To ask how people get to be hoarders?

[drspouse]

Watching Sort your Life Out - always makes me feel a little better about our slightly messy house.
I know people on here who've lived with hoarders as partners or parents and those who've tried to help them, and I've heard people also say it's really hard to treat.
Does anyone know how this all happens, are people "just like that" or is there a trigger? Why is it so hard to treat? I know anxiety is fairly well treated these days and OCD can be if people engage with help, is hoarding worse and if so why?

Fear of death for me

I've had to work more than full time in the last 3 years and I've not stopped buying craft kits/hobby stuff

And when it arrives I shove it in a cupboard for the day I retire/have time to do it

You see if I buy stuff I can't possibly die before using it

(Also there's a bit of a fantasy life where I have time to paint/make things)

@LaurieFairyCake I understand. I have loads of cross-stich and embroidery kits, bought for relaxing with in retirement. I have been retired 5 years, and haven't started any of them yet!! I keep thinking I'll have them for after DH dies (morbid, I know!). More likely I'll take them to a charity shop one day.

I think also hoarding can be a consequence of staying in the same house for too long. Moving house forces you to be a bit more ruthless, or at least clear-eyed, about what you have and whether it deserves a place in your next home.

That’s really interesting, I had a similar though nowhere near as extreme mum (so she keeps nothing, doesn’t even have a photo of me or her grandchild on display). I’m more inclined to go her way if I don’t watch myself so do a lot of clearing out but she was also very controlling and angry so I think trained me that this was the way you did it and she sees herself as superior.

It depends I suppose, but if anyone cal tell me why I do this, I would be grateful:

I have kept every single excercise book, drawing, artwork, certficate etc etc my 3 DC's have ever brought home. Its 1/4 of my loft space.

I try and get rid of it but I can't. Why?
I absolutely know that they are never going to ask to see the illegible story they wrote in reception class in 2011. I just cannot get rid of it.

@Notchangingnameagain , I used to do this . I found taking a photo of the item before binning it helped.

@Notchangingnameagain I would suggest it may be because it feels either like it is a piece of them, or possibly it triggers memories of how they where and what else was going on around them at the age.

Some people do well storing it electronically, still hoarding, but less space, and socially accepted. Some need the tangible item, not an electronic reproduction.

I wonder if the death of a loved has the practical element of inheriting a lot of "stuff" that was precious to the loved one that the potential hoarder becomes custodian of. To either integrate into their own households or to sift through later when it's less raw, it's a softer goodbye than binning the cherished belongings of someone you cared for. Its like continuing to care for them. That initial influx of "stuff" can easily lead to overwhelm that someone either gets to grips with, or doesn't

Obviously hadn't read the thread!

I did this. It's a nice thing to go through with them when they're older and have a wee bonfire and burn what they wouldn't take with them when they leave home. If you have the luxury of space to store it until then, it seems almost callous just binning it as it comes in

Actually the words 'custodian' and 'continuing to care for them' resonate deeply here, regarding trying to deal with dead childrens possessions, especially with their siblings. Everyone knows the stuff is not them, but it becomes all that is left, frozen in time causing emotional overload every time attempts are made to dispose of it.

Edited to add; I wonder if some people's actions are driven by continuing to be the custodian, or care for the 7yr old, or 10 yr old etc, version of their child...

Potentially, although the hoarders I've come across don't just keep personal belongings. They won't throw out refuse, rotting food etc, even excrement. I appreciate I witness the extreme end. It's the lack of ability to cope but also hanging onto things

I have to manually tell myself that it's the creative process/ experience that matters more than the thing. I do keep some things, but I have to remind myself that I'm not obliged to keep every thing ever.
I was pretty sensible when DC2 finished primary school. I kept one school jumper for sentiment, but the rest of the uniform was washed, bagged and passed on promptly to a friend with a younger child.

To keep myself in a sustainable state, it's an input and output thing. Trying to keep what comes in to what genuinely makes life a bit more joyful (be it through being useful or aesthetic). And trying to accept when the use of an object has been served, when it is broken or poor condition or outgrown and send it onward.

With the DC's clothes, I sometimes keep "iconic" things (but to be fair they're usually worn to death so not going to be prized by anyone else) but try to clear the bulk out in the simplest way possible- for me that's the charity shop or clothing banks. I'll only attempt to sell genuinely higher value items such as bikes or furniture. I will offer stuff to people that may be interested, but they have the option to decline at the point of offering. Foisting items on to other people can be a form of hording by proxy.
My children will not want their homes filling with stuff that I saved on their behalf. (Where DM has lost rational management of the situation is that the keeping outweighs the purpose so even if something is still good 30 years after it was saved "for the grandchildren" she is uncomfortable with the actual grandchildren having or using it)

I like the Marie Kondo method of thanking items at the point of disposal.

It's hard. We naturally conserve things as it's sustained us through history, and many of us like the dopamine hit of new things or physical sentimentality. But it takes effort to maintain the healthy zone of not accumulating more than we can reasonably manage.

I don't want to spend the second half of my life being held ransom by stuff just because I owned it at some point and I'm hoping that I have got enough strategies and rational thinking to avoid it. Without Stacey, Dilly and co, the better strategy for most of us is to regularly review a small chunk at a time, a drawer or a surface and deal with that in 15 mins with a small amount to pass on to a new destination in one go.

