To ask how people get to be hoarders?

[drspouse]

Watching Sort your Life Out - always makes me feel a little better about our slightly messy house.
I know people on here who've lived with hoarders as partners or parents and those who've tried to help them, and I've heard people also say it's really hard to treat.
Does anyone know how this all happens, are people "just like that" or is there a trigger? Why is it so hard to treat? I know anxiety is fairly well treated these days and OCD can be if people engage with help, is hoarding worse and if so why?

So many reasons...lack of money, not wanting to waste anything, abuse, mental health issues...the list is endless. I as a child had no toys and I mean nothing and I grow up in the 80s. I struggle with my dd toys and letting things go but I am working on it ..I was proud of myself yesterday clearing out her craft cupboard and throwing some useful stickers (which were half used) in the bin...for me that was a huge step.

I’m not a full-on hoarder but I do struggle with keeping my house tidy and clutter-free. For me it’s linked to my dyspraxia and executive function issues.

The actual hoarding is a mental disorder mostly a result of trauma, a mental illness, but can be inherited as well. It is very different from being a messy person.

Have a look at Diogenes syndrome a specific type of hoarding. Agree with trauma -
often after a death/divorce/childhood poverty/ emotional neglect. About a third of people
with autism have hoarding tendencies too

There's a book called Buried in Treasures.

Most of my training was facilitated learning at work.

My grandmother would be regarded in modern terms as a compulsive hoarder. She collected anything and everything that could be deemed 'useful' but in most cases, never threw anything away, be it fabric, furniture, ornaments, clothes, anything. She was the eldest of 14, born to a poor mining family, who lived in a 2 up - 2 down miners cottage, and endured a dysfunctional and abusive childhood. She had very few possessions growing up, so my mother and siblings have often wondered whether growing up in poverty caused her to develop the habit when she had access to more money and led a more comfortable life in adulthood. Strangely it also worsened in the years prior to her Alzheimer's diagnosis in her early 60s.

My mum was adopted but never told about it until she was an adult.
She had been in an Irish mother and baby home for most of the first year of her life. Obviously she has no memory of it but when we found out it made a lot of sense.
She is very distrustful of human beings. Doesn't really bond. Tells petty lies.. doesn't seem to want intimacy.
Yet she hoards. She puts so much emotion into objects. Especially clothing, jewellery and furniture.
You will get an extreme emotional reaction if you try to move anything or god forbid throw anything away.
Yet when when people close to her have died she showed very limited emotion.

I personally think she feels safer forming attachments to objects and she builds them around herself.

I think she emotionally regulates by buying things and getting a little thrill of happiness from that.

I guess it makes sense. People can harm you but buying things will always deliver.

I think I am possibly genetically predispositioned. Parents keep a lot, but they have a much bigger house with a triple garage so it's not so noticeable. I keep a lot of stuff - letters from 40 years ago, clothes even from 40 years ago. I find it hard to get rid of books but try to.

Part of it is feeling bad about waste - just chucking a broken umbrella in the bin for example seems hugely wasteful and uncool ecologically, but I know there's no real alternative. I wouldn't just change my bathroom suite because I fancied a new colour for example because of the waste/environmental damage. Somehow my DC's have collected hundreds of colouring pencils but now are too old to use them. I keep them because binning them is too awful (a wasteful indulgence) but I don't know where I could donate them to children who might enjoy them. Ditto with loads of things.

I personally struggle with clutter but it's due to me being very disorganised rather than wanting to hold onto anything. I also have 3 primary aged children and work full time. So I'm basically exhausted.

The difference between me and my mum is thatoif someone came to sort thru and clean my house for me id be so deeply grateful for the help.
Whereas when I've attempted to clean my mums house for her she's threatened to kill herself, accused me of stealing, bought tonnes more stuff as a result. It's really that she wants nothing touched or moved and doesn't want to part with anything.. it's more than just disorganisation.
When trying to help her she's made me go thru drawers of put of date nail varnish showing her every single one before I could throw them away.. and she even kept most of them even tho they were congealed. And this was a large chest of drawers just full of nail varnishes dating back years.
And that's just an example.. it's not the only thing she hoards.

its related to trauma, the hoarder can't cope with life and hoarding becomes a way to feel safe. I've known several hoarders, one was especially bad, when anyone tried to help him he became terribly upset and almost unhinged.

