To be so jealous of people who just see their own side?

[Haemagoblin]

Argh I feel like my head will explode.

Partner and I are in another of our periodic stalemates in our difficult relationship. There's a lot of background to this it would take forever to go into. I have two small children who we co-parent effectively and am not inclined to break up if it can be avoided until they've launched. basically our fundamental issue is the classic male-female ouroboros - I want more love/connection, he wants more sex. I am doing my best on my side of the equation, I don't feel he is doing his on the other. This blew up this week on holiday as I felt he was a snappy twat to me twice, never apologised, and pretty well ignored me the rest of the time unless with the children. As such I have felt no inclination to initiate the sex I don't particularly want but keep going because I know it is important to him. Has now been a week since we had sex, whereas usually try to initiate every 2-3 days. So much for the current state of play.

BUT, while he no doubt is feeling wounded and sorry for himself, I am:

• looking at it from my side, from his side, trying to imagine what it might look like to an objective third party;
• feeling uncomfortable with how things are, resentful of feeling I have to be the one to initiate 'sorting them out', dreading doing so, angry that he never will in a million years;
• running through about 4 alternative scenarios on how this could go from here, from just keep on ignoring it and see if he EVER cracks and brings it up through sheer sex starvation, to just forget about it and resume business as usual with another little rock of resentment in my spiritual shoe, to a long tedious debate (of which I have played out both sides in my head), to just breaking up with him because none of this is ever going to change;
• Conducting endless Google searches along the lines of 'Anxious/Avoidant attachment styles', 'rejection sensitive dysphoria', 'borderline personality disorder', 'am I a narcissist', 'is HE a narcissist'... etc etc

all of the above basically just desperately looking for a formula to crack this bloody endless cycle of rupture and (tenuous) repair to try and achieve some sort of liveable stability in this relationship, or achieve an 'aha!' moment where I feel like I know WHY it is so impossible and if it's his fault, my fault, six of one and half a dozen of the other, and ending up none the wiser and more sure than ever that there's no viable way forward that will get either of our needs met.

And all of this whilst trying to parent my children, do my work, be a thoughtful friend, etc etc etc... my head feels like it's going to explode with all the thoughts. Whereas if I'm honest I don't think he'll have thought about it once all day, or much at all except a grumpiness when I turn my back in bed at the end of the day instead of launching into sex.

It's a beautiful sunny afternoon; I have two beautiful children; I am intelligent, imaginative, creative; this is NOT how I want to be using my brain. I so so wish I could just be angry as fuck with him for talking to me like shit, give him a bollocking and not care if it upset him because I feel JUSTIFIED; not sleep with him because I don't want to and not care if that makes him unhappy or worry if it's fair; to just be on my own bloody side, like he is on his, instead of seeing it 400 different ways. I wish I could stop overthinking.

Why is it so hard for me to just be on my own side? To see things from MY perspective only? To not go down this bloody rabbit hole?

The more this goes on the more I feel like, whoever's fault it is/whoever is being unreasonable, this relationship doesn't serve me in any way whatever. But I don't feel like I can say that to him, because I don't want to hurt his fucking feelings. WHY? He doesn't give a monkey's about mine.

OP I get you. I understand your situation and your decision, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
People will keep saying LEAVE but you only have to take a stroll through MN posts to come across an overwhelming number or divorced mums going through hell co-parenting with their X's and the harm it does to the children, without even adding potential stepparents and additional children in the mix.
I don't think someone who is rude to you now would become better after you leave, they would become worse and, again, so many posts on MN about Xs deliberately trying to make tgeir X partner's life a living hell.
I would say STOP trying to understand him and what's on his mind. Focus on protecting your mental and emotional health, think about YOU more and do things with yoir family that make you happy without minding his moods or reactions, shrug or nod any snide remarks... Perhaps read Why Does He Do That (it applies not only to abuse husbands but instead, as the author says "angry and controlling men")

Initially, this made me laugh. Then I just felt really sad for you. What gives him the right to shut you down in this manner? Who made him the boss of family communication?

