Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how people get to be hoarders?

148 replies

drspouse · 25/02/2025 20:25

Watching Sort your Life Out - always makes me feel a little better about our slightly messy house.
I know people on here who've lived with hoarders as partners or parents and those who've tried to help them, and I've heard people also say it's really hard to treat.
Does anyone know how this all happens, are people "just like that" or is there a trigger? Why is it so hard to treat? I know anxiety is fairly well treated these days and OCD can be if people engage with help, is hoarding worse and if so why?

OP posts:
Unpaidviewer · 25/02/2025 22:28

We had an elderly lady hoarder on our estate when we were kids. Both her son and husband died after drowning in the local lake. And then her house and garden spiraled out of control.

OonaStubbs · 25/02/2025 22:30

I always remember Mr Trebus from A Life of Grime.

HouseAshamed · 25/02/2025 22:31

@JaceLancs , the same is true in my case. I buy things and completely forget about them. I have several unopened parcels.

@EdithStourton , I have tidy, organised cupboards. Some cupboards are empty. The loft is almost empty. There is stuff on all surfaces.

@theteachesofleeches , I think I could be ND. I have a bit of a DelBoy mentality. A lot of the junk is stuff I hoped to sell or fix and pass on,

@ChangingHistory , I'd have no trouble sorting someone else's clutter either.

DCIRozHuntley · 25/02/2025 22:31

My husband was a hoarder when his parents died. He was an only child and they passed away when he was 18 (mum) and then 19 (dad). When we met 3 years later, he was living in his childhood home. He was a hoarder to the point he couldn't even throw a pizza box away in case he needed it for something. It was literally knee deep in takeaway boxes. He said it had started before his dad died - his dad had wanted him to have "a stash of dinners" in the freezer ready for when he was on his his own (both his parents had long drawn out deaths from cancer) - and then after his dad died, well, what's a pizza box on the floor matter when you've got no one in the world who loves you? Then all of a sudden, there are 50 pizza boxes and what's the point of even trying to sort it when you're barely holding it together?

I used to find those programmes quite funny and get a bit judgey but I find them so painful now.

WingsofRain · 25/02/2025 22:47

My partner is a hoarder in a serious way, it’s a huge problem to the extent that he fills every space he can with rubbish, junk and useless objects. He has never experienced any trauma though and has been like this his whole life.

There is a huge family history of hoarding however so I’m inclined to think it’s a combination of genetics and upbringing.

Thoughtprovoke · 25/02/2025 22:49

Interesting thread.

I think my MIL verges on being a hoarder, although not sure exactly what you need to do to meet the definition. Maybe it’s just extreme clutter. You can get in the front door, for example, though the garage is piled high with stuff and you can’t get in. The kitchen cupboards are full of repeated and never used tea sets and matching China, but you can never find a teaspoon and everything is totally disorganised.

I have noticed that she seems to attach a great deal of sentimental value to “stuff”. Everything has a story. Things that were gifted or bought on holiday, or at a particular time of her life. It doesn’t matter if they serve no purpose or are a bit broken or just terribly ugly. She looks forward to passing it all on to us, and just won’t accept that… I don’t really want any of it. I wonder whether it is just personality, or whether it has anything to do with her immigrating to a new country as a younger woman, and wanting to attach roots to her space?

I feel very guilty as I suspect I’m probably a bit pathological in the other direction. My whole family are much the same. I don’t really attach much sentimental meaning to objects at all. I hate being encumbered by things and I feel like my brain won’t work unless everything is neat and ordered and purposeful. I don’t see the value in extra stuff, even if it belonged to someone I love. Children’s first baby clothes and toys can happily go to the baby bank or charity shop, as long as I can keep the actual children!

memoriesofamiga · 25/02/2025 22:53

ohyayy · 25/02/2025 20:33

I’m a hoarder, although not to the extremes of television but given half the chance I would be if that makes sense.

Like most conditions there isn’t a single one cause. For me, though, a big problem was my minimalist dad. He was always throwing away things of mine that I valued. An example, I did my last GCSE exam and the next day my school tie and blazer, bag and exercise books had gone to the tip Hmm He wouldn’t tell you he was doing it, you’d just notice that it was missing.

Then when I was 18 he sold the house I’d grown up in and whoosh everything went. So I have nothing from being a child or teen - no trinkets or books or clothes or jewellery.

So now I find it so hard to throw anything from the past away because it’s as if if I get rid of it the memory vanishes too.

I have a very similar story to you, my dad was also a minimalist (and abusive, but that's a different story). Everything was thrown away, Saturdays were dedicated to 'tidying up', even as a teen I wasn't allowed to see friends on Saturdays. We moved house so frequently that personal items were binned with every house move.

