DW holiday AIBU?

[applestrudelish]

3 years ago DW went abroad in the summer with school friends for a week. We have 2 young DC and the 2 friends she went with are both single and have no DC. I took a weeks holiday from work to watch DC and was happy for DW.

It seems to have become an annual event and each year I take a week of my annual leave to watch the kids. My issue is I only get 4 weeks annual leave a year (plus bank holidays) and so it feels like this annual holiday eats into a chunk of family time.

I have no issue with DW going away with friends (they also do a few city breaks a year), or the money, and I myself go away for 2 weekends a year for a hobby with my friends (which requires me to use two half day holidays).

Last month we booked a week holiday to Spain for this summer, but last night DW announced she'd booked a week holiday with friends 10 days before our holiday. So DW will arrive back and then 3 days later we fly off. I feel this takes a bit of the gloss and excitement away from our family holiday.

I feel like a holiday every other year with friends would be fairer (as DW does go away for a handful of weekend trips with the same friends on top of this abroad trip). WIBU to suggest this in for future? Our life is otherwise great so not sure if IABU?

I think the timing is the problem - if it wasn’t in the summer holidays, you could just use wrap around, and wouldn’t need the whole week off work.

I think it’s important that you both get time away - if you’re having two long weekends a year, then it seems fair that she has something comparable, which the week away would be if not in the school hols. Or could she do two weekends away like you do?

So it seems a bit six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Term time fine, holidays no.

The holiday is usually around the same 2 weeks in the summer and coincides with the anniversary DW friend lost a parent. DW friend has no partner or DC and is a teacher hence it's restricted to a certain time of year.

I agree if it wasn't for the school holidays I wouldn't mind as I'd retain annual leave. DC are 5 and 6 and both are a bit shy so not sure how great they'd do in a holiday camp. I'll have a look into paid childcare options though.

Your kids are your family so you are having family time. If your DW gets 8-9 weeks off then she does the majority of holiday time with your kids on her own so it's only fair you do one week too.

You say you go away for two weekends a year with your hobby; what is your hobby and how much time do you spend on it?

For example, if every Saturday you spend 9-5 at the golf course (or whatever), then in just seven weeks, she's earned 7 days to spend by herself and if she's chosen to spend that on a holiday, so be it. You obviously can't complain about her missing "family time" if you miss large chunks doing a hobby each week.

However, if you go to the gym for an hour twice a week and she does the same, then the additional week's holiday for her seems a bit much every year.

You have 4 weeks per year, she has double that . You say you're quite happy for her to go away but the issue is that it eats into 25% of your annual leave. But it's always going to do that whilst you have such rubbish leave compared to her.
I'm assuming she does the childcare on the remaining weeks of her annual leave.
I think you should get a better job with better leave, and then as you say yourself, you'd be fine with it.

Yean this was my thought too. I would never book a holiday without checking with my DH first - I don't even book a yoga class without checking!

Seems like the ultimate combination of presumption and poor communication on her part. I'd feel upset too OP. What if you behaved the same way and had already booked to be away for your hobby 10 days before? I'm not sure she'd be understanding or accepting of you acting like a lone ranger.

Is there a way you'd feel able to gently but clearly tell her how you feel?

Are you joking???
I can’t imagine even saying this sort of rubbish to my DH and believe me he is very considerate in terms of me needing breaks.
Next time your DW does this, say you need to think and check, come back to us and we will find you an appropriate answer. Because it’s a piss take of the highest level .
Sorry for my language.

I'm a bit confused. So she gets 8 weeks holiday a year? 2 of those are family weeks that you do stuff as a family. 1 she uses for a trip with friends. And the other five? I assume she uses those to look after the children in their school holidays (outside of the two weeks that you take as a family).

I'm going to reiterate here - her taking the time is NOT the problem. The problem is that she's not discussing with you when its convenient. Is this something you're both guilty of? eg your hobby weekends away - do you discuss those with her in advance to check they're convenient for her or do you both tend to just book and assume the other one will step up (and just because she isn't working on weekends doesn't mean thsoe weekends are necesarily convenient ones for her so it is absolutely the same if you just book and tell her as her just booking and telling you).

I'm wondering if there's a bit of a pattern you've fallen into here as a couple where perhaps she is the default holiday/weekend parent and so she takes this time. When really, a sensible conversation between the two of you about how you handle booking trips away would make far more sense.

Does DW have them on her own for most of the school holidays? Whilst you're working? That does balance things out a bit I guess.

I wouldn't want to go away without my DC every yr for a week personally but I do all the entertaining of my 3 every school holiday (I work in a school) so I can see that if she's doing that on her own a break might be balancing it a bit.

Maybe the way you should frame it to your wife is that it is fine for her to go away every year. But that you're no longer prepared to take a week's annual leave for it.

She needs to book holiday childcare for them and that you will do drop off, pick up and look after the kids out of before/after/at the weekend.

