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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Mother's Day?

55 replies

leelou11 · 26/02/2025 20:43

Hi! Quick post, nothing has been said but wanting to sound out others views on the matter.

Had child, 5 months old. First Mother's Day together as a family and I've suggested that we go to the zoo/aquarium for the day. DH is happy with this.

MIL has suggested going to hers for a roast as a family (with her 3 other sons). The weekend prior we are already going out together for a roast. I don't have the best relationship with his mum as she's very overbearing, but I keep my opinions to myself for family's sake.

DH suggested seeing his mother the day before or day after (I am seeing my mother the day after) but MIL suggested that she wouldn't be happy with this and wants to see them all together. She said she's invited me so doesn't see why we can't all go.

AIBU to want to spend my first Mother's Day together as a family, not to include M/BIL? What do others do for Mother's Day?

TIA

OP posts:
CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:18

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:13

I think it's a bit odd celebrating it before your DC can join in anyway. At 5 months your baby can't make you a card, doesn't have any concept of mother's day, can't say it. I don't get the whole fathers buying cards on behalf of pre-verbal children and pretending they are from them business.

Save it for a couple of years when they can actually understand it themselves.

But there's no suggestion that the OP is going to have any of that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/02/2025 21:21

I'd make a stand now because if you don't she'll expect it every year. When you're children are adults it's ridiculous to expect them all home for any occasion, especially when they have partners and children.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/02/2025 21:21

Nope! You are a new mum in the trenches. You get to spend mothers day how you please for quite a few years now.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/02/2025 21:22

Also aquariums are great for babies. Ignore the moody posters and enjoy your day! Xx

Screamingabdabz · 26/02/2025 21:23

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:13

I think it's a bit odd celebrating it before your DC can join in anyway. At 5 months your baby can't make you a card, doesn't have any concept of mother's day, can't say it. I don't get the whole fathers buying cards on behalf of pre-verbal children and pretending they are from them business.

Save it for a couple of years when they can actually understand it themselves.

I agree. Go and enjoy a nice roast dinner and get a bit of time off. Who wants to go trudging round a zoo in March with a baby who won’t remember or appreciate it? Seems bonkers to me.

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:23

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:18

But there's no suggestion that the OP is going to have any of that.

Show quote history

If she's suggesting a day out I'd imagine it's quite likely she's also expecting a card. I may be wrong of course.

Regardless I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me.

I appreciate I am an outlier on this.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 26/02/2025 21:26

YANBU
Once you have young children you are the priority on Mothers day; just as she was when you DH was a child.

Mothers day is for children (ie school age off-spring) to pause & appreciate their Mum.
(& father's day is the same for dads)

Once your adult children have children then the (grand)parents have to accept that their childs new nuclear family has priority.

Pickled21 · 26/02/2025 21:37

For my first two I had afternoon tea with dh, dd and then ds too and had an evening meal with mil. Since then we have sometimes seen her in the day for lunch and then we've gone out to dinner ourselves. Last year we saw her the day before. This year we don't know whether it will be Eid on Mother's day or the day after and so we will see her the weekend before. it's also the first time in 10 years I will be seeing my own mum on the day. As much as I love her I have no plans to spend the whole day with her as want to do something fun with the kids and mum won't necessarily be up for that.

I have no issues with spending part of the day with my mil but I like to do stuff with my own kids on the day and for me that takes priority. We do invite her for a meal out but then sil and bil tag along and before you know it the itinerary changes and I'm going along with a day that I didn't want. I'm pretty selfless a lot of the time but it's actually one of the few rare days that I don't want to compromise.

I'd go to the aquarium. Little one won't remember but you will. I'd stand your ground on this one. You've shared your plans.

marmiteandcheeseoncrumpetspls · 26/02/2025 21:40

SleepToad · 26/02/2025 20:50

Ok 5 months in. Time to set boundaries. Explain nicely that you are now a mother too. It's your day too and you as a family have your own plans.

Make sure your dh is on board. Just keep saying no, we have plans for mothers day now I am a mother.

This.
You need to set boundaries from this year, otherwise you will - in her eyes - have set a precedent and it will always be expected.

Ask her why she thinks it's ok for your Mum not to see you on 'The Day' but that she can't possibly not see her DS.

DorothyStorm · 26/02/2025 21:41

marmiteandcheeseoncrumpetspls · 26/02/2025 21:40

This.
You need to set boundaries from this year, otherwise you will - in her eyes - have set a precedent and it will always be expected.

Ask her why she thinks it's ok for your Mum not to see you on 'The Day' but that she can't possibly not see her DS.

Show quote history

This! No. Absolutely not.

Bestfootforward11 · 26/02/2025 21:41

Completely reasonable for you to want to spend your first Mother’s Day with your husband and child. She is unreasonable to be demanding otherwise. We all feel differently about these kind of celebratory dates and you are entitled to feel how you feel.

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:53

*If she's suggesting a day out I'd imagine it's quite likely she's also expecting a card. I may be wrong of course.

Regardless I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me.

I appreciate I am an outlier on this*

I don't think you are an outlier.

I agree that it's weird when people get their husbands to send cards and buy presents. I've never done it and I don't know anyone at all who has ever done it.

But this isn't at all what the OP has said she wants. She wants to go to the aquarium with her family.

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:58

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 21:53

*If she's suggesting a day out I'd imagine it's quite likely she's also expecting a card. I may be wrong of course.

Regardless I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me.

I appreciate I am an outlier on this*

I don't think you are an outlier.

I agree that it's weird when people get their husbands to send cards and buy presents. I've never done it and I don't know anyone at all who has ever done it.