I’m sorry, but you are behaving like his ‘bitch’. It’s the sort of relationship that can be described and made to seem normal/functioning, but is actually highly abusive and emasculating. His feelings are totally protected at all times (you are enabling this), yet yours are left to flap about in the wind.
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are insistent on not leaving (and I TOTALLY understand your rationale and fears about that, even if I may not necessarily agree with your conclusions) you need to confront his appalling behaviour and demand more and better from him.
If you don’t do this, then, again, I’m sorry, but you will be getting what you deserve - a loveless, hopeless life ahead and the knowledge that your children will grow to know this is what you chose and potentially mirror your choices for themselves in the future.

Just stop initiating. It is hard at first and accept you feel a myriad of emotions. After some time has passed you will be fine. Your H will deal with it. That’s not your problem.

Focus on the kids of course. One thing though, put yourself first. No more second-guessing. You are the only authority in your life.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable! Then it will feel like the new norm and you will wonder what you were worried about.

A healthy sex life does not have to mean sex every 2-3 days or else it is doomed. You are putting this pressure on yourself. Give yourself a break.

I'm confused. I don't think this is a different sides thing, so much as a basic mismatch thing. I'm not criticising by the way. Many, many years ago I had a partner I adored - the sexual chemistry was through the roof, the practicalities were there - but something felt off. I pushed for more openness and intimacy (I'm talking emotional) and he simply wasn't like that. I'm not saying I wanted to chat for hours every night about our deepest feelings but I needed to know him much more authentically and vice versa. For me, it makes the tough times easier. Anyway we broke up. I'm not sure he's innately bad or I'm good - just we weren't compatible. Is this what's happened here? Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick!

He'd like it every day (or twice a day!) if I could manage it. Every few days is the compromise version 😆

My belief is that he is just so emotionally illiterate sex is his "communication", his "connection", it fulfils everything for him that I can only get from what I consider to be "real" engagement - talking, sharing, affectionate behaviour, showing that you think about them when they're not there, that you understand them. He gets all that from sex. And as others have said, really it's me who moved the goalposts because when I had a high drive too we both used sex to cover a multitude of sins and disconnects. But now I have no urge and it's frankly a bit of a chore for me unless I feel very connected already, it's become a real sore point in itself.

Would he be open to therapy @Haemagoblin? Sorry if that's been asked.

Ah, I’ve been in a similar place.

As PPs say, stop. Just do what makes you happy.
He has very limited needs from you, he likes a superficial relationship. Sex, home life. No emotional or intellectual sharing. Just physical stuff. At the moment, apart from you demanding emotional engagement, he’s happy as things are. When you stop demanding emotional engagement he’ll be even happier. He’ll stop feeling like he’s letting you down and relax- potentially becoming more open as he does, but only a bit.

You’ll be much happier when you accept it’s not going to happen and meet your own emotional needs elsewhere- friends, hobbies etc.

Don’t have sex you don’t want. It’s soul destroying. It kills love because you associate the unpleasantness with him. He doesn’t care what you like, doesn’t notice what you need or dislike.

At some point you might fancy occasional no strings sex with him, knowing it doesn’t lead to emotional intimacy. You might not.

At some point he might raise the fact that a sexless marriage is unsatisfying. You can remind him of all the times you tried to fix things but he wasn’t interested. Suggest if he wants to fix things you are interested but he has to do the work.

I think that's exactly what it is. I went through a spell of thinking he was cruel, withholding, abusive even, read the Lundy Bancroft and all. But the more I look at myself and my own background the more I see that a lot of it is me too - I'm far from perfect, I am "too much" in a lot of ways, I see difficulties I have in my relationship with him that are replicated in other important relationships in my life - feeling unimportant, misunderstood, uncared for - and I think a lot of that has to do with my abandonment issues from my parents splitting up, and that I have an anxious attachment style whereas his is avoidant. I've even considered the possibility that I have borderline personality disorder as a lot of that rings true - tenuous sense of self, emotional volatility etc. I really think that if he came on to MN and described our relationship from his perspective, I could easily look like the unreasonable/abusive one.

And this really comes back to the main point of the thread, which is I HATE that I have spent so much time on this I have a version that's my version and a version that's his, both equally valid, and spend bloody ages trying to work out the fair and equitable and beat way forward for him, for the kids, even for me(!).... Whereas he probably hasn't given it a second thought beyond being irritated that I've switched off the sex and an awareness that I'm in a bit of a mood. He will feel no obligation to sort that out, he just won't see it as his business. And I WISH I could be like that, care only about myself and what I feel and think. I'm on SSRIs to numb at least some of the emotional intensity I live with all the time, but there's nothing I can take to turn off the churn in my head that picks everything apart from every angle to the detriment of my own wellbeing.