Put it back into her lap. As others have said, this is the time of year when there are extra forms of childcare available through summer camps, holiday clubs etc. Let her source them.

Exept she's using most of her annual leave (minimum 5 weeks of her leave by my read, possibly more) to look after the children in the school holidays? So why is it okay for him to say he won't do it?

The more I think about this, the more I think that while her communication and approach is wrong, it's really not unreasonable for her to have one one week a year where she doesn't have to be the one responsible for the children.

And why must SHE source childcare? Maybe she feels as she's responsible for it the rest of the time, this one week a year HE can do the work?

I agree with this.

Nobody should be making arrangements for things that impact their partner without prior discussion.

And an annual trip because someone's parent died how many years ago seems like an excuse. She doesn't need an excuse. What she does need to be is more considerate of your leave.

Why is it up to you to work out the logistics of her being away for a week? I get that she has more holiday than you but that is taking the P rather. She has got children, they don't. I think you have been really accommodating in the past and she's taking advantage and it sounds like now its assumed you will be taking holiday the same time. Can you take your DC away somewhere where there are kids clubs? Some European breaks are great for single parent families - which is what you will be for a week!

If your DC are school age, what happens during the rest of the school holidays? I agree with a PP - you taking ONE week to look after your DC in the school holidays seems fair if she's doing all the other weeks.

She shouldn't be booking it without discussion though. What if you had a big project at work that week or, if your office is like mine, summer holiday schedules need the negotiating skills of a diplomat to make work.

But if she isn't taking leave as such but her leave is imposed on her at those times then it's a bit different. If she's always off at the same time as her children then of course it's down to her to look after them

Does the OP and his ~DW get equal weekends away and equal downtime in the week?

Do you not have to split annual leave to cover all of the holidays? Me and my partner never get a week off together as we have to spread our annual leave for childcare. If she has 8-9 weeks holiday that’s not enough to cover all of the school holidays so surely you have to use some of yours separately to cover some holidays? Only using your annual leave for family time is a bit of a luxury so could you not just reframe it as this is your week off to look after the kids? Surely she must have to book annual leave to cover childcare in the holidays whilst you are at work?

I think that's a bit unfair. So because her leave (assuming she's a teacher or similar) is over school holidays, she must just use it all for looking after the children? I DO think she should be communicating and agreeing it with him rather than just announcing the dates - that smacks of selfishness.

However, someone else asked how his weekends are booked and if he negotiates those with her? It reminded me of DH - he had an astonishingly annoying habit of accepting extra shifts on the weekend on the assumption that I'm at home and therefore could manage the DC. But he wasn't thinking about, for example, the fact that often our weekends required two adults to accomodate DCs' different activities. Or that perhaps I might also want some actual downtime. He's much better about it now but I won't lie, in addition to talking to him, I also had to do it to him a few times before he actually got it.

But the DW is having weekends away and the whole week, so even by dropping the week it’s “equal”.

Not sure what the issue is other than poor timing!
Spending a week with DC on your own isn't something monstrous or some kind of hardship.

If money isn't an issue can you take a weeks parental leave over the summer?

If DW uses her annual leave to look after the dc in school holidays then it's fair that you do too. The issue is you only get 4 weeks per year.

She really should've had a convo with you first.

In all honesty, this is going to be a hard habit to break. Your wife clearly want this annual trip very much. She will already be fully aware of the way it eats into family time, but wants to prioritise doing it anyway. At best if you raise this you may get a reluctant agreement to do it every two years, but I doubt very much if that will mean you'll have an extra week of family fun. More like resentment because she'd rather be elsewhere. You can by all means suggest it. But I don't fancy your chances. Especially when her mates started planning the next one. You could of course make it less easy by saying you're not taking leave and she needs to sort childcare, but if you have joint finances that's coming out of your pocket as much as hers, and is that what you'd want for DC anyway? You will also not be Mr Popular. I guess you need to ask, be prepared for a no, and consider if this is the hill you want to die on.

Because he wants them to spend his limited (4 weeks) annual leave as a family. So she can get the best of both worlds this way. Have her hol and also have that week with family.

I'm still puzzled by the set up here. DW gets 8 or 9 weeks of holiday.
You get 4.
You both use 2 weeks as family time.

Your children don't habitually go to holiday clubs, so who is covering the rest of the school holidays?

Assuming the DC go to grandparents or friends or something, the situation is that for the rest of the holidays DW looks after the DC for most of the time, you look after them for a week while she's away, and you have 2 weeks family time. I think this is quite normal amongst families with school age children that they have to take opposite leave. The difference is that DW takes a week to use entirely for herself, whereas OP gets no such time off (and couldn't take any in any case because he doesn't have enough leave).

I think you need alternative childcare, or to accept that your family time is only a week. (Again, not unusual with primary school age children).

Completely off topic, but given schools are off for 12/13 weeks a year, how are you managing without school clubs anyway?

Because presumably you'd have had to take separate weeks leave anyway to manage school hols?