Aibu to treat gfs differently to bfs?

[DarkForces]

Apologies I posted in LGBT children but no one could help so trying here. Hoping parents of bisexual children can help with my dilemma!

Dd is 13 and bisexual. Her current gf is a year younger and the first boy/girl she's dated she actually seems to like. They asked each other out at a sleepover and then had a cuddle all night (there was another friend there so sure nothing else happened). The problem is Dd wants another sleepover and whist I don't have a massive problem with it I wouldn't allow it if she (the gf) was a boy. Also Dd is definitely still at the stage intimacy beyond a quick kiss is icky so it's all very sweet and safe.

However, I feel if I allow this for a girl I'd have to for a boy and that feels very different. The risks of being pushed into sex feel higher, obviously pregnancy is a risk... also as she wants to experience more with a partner my boundaries may shift. I can hardly allow her more freedom at 13 than 15!

Any advice on navigating this would help. I feel I probably should just say no to sleepovers with more than friends as all relationships are equal. When we started to discuss this I told her I thought this is where I'd end up as all her partners are equal to me whatever sex they are, but I've asked for some time to think about it.

So would I be unreasonable to treat gfs differently to bfs in terms of allowing sleepovers with the door open for girls but not boys?

I wouldn’t allow a sleepover with a partner of either sex at the age of 13. Not until at least both partners were at least 16, in fact.

But yes, I would probably treat them differently. I think (from my and friends’ experiences) that teenage boys are more pushy about sex, and also the risk of pregnancy would be factor.

You don't have to do anything, you are allowed to have your own rules for situations. You could have some rules for just girls, and some for just boys. For now I'd probably have a separate beds rule and if she wants a boy to sleepover you assess that at the time. Just explain it to her now that it might be different in future.

Sleepover aside, if they want sexual relations then they will do it regardless of a sleepover.

At 14 I had sexual relations and usually it would be during the day while parents out or at work/shopping etc. Being sexual in parks/woods etc.

If someone wants to do it they will.
They won't just wait until 'bedtime'.

Infact, usually I'd guess bedtime would be more off limits due to the quietness of the house and everyone being there.

That being said, pregnancy and sti are a risk, so I'd make sure to have a good discussion with her regardless

13 is too young for sleepovers with anyone other than friends.

Don’t imagine having a friend in the room stopped anything sexual from happening.

Thankfully, my DC weren’t interested in serious relationships til they left for Uni however, they were the youngest in their year and focused on their exams which helped.

If they had asked from 16 it is acceptable but I am grateful it never came up. They are happy in a relationship now of nearly two years which started the first term of Uni so it’s not like they are lacking in the ability to form relationship's.
They had girlfriends at school/college and often went away for residential courses from 16 onwards so plenty of opportunity to have privacy if needed.

What are your daughter’s dreams and aspirations for her future? 13 is so young to want to spend the night together regardless of how innocent it may be.

@Elloelloello25 I had a lot of fun with my teenage bf bf but as you say there were risks. That's the key difference I think. Risks are a lot lower with gfs.

@Tumbleweed44 they we're just friends at the start of the night and she told me that things had changed as soon as I collected her. She's very responsible and will have an amazing future I'm sure despite me needing a bit of advice on navigating boundaries.

Absolutely agree, just wanted to point out that if they wish to do something, unfortunately they could even without with sleepover limit. But at the end of the day, it's your home and your boundaries within the home.

Personally, aside from the sexual element, I think I'd have a no sleepover rule for new relationships, maybe less than 6 months. To show boundaries and that they don't need to be in each other's pockets. Young relationships can be so intense.

Not necessarily and only regarding pregnancy especially if they are bisexual. STI’s aren’t bothered if you are a boy or a girl.

Absolutely not. The risk of pregnancy is hardly the only reason it's far too young to sleepover with a boyfriend or girlfriend at age 12 and 13!!

I like that. Makes a lot of sense.

"Dd is 13 and bisexual. Her current gf is a year younger and the first boy/girl she's dated she actually seems to like."

