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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

leaving children & step children our house in our will.

91 replies

GingerStephenson · 26/02/2025 17:19

My husband finished paying for his house when we were still courting. Since then we have married & lived together (for approximately 9 years). As we have gotten older, there has been discussions about selling up, moving away, & what to do regarding the house once we have passed. The discussions only ever mention him, myself & his children. I don't want to sound like I'm 'money grabbing' but what about my children. its such a difficult topic to discuss as I only had rented accommodation, however, I have contributed, financially, to the house since living together. Please advise & TIA.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 26/02/2025 21:11

She would be better off divorcing if she wanted to secure more of the assets to leave her children that’s completely correct.

That’s the thing isn’t it by law a divorce everything is considered ready to be split. In death it’s the will unless you contest and even then you might not get what you think you should. If he can show his been continuing to support his children now adults with regular cash gifts and or bill paying etc he can show his supporting them much like his wife and then this whole thing gets dragged out possibly eating on the whole estate.

Elsvieta · 26/02/2025 21:12

If you got your house for free (!) and you don't think that's quite enough, "money grabbing" is the phrase that comes to mind, quite frankly.

HaddyAbrams · 26/02/2025 21:15

harriethoyle · 26/02/2025 21:00

But you would have paid all of that on top of rent had you not been living, rent free, in your husband’s house. I simply don’t understand why you think you have any claim for your children on the house. All I’d expect in your shoes is a life interest if DH dies first, so you’re not evicted when widowed.

Show quote history

You don't pay for "all of that" on top of rent though. Repairs, improvements etc are up to the landlord surely? I'd pay to repair something if I broke it, but Repairs due to general wear and tear are down to my landlord.

Catza · 26/02/2025 21:29

I am a step child in a similar situation and it has never crossed my mind that my step-parent's house would go anywhere but to his own children. What an utterly bizarre thing to expect your kids to benefit from your husband's assets. You should make your own arrangements and so should their dad. It's not your husband's responsibility at all.

RawBloomers · 26/02/2025 21:30

What's the plan for if, as is likely, he dies before you, OP? Will you have half your joint estate? Is his plan to leave you a life interest in the house but then it goes to his children? Or is he planning to make you homeless?

I understand why people seem to be taking the stand that he gets to keep what he had before you got together. But that's neither entirely fair given the way you are supporting him, nor the way the law sees it.

If you can reasonably afford it, you might want to look at a session with a lawyer who specialises in estate planning and family law. Ask them what you would be reasonably entitled to expect from a will (I believe if he doesn't leave you as much as you could expect from a divorce, you will have good grounds to challenge it). And what might be reasonable ways of working out how to split the estate fairly (which I think would depend a lot of how old you are, what the age gap is between you and what all the assets involved are worth). Then you'll have some ideas for tackling the conversation with your DH.

Md85 · 26/02/2025 21:34

I think he should be leaving it to his children. If it was the other way around you might feel differently about giving a chunk of your house to his children. And your children have their own dad.

Maybe you could have some agreement in place that you live in the house, if he dies first.

Starseeking · 26/02/2025 21:39

Your DH had fully paid off the house long before you married, I can't see how that entitles your DC to anything from his house.

Your DH has made adequate provision for you, which is absolutely right, given the circumstances. You and your DC's Dad now need to make provision for your DC, and not rely on your DH who isn't related to them.

Floppyelf · 26/02/2025 21:40

Catza · 26/02/2025 21:29

I am a step child in a similar situation and it has never crossed my mind that my step-parent's house would go anywhere but to his own children. What an utterly bizarre thing to expect your kids to benefit from your husband's assets. You should make your own arrangements and so should their dad. It's not your husband's responsibility at all.

Did your step parent have joint children with your biological parent? That changes things

Catza · 26/02/2025 21:43

Floppyelf · 26/02/2025 21:40

Did your step parent have joint children with your biological parent? That changes things

Show quote history

No and it doesn't sound like OP does either.

Dramatic · 26/02/2025 21:57

Op it's not a nice situation to be in. Me and my husband have 5 children between us; 3 are mine, 1 is his and 1 is both of ours. We've already decided that everything will be shared equally between the 5 of them because otherwise it could get very messy, he's also taken on the father role to my children as their father isn't and never will be involved. It would be nice of him to share with your children but I suppose he doesn't have to.

bakedFishandChips · 26/02/2025 22:00

honeylulu · 26/02/2025 17:46

What happened to your house when you moved in with him?
Presumably you also had/ have an income which you've been able to save by living mortgage/ rent free for 9 years. What are your plans for those funds?
Have or will your children also inherit from their father?
Morally the most you can expect is a life interest in the house if he passes before you

and that is the kids inheritance really fucked up.

bakedFishandChips · 26/02/2025 22:05

GingerStephenson · 26/02/2025 20:02

In answer to your question 'what have I contributed to the house in the 9 years I have lived there?'
I have paid for repairs, improvements, furnishings etc. I have also paid for the upkeep of the house & bills since he retired some years ago & I am still working full time, whilst I can, in order to pay for the above.

if this is the case, sit down and discuss. If he died without a will, you are taking it all anyway;

Orangesinthebag · 26/02/2025 22:12

Tbh I think this is something you should have talked about before or when you got married.