I honestly woke up this morning to the instant churn of thoughts and longed for a lobotomy. I don't want to live in this head any more.

I'd love to be one of those people who describes themselves as "fiery" - who just go off on one when they're angry and then feel better. But instead I'm like this.

I know a lot of CBT is about "fake it til you make it" basically - if I act like I don't care so much eventually I won't. But that just feels such an inauthentic, partial way to live.

Urgh. Well anyway, I'm sure I've irritated a lot of people on this thread by refusing to take well meant advice. It has certainly helped me to organise some of my thoughts and not just accost my partner and offload all these thoughts on him, which would DEFINITELY not have improved matters (tried and tested that method before and doesn't help!).

I'm so very lonely in all this and it does help to talk it through, even to anonymous strangers on the internet. I suppose the fact I can't think of anyone in my real life I could talk it through with who would give me what I feel I need (understanding, sympathy) just proves the problem lies with me really, that what I want isn't reasonable and my responses are extreme. I desperately wish I wasn't like this. I just wish I could switch off 90% of my brain and just do instead of feel feel feel and think think think all the time.

I hear you, OP. I am similar to you with regards to emotional needs in a relationship, I think. I once had a relationship with a man who sounds like your DH. It was soul-destroying, to be frank. I was so lonely.

You sound like you have already decided not to leave him, so I am not sure what you are hoping for from this thread, other than validation that yes, your life with him sounds miserable. It does sound miserable.

We live in a blended family - DH and I were once both widowed, and we have various children, stepchildren, half-siblings etc. Is that worse than growing up in a household with parents who basically don't love each other? I don't know.

But the kids will notice, make no mistake about it. Would you want this empty shell of a relationship for your children, when they are older? Would you want your daughter to feel this way?

If we're going for anecdotes, my grandparents' marriage sounds a bit like yours. It blew up anyway when my dad was in his teens. I'd be very careful about staking everything on your ability to provide a 'stable home' for your kids in a long-term marriage, when you've married the wrong man.

Edited to say - I have ADHD. Your last post resonates hugely with me. Might be worth considering.

You've kind of misunderstood me, which is telling as it indicates you lack confidence. Your needs aren't too much and you show an enormous amount of self reflection which is wonderful. I don't doubt you're not perfect, maybe too needy (I know I can be!) But who is?! Furthermore you deserve to have someone who understands you and a relationship where you feel supported. And to add - some people are happy in surface level relationships. I wasn't. I'm glad mine ended. But that doesn't make either him or me wrong - just different.

I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. I started a referral to be assessed but the process is too long and byzantine where I live and I (unsurprisingly!) lost focus.

If you'll forgive me, a situation where both adults are widowed is very different to one where the other parent is still alive - the kids will only have one home and all grow up together and be with their surviving parent all the time. Obviously there will be the grief of losing a parent to contend with, and I'm very sorry for your and your childrens' loss. But the things I worry about for my children post separation (having no stable home, feeling split between two lives, feeling pushed out by siblings who get more of your parent than you do) don't occur.

i know the kids will notice, I KNOW that. I don't delude myself. I just think that what we are able to offer them together as co-parents in the same house is better than what we could offer as co-parents in separate homes. Nesting is another idea that appeals to me if things get desperate. But that's the thing it's not desperate; 90% of the drama is happening exclusively inside my own head.

I don't want them to model this relationship, of course I don't. But i also don't want them feeling so contingent and insecure and displaced in childhood that come adulthood they go grabbing at anyone no matter how unsuitable and clinging on because they are desperate for permanence and an illusory idea of love like I have been in the wake of my parents' separation. As a PP said above THERE IS NO GOOD OPTION HERE. They were doomed to some sort of trauma by dint of being born to him and me. But I honestly believe they are better off having a home that is theirs, parents that are there for them all the time, not having to live with a random adult who takes them on sufferance to get their dad, not feeling pushed out by subsequent siblings. I say better, not good. I am aware how much I've let them down and how much better they deserve, but with us as parents, this may be as good as it gets.

