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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws always expect DH to pay for everything...

53 replies

Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:52

For context, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and DH suggested a while back to his parents that maybe we could go out for a brunch together nearer the day. No where fancy and just in their local town. They seemed fine with it. Anyway, when he spoke to his Mum yesterday, she said “we don’t have to go out for brunch as it will cost you a lot for all of us and I’m sure you have lots on already for her birthday so save your money”. DH was a bit miffed at this point as once again she has presumed that he would be paying for everyone, so he just said, “yeah you’re right, we will pop over instead to yours in the morning”. Then she gets defensive and moaned at him that we never see them and it would be nice to see them more and do things together.

Obviously, DH would have paid for us two and DSD, but he doesn’t see why they can’t pay for themselves.

Does anyone else agree that we aren’t being unreasonable here?

For back ground, DH has a strained relationship anyway with his parents that dates back to his childhood for various reasons, but the reason we don’t see them much is this expectation that he will always pay for them whatever we do. When there are 5 of us to pay for, things start to really get expensive.They also never invite as round so the only times we tend to see them is when we invite them to ours for a Sunday roast or BBQ. We have hosted Christmas numerous times, but they never contribute to that either.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 25/02/2025 09:53

If he invited them out for his partners' birthday I don't think it's unreasonable to think he is paying. If there is previous then that's a different story.

RhiWrites · 25/02/2025 09:54

@ACynicalDad But he didn’t! They suggested it!

Edited to add: ignore this. I got it wrong! He did suggest it. But all the same, that they never pay for themselves is cheeky!

BeaAndBen · 25/02/2025 09:54

If he suggested going out to brunch together to celebrate your birthday, I would assume he was paying. He’s basically invited them to a birthday celebration.

2chocolateoranges · 25/02/2025 09:54

All very bizarre, my mum jumps to pay for meals out, lunch out or even a coffee and cake.

she rarely lets me pay, I just thought that was the norm from parents.

dh and I always pay when we take our adult children out for dinner or lunch.

RhiWrites · 25/02/2025 09:55

Oh actually I misread. He did suggest it. But OP says they never pay. That’s a bigger problem.

girlwhowearsglasses · 25/02/2025 09:55

Um, have you asked them to pay?

ZekeZeke · 25/02/2025 09:56

Your DH suggested you all go out, presumption is your DH will pay.

CuteEasterBunny · 25/02/2025 09:57

I’ll never understand people who think they can go for a meal and have it paid for.

Next time word it differently. We’re going for a meal if you’d like to join us. Here’s the menu if you’d like to see what the food and cost is like.

In my family you could just say I’m not paying for all of you.

AnnaMagnani · 25/02/2025 09:58

Do you really want to go out with your DH's parents as a birthday celebration?

Especially as it sounds as if neither you or DH actually like them that much?

Original poster
Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:59

ZekeZeke · 25/02/2025 09:56

Your DH suggested you all go out, presumption is your DH will pay.

It's interesting hear this take on it...
I mean yes I get your point but the trouble is his Mum especially will moan if we don't see them enough and do things together, but then also never suggests doing anything herself with us...so she will wait for my DH to suggest doing something, like he has done above, but yet always expects for him to pay for all 5 of us every time. We can't afford to do that!

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 25/02/2025 10:00

I think if he invited them out for your birthday they were probably reasonable to expect he would pay so on this occasion I can see their point. On other occasions which are not birthdays, I don't see why he would have to cover everything. If they have form for being cheeky with payment then he/you can make it clear that everybody is paying for themselves.

AnnaMagnani · 25/02/2025 10:05

Has your DH ever had a conversation with his mum that says 'Mum, I'd love to see you more often too but with young kids, life is very expensive right now and we can't afford meetups where we go out and I have to pay for everyone'

WhatTheKey · 25/02/2025 10:12

I agree with pp that an invitation to a meal means that it will be paid for.
I think he just has to be honest. "We love seeing you and we'd like to see you more often, but it's very expensive to pay for everyone and we just can't stretch to it. I'm not bringing this up to be awkward, but it would be a shame for us to see you less just because of awkwardness about money. Shall we just pay for our own meals going forward?"