I think the worse the hoard the worse the trauma they have. It's very sad.

My darling grandad was a bit of a hoarder

He grew up during the first World War and fought in the second (born in 1906)

I think his way of coping with his ptsd was to cling onto stuff and see danger everywhere-even in the most innocent of things

Apparently my granny once cleared out a cupboard that he'd filled with the silver wrappings from polo packets and he was really upset about it

He'd got a bit better by the time I came along,he still clung to stuff but not as badly

I remember having to be careful what I binned and had to have his permission or he'd get anxious

As he 'lost' his hoarder tendencies,he developed ocd-im sure they where linked

As a child,it was normal

I'm not a hoarder at all-im forever getting rid of stuff

My friend who is a hoarder was similar to this apart from wealthy. Moved around a lot as a child, different countries often, and was told 'leave your stuff we'll get new stuff when you get there!' Each time. Boarding school for some or childhood, 70s not allowed a lot of own belongings. Never allowed to have an attachment to things.

Now in his 50s, house is a health hazard, bits of wood everywhere god forbid there were a fire, even won't throw away dead pets (they're in his freezer) not a floor or surface uncovered, broken things, nothing thrown away, a complete tip.

I've had no real trauma and as a child lived comfortably in just one house.

However my Father was a 'collector' books, jelly moulds, rugs, pearl buttons, vintage cameras and antique kitchen ware.

My Mother started hoarding as dementia progressed.

I've struggled since inheriting my parents house contents combined with long covid.

I suspect neurodiversity runs through the family.

As per a previous poster, I struggle a great deal with clutter and mess, but it's far more an organisational issue than anything else, and I'm not actually massively attached to "stuff", besides a few things I collect - books, records, and vintage tech. Now and again, I'll happily thin those collections out if anything seems to gather dust.

Hoarders often kid themselves they're "collectors", but the big giveaway is that they won't organise, display, use or care for their collections properly, often resulting in them breaking or being buried under so much clutter the things can't be used. My sister in law is like this - she compulsively recorded TV shows on VHS tapes for years, gradually filling her house. She was attempting to catalogue them all, but recording new stuff at a faster rate. She stored them so carelessly that most were destroyed by mould, but she still wouldn't get rid of them for years.

All the things in my collections work and are regularly used. Likewise, I've seen people with absolutely huge collections, but that are meticulously cared for and displayed. That's not hoarding, even if the amount of stuff seems huge.

@drspouse , I'm a hoarder, and in my case there's an inherited tendency. Something happened to me that was the trigger for making it an issue.

Saying it is a MH issue doesn't help me, I'm not mentally ill,
On a scale of 1 to 5, I'm probably a 3, but a few trips to the tip would get it (temporarily) sorted.

Yes, my neighbour says she is a collector, actually has mountains of lovely vintage clothes and shoes from the 30's and 50's...all dumped in the cellar, her brother also hoards as did her mum, her house is hazard as i trip up now trying to navigate the hallway....she is trying to clear and admits she has a problem but cant stay away from those charity shops and car boot sales so more stuff arrives than is removed !!

SYLO isn't real hoarding, more clutter and overwhelm although you do see some of the families really struggle to let go of certain classes of item.

I'm a very tidy and organised hoarder. DM is the same. I grew up poor and she was constantly searching for bargains, she's got cupboards full of sheets and towels and the like because the price was good and you're bound to need them eventually.

I initially had the same habit but overcame that. I just hate waste so can't throw things away and I know that most of the stuff you send to charity gets thrown away so I use FB to try to find homes for my stuff. It's time consuming and exhausting.

If it was cluttering up my home I'd be more inclined to deal with it but it's all very tidy and organised and hidden away. I do also have the 'I might need it some day' mindset.

So in theory it's not a problem but it is, it's always on my mind and I know there's good stuff getting spoiled in the garage or taking up space we could put to better use. I really need to do something about it.

Oddly I am great at helping other people declutter. Not just chucking stuff but helping them with the mindset and getting them to work through their attachments. I know it all just can't do it myself.

