PIL favouritism

[DisgruntledDIL]

I’m annoyed on my DH’s half. He says he’s not bothered, I think he is but is not admitting it. I’m annoyed on his behalf and am on 2 minds to say something.

Here’s why.

My PIL MASSIVELY favour my DH’s sister.

We just invited MIL for a nice day out on mother’s day and she declined saying she’s spending it with her DD. There was no effort to make it a joint thing, or to pop in and see her in the morning or day before, nothing. The same thing happened last year on Father’s Day. In fact my FILs actual words were “I’ll let you know. I’m not sure what my DD is doing yet, and whether she’s got something planned for me. I’ll have to let you know”. I just sat there aghast. My DC ask my why their GPs don’t like their dad.

FYI my DH is lovely, kind generous, a great dad and DH.

The funny thing is my PIL complain that they don’t see much of DH, but the truth is they out rightly favour his sister and my DH has retreated a bit.

It really pissed me off. His DDis also relishes the golden child status. I just don’t get it as I don’t feel my parents favour one of their DC over the other and I go out of my way to make sure I don’t.

AIBU to think this is shit? Do I let my DH keep setting himself up to be a second class citizen or do I tell him to screen them, don’t bother.

Similar situation here but you can't say anything. It's not your place. Just facilitate as much contact as you can.

You don't 'let' your adult husband do anything or 'tell' him for that matter.

He's said he's not bothered and whether you believe him or not, you need to butt out.

You're not the entire family's matriarch.

I wouldn’t raise with PIL. Would view this as DH’s problem to solve. If you really can’t contain it then you ask SIL - hey it’s Father’s Day coming up shall we all get together and do X,Y,Z?

That would really annoy me too. Does the daughter or parents in law not speak to your husband to maybe arrange a joint get together? Or does the daughter get priority every time?

I don't think it's your place to start rocking the boat; you support your husband in whatever he decides to do. (My petty mind would want to plan something amazing for Mother's Day/Father's Day and go without them because you know they'll want to spend it with your sister-in-law...)

I would suggest you let them got on with it, focus on your mother/own mothers day and let SiL do all the hard work. In the end you actually have an easier time of it because there won't be any resentment or bad feelings, you can just have fun with your family. I spent decades walking the tightrope of PiL\SiL rubbish and never ever resolved anything. In the end PiL got old, FiL died and sadly MiL went into a home.

SiL had cancer and when she was diagnosed I let it all go. I would not have wished the last year or so of her life on anyone and hope that the life she lived was a happy one, because it was not long enough. Yes, they favoured her, but where did that get her? Now I do what I can for Mil and support my DH.

Life is literally too short to let all this get to you, focus on you, your DH and your Dcs, the rest is just noise.

Let your DH deal with it.

It's him they're rejecting and treating badly so let him deal with it how and if/when he's ready and wants to deal with it

Oh just drop the rope already and stop trying so hard. In fact just stop inviting them to everything,

When the scapegoat (your DH) isn't around to mop up all the negativity his golden child sister will soon find she's not so exulted after all. See it all the time. The golden child isn't so golden when there's nobody else to whack with the cruelty stick.

Just go live your own life and create good memories with your own family.

He says he’s not bothered, I think he is but is not admitting it

How patronising and dismissive

you want him to be bothered so you can create a drama

Do I let my DH keep setting himself up to be a second class citizen or do I tell him to screen them, don’t bother.

unless your dh is actually your ds aged 5…. You leave him to it

i totally know where you’re coming from because the same happens in my DH family except when Mil does actually fancy doing the thing we’ve suggested or wants to come and watch DD’s hobby (we ask her regularly if she fancies it, she is widowed and not in great health and doesn’t get out much so we try and do nice, everyday stuff with her with the odd treat thrown in) we get shitty attitudes from the sils Bils and their grown up kids, because we obviously have tricked her into wanting to spend time with us and not them. In fact she mostly lives to please them and can be quite rude to us sometimes but we put up with it! There are a lot of people on here who ARE the ‘favourites’ and bristle at posts like yours OP but there’s no denying it’s a common phenomenon, just stop trying so hard, let it wash off your back and make sure you tell them what a fab time you all had at the things they missed out on. Oh; SIL took them to a particular pub for Sunday lunch? Yeah, been there a few times, it’s average, we prefer the other pub down the road. That type of response gets them going 😂

Do I let my DH keep setting himself up to be a second class citizen or do I tell him to screen them, don’t bother.

You don’t need to let your DH do anything, he is a grown man who knows how things are so he can decide what he wants to do. You also don’t need to tell him to screen them, if he wants to answer he can if he doesn’t he won’t. There really is no need for your input here

It is possible that the SiL does not want to share family space with you as she likes to be the centre of attention. That does not mean you are unlikeable, it means she has problems that she has never resolved.

Other people's family dynamics are always tricky. I bet SiL has always been the favoured child, and this will not change

It's hard to see someone you love being treated badly. And it's often much easier to be angry on behalf of someone else than it is for yourself.
And perhaps you are frustrated by your DH's passivity. You think he should be handling this differently so it's hard to watch.
But this isn't about you. And there isn't an intervention you can make that helps your DH. He's not going to feel better if you argue with his parents for him and he's not going to feel better if he has to listen to you tell him that he's not dealing with it the way you think he should.
Your job is to be quietly and unequivocally supportive of how he decides to deal with his own feelings about his own parents.

You are Mums & Dads yourselves - I wouldn't cast a shadow over a nice day by inviting people who are not interested, in the full knowledge they're going to centre someone else, just as they have every other year.

If he's saying he's not bothered, take it as read, have a fab day and make it about you two & the kids.
He knows you've seen it. He'll come to you if he wants to vent.

That may be so, but even when I am not going to be there, they still say no.

When you say 'We just invited MIL for a nice day out' do you mean your DH asked them or you asked them? If the latter, you have become your DH's social secretary and his parents probably want to hear directly from him more. Men can be so bloody passive socially and you're enabling that if you're the one doing all the organising. He doesn't even seem that bothered so let him be not that bothered. Can you pour your energy into your own parents? Or even into your relationship with your SiL? While also accepting that him being more front and centre with his parents could mean occasionally that you stay out of the way? {does SiL's husband turn up to these Mother's Day events etc?]

but not inviting you is going to cause drama for your dh so they probs my don’t want to do that

You are right. It is hard to watch him being treated badly. It’s not in my imagination as my DC have picked up on it and they don’t like it either.

I’ve spent a lot of time showing my DC how to stick up for themselves and they are good at it. I just feel that my DH should pull them up on it. He won’t and I have to sit there and endure my immature, insecure, SILs behaviour.

Quite frankly I’d be mortified if my parents excluded my siblings in favour of me.

Curious, he invited them not me. I’m not his social secretary. He talks to them, I don’t arrange anything.

Your DH is saying he is not bothered so why don’t you believe him?
I would say in about 90% of relationships I know it’s the woman who drives interactions with parents/inlaws. I know my DH wouldn’t see much of his parents if I didn’t suggest it. Dh’s sister on the other hand sees them on a regular basis.
Just drop the rope; less work for you.

His DDis also relishes the golden child status.

how?