DW holiday AIBU?

[applestrudelish]

3 years ago DW went abroad in the summer with school friends for a week. We have 2 young DC and the 2 friends she went with are both single and have no DC. I took a weeks holiday from work to watch DC and was happy for DW.

It seems to have become an annual event and each year I take a week of my annual leave to watch the kids. My issue is I only get 4 weeks annual leave a year (plus bank holidays) and so it feels like this annual holiday eats into a chunk of family time.

I have no issue with DW going away with friends (they also do a few city breaks a year), or the money, and I myself go away for 2 weekends a year for a hobby with my friends (which requires me to use two half day holidays).

Last month we booked a week holiday to Spain for this summer, but last night DW announced she'd booked a week holiday with friends 10 days before our holiday. So DW will arrive back and then 3 days later we fly off. I feel this takes a bit of the gloss and excitement away from our family holiday.

I feel like a holiday every other year with friends would be fairer (as DW does go away for a handful of weekend trips with the same friends on top of this abroad trip). WIBU to suggest this in for future? Our life is otherwise great so not sure if IABU?

Yanbu.

I understand that your wife needs a break, but no, I wouldn't be putting up with my DH taking a week every year, unless he organised childcare.

Long weekends are different.

Take a week abroad on your own.

I think it's really bad form that she booked the holiday and only told you after the fact. I would discuss that sort of thing with my husband at the planning stage, particularly if our DC were young enough that I needed him to take time off work to look after them!

I'm all for having your own time and interests and have often had breaks away with friends but only since DC have got older (they are older teens now) But I wouldn't have booked a holiday so close in time to another family holiday. This sounds like a communication problem more than anything. Have you voiced any of these concerns to her?

She needs to come up with a different childcare option if she wants to go. That's not fair on you.

Is DW a SAHM, and are your children pre-school age (so that you literally are spending a week looking after them)? If so, I agree that a week every year is a lot - I think she needs to think of another approach (long weekends) or organise different childcare.
Unless you get a week to yourself as well (which it sounds like you don't from your OP)?

Agree it's unfair. Do you get similar opportunities to bugger off for a week every year?

If she really must go, is there any reason she couldn't do a long weekend/city break to avoid you having to eat into your annual leave quite so much?

Her priorities are wrong imo.

Well yeah my thought process was if I also took a week off we'll only have two weeks of family time a year (1 week at Xmas, and 1 in the summer). DC are both in primary and DW gets a lot more holidays than myself.

Do you really need to take the full week off if they're primary age? Do you work ridiculous hours/have a long commute?

I haven't really voiced my concern as such as DW usually prefaces the conversation with 'I was planning to go to insert holiday with friends in Summer. It's X years since friend lost her dad and so this will be a good lift for her'. So I feel I can't really saying anything without coming across as insensitive. Again as DW friend has no immediate partner or DC I feel it would come across as extra insensitive.'

The holiday then gets booked on a whim and crazy cheap flight prices are cited as the reason.

Is there any reason she can't go in term time? Or can you use holiday clubs then you wouldn't need to take annual leave

Just get her to do it in school time then you don't yave to take as much leave. Not fair using up your annual leave

Only 1 set of living parents who tour erope in their motorhome fo the summer, so otherwise have no additional childcare.

So she's going in the summer holidays?

What's the problem looking after your kids for a week? If you need to work then put them into summer school/camp?

She's selfish and she's taking advantage of your good nature.

She knows exactly what she's doing but is counting on you not objecting.

I'd be have a conversation about this.

You need to work it so you both enjoy similar leisure time without disproportionally impacting your reduced leave balance.

It's not teamwork otherwise.

Yea, I also don't understand why you have to take a whole week off if the kids are in school, or if they are off for the summer just put them in a holiday club. It sounds like you are being a bit of a martyr here.

DW friends both work in schools. Hadn't thought of holiday clubs but we're very rural so not sure what they have locally. Thanks for the suggestion though as I'll look into that.

Yes

Is she a teacher? If not can she go in June or September so the weather is still good but you don't need to take annual leave. And if she is a teacher she could go at Easter if the kids could stay with grandparents

Or alternatively- so your holiday isn't being wasted, could you take the kids away somewhere during that week? Camping or centre parcs maybe in UK or Belgium/northern france

But can you not muddle through a week with after school clubs, play dates, baby sitters etc.
With school age children there should be ways to manage without using a full week of annual leave.

I know families where both parents do this often + family time and others where this would be unheard of. So impossible to say if it's unreasonable or not.

Also if you're taking a week off and your kids are school it's not like you just have to sit around - you can make your own good time.

I'm not one for going away on my own / with friends but my god every time I do I come back so restored in ways I'd forgotten I needed and it's so brilliant so not necessarily automatically unfair to prioritise a bit of that.

In that case I would be looking at holiday club or linking up with another parent to do some shared childcare. That way you might only need to take a day or 2 leave. Or you could get a childminder for the week.
Encourage her to pick a different school holiday so grandparents are around/ that would be a good compromise.
Or, and this is what I actually would do- I'd book a few days away with the kids at the same time and make the most being on annual lead if I had to take the full week off.

I wouldn't take the time off, try organising wrap around care for the week.
Hire a babysitter.

I'd be pissed off at that. However does she pick up loads more of the day to day childcare than you?

Did she not even check the dates with you this time?

I dunno why you need a week of leave if dc are school aged. Look into holiday clubs if it's been booked for the holidays and from now on she only takes holidays in school time.

I'd also be making a point of having a week off to myself. Sod family time.

Plus the week that's she is off go away with the kids. Perhaps join your DPs in Europe. I holiday with the dc whilst DH works. It beats staying at home with them.

No problems looking after my kids for a week, I value family time. That's my issue I only get 4 weeks off a year so these holidays are taking up 25% of our family time. DW gets 8 or 9 weeks a year. youngest DC is 5 so not sure how they'd fair in summer school/camp, but again I'll look into it.

I don't understand anyone who thinks they can book time off and leave their partner to look after the kids without considering logistics, annual leave etc. So the week away is not, intrinsically, the issue (depending on variables like finances, family issues etc), but just booking it like that is. For example, whenever I've worked in an office, if I took a week off and then came back for three days and then took another week off, that wouldn't look good. So are you even going to be able to manage the time off that she now wants you to take?

Have you never said, "hang on, it's a full week's leave which means I don't have much left for other things or family activities?" And if not, why not? I do think if you only get 20 days a year, to be taking 5 every year to accomodate her taking time off seems a bit much.

How do you usually handle school holidays though? Because putting aside that she is off on a jolly, there's another 10 weeks or so of them a year - how does that get managed usually?