Kids noise vs neighbours: AIBU to think that there is so much you can do when you have young children?

[karpouzi]

We have three kids, all under the age of four, and live in a period maisonette spread over the first and loft floor. Currently, our entire family sleeps in the loft. The eldest two share a bedroom, while the baby is still in our room. On the first floor, we have the kitchen and living area, as well as a double room, which is currently set up as a playroom. We’ve always had a strict rule that our kids are not allowed on the first floor before 8 a.m., unless they’re having breakfast in the kitchen.
However, our downstairs neighbor has been repeatedly complaining about the noise, especially on weekends, saying that it’s disturbing her sleep. She sends us long messages almost every week. We’ve explained that we have a double rug in the playroom, and that the kids are not allowed in that room before 8 a.m., even though they wake up around 6:30 a.m. We also arrange swimming lessons to be at 9am in the weekend so the kids are out of the house. Unfortunately, this is all we can do to minimize the noise. Now, we face a new challenge: the baby will soon need his own room. Our plan is to move him into the boys' room in the loft, which is fairly small. We also plan to get new beds for the eldest two and convert the playroom into a bedroom where the boys will also have space for their toys. The boys typically wake up between 6:30 and 7 a.m., and with this new setup, they will need to stay in their bedroom in the mornings. I’m really concerned that the complaints from our neighbor will escalate. What do other people do in situations like this? I feel I m getting fed and I will start ignoring her messages.

Note: When we renovated our kitchen we did add floor noise insulation but we don’t have the money to do any further renovations at this stage.

This is incredibly unreasonable. Has it not occurred to you to get carpet with an acoustic underlay?

The noise from even normal activity with floorboards is utterly horrendous. I used to hear my upstairs neighbour snoring in bed, weeing, flushing the loo, the kettle, his phone vibrating. Every conversation. Once he dropped some money on the floor and it sounded like the ceiling was coming in. I can only imagine the noise from 3 kids.

Regardless of the aesthetic you’ve got to get carpets. I’ve every sympathy with the neighbours and I can’t believe that you’ve not done this already TBH.

In many conversion flats it’s in the lease that hard floors are not allowed for precisely these reasons.

I live in a victorian terrace and as long as my neighbours are being quiet from about 11pm til 8am I dont think its any of my business.
Obviously the odd party might happen or some noise but kids being kids during the day is just life surely?(I dont mean constant screaming, door slamming, dogs barking 24/7 type of noises).

If you live in a terrace/semi you jave to accept a certain level of noise or move!
I work nightshifts and dont expect anybody to change their life for me. Daytime noise is totally understandable.

Speaking from an experience that has ruined my life and set my mental health back pretty badly OP, be firm in your right to the normal use of your home.

This dynamic seems to be the absolute most common for neighbour tensions - an older woman living alone with a family above.

It didn't matter what I did, it didn't matter that the kids were in school and then at activities or being actively taken out of the house to avoid her, then trundled out all weekend, eventually staying Friday - Monday with relatives because tensions escalated so much.

My neighbour clearly had mental health issues but the bottom line is, when someone is that bothered by noise, I don't see how it's ever going to de-escalate as they will just become more and more bothered over time, and then you will feel more and more stressed as the complaints escalate.

If it helps, my awful neighbour did report us for the noise she could hear from our flat, and as the situation made me so unwell I had several people involved in a professional capacity, and not one of them sided with her in saying that the noise from our household is unreasonable. So if she tries to threaten you with action, rest assured that absolutely nobody will be interested in noise from children existing in their own home.

I don't think you need to do anything more.

It sounds like your kids are barely at home as it is, neighbour can get over it frankly.

I wouldn't be constantly shushing my kids in their own home, obviously I wouldn't let them run around at 5am, but they should be able to play in their own home at normal times.

I also wouldn't allocate bedrooms any differently because of the neighbour - that's giving her an unacceptable amount of control over your lives IMO

If she was this noise sensitive, she should have arranged to view the flat at a time when you were home to assess the noise for herself

Only on MN will you find people who think the very young children should be punished every time the neighbour complains, or that the OP and her partner should sleep in bunkbeds until they move in a few years time! Madness!!!
I do however, agree with the pps who say you absolutely should put decent underlay and carpets on the lower floor of your maisonette though.
I'm end of terrace and next door is two adults and one young child. They don't have carpet on their stairs and it sounds like a herd of elephants sometimes. They probably don't even realise.
So I'd say, either put the carpeting down, or squeeze a small double bed in the playroom and store your clothes upstairs.
Or move sooner rather than later.