Im not a hoarder but i do collect things and sometimes struggle to let go of things
DM was a minimalist and often disposed of my precious belongings from as young as I can remember which I hated
We were also frequently short of money - I vividly remember her selling my dolls house and later a dolls pram when she couldn’t afford to pay the coal man!

I'm not a hoarder. If anything, I prefer to get rid of unnecessary clutter. But the older I get, the less willing I am to dispose of still-useful stuff - for example, shoes and trousers, which I might need occasionally, often flattering things I wore at work. It is surprising how often I do need something - I really wouldn't want the expense of buying anything new. However, I admit, the cupboards have filled up over the years. I can't leave it all for my children to sort out.

I'm not sure it's always trauma. I think it can also be a reluctance to have a sort-out (lack of time, more interesting things to do) plus living in a large house where you can stuff things into cupboards in the several back bedrooms and ignore them.

I have some elderly friends who so far as I know (and I have known them, and members of their families, since I was a child) have never suffered major trauma, but have a house where the 'public rooms' are presentable but what looks very much like hoarding kicks in as you move deeper into the house.

Or does that not count as hoarding because it's semi under control?

We also had very little growing up - eg school uniform a tracksuit for playing out in and Sunday best dress - 2 pairs of shoes, school, best and some pumps - wellies in winter
Now my wardrobe is bulging and I have easily over a hundred items of footwear

there are many types of hoarding - the ones on shows like "buried alive" have trauma but there are also knowledge hoarders gathering books, newspapers and magazines, or train timetables, often ND rather than caused by trauma. Also "Del Boy" types who hoard stuff to sell convinced their canny hoarding will earn them a fortune. I know one with a lock up full of action figures etc, they may be worth a fair bit but the amount he's paying in storage and time taken listing is insane and he barely breaks even 😂It's crazy behaviour and not all trauma driven. I have family members in ALL hoarding categories 😂

The home on the programme tonight was definitely hoarded to about clutter rating 4. Unfortunately the kids were learning to 'collect' too. The mums self worth was really caught up in clothes and shoes due to her past trauma about being belittled by her ex.

My mum was a hoarder. Not so bad as I grew up, but ramped up massively when my brother died age 23. It was horrible sorting her place out when she died.

I have hoarding tendencies. I'm slowly decluttering as I don't want my kids to have to go through a shit ton of stuff when I'm gone. Sometimes it's hard - but do I really need all their school work from primary school? (there's 5 of them, so that's a lot of crap artwork!) and toys, books and baby clothes. No.

I also feel guilty about sending stuff to landfill, but I also never actually get rid of stuff, lots of it is broken etc. So it just needs chucking and I need to get over it.

Part of it is also from when I was depressed living with an alcoholic who never did anything in the house, and left it in a state when he left, as in half done DIY that I can't finish. I need to sort out and decorate the other rooms before I can bear to have anyone in to sort the bathroom and kitchen. As I'm autistic (and most likely have adhd) this is also another thing that makes it difficult for me - having the executive functioning is hard.

It can be overwhelming, so much needs to be done and I don't know where to start, so end up doing nothing. I've slowly realised that doing something is better than nothing, but still sometimes get paralysed by it all.

I'm getting there slowly, need to do another tip run soon, once I get over yet another stinking cold!

I'm not sure it's always trauma and a genetic predisposition either

I recently discovered an elderly male relative is a hoarder ( I had to access his house to get his clothes when he ended up in hospital). I was shell-shocked by what I saw in his house. He's never really wanted us anywhere near his house so we respected that - he's always presented himself really well, very clean, well dressed, tidy car. But it's a complete facade for the chaos behind his front door. Rubbish knee deep everywhere, I can't get in the bedrooms.

I can't get my head round it - he's had a good, stable upbringing, never wanted for anything, good looking with a little red sports car in his 20s, but never married

The nearest explanation I can get to it is that's he's neurodivergent in some way. I found he's completely unable to throw away magazines he has on subscription because there might be an article he hasn't read, or useful information in it for the future. There's also loads of engineering drawings and calculations everywhere in the house - he's a former aeronautical engineer

It's mind boggling