Am I being selfish

[Marie061976]

Me (51F) and partner (57M) like different types of music. He likes a more diverse range than me. Some concert tickets are going on sale on Friday and he really wants to go to the point he said it's on his bucket list. The only issue is that the only dates he can do are all abroad and will mean flights and accommodation totalling close to £1000 for the 2 of us including the tickets. It isn't music i even like or enjoy so I'm totally not enthused about going. I really don't want to spend £1000 on something I don't want to do. He will expect me to plan and book the flights and accommodation and I can't hide that I really just don't want you go. He said I'm being selfish. Please be honest am i?

Obviously arranging it and booking it are down to him. You are not his travel agent.

Where is it? A decent city? If it’s a bucket list event for him, I’d go for the weekend but not go to the concert and spend the evening sightseeing if it’s an interesting destination.

DH has done this for me for things I’ve been dead keen to go to and he wasn’t interested in. We had lovely weekends away together but one evening I was at my thing and he was at the cinema or sightseeing.

I'm flabbergasted that:
He wants you to accompany him somewhere he wants to go and you don't.
He wants you to give up annual leave.
He wants you to plan it.
He wants you to book it.
He wants you to pay for it.
And he calls YOU selfish.

What kind, generous, thoughtful things does he do for you?

Is it somewhere you'd like to visit anyway?

Would he do the same for you if it was somewhere he didn't want to go that you really did, for a hobby of yours he had no interest in?

I missed that he called you selfish! Thats awful. Like a teen who calls someone a crap mum because they're not buying them £300 trainers. Why does he feel so entitled to your money, your time and your effort?

I would probably offer to buy 1 concert ticket as long as he payed me back.

The rest of it he can book and pay for himself.

If he won't go alone then that's on him, not you.

He has a cheek calling you selfish when he wants you to pay for, and book, and take time off work for an event you don't even want to go to.

So he’s a pathetic immature manchild who is guilt tripping you into paying for an expensive trip because he wants it and he says so and he’ll sulk if you don’t?

Fuuuuck. No. He needs to save up for things like this like a big boy. You’re not his mummy, are you?

Don't be such a doormat @Marie061976

Then sadly he can't go. Also no to you doing all the planning, you're not his mother.

So he can't afford it? If that's the case he shouldn't be going

I think there are a few issues here. Your situation seems to be one of give and take, and compromise. It's less clear in the OP's post.

I think for the basic question of doing something you don't particularly enjoy because your partner enjoys it, then it's a good thing to do (within reason, assuming no harm or trauma is caused to the person making the compromise). But it cuts both ways - if one person always does what the other enjoys but it's not reciprocated, then it becomes unfair. If the OP's partner never does things she enjoys but he isn't keen on, then I think she'd be justified in refusing fhis one.

Having to pay for and organise something she isn't keen to do adds another layer to fo this. It makes it a bigger ask. He's not just asking her to tag along for company

Well then he can’t go can he?

I wouldn’t pay £500 (and loan him £500) and do all the planning for something I didn’t like. I might consider it for a big birthday gift, but maybe let him go to the gig alone. Doesn’t he have any friends?

I would say ‘Let’s comprise darling! You book it, you pay and I’ll come. I’m not sorting a trip I don’t want to go on. You can!’

Are you the only person in his life?

Why can’t he manage any of the UK dates? Can’t he move other stuff around to save money, so that he can actually do one of the UK dates? I’m sure that when you make it clear you won’t be shelling out for, booking, or accompanying him on an overseas trip you have no desire to go on, he’ll figure something out.

Also, my dad is 82, had a manual job all his life, and only got his first PC after he retired, but is perfectly capable of booking things and doing online banking etc. I’m sure your DH will manage.

I’d do it. My husband does stuff with me all the time that’s not his thing (so I don’t have to go on my own). It’s give and take.

I think this is entirely fair

This.

Why be a doormat to such a person?

'Nah sorry, I'm not interested but why don't you go on your own or go with a friend?'

No is a full sentence.

Why on earth can a grown adult not go alone? That's pathetic. If he really wants to do this, that's how it will have to be done.

I would go on the condition he has to come with you to do something you want to do that he doesn't that costs a similar amount.

You’re not his travel agent or his mother. He can book it himself.

If you don’t want to spend your own money on going, tell him this. If he wants to pay for you, go. If he doesn’t he can either go alone or with a friend.

Oh come on OP, you are a complete mug if you do this - pay for both of you (he can't afford it without you) and do all the organising (he's too lazy) for something you have no interest in.

He's treating you like his own personal ATM and PA.

Tell him to get stuffed!

If he wants to go he needs to book it and pay for it. However, I would accompany my DP to something like this if he was keen, even if I wasn’t.

It is 'give and take' when it's reciprocal. Not when OP is being asked to pay for both of them and do all the organising.

It's not unusual to travel to gigs and that sounds like a reasonable couple of days away. But he should 100% take care of arrangements. Very odd that you're expecting to do it. Just agree and let him carry on.

A concert is only a couple of hours. I am sure you can find something you’ll enjoy formyiurwel for you are going for a weekend. Also if you have been together for 17years, I don’t think his money and your money are a thing surely? It’s a joint thing no?