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett

DM has shifted nothing of DFs in 30+ years.
Partly sentiment and letting go.
Partly losing an accountable person with boundaries and the practical side that he would do a tip run on a Sunday. (Ladies don't do tip runs don't you know 🙄)

And then when the arthritis set in 15 years later, everything got harder to manage practically anyway and the whole thing escalated. (Meaningful offers of help were made many times and the very little that had been taken up has been so negligable in the scale of the chaos)

And everything of DF's is 30+ years older and at best musty now anyway. Fortunately he had a fairly minimal amount of personal items, but that loss will need to be re-visited again in the future. While DM might be able to avoid it, we won't and the likely outcome is that it would either be at a crisis point of her death or going into a care home.

Plus there's also other inherited items that have sat doing nothing for 20+ years from other family bereavements (thinks of the extra china service in a house which already had a best set and an every day ramshackle assortment decades old... in a house long past having a functional dining table or even visitors)

The big tipping point between function and chaos was last of the children moving out after a polonged family life and no longer having the boundary of keeping those rooms free. In a person who has faced trauma and losses, it can be a form of loss in its own right.

The emotional toll of grief has to be faced at some point by someone and it can not be procrastinated away forever. In that way it's like being affected by someone else's addiction e.g. gambling debts.

I have hoarding tendencies and a small house so I have to keep a watch on my behaviour. I worked for a while in a charity shop and after the initial excitement of being surrounded by bags and boxes of stuff it became sad, depressing and predictable. Then I had to sort out houses after bereavements and this has reined me in.
Boxes and boxes of unused and unopened things is so sad, especially when they fetch pennies in the end. Cutlery, clothes, dinner sets ‘kept for good’ all piling up in the back of a shop is the end destination.
I think you shouldn’t keep things ‘for good’.

I have a problem holding onto the ‘just in case’ stuff but on the back of this thread I got stuck into my spare room and managed to fill a large bin bag to bring to the clothes recycling. Whilst I find some of the stories incredibly sad, I like these threads because they remind me of the importance to keep on top of things. Even dealing with a few bits a day leaving the house makes a difference.

I've got a bit of a backlog of stuff at the "leaving the house" stage. I've mentally accepted its job is done, and since new year I've been using a charity bag to put it in and taking it to a clothes bank near DC's activity. One bag a week is a 5min job but does stack to a result.

It got "stuck" because I got hung up on overthinking it and things like seasonality and when the charity shop will want it/ be overrun.

Agree on charity shops. The truth is that saving stuff for best does not make sense. Goods are really cheap and disposable now. They aren't heirlooms in most cases. Saving it is probably a waste of time.

I think the Swedes have something called "death cleaning" where a person decides to rid their house of stuff so as not to place the responsibility onto the family when they pass.

Others would describe me as a hoarder but I don't think I am! I describe myself as a maximalist! (Hence username)

I loathe minimalist houses/spaces. They make me feel very uncomfortable.

I love being around my stuff.

I have lots of lovely collections. I take care of my things. I sort & organise. I collect things of value.

I'm also really interested in local history & genealogy so collect things related to this eg. Old personal paperwork.

I'm from a family of hoarders and I'm so glad my grandparents kept stuff as it's fascinating.

I do t keep things that are broken or unusable.

But yes the house is stuffed full much like many on SYLO.

I am also autistic and have a trauma & loss history . Eg Mum throwing out childhood memories, frequent house moves, poverty, homelessness.

I'd never ever want to be left with nothing again.

My reasoning is that even if I lost all my income I'd have enough to read, listen to and watch forever.

No one can take my stuff away from me.

I find things more reliable than people.

People leave.
People hurt you.
People forget you.

All I'll have left when I die is my possessions- they are me.

The problem is, that quality things from our grandparents generation, are very much valuable and indeed 'too good' for everyday

DS has been very honest that he does not want our stuff after we die. He has been persuaded to keep the family bible and I think unless something was useful it would be out the door. DH does not collect anything. I did collect Ladybird books and have 1,200. Now we have retired once the DIY is done I’m going through them and expect to get rid of 1,000 of them. The one thing I have kept is my dolls house but I’m thinking of getting rid of that. I like the thought of making the decisions of parting with my own stuff.

I volunteer in a charity shop the amount of collections that come in is huge. We had a vast collection of a specific type of China ornament come in this week. A reseller who comes in often had a long chat to me about what is valuable money wise and it really isn’t that much unless a genuine antique. It’s very much that stuff is seen as clutter and is going out of fashion.

No! Use them I say. Saving stuff for grand day that never comes is to forget that these things were meant to be used and survive. Use the crystal, dinner service, bone handled cutlery, the table cloth, the furniture. I like it.

There may be genetic or trauma reason for some people, but sometimes there isnt a known reason. I can be part of an illness like depression
Recommend reading Hoarding by MIND,an UK mental health charity. It has information about possible causes, plus other info about hoarding.

Just sharing a list of information resources;

Websites and books about hoarding disorder for people who hoard
Websites and about hoarding disorder for family and friends