I do think you should do something to celebrate with your DH and kids if you like, but could you not split the day. Go out for a special brunch and then go to the lunch or a drink after lunch or go to see her and your mum in the morning to drop flowers in.

I am a mum but get just as much enjoyment from that day from celebrating others too.

Motheranddaughter · 26/02/2025 21:06

Do what you want
I have continued to take my mum out for lunch on Mother’s Day and my DC are in their early 20s
I leave my MIL to my DH

GSmith86 · 26/02/2025 21:07

To add I think it's ok to go the day before or after I'm just trying to point out that it is other people's day too and it can be fun to do a bit for everyone. If you don't want to split the celebration have you thought about suggesting your mil moves the whole lunch to the day before so you can all be together and make a proper fuss?

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:08

It doesn't matter if she isn't happy with it. You are going to the zoo or aquarium with your baby and your husband, it doesn't matter if she's happy about it or not.

Bigwitsits · 26/02/2025 21:09

I would do what you wanted to with dh and your baby. MIL is not on her own. It’s selfish of her.

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:10

It's a day to celebrate all mothers, a club you have now joined but don't own.

The op just wants to go to the zoo. She doesn't want a parade or a Trump Gaza golden statue of herself.

2025willbemytime · 26/02/2025 21:12

I think this is an important time to mark a line in the sand and for your dh to show you he has your back and respects you as the mother of his baby. It doesn't mean you'll never spend the day with her, you just want the first one alone and That Is Fine.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 26/02/2025 21:12

YANBU at all

Goofy03 · 26/02/2025 21:12

Get DH to take the baby over in the morning so you have a break.
Wouldn’t bother with aquarium for a baby though - save it for when you have to do kid stuff! Go for lunch or have DH cook for you!

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:13

I think it's a bit odd celebrating it before your DC can join in anyway. At 5 months your baby can't make you a card, doesn't have any concept of mother's day, can't say it. I don't get the whole fathers buying cards on behalf of pre-verbal children and pretending they are from them business.

Save it for a couple of years when they can actually understand it themselves.

2025willbemytime · 26/02/2025 21:15

Glitchymn1 · 26/02/2025 20:57

I ended up hosting DM and MIL, both have lifts back and forth, cards, presents, flowers, the wine flows- I cook a roast….. it’s now expected every year.

Don’t start anything you don’t mean to keep up, call over in the morning and give card/flowers! and enjoy the rest of your day! or you could be stuck doing the same thing every year.

It can be expected all they like. Make this the year you do what YOU want. It's time for them to understand Taking It In Turns.

2025willbemytime · 26/02/2025 21:17

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:13

I think it's a bit odd celebrating it before your DC can join in anyway. At 5 months your baby can't make you a card, doesn't have any concept of mother's day, can't say it. I don't get the whole fathers buying cards on behalf of pre-verbal children and pretending they are from them business.

Save it for a couple of years when they can actually understand it themselves.

Nah. It's a chance for the dad to show his wife how much he values her for literally growing his child.