When I went to uni at 18, my parents moved to a new house where I had no bedroom so I had to either take my belongings with me or throw them. My hoarding spiralled and it took years for me to understand a) why I did it (because I felt I had no control over my life, in a nutshell) and b) how to control it.

I'm a lot better these days after years of therapy but will never be a tidy person and do keep things 'just in case'. That last part is also due to being a single mum with very little money. I totally agree I find it hard to throw things away due to memory attachment.

I hope you're doing better now. Therapy has helped me a lot.

Happiestathome · 25/02/2025 22:57

My hoarding is brought about from fear of
loss, due to things from my childhood. I’m not a collector and buy the minimum, but over the years, due to gifts, outgrowing things etc, I have an unmanageable amount of possessions. I am not able to get rid of things easily. I hate it.

AxolotlEars · 25/02/2025 23:01

Neurodiversity and/or trauma.

Unicorn34 · 25/02/2025 23:19

I've worked in Mental Health and there's a big difference between "hoarders" and "collectors".

Hoarders won't throw anything away - rubbish, newspapers, junk mail, empty bottles etc and generally live in filth/mess. These people have deep set mental health issues and can become so overwhelmed with the mess that they can't deal with it, so don't.

Collectors like buying stuff and keeping it - tons of books, crafting items, clothes, dolls etc and see them as collections. They can sometimes have anxiety around getting rid of things or have attachments to them, but are generally clean living, just messy.

This is my take on it anyway. I live with 2 collectors and it drives me crazy but I also understand that I can't just throw their stuff away or expect them to. Our house is very clean. I do wish I had a tidier house though.

want2return · 25/02/2025 23:31

PassingStranger · 25/02/2025 21:18

This programme is nothing to do with hoarding. It's just people sorting out their clutter...

I don't know about that, the family on tonight had 6000 items of clothing between 5 of them. The mum had 500 pairs of shoes!

JFDIYOLO · 26/02/2025 00:49

Hoarding is a recognised mental health condition often triggered by trauma.

It's the tip of the iceberg.

Underneath may be so much more:

Neurodivergence.

Bereavement and grief - sometimes even from the death of a pet.

Abuse survivor.

Other mental illnesses.

Relationship breakup.

Loss - I remember a woman exasperated by her hoarder mother. Felt like her mother was doing it deliberately to be controlling etc. Learned her mother had escaped with her own parents as a refugee with only a suitcase each - and these had been stolen on the way.

Chaotic family history where they'd never learned how to organise, clean and tidy because their parents couldn't or wouldn't themselves.

Guilt - anxiety about waste and sustainability, 'it might come in useful some day.'

Things just getting out of hand bit by bit - collections, collections of collections, things that might come in useful.

Sadness, loneliness, depression - the stuff can feel like security, familiarity, reassurance. If there's enough of it, it can become like a den. A fortification against outside dangers. Collecting it feels nice, comforting.

Shame. Once it gets out of hand it can spiral, becoming all too much and the hoarder has lost control but doesn't want anyone to know so feels they can't ask for help. And it spirals some more.

sageforthevibes · 26/02/2025 01:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2025 20:31

Genetic predisposition meets trauma.

It's pretty well documented.

I think this works the other way too. I'm very ordered and prone to anxiety. Whenever I'm struggling with something in life I start chucking things out! I go on mad decluttering binges and, being very minimal already, I don't have much to get rid of anyway!!

recipientofraspberries · 26/02/2025 01:30

FondantFancyFan · 25/02/2025 21:14

My mum and sister are hoarders now after a series of traumatic events, they never used to be. I struggle to vist the family home now because the clutter stresses me out. I am the opposite to them & need a clear, clutter free space to relax.

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I wouldn't imagine your mum and sister actually prefer having a cluttered house of hoarded items relaxing; they'd probably relax much better in a clear space, too. I only bring this up because there can be a persistent misconception that hoarders or people who struggle with mess and organising actually like or don't mind living that way.

Zaap · 26/02/2025 01:56

For myself at least it comes from being displaced. I had a very unstable childhood growing up and spent a large part of my teenage years into early adulthood either living in refuge or temporary accommodation where money was extremely tight, belongings were few and frequently damaged by damp/mould or stolen.

I used to massively hoard food and non perishable household items to ridiculous proportions and had a shopping addiction that spiralled hugely out of control until recent years which is now much more under control. I think for me hoarding was/is for comfort and a coping mechanism to deal with various losses I’ve experienced and trauma of growing up in the way that I did. I have to be extremely hard on myself not to be that way anymore and always be conscious of buying more than I need and it’s very difficult because for me it feels so soothing. It always made me feel like I was in control when I spent so long without it, to have a house with lots of stuff and money to be able to buy stuff for myself that no-one could take away from me.

