To ask how you split your household finances?

[FlipFlopFairy]

My husband and I have separate bank accounts but split the outgoings to allow us to have the same ‘spends’ each month. I know that sounds fair, but what I challenge is what is classed as household outgoings.

For transparency, he earns about 2.5 times my salary, and his bonuses pay for holidays.

I suppose fixed outgoings would be a better phrase than household outgoings. Included in his fixed outgoings is payments for his 2 cars. I have a company car, so my car payments are taken from my gross salary.

Because he has included both cars in his outgoings, it means less ‘spends’ for me, and it feels like I’m helping to fund his cars, when I’m funding my own already.

On top of this, my outgoings include responsibility for variables, such as food and shoes and clothes for the children, so some months I have less ‘spends’ than others. It just feels quite imbalanced.

When I’ve raised this, he just cannot seem to see my point of view. He only sees that his total outgoings from his bank account far exceed mine, and not that his cars (at the very least, the second car) are more of a personal expense, in the same way mine is.

AIBU to think that our expenses need to be reworked to be more fair?

So for argument's sake if your DP earns £100k and contributes 80% of his income it leaves him with £20k a year to spend on himself, and if you earn £10k a year and contribute 80% of your income that leaves you with £2k to spend on yourself a year. And you don't see anything wrong with that? You don't see anything wrong with a married couple having potentially vastly different levels of disposable income? So he could be dressed head to toe in designer clothes and have expensive hobbies while she is shopping in Primark and can't afford even a decent haircut or a new pair of glasses etc.?

God why do people even bother getting married if they approach things like this?

Here's where I'd go back to on the car... spending that comes out of the joint account is a joint decision and for the family. If you didn't decide on getting a third car or a budget for it together and you don't have equal say in whether it's kept or sold to use the funds for something else for the family then it's probably not a joint expense.

We separate money proportionally , I earn 2.5 x what my husband earns so I pay most household expenses he pays for big shopping , we both keep equivalent money left over so we both have spending money money . Any big expenses we discuss prior and decide together .

I suspect what they actually meant was each contributing a different %. So the £100k a year earner earns 10 x more than the £10k earner, therefore contributes 10 x more

My original point precisely. It is absolutely a personal car, therefore a personal expense. It’s absolutely not a family car, as it can’t even fit us all in it!

Which is where we are (although with the damn car complication).
We’re both keen to keep our own accounts and this method should work, as long as expenses are categorised correctly and fairly

But why IS there a "% split"? Why didn't you insist on a joint account (and no other accounts) from the start?

@PhilomenaPunk actually, having reread, I think you might be right. I just couldn’t compute that setup

We do this

Because we lived together before getting married and that was the sensible way of doing it. And I never had a desire to have a joint account, therefore never insisted on it

I earn 2x, maybe 2.5x DH…we pay equal amounts into a joint account to cover bills, I then pay for holidays and general bigger things as my money for spends is bigger. I also earn bonuses, he doesn’t. We have joint and individual savings, it all works well for us.

@FlipFlopFairy yes I genuinely think that is what they meant-the same percentage. It's absolutely mind boggling to me but not surprising as I have seen lots of previous threads on here from women saying exactly that: they contribute 50/50 despite earning vastly less and can't afford even basic toiletries.

You're either a partnership or you're not. A marriage is about caring about each other's physical, emotional and financial wellbeing. It's about sharing a life. Otherwise what's the point?

It’s very interesting to read how other people manage their finances and I respect everyone’s scenarios. If it’s fair and works tor them, brilliant. If it’s not fair and/or they’re not happy about it, then something needs to change

Which account / pot it comes from is irrelevant because it sounds like you couldn't afford for you both to have £850 more in personal money so it could be a personal expense.

The issue is him having a second car in the first place and that using up 850 that could be put to better / other use (in your mind, not saying right or wrong) so really put the who is paying what aside and have a conversation about the unnecessary car.

There are all sorts of valid ways to set up bank accounts and transfers and decide whether you first pool and then each take out an individual spending amount, start separate and each put a chosen amount in to joint accounts, or stay separate and divy up bills and pay each other to even things out. Though I'll admit I can't think of any married couples with shared children in my life who have happily managed long-term with that last approach if they don't do detailed budgeting and tracking. All of those logistical structures can work and get you to the same place of both partners being financially secure and empowered.

