To ask how you split your household finances?

[FlipFlopFairy]

My husband and I have separate bank accounts but split the outgoings to allow us to have the same ‘spends’ each month. I know that sounds fair, but what I challenge is what is classed as household outgoings.

For transparency, he earns about 2.5 times my salary, and his bonuses pay for holidays.

I suppose fixed outgoings would be a better phrase than household outgoings. Included in his fixed outgoings is payments for his 2 cars. I have a company car, so my car payments are taken from my gross salary.

Because he has included both cars in his outgoings, it means less ‘spends’ for me, and it feels like I’m helping to fund his cars, when I’m funding my own already.

On top of this, my outgoings include responsibility for variables, such as food and shoes and clothes for the children, so some months I have less ‘spends’ than others. It just feels quite imbalanced.

When I’ve raised this, he just cannot seem to see my point of view. He only sees that his total outgoings from his bank account far exceed mine, and not that his cars (at the very least, the second car) are more of a personal expense, in the same way mine is.

AIBU to think that our expenses need to be reworked to be more fair?

Same as this. We used to have seperate ones but couldn't be arsed with all the faff of doing what OP does so we now just have one joint account and then spend the leftover between us

Same. For tax purposes I’ve had my own savings a/cs, but all money from whatever source has always been ‘ours’.

Everything is paid into a joint account, we then have equal levels of savings in ISA’s / premium bonds etc. my husband is a high earner, I was a SAHM and now work part time to work around family life. We are married so everything is ours, we have both worked equally hard (in different ways) to get to where we are, whether it’s effort/time
or money we both put everything we can into our shared life

I think it's more like this guy has committed spending over 10k a year to an extra car which only he benefits from. Holidays will feel different as they are for everyone and also they can cut back on them if needed and spend less/fewer holidays if needed. 10k a year for at least 3 - 5 years is quite a burden and if it means that OP is having to dip into her money savings/current account to fund stuff for their joint kids then it points to the fact that as a family they can't comfortably afford this extra car. I also suspect that the dh made the decision entirely on his own to buy the car.

Separate finances.
he earns 50% more than me so we take that into account.
we pay for our own individual bills ourselves (including him paying for his car himself).
we worked out roughly what household bills come to and then each cover bills that work out to our share.
so say if out goings come to £750, he pays for £450 worth of bills and I pay £300 worth of bills.

Separate finances all the way!!
I'd never dump everything in to one account then divvy out equal personal spends to personal accounts
We do split the household stuff where i pay 50% more compared to him towards it all.

But our cars, phones etc are personal expenses.

i worked VERY hard to climb the ladder and earn what i do, no way am i giving it up to be "equal"
i have multiple horses and vehicles, my personal out goings are always going to far outweigh his so a "same spends" divvy up would never work.

You DH's secons car should at least be a personal expense not a joint.

Personal accounts for salaries, direct debit into joint account to cover half each of mortgage, council tax, utilities and after school clubs plus additional £250 each for unexpected stuff.
Things like personal cars are a personal choice so personal cost and not joint account.

For this setup, I'd calculate all the food and the child stuff and add that to the fixed budget before you split that isn't a YOU cost.
Average out what it is and set that as the budget. Anything over is agreed him/you or joint.
One car the family car is from joint and then you both pay for a personal car each.

But I think this tit for tat is incredibly unfair and is showing signs of financial abuse or at least controlling because he eats food too? He is responsible for feeding his kids that not just woman's work! His refusal to see your point of view and accept that is a choice not an understanding problem.
You have no spends and he has all the spends and it's the way he wants it.

Not ok.

The only way this works is if all communual household expenses are in the house account and only personal spends are in personal.

Joint account. He earns hugely more than me.

We pay all bills from it and spend whatever we want with no issue.

Works great. I wouldn't accept different accounts. I spend loads

£100 a month. I can’t get rid of my car as it’s a company car on a fixed term lease.

'I am with you completely. I never understand separating finances myself. We have friends that do it and they constantly seem to be calculating who has paid for what if we are out. He earns a lot more than she does but rarely seems to pay for anything, leasing to her having to ask him for money as she always runs out. It's such an odd set up to me.'

@anothermnuser123 it's genuinely crazy to me. I've been out with married friends and witnessed them literally calculating how much each other's drinks have cost!

And to all the PPs saying that they split finances as they have different spending habits: did you not discuss this before marriage? Did you not have a plan for how you would approach things? And financial compatibility is just as important as any other form of compatibility in my book. If you're not financially compatible then you're not compatible full stop.

As I've said earlier in this post, my DH and I pool all money into one account.

I've got a friend whose DH earns a lot more then her. They've one child.

He pays certain bills and she pays for all her child's things.