But this isn't at all what the OP has said she wants. She wants to go to the aquarium with her family.

No, she hasn't said she wants a fake card. But the whole day out at the aquarium still, to me, comes under the heading of what I said before - I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me

Having a day out to go "yay I'm a mum" with a child who can't comprehend it rather than a nice lunch with one of the other mothers in the family whose child is old enough to celebrate it is a pretty random line in the sand to draw.

2catsandhappy · 26/02/2025 22:00

Stick to your guns @leelou11
The torch has passed.
I hope you have a lovely day.

GSmith86 · 26/02/2025 22:00

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:58

No, she hasn't said she wants a fake card. But the whole day out at the aquarium still, to me, comes under the heading of what I said before - I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me

Having a day out to go "yay I'm a mum" with a child who can't comprehend it rather than a nice lunch with one of the other mothers in the family whose child is old enough to celebrate it is a pretty random line in the sand to draw.

Show quote history

Agree

GSmith86 · 26/02/2025 22:03

This torch has passed business. When your mums have gone you think you won't be thinking of them primarily on mother's day? Celebrate as a family while you can. You can definitely do a long mother's day weekend and do something for everyone but I don't think it stops being about your mums too just because you now have your own child.

HiCandles · 26/02/2025 22:03

Absolutely stand firm OP. Now is the time to set the standard of you being able to choose what you do. If you bend to MIL's will, every year it will be harder and harder. This year you have the brilliant ability to say very honestly 'obviously as I'm now a mother myself, I'd like to choose how I spend the day and that's with my own child and husband'.
My own mum and MIL expected us to do own things once children arrived. We see them the weekend after or before, or the Saturday. I've found the key is to make plans early so the mums feel you haven't forgotten them. I know my mum would love it if we could see her on the day and we sometimes do, but not as the annual expectation.

SkylarkKitten · 26/02/2025 22:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's your first Mother's Day - congratulations by the way! - and I think it's perfectly reasonable that you spend the day with your family unit being spoilt and appreciated.

Going to your MIL on the day would make it about her. She has her other sons with her, and your DH is seeing her the day after.

She needs to realise that she isn't the centre of her sons universe anymore. You and your child are. It's tough being a Mum and letting go is hard, but essential to have a happy relationship in the future

CuthbertDribble · 26/02/2025 22:06

I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me

Ok. That's not how I see it at all. I see it as she wants to go out with her family on her first Mother's Day. Not make her husband 'celebrate you as a mother'.

She's already having a lunch with her MIL, who she doesn't get on with, the week before Mother's Day.

You could equally say that the OP is an adult who is being asked to celebrate someone as a mother who is their mother at this nice lunch.

whycantibeselfishforonce · 26/02/2025 22:06

Your DH is right! MIL might not like it but she needs to get a grip on the reality that her son's most important woman in his life is not her anymore - it is you. And I say this as a MIL myself.
You have arrangements to see MIL which is absolutely fine I think.

Have a lovely day at the zoo with your little family OP.

TubTubTub · 26/02/2025 22:16

I wouldn’t mind celebrating the day with family because I would assume all mums in the family on that day would be acknowledged during the get together. I feel it would be nice to celebrate together.

My bias is I have both a mum and MIL who I have given loads of support to during hard times and always acknowledged significant events and random other days with fuss (a present in the post or paying for coffee for example). With any day including Mother’s Day, I don’t get acknowledgment about it from them. DH makes a fuss on behalf of DC who is too small still to know what’s going on.

I think it’s good to do what makes you happy to celebrate and with kindness decline any invites if going the aquarium is what you would love to do.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/02/2025 06:56

Screamingabdabz · 26/02/2025 21:23

I agree. Go and enjoy a nice roast dinner and get a bit of time off. Who wants to go trudging round a zoo in March with a baby who won’t remember or appreciate it? Seems bonkers to me.

Show quote history

But OP will appreciate doing something that she wants to do with her husband and baby on Mothers Day. The baby won't remember it but OP will. She probably wouldn't enjoy the roast dinner as she doesn't have a good relationship with her MIL who is very overbearing.

MIL will have three of her children with her to celebrate Mothers Day with her so she will be fine.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/02/2025 07:01

DappledThings · 26/02/2025 21:23

If she's suggesting a day out I'd imagine it's quite likely she's also expecting a card. I may be wrong of course.

Regardless I still don't get the point of asking an adult who isn't your child to celebrate you as a mother. It just seems really fake to me.

I appreciate I am an outlier on this.

Show quote history

Surely it's OP's MIL who is expecting an adult who isn't her child (OP) to celebrate her as a mother by expecting OP to attend the lunch?

Most caring husbands/partners celebrate their wives/partners as a mother when the children are too young to organise presents/cards/meals out themselves.

Velvian · 27/02/2025 07:11

I hate Mothers' Day with a passion. My MIL has always expected a bit of a fanfare. When is it? Just another bloody when women with too many responsibilities have to remember another thing.

Cannot bear the advertising of lunch out, flowers, chocolate. Treat women with basic respect every day and scrap the event.

WinterSun20 · 27/02/2025 07:25

Nope, put your foot down and centre yourself and your family. She's not the main character in your family, you, your dh and baby are. I'm all for showing my mum some love and appreciation on Mother's Day with a card and flowers, but Mother's Day (imo) is really for the mothers in the thick of it with dependant children. Your mil has had decades of Mother's Days. As one previous poster said, time to pass the torch on! Enjoy your first Mother's Day the way you want to and don't give your mil a second thought.