Aibu to treat gfs differently to bfs?

[DarkForces]

Apologies I posted in LGBT children but no one could help so trying here. Hoping parents of bisexual children can help with my dilemma!

Dd is 13 and bisexual. Her current gf is a year younger and the first boy/girl she's dated she actually seems to like. They asked each other out at a sleepover and then had a cuddle all night (there was another friend there so sure nothing else happened). The problem is Dd wants another sleepover and whist I don't have a massive problem with it I wouldn't allow it if she (the gf) was a boy. Also Dd is definitely still at the stage intimacy beyond a quick kiss is icky so it's all very sweet and safe.

However, I feel if I allow this for a girl I'd have to for a boy and that feels very different. The risks of being pushed into sex feel higher, obviously pregnancy is a risk... also as she wants to experience more with a partner my boundaries may shift. I can hardly allow her more freedom at 13 than 15!

Any advice on navigating this would help. I feel I probably should just say no to sleepovers with more than friends as all relationships are equal. When we started to discuss this I told her I thought this is where I'd end up as all her partners are equal to me whatever sex they are, but I've asked for some time to think about it.

So would I be unreasonable to treat gfs differently to bfs in terms of allowing sleepovers with the door open for girls but not boys?

Thanks to everyone who actually had helpful advice. Rules are not until older and 6 months dating beforehand! Makes a lot of sense.

No sleepovers with romantic partners, she’s too young. The girl can stay over but only as part of a group sleepover like any other friend. You can explain it’s just a boundary to support healthy relationships as it could make things very intense very quickly if they do stay together, even friendships can be very intense at that age.

I think it depends of whether your issue is then having sex or of its pregnancy risk.

If the issue is sex, then the rules are the same if gf/gf or gf/bf.
If the issue is pregnancy, then yes gf/gf is much less of an issue.

Personally, my issue would be having sex, especially at that age.
I wouldnt want to condone a 12yo potentially having sex in my house.
I would have issues around their respective maturity, ability to handle relationships, consent etc…
Imo Theyre both too young to be put in a situation where an adult is basically saying it’s ok to have sex.

Thank @Haveyouanyjam. I'm going to go with this and add an open door!

@LionME i think you're right. I definitely don't condone sex with anyone at dd's age

At her age, a sleepover with a romantic partner is not appropriate. It's too intense. Doffocult of they are in the same friend group in which case if its a group sleepover I'd maybe agree if they are in separate beds and others are in he same room

Makes sense @DrinkFeckArseBrick. Thanks to everyone who gave me sensible advice.

On balance I'm glad I asked. I think you've made me confront dd getting older and potentially interested in sex although I still think she's a fair way off doing anything much. In the end it's about protecting her and thinking about the longer term. I've spoken to dh and we've agreed on no sleepovers with gfs for a good long time!

I think it's a big mistake to label your very young teen with a sexual orientation label (bisexual) and to describe friends she fancies as her 'partners'. She is a 13 year old child with a 12 year old 'girlfriend'. These are children - adult labels and concepts are not appropriate. She might consider herself grown up, you know she isn't.

@MimiGC im just trying to describe the situation as quickly as possible and get a bit of advice.

I think 13 is far too young for the intensity of bed-sharing, regardless of sex. Even friendships can be a lot at that age, putting a sexual relationship into the mix is just too much for children to handle.

This was my gut instinct too. I just wanted to check it and get advice from parents who had been there done that. I've agreed that it's the right way to go

Obviously the physical aspects of pregnancy are a worry with a boy. But just because she's now dating a girl doesn't mean there can't be peer pressure regarding sex and intimacy. I'd still be incredibly wary and aware that sex could happen and at 13 she is too young emotionally and physically. I would very much be keeping an eye on her. We can't presume because they are both female that she can't get hurt.

Your child's girlfriend is 12. Do you really want to be responsible for a 12 year old / young 13 year old in your house deciding to do this? I wouldn't. I think it would be madness. What do her parents think? What if something does happen and then they regret it. You have a world of problems in your home.

12/13 is far too young for relationships in my opinion and so much risk to you with a minor in your house who is not your child.

@Cm19841 have you actually read anything I've written? I haven't allowed anything. I was asking advice before making a final decision. No harm has come to anyone and I've had some great advice from people who've taken a moment to read what I've said.

Surely you're aware of your own bias to your own child?

Knowing after it's too late is hardly helpful.

What happens when it's a different situation and it's your DD's word against the other girl's? Because it's gone further and the girl in that situation is confused about her sexuality and regrets it the next day, and the other girl's parents are hitting the roof? It will be even worse if in that situation DD is 15 going on 16 and the friend is 13. They are children.

There's no point keeping it to just friendships because this time started out as a friendship as well. It's a loophole that's far too easy and will be used against you in future relationships.

What do the 12 year olds parents think ?

I'm coming to my own decision before I ask. Strictest rules win obviously but as I'm a no it's not really a question anymore

Way too young for relationships or ‘dating.’ Definitely no sleepovers either. I am a secondary school teacher and it is very worrying when young people of that age get into relationships and I would be concerned as a parent too. They are too emotionally immature for one thing.

13 is way too young for this whatever their inclinations are.

As you say a lot of them are 'dating' and I'd rather know than ban it and her do it behind my back.

@DarkForces - I said "I think it would be madness". I'm quite aware you said you're considering it and nothing has happened and nobody has been harmed.

All the best.

This

How am I ignoring it when I've agreed to it? This is getting ridiculous.

A 13 year old shouldn’t be having sleep overs with any romantic partner. Sex regardless.

treat them the same. My lesbian friend was having sex with her gf at her parents for years and they didn’t have a clue.

A 12 year old sharing a bed with a girlfriend over night is actually insane.