You've no idea how desperate that thought makes me; but it is self-indulgent for me to wallow in it. I have to look at what I have to work with and decide what's best for them given those limitations, and be ready to hear their anger about whichever choice I make when they are old enough to express it. That's the best thing I can do.

I've suggested this and he says he feels like it wouldn't be 'fair' because I am so readily wordy and articulate with my feelings and he isn't - he feels like it would just be me and the therapist ganging up on him basically. He HATES talking about his feelings.

I really feel for you. I do. You sound so trapped.

What you're grappling with is, in a way, a universal human thing. That often there isn't a perfect set of circumstances, but a choice between imperfect sets, or 'the lesser of two evils'.

Please remember that it isn't predictable - you can only follow one path. Growing up in a 'broken home' (as you call it) /blended families has, you feel, been damaging to you. But you also can't replay your childhood and say that damage wouldn't have been caused if your parents had stayed together (I am not saying you are saying that, btw).

So the same applies to your kids. You are making what you deem is the best judgement call with the information you have at this time. You'll never know the opposite path. Nor will your kids. Who's to say what the best choice is?

So if you are staying, it's all about managing to cope with the emptiness, isn't it? And I can only offer my own advice. I had to make my life as full and fulfilling as possible outside of the relationship, in order to cope. I stepped back. I fostered my friendships. I socialised without my partner. I found a new job that I loved. You have your lovely kids to focus on, and whatever else it is you enjoy in life. For now, those things will have to be enough. But please, please try not to waste your time trying to translate your soul for someone who fundamentally does not get you. This is very unlikely to change. You're just very different people.

I wish you all the best, I really do.

Thank you this is very very kind and you are quite right. I appreciate you taking the time to post it and I will come back to it.

I can step back, and I have to. I think deep down there's this fear of being 'culpable'; hence the duty sex, so it can't be 'my fault' that things are bad, even though obviously it isn't actually making anything better. I don't want to step back because then it feels like I'm giving up, that it's my fault things don't get better. Probably feeds into the decision-making re separating really - I don't want the negative outcomes of that active decision for the kids to be 'my fault', whereas the negative consequences to them of the passive decision to stay, taken by both of us, the responsibility is more diffuse and nebulous. But really, honestly, it is still and always will be 'my fault'; not acting is an action and it has an effect.

Thank you again for your input, I have found it helpful.

This, from @Emerald0897 -
So if you are staying, it's all about managing to cope with the emptiness, isn't it? And I can only offer my own advice. I had to make my life as full and fulfilling as possible outside of the relationship, in order to cope. I stepped back. I fostered my friendships. I socialised without my partner. I found a new job that I loved. You have your lovely kids to focus on, and whatever else it is you enjoy in life.

This is what works. Honestly it settles with time- initially it’s hard because we are trained to look for fulfilment with a partner. When you look elsewhere it gets easier. You stop feeling resentful, your needs are met, just not where you initially looked.
He may benefit from therapy alone, to help him understand other people’s inner world.

My DH has ASD. It took a while to realise, for both of us. I understand better what I can expect from him. Our DC are adults now and understand the dynamics of our relationship pretty well. Making an imperfect relationship work is its own success. As in, it does now work for both of us. We could have left and tried again, with no guarantee of success and all the risk you mention.

It’s not you, by the way. Your needs feel explosive because they are being repressed. It will settle, you aren’t a needy demanding woman, you are one with a backlog of unaddressed need.

He doesn't feel any of that guilt or shame though, does he? You're carrying a heavy burden of guilt needlessly. It's not your 'fault' for not having sex with him when you are so unhappy. You are not a bad person just for getting stuck in an unhappy relationship. We're back round to your OP.

Maybe there is no blame. It sounds like you two are incompatible. This is not crime of the century. People make mistakes. We all make mistakes, we are all human. You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Your children are not mistakes, and you wouldn't have them if you hadn't married him. So you are where you are.

I second this. This book helped me as a very strong empath to learn that I can only control my own behaviour and noone else's. However, by changing my behaviour I can have an affect on other's behaviour....it is a good book. I didn't do everything it advised but the general gist is very helpful xx

Oh my love. Also really felt and resonated with the thoughts in this post, as another poster already mentioned - I am also diagnosed ADHD and identify with the emotional intensity, feeling too much, researching all manner of ‘disorders’, and just god all the never ending thinking. It’s tortuous hell, and when desperately trying to figure out someone who isn’t giving you anything - well, you have my sympathies.