But your children should inherit from you and their father.

If you are in your husband's will and he dies before you, you will inherit from him then when you die your children will inherit your share of his estate

I don't understand why they need to inherit more than that?

Showerisnownteresting · 26/02/2025 22:27

Similar situation. We've agreed, seen a solicitor and left anything left after care home fees, to our choice of charity. No way are his kids, who I've met twice in twenty years (their choice and they simply wanted money) getting their hands on the 30+ years of my earnings/savings before we met.

Orangesinthebag · 26/02/2025 22:35

Showerisnownteresting · 26/02/2025 22:27

Similar situation. We've agreed, seen a solicitor and left anything left after care home fees, to our choice of charity. No way are his kids, who I've met twice in twenty years (their choice and they simply wanted money) getting their hands on the 30+ years of my earnings/savings before we met.

What about his money?
I get you might not want them to have yours but does he not have "30 years worth of savings" from before he met you which he can leave to them?
Why does his share have to go to the cats' home or wherever?

HhalloNine · 26/02/2025 22:43

Soontobe60 · 26/02/2025 17:35

In what way have you contributed to the house? What have you done with the money you would have paid in rent for the last 9 years?
FWIW, I think your DH should leave the house to his children but give you the right to remain in it until you either remarry / cohabit or die. That’s what my DM did with her house and my stepfather.

This is what I have planned too, regarding my house, except my DP paid towards some renovations.

We have worked out the percentage we paid each, his DC’s then benefit from the same percentage rise in the value, since the price pre renovation.

We also have a cash amount (%) to all of the DC’s, his and mine, a larger percentage going to our own DC’s than the step DC’s.

Grandchildren, we have made a small cash bequest, the same for all, regardless of blood links…just because we both love them all!

Showerisnownteresting · 26/02/2025 22:44

Orangesinthebag · 26/02/2025 22:35

What about his money?
I get you might not want them to have yours but does he not have "30 years worth of savings" from before he met you which he can leave to them?
Why does his share have to go to the cats' home or wherever?

Show quote history

Nope he doesn't. He had no savings, lived in rented accommodation and spent what he earned. I love him but he is absolutely shit with money.

Dogaredabomb · 26/02/2025 22:54

This is why I would never marry again, I wouldn't want anyone but my own children to inherit anything.

RosesAreNice · 26/02/2025 22:58

I think it's pretty normal for him to think about you and his children inheriting from his estate. Your children would inherit from your estate.

GRex · 27/02/2025 07:15

I can't see what you plan to give his children when you die; how much have you set aside for them? It is reasonable to set that up to be an equal amount to whatever he is leaving yours, even if that is £0. It isn't reasonable for you to take his children's inheritance, being allowed to live in his house for a few years to sort yourself out is fair.

Lovelysummerdays · 27/02/2025 07:21

It does sort of seem that although you pay for day to day costs you won’t have built up equity by paying the mortgage. Does he have a retirement income? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say you feel you need to invest for your own retirement/ something for your children to inherit and he needs to shoulder his share of bills.

Lovelysummerdays · 27/02/2025 07:22

As a side note I don’t plan to ever remarry. I own and would like my children to inherit.

Orangesinthebag · 27/02/2025 07:25

Dogaredabomb · 26/02/2025 22:54

This is why I would never marry again, I wouldn't want anyone but my own children to inherit anything.

I agree.

I also think that if you do decide to marry later in life you should have conversations about this at the outset so you both know exactly where you stand.

finaldestination55 · 27/02/2025 07:58

It’s a difficult conversation but I would tell your husband how you feel. It might not be that your children are left part of the house but a small lump sum, or maybe you could take out life insurance and leave it to them? Explain how you've contributed and go forward from there. I was in a similar position that I moved into my husband's house & contributed to bills etc but it’s different in that my own inheritance paid the mortgage off. I don't have any children of my own but I am not leaving any 'share' of inheritance to my stepchild. We've been together for over 10 years and it was still a difficult conversation to have but if you know where you stand you can start to make preparation for your own children if you want to.

scotstars · 27/02/2025 07:59

This is the second recent post where people seem too embarrassed to discuss finances and just assume. You should have discussed this when moving in instead of paying for things that have no relevance in terms of ownership of the house - if he dies first has he made provisions for you to stay in the home or would it pass to sc immediately? I would rather have saved my money for my own kids than contribute to a house he was fine paying for before you moved in