PIL favouritism

[DisgruntledDIL]

I’m annoyed on my DH’s half. He says he’s not bothered, I think he is but is not admitting it. I’m annoyed on his behalf and am on 2 minds to say something.

Here’s why.

My PIL MASSIVELY favour my DH’s sister.

We just invited MIL for a nice day out on mother’s day and she declined saying she’s spending it with her DD. There was no effort to make it a joint thing, or to pop in and see her in the morning or day before, nothing. The same thing happened last year on Father’s Day. In fact my FILs actual words were “I’ll let you know. I’m not sure what my DD is doing yet, and whether she’s got something planned for me. I’ll have to let you know”. I just sat there aghast. My DC ask my why their GPs don’t like their dad.

FYI my DH is lovely, kind generous, a great dad and DH.

The funny thing is my PIL complain that they don’t see much of DH, but the truth is they out rightly favour his sister and my DH has retreated a bit.

It really pissed me off. His DDis also relishes the golden child status. I just don’t get it as I don’t feel my parents favour one of their DC over the other and I go out of my way to make sure I don’t.

AIBU to think this is shit? Do I let my DH keep setting himself up to be a second class citizen or do I tell him to screen them, don’t bother.

I was probably the favourited sister, but my parents knew that I was a single parent and may have needed them more, but also did more for them. My brothers wives acted more like visitors.

I was also the one who uprooted my life to live by them when they needed care, lost loads of cash through the sale, and was on speed dial for years. I also singlehandedly cleared out house, dealt with carers, NHS funding and everything else until they died and then I arranged both funerals.

Maybe listen to your husband, he's been a part of the family for way longer than you.

My fil is the same. Always prioritises my husbands brother and his family....except when he's ill or needs help with something and then straight to my husband, cos you know 'they are soooo busy'

Honestly I’d just keep out of it unless directly questioned - ie , I’d never mentioned mothers’ and fathers’ day again or initiate Sunday lunch etc, and if the PILs raise it (ie ask why didn’t you ask us over this year?), you answer truthfully - we didn’t bother because you’ve made it clear in the past that you have no interest in spending time with DH and our kids, except as a second choice. We deserve better than that.

Then just change the subject.

In fact, I’d probably stop contacting them altogether and let them do the running. If they want to see their DGCs, they can call and request a time, and maybe you’ll be available. Maybe not. Using MN speak, I’d return exactly the same energy as they’ve shown your family.

'its just noise'

We have this playing out, even down to the cancer, it's going to be a long year.

I wish I'd not tried so hard for them and not made an effort to compensate for DH being a bit shit sometimes. But in the early days, I didn't think it was going to be us and them, I thought we'd all merge together.

So with it being us and them, you just have to live your best life and model great friendships and support with other relatives and family friends.
The kids saw it all play out over the years and are firmly it's them not us because we have otherexamples.

I think MIL was totally unwilling to change and and any effort by us, a pub for a change, was just bitched about afterwards.
SIL and BIL are both insecure, it's sad and their kids, despite far more grandparenting time, have paid the price. I always think we should get them Xmas therapy vouchers.

"The funny thing is my PIL complain that they don’t see much of DH, but the truth is they out rightly favour his sister and my DH has retreated a bit."

IIRC, the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic also involves a narcissistic parent. So, despite treating one child as an afterthought, they still expect that child to dance attendance on them.

Are you around when PIL complain? Any chance you could slip a mild 'Well, you're so busy with SIL it seems selfish for us to monopolise what free time you do have. More Tea?' into the conversation.

Same happens with me. PIL openly have called SIL1 their favourite. And her children.

We also come from a culture where eldest sons take the burden of their parents

Eventually my dh said to his parents "you call DS your real eldest son, so therefore I have assumed she will be taking on all the duties" and now they have cut us off.

Honestly no skin off my back, I prefer it.

We're in the same situation but my dh has told me it upsets him. Dc have cried over it, it all changed when sil had her dc.

He sent mil a message and he really poured his heart out. Didn't change a thing so we've distanced ourselves now. Still hurts though and hasn't got better in time either but we try not to think about it

What happens when/if your DH invites them?

Sorry to disappoint some people, but I don’t think it’s about me.

The favouritism preceded me. I’m not always around, my DH goes there alone sometimes and he talks to them on his own. I’ve stepped back. I’m not influencing anything. In all the years I’ve know him, they’ve favoured her.

They don’t avoid us/me. If their DD doesn’t do Christmas or Easter, they are straight on the phone to DH telling him Christmas is about family, and seeing their DGC. They may not like me, but are happy for me to do all the work for them Christmas and Easter.