But I genuinely believe the most important part is that you're able to agree on a budget together in a way that addresses the whole family's needs and that any expenses that come from joint accounts (or count towards your contribution to joint expenses if you're keeping things separate) are ultimately jointly owned decisions. That doesn't mean you have to micromanage every single purchase or control each other, but if cars are going to be a joint expense then agreeing that "having two cars to use for daily transportation needs is a priority for our family and we can afford X as a car payment in addition to Y for the company car" is vital. Otherwise it needs to come out of the "this is my money not our money" funds. Conversely, jointly-owned decisions need to be considered joint expenses.

So IMO if you're not on board with that third car as a joint expense it either needs to be categorized as an individual spend or sold so those funds can be used on something you both agree on for the family.

Marital finances do seem to cause a divide Mumsnet-wise. For us, we both maintain separate accounts, but pay equally into our joint account for household bills. My DH runs an expensive car (of his choosing) and I put to for fuel if he's driving me to places or it's a joint trip since I can't drive (medically). I pay more towards our food costs for sure. He spends a lot of his own money on his hobbies, which I don't interfere with as he works hard and I'm glad he enjoys them. Equally, I don't expect him to question when some swishy new boots or art equipment arrives for me. I'd only have an issue if his hobby meant that he contributed less towards our shared costs. He does earn about 2 x what I do at the moment, but I'm not full time. I pay equally into our joint account not because he expects this, but because I want to. However, I do see your point about effectively subsidising his second car. I wouldn't want my husband's hobby coming out of our joint finances, nor would I expect him to cover mine. I'm v independent after being a single mum for a while though, so the whole joint pot for everything doesn't feel comfortable for me. I invest some of my own and would happily use it towards joint house renovations/retirement funds - but ultimately I want to know that that's my choice.

That is £850 a month that could be paying down mortgage, saving for kids university or just saved. Tell him you are not paying for a second car anymore. End of. Don’t give him money for it. If expenditure goes over for kids etc then he needs to fork out.

I am with you completely. I never understand separating finances myself. We have friends that do it and they constantly seem to be calculating who has paid for what if we are out. He earns a lot more than she does but rarely seems to pay for anything, leasing to her having to ask him for money as she always runs out. Its such an odd set up to me.

Well that's something you need to discuss and agree on, despite him earning more than you!

We have just one joint account for everything.

We each buy whatever we want up to a realistic level. However, if we wanted something hugely expensive then we'd have a conversation about it to see whether or not it was appropriate or we could afford it.

We have one account and both our salaries go into it. I earn more than DH but he's never really spent very much tbh.

His second car, if family cannot all use it together and he doesn't want you to drive it is not a family car. Suggest the 2nd car be either 1. You have access to the car whenever you like. 2. Swapped to something fun that fits you all in and you are allowed to drive it whenever you like or 3. He pays for it out of his pot.
I agree you need to look at the maths- for holidays and the kids spends/food stuff that you are topping up. You can download cvs files and use a spreadsheet to track what this looked like over, say the last year, to see what this equates to.
I would also look at your pension provisions given the impact of maternity/childcare on your pension to consider what your individual and join retirement situation is like too.
There are some good resources for tracking spending out there already- apps, ready made spreadsheets etc. if that's not your thing.

Honestly the way I’d do it because it sounds like you’d be hitting your head on a brick wall with regards to his second car. Is I’d be touching base on your finances again, like you should be doing periodically as bills go up and down and family expenditures and needs differ over time. When adding up you add your car finance on (assuming you haven’t already) include the car if he isn’t gunna budge. Work out percentage based on each earnings whether that is 50/50, 60/40 or so on. Then whatever your contribution is deduct what comes out your wage for your car because you are paying that direct.

or all money going into joint, work out all bills etc then split the left over money 50/50 and transfer to personal accounts so you get equal xx

separate finances. I get carers allowance, PIP and DLA (both DC have SN) and child benefit. DH's take home wage is in the region of 3k. He pay gas electric and half of all food shopping. I pay the other house hold bills (phone/ internet, water, council tax, car insurance and MOT) and most child related expenses (clothes, hobbies etc) and the other 50% of the food shop. We dont have a mortgage anymore. We don't holiday together as I cannot afford to cover the costs for me and the DC. He usually goes away alone twice per year.
This thread has been eye opening.

Same here. All the money goes into our joint account and everything is paid from that. If either of us want to spend on something out of the ordinary round of stuff we have a chat about it. Saves all the faffing. We are married though.

This. And my husband earns more than twice what I do.