YankSplaining · 26/02/2025 02:56

A few factors combined for my mom to become a hoarder. First of all, her parents never wanted to get rid of anything that could possibly be useful because they lived through the Great Depression. She’s very creative and sees a lot of potential in things. If she lived to be a thousand years old, she could do all the craft projects she has supplies for, but she’s in her mid-seventies and will never use the vast majority of her stuff.

My mother also has ADHD, so it’s hard for her to stay on task when it comes to getting rid of things. Because of the ADHD, she loses things and needs to buy new ones when she can’t find the old ones. That means even more stuff in the house.

Her parents both died in 2006, and she’s acknowledged that it’s hard to give their things away because that means confronting the fact that they’re truly gone. Additionally, my parents had a lot of fertility issues and I’m their only child. My mom knew I was probably going to be an only child, and she never wanted to give away anything.

NewsdeskJC · 26/02/2025 07:24

It's really hard. My dsil was supposedly the culprit in their house, but it was continued by dbil and nephews after her death. Interesting that autism is a factor as others have mentioned. It's the one problem for which there is no solution.

LolaLouise · 26/02/2025 07:30

Im not a hoarder, but i have a lot of "stuff". At 11 we moved across country and took virtually nothing with us. At 16 i was kicked out my my stepfather and he threw out all my belongings. 16-19 i was homeless and owned nothing. 31 i left my abusive husband and he wouldnt let me get anything from the house for me or my children. Now in my mid 40s everything i own is mine, and i work hard to pay for it all, and items are my childrens childhood memories I dont have anything from the first half of my life that holds memories or nostalgia, so i hang onto things now that do. I imagine hoarding is like that feeling, but much stronger and not needing a nostaligic emotional attachment.

Disturbia81 · 26/02/2025 07:32

The ones I know had troubled childhoods which then affected their adult relationships and so they hoard to replace what's missing in their lives and to surround themselves with love, safety and comfort. It's fascinating but very frustrating to be around.

Latenightreader · 26/02/2025 07:35

I'm not a hoarder but my house is currently very cluttered and messy. I downsized drastically last year due to moving areas and I am really struggling to get organised in a much smaller space. I have always struggled with tidiness but at the moment it is out of control and I don't know where to start. I think I need to pay one of those tidying experts to get me started..

whosaidtha · 26/02/2025 07:38

My mum is a hoarder and she also has a shopping addiction. Her house is full of boxes of stuff she's ordered and hasn't even opened.

HouseAshamed · 26/02/2025 07:44

@JFDIYOLO , Hoarding is a recognised mental health condition often triggered by trauma. doesn't help me. It's medicalising something that I could control.

It can be a mental health condition and probably is for many, but in my case, a 'kick up the backside' would be better than a diagnosis.

This thread is helping me and has made me aware that I need to do something.

Sharptonguedwoman · 26/02/2025 07:47

ohyayy · 25/02/2025 20:33

I’m a hoarder, although not to the extremes of television but given half the chance I would be if that makes sense.

Like most conditions there isn’t a single one cause. For me, though, a big problem was my minimalist dad. He was always throwing away things of mine that I valued. An example, I did my last GCSE exam and the next day my school tie and blazer, bag and exercise books had gone to the tip Hmm He wouldn’t tell you he was doing it, you’d just notice that it was missing.

Then when I was 18 he sold the house I’d grown up in and whoosh everything went. So I have nothing from being a child or teen - no trinkets or books or clothes or jewellery.

So now I find it so hard to throw anything from the past away because it’s as if if I get rid of it the memory vanishes too.

That is truly awful. I am so sorry. I'm more of a 'move it on' than a hoarder but people should have a right to choose.

Sharptonguedwoman · 26/02/2025 07:49

want2return · 25/02/2025 23:31

I don't know about that, the family on tonight had 6000 items of clothing between 5 of them. The mum had 500 pairs of shoes!

Edited

Agreed. There was serious trauma. Married too young, nasty husband, a baby, another unpleasant partner.......

Whatafustercluck · 26/02/2025 07:52

ASD can be a factor (which is sometimes either misdiagnosed as, or comorbid with, OCD and anxiety disorders). My 8yo dd is a hoarder (autism diagnosis pathway) so I've looked into strategies to help her before it sets in too much. In her case, she forms emotional attachments to things that remind her of occasions or people that have made her happy. She literally sees throwing these things away as throwing away her memories. Or else, she "doesn't want to hurt so-and-so's feelings" by throwing away something they've given her. A number of things bring her comfort. It's really hard. Her room is what I'd describe as organised chaos - stuff everywhere, but she knows where everything is and if you 'tidy up' when she's not around (and get rid of stuff) it's a major trigger for a meltdown.