It’s mainly special occasions. They wait to see what SIL is doing. If she arranges something they’ll go with her. If not, they’ll come to us. Last year they said they were coming to ours for Christmas as SIL was away. Then she cancelled her holiday, so they said they weren’t coming (a few days before Christmas) and went to hers. I just think this is crap.

My DH grew up with this. He thinks it’s normal. Me and my DC think it’s shit and would like him to tell them where to get off. Obviously we respect he doesn’t want to do it, but we think he deserves better. We think he’s awesome.

They may not like me, but are happy for me to do all the work for them Christmas and Easter.

How does that work then when they're your DH's family?

What does your DH end up doing while you do all the work?

He says he’s not bothered, I think he is but is not admitting it. Why does it matter if he admits it or not? Maybe he accepts reality.

I am in 2 minds to say something. It’s not your battle. If someone is going to say something it needs to be your h but being the less favoured child may mean that his confidence has been knocked to the point that he accepts it won’t change anything.

Why did he ask about Fathers Day and Mothers Day when he knows that he’s only ever the backup plan ?

The funny thing is my PIL complain that they don’t see much of DH, but the truth is they out rightly favour his sister and my DH has retreated a bit. They are complaining that your h isn’t as accepting of the status quo. They aren’t saying that they wish they saw him more. They know (and like ) their son chasing them for their approval and accepting that any invitations from their daughter must take preference.

You need to take your h’s lead on this. Forcing him to take a specific line of action could backfire on you if he’s not ready to do it voluntarily.

How he’s treated is horrible and he’s not unreasonable to be upset about it. However lots of people would accept this treatment as they see scraps of attention as worth it to feed the feeling of being in an extended family. It’s a massive shock to realise that your parents are not who you thought 💐

Rightly or wrongly I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth closed when he said "I don’t know what my DD has planned"

I don’t understand why everyone is saying you can’t say anything and should just roll over and watch your DH be emotionally abused! If nobody ever says anything to these people then nothing will change. Ever.

@DisgruntledDIL My parents have always favoured my older DB. It hurts, like a rusty screwdriver to the eyeball. Your DH is lucky to have someone willing to defend him, despite PP saying you're interfering.
The thing is, you're not just defending your DH, you're defending your DC as the favouritism affects them too! So unless they're adults now then it falls to you to defend them against any challenges they're up against whilst still minors.

I only have my Mum still alive yet the favouritism continues so I do defend my DC as we rarely hear from her unless she needs/wants something. It breaks my heart as DC only has my Mum as a grandparent. None on the other side and as I mentioned above, my Dad has passed.

Similar thing here but if it doesn't bother your dh then not really anything you can do about it! Now sil's kids are getting older and less cute we see them a bit more 🙄. I'm just as nice to them as possible but don't go massively out of my way to accommodate them either

I've had this happen to dh with his dad- oh no sorry, I'll see what sil is doing or oh I'll spend the day with sil. But he said it to dh (I can't defend him if I'm not part of the conversation). If I then say "that's pretty harsh" to dh, he gets defensive as they're his parents.

Families are complicated

Sorry to disappoint some people, but I don’t think it’s about me @DisgruntledDIL

I apologise op, I replied quickly and wasn't thinking, I didn't mean to suggest it was you.

What I was thinking perhaps if DH didn't ask, they didn't think it was from him, you know if they were being precious about protocol or martyrs.

Your update is sad though as is a pattern from your DH's childhood.

In my family my brother has always been the favourite and I didn't realise until friends commented in my late teens.

I've come to realise half the time she knows he will kick up a fuss if things don't go his way, so she appeases him, to my detriment.

I have more than one DC and can't imagine favouring one over the other.

I always thought it didn’t bother my DH, always thought he didn’t even notice. 7 years down the line and we have dc and only just now since this Christmas have the cracks started to show and it Does bother him, he just never really noticed what was happening.

This sounds familiar with both my brother and his wife. It’s horrible

I think I’m the favoured one but only because I’m the one who makes the most effort. I’d happily step aside but my siblings never visit or make plans with our parents.
I’m always with one parent doing stuff and sometimes worry I’ll be seen as the golden child but there’s not much I can do if they don’t want to bother themselves.

I would focus on dh and make his father's day all about him and his relationship with his own children. If your dh gives his dad a gift he can do do so a few days before or after.

If your dh wouldn't want you to interject on his behalf then I'd put all your focus on making the day centred around him. I wouldn't have been able to help myself when fil said he'd check what dd had arranged for him and reminded him that he has 2 kids not one. Yes favouritism does affect the grandchildren as they don't spent as much time with the non favoured child and then their children as a result. I also think it's totally understandable to feel upset at their blatant disregard for your dh.