Hoppinggreen · 25/02/2025 10:14

If he invited them then its not a ridulous idea that he would pay.

Pinkl · 25/02/2025 10:14

Instance I don’t think it’s unreasonable that they thought he might pay as it’s a birthday celebration. Not saying he should be just can see the thinking , however why do they assume this for other outings?

Hoppinggreen · 25/02/2025 10:15

More importantly why would he invite people he isn't close to out for your birthday? Were you ok with this?

Chonk · 25/02/2025 10:15

WhatTheKey · 25/02/2025 10:12

I agree with pp that an invitation to a meal means that it will be paid for.
I think he just has to be honest. "We love seeing you and we'd like to see you more often, but it's very expensive to pay for everyone and we just can't stretch to it. I'm not bringing this up to be awkward, but it would be a shame for us to see you less just because of awkwardness about money. Shall we just pay for our own meals going forward?"

This is perfect.

NotSayingImBatman · 25/02/2025 10:16

If I was invited to someone’s birthday meal it would literally never occur to me that they would pay for it unless it was at their house and even then I’d bring a bottle/ask if I could bring nibbles or dessert.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 25/02/2025 10:17

@Linxoxo sorry but what makes your dh think that you want to spend your birthday with his parents??? that is weird, if you ask me!!

toadinthebucket · 25/02/2025 10:23

What planet do all these PPs live on where inviting people out means you pay? That means that unless you're loaded you can never suggest to friends and family that you go out to eat as you'd have a massive bill to pay! Back in the real world, I invite people out to dinner and they invite me, but unless anyone says "my treat"/"it's on me", the expectation is that we split the bill.

Libertysparkle · 25/02/2025 10:24

My husbands parents (not together) always expect to be paid for. His Mum offers to pay for hers though. The Dad never does.

theteachesofleeches · 25/02/2025 10:25

I would also have assumed he was paying if he invited me to to your bday brunch - but why the hell are you considering it when you don't even like them. MN is so batshit to me 😂

BrownieBlondie01 · 25/02/2025 10:38

I think it's so weird that people expect to be paid for when they're invited to a birthday celebration?? Both the parents in question and people commenting here! Is this an old-fashioned thing, because I am mid-30s and have never had this expectation and neither have any of my family or friends? The only time I'd think it was a reasonable expectation is for a child's birthday party!

I have never expected to be paid for when attending someone's birthday unless it's specifically been stated - ie "my treat" or "I've got a voucher for afternoon tea for 2 for my birthday, would love for you to join me" etc etc.

That said OP, I do think your husband missed a trick when his mum text, he should have responded with "Well I wasn't actually planning to pay for you and dad as well!😂 That's OK though, if you'd rather not go we're happy to come to you for a couple of hours".

BrownieBlondie01 · 25/02/2025 10:43

toadinthebucket · 25/02/2025 10:23

What planet do all these PPs live on where inviting people out means you pay? That means that unless you're loaded you can never suggest to friends and family that you go out to eat as you'd have a massive bill to pay! Back in the real world, I invite people out to dinner and they invite me, but unless anyone says "my treat"/"it's on me", the expectation is that we split the bill.

100% agree.

Does everyone here always pay when they go out to eat with a friend?? Or do you have to specify it when making the plans!?

In my world, an invite out is an invite to join someone but at your own expense unless explicitly specified? On the odd occasion one of us might jump in and get the whole thing as a treat, but as standard things would be split and that would be the general assumption from literally everyone I know.

Nameftgigb · 25/02/2025 10:44

NotSayingImBatman · 25/02/2025 10:16

If I was invited to someone’s birthday meal it would literally never occur to me that they would pay for it unless it was at their house and even then I’d bring a bottle/ask if I could bring nibbles or dessert.

This. Another example of why mn is not indicative of normal life. I refuse to believe that in almost all situations, if someone was told ‘oh it’s x’s birthday on Friday, we’re going on for a meal if you want to join’, absolutely no fucking way would a normal person assume that someone else would be footing the entire bill? And while I don’t think this is usual anymore, it used to be that not only did you pay for yourself, the birthday persons bill would be split between the guests as their treat?

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