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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being selfish

77 replies

Marie061976 · 24/02/2025 23:01

Me (51F) and partner (57M) like different types of music. He likes a more diverse range than me. Some concert tickets are going on sale on Friday and he really wants to go to the point he said it's on his bucket list. The only issue is that the only dates he can do are all abroad and will mean flights and accommodation totalling close to £1000 for the 2 of us including the tickets. It isn't music i even like or enjoy so I'm totally not enthused about going. I really don't want to spend £1000 on something I don't want to do. He will expect me to plan and book the flights and accommodation and I can't hide that I really just don't want you go. He said I'm being selfish. Please be honest am i?

OP posts:
RamsestheDamned · 24/02/2025 23:47

I’m really big on gigs for the bands I love but always arrange to go with a friend who loves them too and is happy to pay their way and organise with me. I've done gigs abroad that way too. Or I'd just go alone.
You're not being selfish, that's way too expensive and tbh being made to attend a gig squished alongside strangers when it's music you don't even like... massive nope.

Maitri108 · 25/02/2025 00:27

I'd love a PA.

RawBloomers · 25/02/2025 00:47

Forget that fact you don't like the band - why are you with someone 6 years older than you who expects you to be able to front him for a weekend away and calls you selfish for not wanting to?

Why doesn't he have enough money in his bank account? What else does he expect from you because he sin't able to afford it himself? He's nearly 60 but doesn't have £1000 in accessible savings. That's not a great look. What's your life going to look like when he retires? Is he going to expect you to pay for everything?

LaineyCee · 25/02/2025 00:54

You’re being used! As a banker and as a PA. And if he wanted to go that badly, he would reorganise his schedule so that he could make a UK date.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/02/2025 03:02

Marie061976 · 24/02/2025 23:08

Because I know he hast got enough in his bank at the moment 🙈

Can you rely on him to pay for things for you when you are short of cash? If you have that sort of reciprocal arrangement and he is unlikely to get another opportunity to see this band, then I think I would go on the condition you both do something else while you are in that city that you will really enjoy, whether he is keen on it or not.

This would definitely be the time to tell him he needs to step up and start sharing the responsibility or booking gigs and trips etc.

whynot2025 · 25/02/2025 03:08

Marie061976 · 24/02/2025 23:08

Because I know he hast got enough in his bank at the moment 🙈

So he's a cocklodger?

Pippa12 · 25/02/2025 03:09

I think I probably would go if my DH wanted to and we could make a weekend of it. The concert realistically is a few hours. I would tolerate it if we were going away for the weekend together. My DH puts up with lots of museums and history sightseeing for me, and i humour his interests. Is it equal in your relationship in that respect?

However, my DH would actively help to book and plan the trip and we have joint finances- I certainly wouldn’t be expected to fund the trip.

Ponderingwindow · 25/02/2025 03:28

If he can’t afford the concert and the travel then this is a non-issue. It just doesn’t happen.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2025 03:30

"I have been thinking, you're right I am being selfish. So you book it and let me know the dates to book off and the flight times etc and I will be ready to go!"

Keep to the line that if he wants to go he has to book and organise it.

Trip will not happen, guaranteed.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/02/2025 04:01

The audacity of that man - calling YOU selfish?

Because you don't want to spend £1000 of YOUR money, and spend YOUR time organising and booking flights, accommodation & tickets, on his behalf because at almost 60yrs old, he is incapable?

All for a band you're not even fussed on?

For the love of god woman, don't be bowing down to this man anymore.

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2025 05:11

Tell him if he wants to go then he can book it, and he can buy the tickets- you're not an atm or his secretary

Original poster
Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 07:13

Yes i think you are correct with the bigger issues comment

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 07:17

Thank you and yes he would pay me back when he gets busier later in the years and yes I think this is the perfect time for me to step back from organizing everything for him that requires use of the internet. He just isn't confident as has always done manual jobs but he's OK scrolling Instagram!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 07:19

No 🤣 he's self employed and he's always very quiet this time of year

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 07:24

It would be a long weekend x

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arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2025 07:28

No op, no you're not selfish.

What you are is a people pleaser who is giving far far more in this relationship than you're getting back.

No, I'm not paying for it.
No, I'm not organising it.
No, I'm not going, I don't want to.
No, that doesn't make me selfish.

LoveSandbanks · 25/02/2025 07:41

So there’s a band on his bucket list but the only dates he can make of their tour are abroad and he doesn’t have the money right now.

This is not a you problem, this is his problem.

SwanOfThoseThings · 25/02/2025 08:11

Why can't he go by himself?

HamSpray · 25/02/2025 08:14

Ponderingwindow · 25/02/2025 03:28

If he can’t afford the concert and the travel then this is a non-issue. It just doesn’t happen.

Yes, this.

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2025 08:17

Marie061976 · 24/02/2025 23:08

Because I know he hast got enough in his bank at the moment 🙈

He doesn't get to go then, does he?

If he can't afford it and expects you to cover it and arrange it when you don't even want to go then...

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2025 08:18

Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 07:19

No 🤣 he's self employed and he's always very quiet this time of year

So why can he only make the abroad dates?

TeenLifeMum · 25/02/2025 08:21

I’m so glad my dh doesn’t think like this. He organised a weekend away to see lady gaga for me. He loved it because he got to spend time with me and see me enjoying myself. Similarly I’ve travelled with dh to USA and included a baseball game - not something I’m very interested in without dh but he loves it so I enjoyed seeing him getting a treat he loved. If you love someone, seeing them happy is enjoyable surely?

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2025 08:23

TeenLifeMum

I guess it depends how it's presented and how reciprocal it is.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 25/02/2025 08:26

We've both "endured" each other's favourite music on trips abroad which has meant some great trips away.

Where is it that you don't want to go to?

In your case, I'd say once he gets the ticket (which I'm guessing he won't) then you'll sort out the rest.

Original poster
Marie061976 · 25/02/2025 09:55

Good point! He won't go alone though x

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