Right, how about therapy for yourself first, @Haemagoblin ? You say you need some understanding and sympathy in real life and a therapist could so help with this. Take your husband out of this scenario all together for now. It feels like you need someone on your side to help you to find acceptance and confidence in yourself and your voice first before anything else happens. It would be a first step in putting yourself first and exploring how your family history and psychological make up has led you to this point (and has coloured your feelings around responsibility and guilt) but also how to stand firm in who you are and what you need (you are not too much) and how to change some of the dynamics and ways of thinking and being that you are currently stuck with. Like another poster said, it sounds like there is a fundamental lack of honest and confident communication going on for fear of upset, for fear of being too much, but this just means you are taking all that thinking on yourself and it is drowning you, it will destroy you. It is also not all your responsibility, and you can’t solve or control this on your own. And like you say you have better things to be doing! It needs to get out of your head, and if that can’t be with your husband now, a good therapist can help. And they can help be an outlet for that anger - it sounds like it needs space to be heard and held by someone if that can’t be your husband right now.
I do understand your reasoning behind a lot of your perspectives on what you don’t want to happen but you present future scenarios in quite a fixed, passive and pre determined way, beyond your control. I am often the same (comes from a place of fear and lack of confidence for me but I am very skilled at gathering ‘evidence’ to justify this kind of pessimistic fortune telling!) and it requires a lot of work and courage to break free and imagine and put into action different trajectories. Like you say, you are intelligent, imaginative, creative and that shines through in your writing - I think you could really benefit from a therapeutic space which allows you to use all of those amazing qualities to research, discuss and reimagine a future way of being and living that meets your needs and your children's. It really doesn’t have to be a zero sum game, and there isn’t a predestined outcome to any decision - staying or leaving - you make. Use that intelligence and creativity and need for connection and that fierce, protective love for your children to work on reimagining your immediate future more expansively.

OP you sound like a very intelligent and articulate woman. I know this sounds weird but I’d love to talk to you about this properly! I have so much to say!

Has it never occurred to you, as an intelligent woman, that all this overthinking and anxiety is situational? That there is nothing wrong with you, you’re having an understandable reaction to a shit situation? You’re trying to think your way out of everything and have come to the conclusion that overthinking is stemmed to a broken home and therefore you can’t do that to your kids and therefore you have to stay.
What if overthinking is your reaction to a shit relationship? Do you know for definite that it’s your upbringing that has caused it? Are you always this way or only when you’re in a less than ideal situation? If it’s the latter, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you.

Have you tried asking your partner why he doesn’t want to share? My ExH was like this. The sex thing was the same as well. Yes we had a lot of interesting conversations but he would only share his feelings when he was angry and it would come out in a nasty way. I left, we had a three year old at the time. I decided that it would be better to leave while he was young.

Now, my ex and I are actually very good friends. We talk a lot. Our boy lives with both of us 50/50 but we see each other a lot so we do all hang out together sometimes. We are on the same page regarding no blended family. He has opened up to me a lot more since we have a friendship dynamic, rather than a relationship one. He said the reason he never spoke about his feelings before was because he was too proud to. This is common theme among men, I find. They want to be the strong and stable one and showing any kind of weakness or vulnerability is just not something they can comprehend.

Is your partner more open with anyone else in his life or is he like this with everyone? What have you observed from his other relationships- perhaps with friends or family?

I have found your thread very interesting.

I am in a very long marriage, which has had huge peaks and troughs over the years. I won't go into it too much on your thread but, like you, I am committed to the marriage and really, really hope that our relationship lasts until DC is fully independent.

Two things that I have found helpful are firstly, as described above, developing the other aspects and relationships within your life. But, with a note of caution, that you would be vulnerable (I would say very vulnerable) to others looking to exploit that emotional gap, especially men. The second is thinking about things more in the round and trying to view your DH holistically, especially in relation to the idea of love languages. My DH (who is also prone to withdrawing) is not verbally affectionate towards me, but will spend hours scouring the internet for a spare part to fix something as soon as it breaks. Or booking us a perfect holiday. Or finding me something that I need, almost as soon as I describe the problem. So his love language is 'acts of service'. Over the years, I have come to find it helpful to consider the positives far more frequently than the negatives.