Carpets aren't always great around kids, no, but there's no doubt they make life more bearable for downstairs neighbours. If it was me, I'd certain consider making that concession to make my neighbour's life (and therefore mine) less challenging. Maybe it is just me but I prefer to get on with my neighbours and tbh if I was woken up at 8am every day by what sounded like a herd of elephants on my ceiling, I'd be less than thrilled!

Yes exactly, you don’t even need the carpets to be really expensive as long as the underlay is acoustic and they are reasonably thick. Put them down, rug or playmat over the top, then get them shampooed regularly or replaced when you move.

Some of these responses are ridiculous - the children aren't there pretty much all week and have been set boundaries for the weekends. You can't live creeping around all day - they are children and should be able to enjoy their home. She gets a pretty quiet week so ought to be able to put up with some noise at the weekend. it is only the same as kids screaming in the garden and playing - it is just family life! And please stop saying move into the downstairs room themselves as the OP has clearly stated there isn't room!!!

The neighbour could just wear ear plugs for the grand total of about 3 hours a week she can hear her neighbours. "Just carpet the flat" will cost a fortune. They've got 3 kids in a flat with rugs and floorboards. Doesn't sound like they've got masses of disposable income tbf. I'm in a detached house and I hear noise. Dogs, cars, kids, tools. Unless your the only house for miles your gonna hear other people

Er, yes she can if it’s in excess of normal noise levels. And would you be prepared to wear earplugs in your own home ? No? Thought not.

They would only need to carpet the middle floor. And having experienced living beneath someone with floorboards there is no way earplugs would make enough of a difference- plus if they did you wouldn’t be able to hear your phone or the doorbell going.

Yes and also it's not realistic to carpet their kitchen and dining area - with kids especially,. that's just going to get grim quite quickly.

I guess they could carpet the playroom only but would that satisfy the neighbour? Probably not, she sounds like she has got very worked up over it.

I would only consider any carpet if the neighbour paid

Shocked by this! Children should not be punished for being and playing in their own house. Of course do not allow screaming and really loud noises, but it seems like this neighbour is annoyed at every day noise. The OP is already imposing a fairly strict rule (not to use the 1st floor for the first 1h30 every morning + getting out of the hosie early when they can) to accommodate the neighbour. The neighbour should suck it up and use ear plugs and white noise.

Cheapest fix for the playroom is packs of those coloured foam locking tiles under the rugs, it will help

Would you wear ear plugs in your own home to accommodate a neighbour who could reasonably carpet her flat as a buffer to the noise but who selfishly chooses not to? Thought not.

Have you ever lived in a flat ? Massive difference between the noise from people living above you and the noise from a detached house.

Cheapest fix would be blocking the neighbours number 😂

Oh come off it.

It sounds like OP is being as considerate as it is possible to be with 3 under 4.

I'd keep baby in your room as long as possible though, OP. Hopefully in a year or so your DC will be more able to follow instructions and also maybe wake later.

Yeah to be totally honest, the neighbour is pretty fortunate with the OP. I wouldn't restrict my kids from going downstairs till 8.

I'm not neurotic about noise but if I were I really think that ear plugs are a very reasonable accommodation

The only thing I would say OP is I didn't spot that you had wooden floors. I'd do anything to change that if I were you, as it's honestly not worth the stress of knowing that your neighbour will be experiencing objectively really loud noise with your kids who are the source.

It's not good for children's development or self esteem to constantly be told to be quiet in their own home. They need to be able to play and express themselves and kids are just not very quiet things, especially when they are together.

What I would do personally (again I am scarred by my own experiences so that does colour my opinion) is do what I can to reconfigure the home so that your kid's main living space is upstairs. I would consider getting something like the Ikea Hemnes daybed for the downstairs room and have that as your room. And I'd lay down carpet with good underlay on the lower floor of your place.

Please also ensure that children are praised and get treats when they are quiet. Good actions should also have consequences.

Only on Mumsnet would earplugs be considered unreasonable but an adult couple sleeping in bunk beds be seriously proposed

Ffs they're not dogs! They are allowed to be kids and play in their own house. That isn't bad behaviour.

Think again.