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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws always expect DH to pay for everything...

53 replies

Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:52

For context, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and DH suggested a while back to his parents that maybe we could go out for a brunch together nearer the day. No where fancy and just in their local town. They seemed fine with it. Anyway, when he spoke to his Mum yesterday, she said “we don’t have to go out for brunch as it will cost you a lot for all of us and I’m sure you have lots on already for her birthday so save your money”. DH was a bit miffed at this point as once again she has presumed that he would be paying for everyone, so he just said, “yeah you’re right, we will pop over instead to yours in the morning”. Then she gets defensive and moaned at him that we never see them and it would be nice to see them more and do things together.

Obviously, DH would have paid for us two and DSD, but he doesn’t see why they can’t pay for themselves.

Does anyone else agree that we aren’t being unreasonable here?

For back ground, DH has a strained relationship anyway with his parents that dates back to his childhood for various reasons, but the reason we don’t see them much is this expectation that he will always pay for them whatever we do. When there are 5 of us to pay for, things start to really get expensive.They also never invite as round so the only times we tend to see them is when we invite them to ours for a Sunday roast or BBQ. We have hosted Christmas numerous times, but they never contribute to that either.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 25/02/2025 10:45

Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:59

It's interesting hear this take on it...
I mean yes I get your point but the trouble is his Mum especially will moan if we don't see them enough and do things together, but then also never suggests doing anything herself with us...so she will wait for my DH to suggest doing something, like he has done above, but yet always expects for him to pay for all 5 of us every time. We can't afford to do that!

Show quote history

I would never expect my adult children to pay for me. If we go out for their birthdays, I will always pay my own share and the share for the child whose birthday it is.

What is their financial situation? Are they well off? Their expectation that your DH will always pay for them would piss me off and I would probably see less of them as a result.

BeaAndBen · 25/02/2025 14:36

I refuse to believe that in almost all situations, if someone was told ‘oh it’s x’s birthday on Friday, we’re going on for a meal if you want to join’, absolutely no fucking way would a normal person assume that someone else would be footing the entire bill?

In that situation, not at all. That’s a “we’re going out, want to join us?” which is clear and involves no suggestion of being their guest.

In the situation where you are only inviting two people and it’s “please come to brunch on Sunday with X and me,” I would expect, as the person doing the inviting, to pay. Similarly, I’d pay if I said “shall we pick you up and take you to lunch for X’s birthday?”

That’s not “join in with our celebration if you fancy”, it’s an invitation to a guest.

It’s about how it was asked, and what sort of occasion.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 25/02/2025 14:39

Next time just say to the waiter ... could we have seperate bills please X

skippy67 · 25/02/2025 15:16

Awful MIL suggesting her son should save his money. Really bitchy of her...🙄

MarcieLou · 25/02/2025 15:19

My parents….

If we invite them out to celebrate their birthday….we pay.
If they invite us out to celebrate one of our birthdays…we pay.

Well off…Just tight!

MissyB1 · 25/02/2025 15:21

My in laws have alway been the same, Fil is very tight fisted anyway! And he always insists we are rolling in money - bloody hell if only!!

It's cheeky fuckery that's what it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/02/2025 16:01

toadinthebucket · 25/02/2025 10:23

What planet do all these PPs live on where inviting people out means you pay? That means that unless you're loaded you can never suggest to friends and family that you go out to eat as you'd have a massive bill to pay! Back in the real world, I invite people out to dinner and they invite me, but unless anyone says "my treat"/"it's on me", the expectation is that we split the bill.

The same planet as everybody else who understands what an invitation is. If you invite/host then you pay. It's not an alien concept.

If you suggest meeting up randomly for whatever reason and you aren't going to pay then you make it clear that everyone's paying for themselves. Not difficult - and the more that this is commonplace in your circle, the less likely confusion.

Nobody's stopping anybody from going out with friends, family, whomever, but don't pretend to be hosting if you're not going to be paying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/02/2025 16:02

Nameftgigb · 25/02/2025 10:44

This. Another example of why mn is not indicative of normal life. I refuse to believe that in almost all situations, if someone was told ‘oh it’s x’s birthday on Friday, we’re going on for a meal if you want to join’, absolutely no fucking way would a normal person assume that someone else would be footing the entire bill? And while I don’t think this is usual anymore, it used to be that not only did you pay for yourself, the birthday persons bill would be split between the guests as their treat?

Show quote history

That's not an invitation so no, you wouldn't be expected to pay for everyone. It's clear enough so perfect.

MissDoubleU · 25/02/2025 16:39

Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:59

It's interesting hear this take on it...
I mean yes I get your point but the trouble is his Mum especially will moan if we don't see them enough and do things together, but then also never suggests doing anything herself with us...so she will wait for my DH to suggest doing something, like he has done above, but yet always expects for him to pay for all 5 of us every time. We can't afford to do that!

Show quote history

He needs to tell her just that!
“I would love to do more outings with you DM, but paying for 5 is a lot to expect of me. If we arrange something together, that suits us all, why can’t you and DD pay for yourself and I will cover myself, OP and DC. That way there’s no expectation or huge expense, it seems fair, and we get to make memories outside of home visits.”

Remember, SHE is the one who suggest it be cancelled because the cost is a lot on just him. Thats the perfect opportunity for him to reply “well why don’t you and DD pay for your own brunch, that way we can still go out?”

BMW6 · 25/02/2025 16:51

Why can't he just be Frank with them?