When they want to go on holiday, she can't afford it as she doesn't even have enough money left over each month for her own costs. Now she's expected to pay for their child's holiday too.

He therefore lends her the money to pay for her and their daughter to go on holiday with him!!!

Also, when he's out with their daughter and buys her a magazine or something, my friend has to pay him back when they get home.

My friend says that's apparently he's not tight with money but they are fairly rigid on who pays what!!!!!

I couldn't (and wouldn't) live like this!

But if people have a joint account, why then divvy it up as such?

With our joint account we both just pay all our money into it and then each spend what we want as we've pooled our money.

We would just discuss any hefty purchases.

If money is getting tight we discuss it and we're both careful for a while.

As I said earlier, I don't understand why you don't agree a set amount that you can afford for you each to have as personal spends a month. Then EVERYTHING else goes into a joint account. That way, you're not subsidising him, and he's not subsidising you. The fact that he earns so much more than you, surely entitles him to have the second car, if it can be afforded, and I can't see why you're so adamant that it comes out of his personal spends, as if you do it the way I suggest, you will both have the same amount of personal spends, which is actually to YOUR advantage, rather than his. The rest then should be treated as family money, and be spent on the necessities AND treats like holidays.

In all honesty OP, it sounds like you really begrudge him the second car, which would be fine, if as a family you're struggling to pay for bills, and treats for EVERYONE, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

All family expenditure should come out of your joint - so that top up for food/clothes/shoes that exceeds the budget, needs to come out of joint account. His 2nd car seems frivolous to me and a huge expense on your joint finances. But there does need to be some give or take for hobbies. though I wouldn’t personally be happy with this much.

My husband is the main earner too, and like you I’ve sacrificed my career to raise our children, doing the bulk of the childcare. So your earnings are joint as far as I’m concerned - ignore people saying you should be grateful that he’s subbing you - he’s not. You’re a team and your finances should work that way too.

We each have the same amount of spends like you do, though it’s a very small amount. I’m currently spending more than my husband as I’ve joined the gym and am having some PT sessions. We discussed this together and he was supportive, so it’s agreed, and I try to pay half out of my spends (less meals with friends and clothes I don’t necessarily need) when I can. Could you re-work so that his car becomes something more like this? Whatever you do, discuss regularly and make sure both feel you have what you need to enjoy your life! One shouldn’t be at the expense of the other, but there can be give and take.

i am the higher earner by 2.5 times. All money goes in same account. We have joint savings. We each take out the same amount each month for 'spends' which are our frivolous money with no judgement.

The variables sound like they should be a joint expenditure- could there be a third pot of money made for these? The 2nd car is a bit ridiculous tbh but I do earn similar to my DH so my perspective on this could be different

Best approach

When we had no kids the set-up was joint account for household spending, he paid in about 55% and I paid in about 45% of the total amount we needed. The remaining was ours individually to spend as we each saw fit. When kids came along I became a stay at home Mum and he paid for everything and I had free access to all his income. When I started working as a contractor, all money I earned went into my own account and I used it to pay into my pension and for all the family holidays and he continued to pay for all monthly expenses. Probably not really fair but he never complained. When I eventually had to take a permanent job both lots of pay go into the joint account, but I still syphon some off each month to cover holidays.

We do currently have the same value of personal spends. My issue is with the second car being classed as a household expense, which your scenario suggests remains the same, so doesn’t change anything. So I don’t see how it would be to my advantage. Unless I’ve misunderstood what you mean?

28 years married . DH earns much more than me . Have always paid both salaries into the joint account. We both then transfer an agreed amount( equal) to each other’s own accounts for our own spending. Anything for the house or holidays , cars etc comes from the joint Over the years the amount we allow has increased obviously. It was the same when I was a sahm.

@PhilomenaPunk @anothermnuser123

I’ve friends who are similar. If we’re all out together having a meal or drinks and one of them pays, I’ve heard the other say they’ll transfer them money later. She earns more than him and I think they split bills fairly equally so he’s often not got enough to socialise like she does.

It baffles me!! If my partner and I are out together it just comes from our shared fun money pot.

Our finances are separate, for meals out and stuff like that we just take it in turns so it evens out. Neither of us are particularly bothered about footing the bill (but then neither of us would allow the other to do it all the time either), and if it’s a particularly large bill one of us would cover it an the other just transfer their share. I don’t know why people think it’s such a big deal tbh.
We like having separate finances, it allows us to spend however we want without feeling guilty or like it needs to be justified, allows us to be able to surprise the other. I’m
The idea of him having to discuss with me if he wants to splash out feels bonkers to me, as long as he’s covering his share of bills it’s non of my business.

Exactly this. He earns a bit more than me but I definitely spend more!

The 2nd car is a want not a need and as such should come out of his 'fun' money

Children should definitely be a joint expense