PIL favouritism

[DisgruntledDIL]

I’m annoyed on my DH’s half. He says he’s not bothered, I think he is but is not admitting it. I’m annoyed on his behalf and am on 2 minds to say something.

Here’s why.

My PIL MASSIVELY favour my DH’s sister.

We just invited MIL for a nice day out on mother’s day and she declined saying she’s spending it with her DD. There was no effort to make it a joint thing, or to pop in and see her in the morning or day before, nothing. The same thing happened last year on Father’s Day. In fact my FILs actual words were “I’ll let you know. I’m not sure what my DD is doing yet, and whether she’s got something planned for me. I’ll have to let you know”. I just sat there aghast. My DC ask my why their GPs don’t like their dad.

FYI my DH is lovely, kind generous, a great dad and DH.

The funny thing is my PIL complain that they don’t see much of DH, but the truth is they out rightly favour his sister and my DH has retreated a bit.

It really pissed me off. His DDis also relishes the golden child status. I just don’t get it as I don’t feel my parents favour one of their DC over the other and I go out of my way to make sure I don’t.

AIBU to think this is shit? Do I let my DH keep setting himself up to be a second class citizen or do I tell him to screen them, don’t bother.

Have you considered that they feel it’s pointless to make plans because you just take over anyway? Ever tried including them?

Literally relate to this post so much down to the being bitched about / at if you suggest a new pub to go to or try something new and it’s not how ‘they’ like it. Sil bil and their grown up kids all have favoured places which they seem to cycle through or have ‘flavour of the month’ places even down to garden centres nail salons or podiatrists which MIL dutifully changes her usual and goes to until the new favourite comes along. It’s comical really thinking about it

Next time SIL is busy and they deign to suggest they’ll come to yours instead, say you already have plans and can’t change them. A few holidays spent alone might give them a bit of perspective.

It's up to your DH however I would never be putting up with being second best. If they tried to come for Christmas because their DD was doing something else I would tell DH no and if he insisted then he would do it all. Frankly I can't see what they are bringing to your lives. It's very very sad that your DC can see it. Perhaps you need to use that angle with your DH to emphasise the impact this is having?

I have a similar ish situation with a golden sibling although my parents deny it. It's affected our relationship and I just always put myself and my family first.

Why do people do this? Look at the most unfavourable angle possible in order to be a dick to the OP? Nothing suggests she cares about the drama, she's not 15. She far more likely hates to see the man she loves being treated this way by his own family. Its called empathy.

If I were you, I would stop doing all the work for them at Christmas and Easter. It must be awful having to spend these holidays with such awful people who hurt your DH on a regular basis.

Apart from being dreadful parents to your DH, they were so rude and bad mannered when they arranged to come to you for Christmas and then cancelled at the last minute when SIL cancelled her holiday. Surely you and your DH had a conversation about their behaviour at that point?

They will never change if there are no negative consequences for their treatment of your DH. Stop being their back up plans for when SIL is unavailable.

My DH didn't care until both he and the favoured sibling both had children, and the favouritism was passed down to the grandchildren of the golden child over our children. It's hard watching your children notice the differences and knowing that they won't have the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins do.

This
The truth is the golden child often ends up to be a disappointment to the parents

My dc would not be visiting those grandparents regularly

No not at all. But it’s a very specific family dynamic I think you have to be there to witness. Note, she does go to these places with her family, she is told ‘oh that hairdresser again; they’re rubbish, Susan has started going to the one on Smith Road, I am going there too you should go there’ she will then start using that one. They won’t take her or go with her. She actually normally rings me or DH to drop her off at most places, which 95% of the time we are happy to do.

shes a very submissive, people pleasing person who wants their approval and they know it. It’s like an elder version of mean girls, she doesn’t want to be the odd one out using what they deem is a ‘rubbish’ hair dresser or a ‘horrible’ cafe.

We are not. As I said, the deciding factor was the difference in treatment of the grandchildren.

When I first started being ‘part’ of DHs family I couldn’t believe how bizarre it was but I think it’s actually a phenomenon that happens in a few families with ‘golden child’ dynamics. It really doesn’t affect me or my life but a few times the places I get my child’s clothes/shoes from have been ‘criticised’ when MIL has mentioned them and she then parrots it back which really annoyed me. I’m readying myself for their ‘opinions’ on the school we pick for our daughter too but end of the day, it’s none of their business!

You could see it like that. If they didn’t criticise and belittle MIL for not following the recommendations it would be totally normal. MIL isnt even ‘allowed’ to go to a church near her house. She goes to the one they like in a village they used to live in. I’ve offered to take MIL to our local church, we aren’t even mega religious really but it’s linked to older DD’s school. Thought she might like it, being with DD and her wee pals. She suggested she might try it, to BIL. An hour later his son rings up with a character assassination of the vicar, the building itself, the lack of parking. MIL , horrified, says she can’t believe how terrible the church is and have we thought about stopping going there?? We just sort Of let it wash over us. Then Sunday comes and she asks for a lift to church because no one else can take her . Ffs !

We are in the same situation. My SIL and her adult kids get all the attention and even wads of cash each visit despite being far better off than we are. In all honesty we don't actually want or really need anyone else's money but it does make the favouritism even more glaringly obvious. DH's sister isn't very local so DH is expected to do errands and drive his mum all over for her weekly shop each week. I used to do it until I realised I was setting myself up as the future carer just because I'm the woman. I just backed off slowly and DH took over.

DH is quiet about the favouritism but as his wife I can see it upsets him. All I can do is support him. Now IF his mother or father should ever ask why we don't do something or why they haven't had a call etc I will simply state the facts politely but with no sugar coating. Idgaf if I upset them.

They live one street away and despite our kids being super well behaved they have never babysat willingly, only in dire emergency and even then they called constantly to see when we would be back. I was glad when our eldest became old enough to take her siblings home mid babysit.

Let your husband deal with it himself. It's not your place. You can stand up for yourself and your children though.

And if asked, answer truthfully.

She is which is why I try and keep her ‘onside’ and doing things separate from them. She can’t drive and her memory is not the best. She is very vulnerable to being asked for money as well.

Hi. I just want to say I'm so sorry, I know what this feels like as it's the same for me on both sides of our family. DH doesn't really see it and he's certainly not bothered.
It's horrible feeling like you aren't as important as it feels like a slight on your children as much as anything.
But I agree, you can't really say or do anything so just live your best life and let them get on with it.

His eldest sibling has POA. The will splits it all equally and grandchildren over 18 are names. Unfortunately our kids are under 18. It’s all a bit weird.