"Would love it if we could all go out for a meal together to celebrate.........but we can't afford to pay for everyone's meals. Do you want to join us and pay your own meals?"

Cynic17 · 25/02/2025 17:03

I don't understand why the OP has to go out with her in laws on her own birthday, tbh!

Blueblell · 25/02/2025 19:22

I think she was expecting him to say it’s no problem I can afford to treat you or something along those lines.

He missed an opportunity to say well it is manageable if we split the bill mum and it would be lovely to all have lunch together.

pikkumyy77 · 25/02/2025 19:29

She doesn’t think money should be spent treating OP. That is why she urged DH not to spend more.

kiwiane · 25/02/2025 19:32

You really don’t have to see people you don’t like especially when it’s your birthday!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 25/02/2025 20:02

ACynicalDad · 25/02/2025 09:53

If he invited them out for his partners' birthday I don't think it's unreasonable to think he is paying. If there is previous then that's a different story.

Agreed

liquoricetorpedoes · 25/02/2025 20:13

This is interesting- my in laws expect us to pay of we go out together. My Mum would always offer to at least split and often to pay for us all/ split in half.
Neither have very much money but my Mum likes eating out and does it a lot whereas my in laws rarely eat out and would never prioritise it.
Thankfully we are now in a position to be able to treat everyone but that’s only in the last few years.

Mary46 · 25/02/2025 20:23

My mam is mean would sit there and expect everyone else to pay. For my 50th she made big deal about wine prices. It took the good out of it😑

PrettyPickle · 17/04/2025 23:03

I have the same problems with inlaws and its getting out of hand. DH has sister, who to be fair is a nice woman and has had a troublesome life but every time we invite the widowed FIL out for a meal, she invites herself along with her adult kids and expects us to pay...and if we don't FIL, ends up paying even if its his birthday. Last time she even invited others along at our expense.....its just infuriating. The charitable part of me thinks that maybe its because she is off long term sick and we both work, but we aren't now and its still expected. Its really difficult to bring up without causing a scene and one which we will no doubt end up being in the wrong.

You have my sympathy, its tough, personally I would invite FIL and if SIL invites herself along I would say, something like, "the more the merrier if you are paying for yourselves" but DH says she can be problematic and doesn't want to do it!

AprilShowers25 · 17/04/2025 23:08

He could have just said, yes it would cost a lot you’re right, do you want to pay for yourselves or should we plan something else?

MarcieLou · 17/04/2025 23:09

My parents do this (above) and thinking further…

In fact, if it is their birthday, I take them out and pay.
If it is my birthday, I take them out and pay…

And thinking even further, if it is my birthday and I take my adult children out…i pay and if it is their birthday, I pay then too….🤭

Purpleturtle43 · 18/04/2025 05:53

Linxoxo · 25/02/2025 09:52

For context, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and DH suggested a while back to his parents that maybe we could go out for a brunch together nearer the day. No where fancy and just in their local town. They seemed fine with it. Anyway, when he spoke to his Mum yesterday, she said “we don’t have to go out for brunch as it will cost you a lot for all of us and I’m sure you have lots on already for her birthday so save your money”. DH was a bit miffed at this point as once again she has presumed that he would be paying for everyone, so he just said, “yeah you’re right, we will pop over instead to yours in the morning”. Then she gets defensive and moaned at him that we never see them and it would be nice to see them more and do things together.

Obviously, DH would have paid for us two and DSD, but he doesn’t see why they can’t pay for themselves.

Does anyone else agree that we aren’t being unreasonable here?

For back ground, DH has a strained relationship anyway with his parents that dates back to his childhood for various reasons, but the reason we don’t see them much is this expectation that he will always pay for them whatever we do. When there are 5 of us to pay for, things start to really get expensive.They also never invite as round so the only times we tend to see them is when we invite them to ours for a Sunday roast or BBQ. We have hosted Christmas numerous times, but they never contribute to that either.

On this occasion I don't think it's unreasonable that they would expect him to pay if it's your birthday celebration. However, if it's a problem in general I would only do things with them that are free to avoid the problem.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 18/04/2025 06:00

I go out for family meals all the time. I have done so in both NZ and the UK. Everyone has always paid for their own meal, even on birthdays unless someone spontaneously at the table says "this one is on me".

The expectation that others will pay simply because they suggested a get together is a surefire way to make relationships strained, especially in a COL crisis.

hattie43 · 18/04/2025 07:42

We’ve always paid for the birthday person but any other meal out we’ve paid for ourselves . I think your OH has to be clear on either it’s x birthday brunch and I’d like to treat you or we are coming over sat let’s do dinner but we pay for our own as x isn’t drinking or whatever . Be clear at invite how the meal will be paid for . I do sympathise with your OH as I have a mother who since divorcing has gone from her husband paying for everything to me paying but now I’ve said the above . I’ll treat you at birthday but not generally as I was feeling taken advantage of .

onceuponarainbow12 · 18/04/2025 07:49

In my family and to be fair my in laws too, it's always the older generation that pay for things. Most that will be accepted is 50/50 if we really push. They'd never let us or expect us to pay for them!

Daisy12Maisie · 18/04/2025 07:53

He needs to say I haven’t got the money to keep meeting up in cafes/ restaurants. Could you meet up for walks or something like that?

In my family my mum generally pays for her adult children and I will always pay for mine and any future partners/ kids because that’s the way we do things.