Finally, bear in mind that everyone comes to a thread like this with their own lens and may be seeking to validate their own decisions in the advice that they post.

A lot of your post resonated with me, in particular the overthinking and need to ‘fix’ things. I’m the same and spent lots of time on energy trying to work out the best way forwards and feeing like if only I think hard enough I’ll find the magic solution to make everyone happy. Sometimes that works out and I manage to think of a way to solve a particular problem but most often I can’t because there isn’t a solution and even if there is it needs other people to work on it too. It’s exhausting and destructive.

I’m also having a rough spell in my marriage. We had a real crisis last year and it made me see how much responsibility I had taken on. Like you I was terribly upset by his unhappiness and we’d fallen into a dynamic where he’d only need to show his unhappiness and I’d step in to solve his problem. But that was exhausting for me and to be honest, infantilising for him.

So I’m trying to stop doing that. I’m having therapy which is very useful and I’m working on “holding space” for me which is turn gives him the chance to meet me as an adult. Basically I’m no longer trying to find a solution, I’m focusing my energy on filling my life with fulfilling things and letting him solve his own problems (if he can). You’ve told your DH exactly what he needs to do to have more sex with you (build an emotional connection). He’s choosing not to do that as there are other techniques he finds easier (being a moody sod). But that’s his choice. Your choice is whether you want to keep having sex with him under these circumstances - it sounds like you don’t and that’s fair enough. It is then up to him whether he wants to build an emotional connection and hence be more likely to have physical intimacy with you but you can’t control that.

To be honest the other thing that helped me is that he treated me quite badly during our crisis and that chipped away at my love for him. Having that bit of extra emotional distance has helped me to feel less guilt and responsibility. I do still feel incredibly sad and like it’s all my fault and that if only I were xy and z then everything would be hunky dory. But I am challenging that too and gently reminding myself that wanting love, respect and connection from a partner is not too much to ask for.

Also just to add, I am a lot more open to the idea of separating if it comes down to it. I’m giving things a go as I would like us to stay together if we can, but I am also making sure I have some savings in my own name, a good support network etc. I’ve noticed my DC are a lot happier now I’m focusing more on my own needs and that’s reassuring me that if we did split they would benefit from me being happy and I could create a safe and happy home for us even if it’s not ideal. My parents split when I was a late teen and they really should have done it years before so I’m keen not to repeat that pattern.

You don’t need to decide to leave your DH. You can just gently give yourself permission to put your own needs first for a bit and see where that leads you. It could naturally rebalance things with your DH and if not then you’ll be in a stronger place to do what’s right for you and your DC whether that’s staying or splitting.

One more thought - you come across as very insightful about your own feelings and where they’re coming from. That’s one of the benefits of all that thinking you do. But what I’m working on in therapy is that recognising why you do/feel certain things is actually the easy part, the hard part is using that knowledge to change your behaviours when they’re not serving you. I’d really recommend therapy if you can afford it as I’ve found it so useful to have a skilled person gently challenge me to do things differently

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for a long time. I even thought it was all my fault. I was too timid to rock the boat and although I wanted to leave for many years, I didn’t think I could.

I thought I could endure, until I couldn’t.

You have your own reasons for deciding to stay and that’s your choice.

But I would suggest you “get your ducks in a row” now just in case that point comes sooner than you think.

Best of luck.

I haven't read full thread but saw your posts up to the one about him writing a novel but not talking to you about it, and only playing an instrument if you're out. It sounds as if he's self conscious or shy or lacking in confidence and this is causing him to retreat into himself.

When you told him what you'd prefer in bed he became defensive.

My guess is that he's lost confidence and this is causing him to retreat further away from you. The more he retreats, the more annoyed you get with him (even if you don't always show it he'll feel it) and the more that happens the more he retreats.

He's not mature enough to understand that childbirth and child rearing changes a woman's sex drive and probably thinks you've gone off him.

I'd suggest couple therapy of some sort, not that I've ever tried it myself.

It's hard because you need to tell him how you feel but that will probably damage his confidence further which will achieve the opposite of your desired outcome. Which is why I suggested therapy. It isn't fair on you, his survival modes are unhelpful, if he keeps running away from hard feelings he'll keep damaging your relationship.