OP, this is a child, "dating" an even younger child. How long has your child been having such relationships?

What do you mean by the comment “this is the first person your DD has dated that she actually likes? “

why does she feel the need to have a gf or bf?

Well they kind of are due to the nature of how you catch them. Lesbians have a lot lower rate of stis.

She's 13. She's allowed to have a relationship and I'm completely supportive of that. The previous ones have been friends with a different label in reality, but she really likes this gf. She hasn't even asked about sleeping over before

But you say your DD is bisexual so her female partners maybe bisexual too.

I would steer away from the advice that lesbians are less likely to contract STI’s even if statistically this is true as it only takes one partner. Very ignorant way to inform your DC’s future sexual health.

It all sounds wayyyy too much for a 12yo and a 13yo. I agree with PP, no more sleepovers for now.

I feel this is becoming a bit off point. I'm looking for advice on how other parents of bisexual children have dealt with different sex partners. Dd is not a serial dater. She's had a couple of brief 'relationships' and I've been close by on all dates that happened in public places. She's not at dreadful risk of stds and pregnancy right now. I just need some sensible advice to protect her that's somewhere between just let loose and don't allow the chance of anything happening before she's an adult. A 6 month boundary seems sensible.

A sleepover with someone they’re “in a relationship” with is off limits at 13. Pps have said “if they want to do sexual things then they’ll find a way” - this may be true but you’re making it easier, and more importantly you’re effectively giving them permission by allowing a sleepover.

Put down boundaries and explain that sleepovers are not appropriate for ‘romantic’ relationships until they’re adults (or above the age of consent if you’re happy with that, many parents aren’t as it intensifies the relationship while they’re still very young).

You wouldn’t allow it with a boy so don’t allow it with a girl if they’re more than just friends. Pregnancy and STIs aren’t the only reason you should not allow a sleepover with a boy, it’s too much and too intense for a romantic partner of any sex, at that age.

Again, they were friends when I agreed to the sleepover. I'm not stopping her having sleepovers with friends.

What happened during the sleepover though to change things? It sounds as though something sexual has already happened between them to change the relationship in your daughter's eyes - in which case as others have said this is likely to continue regardless of sleep over rules.

Don’t forget that the emotional side is just as high risk (or more, if your DD is experimenting with who she is and feels pressure to conform). A friend had a DD who similarly declared that a friend had become a girlfriend and she was a lesbian. My friend was satisfied that her DD was responsible, talked to her parents about things, sensible kid etc and she allowed sleepovers from day 1. This resulted in them barely spending a night apart, her DD was isolated from friends, began to struggle in ways not expected. If it had been a boy, there’s no way my friend would have allowed her DD to spend such a vast amount of time alone with them. It did not end well.

Pregnancy and St’s aside, children of this age are emotionally immature and sleepovers as anything other than friends in separate beds is wrong imo.
If, when, the relationship ends girls can be equally, if not more, tricky to deal with and can be vicious
Only recently a poor 12 year old girl committed suicide after being attacked by her former best friend and 2 attacks at least were filmed.
I know times are different but my kids only ever had a bf or gf sleepover after a relationship of several months and the youngest was 18.
Surely they can meet up and go out at weekends?

From the sounds of it I think other parents would prefer it if you did.

But they aren’t just friends anymore. No one has suggested you stop sleepovers with friends.

All the comments re: pregnancy etc are not de-railing the thread, they are comments on the difference in allowing sleepovers with partners of either sex.

Fundamentally you are rather ignoring what everyone is saying: 13 and 12 is way too young to allow sleepovers and bed sharing, regardless of sex. It’s very intimate and has emotional and psychological consequences and allowing it so young is inevitably setting you up for issues in the future if you want different rules. Better to say no, not til 16 as a blanket rule, and then consider the position afresh when she (and any partner) are 16.

That's a horrible thing to say about dd. She's not some awful abuser. She's a sweet young teen who admitted she liked someone and they said they liked her too. Dd made me aware as soon as I collected her and made sure the other girls parents knew too.