DW holiday AIBU?

[applestrudelish]

3 years ago DW went abroad in the summer with school friends for a week. We have 2 young DC and the 2 friends she went with are both single and have no DC. I took a weeks holiday from work to watch DC and was happy for DW.

It seems to have become an annual event and each year I take a week of my annual leave to watch the kids. My issue is I only get 4 weeks annual leave a year (plus bank holidays) and so it feels like this annual holiday eats into a chunk of family time.

I have no issue with DW going away with friends (they also do a few city breaks a year), or the money, and I myself go away for 2 weekends a year for a hobby with my friends (which requires me to use two half day holidays).

Last month we booked a week holiday to Spain for this summer, but last night DW announced she'd booked a week holiday with friends 10 days before our holiday. So DW will arrive back and then 3 days later we fly off. I feel this takes a bit of the gloss and excitement away from our family holiday.

I feel like a holiday every other year with friends would be fairer (as DW does go away for a handful of weekend trips with the same friends on top of this abroad trip). WIBU to suggest this in for future? Our life is otherwise great so not sure if IABU?

I think that we're not getting the whole story. DW is currently covering ALL school holidays. OP is, understandably, annoyed that his wife is swanning off on trips without discussing with him or agreeing a mutually satisfactory solution. But I deeply suspect OP also doesn't really have any idea how much effort and sacrifice his DW might already be making and that she sees this week as "payback".

DW can't be covering all school holidays with her leave unless she is a teacher/term time only job. Which it doesn't sound like she is as OP refers to her as having 8 weeks' holiday

This sounds like a very typical arrangement for a family with 2 primary school aged children tbh.

When my DC were that age, I had 6 weeks holiday and DH had 4 weeks. We had 8 days off together (5 days family holiday in the summer, 3 days between Christmas and New Year). Every single other day of annual leave was split to cover as much as the school holidays as possible, with the odd day or 2 kept back to cover school events/illness etc. Taking annual leave at the same time, but not using it for family holiday, for a whole week would have been seen as an incredible luxury - as well as the going away holiday cost it would have cost a whole week's extra childcare, plus the associated hassle of finding something the DC would tolerate, easy to get to, organising drop offs etc.

Of course families are free to do different things as suit them, but it sounds like OP is not happy, so this arrangement doesn't suit this family.

Personally I'd rather look after my children in the school holidays than work at a paid job and have less holiday, so I think DW gets the better end of the deal, even before a week's holiday with friends.

Can you take extra time off unpaid? If DW covers the cost of this?
I used to work for somewhere where you could buy extra annual leave days

Make the week into something special that the children look forward to every year - the week they have adventures with daddy. You could turn this to your advantage then everyone wins.
The relationship and interaction you have with your children when your wife is there will be different compared to when she is not. It's not necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just a different dynamic.
Your wife spends more time with the children alone than you do. They've built bonds based on that which you don't and can't share. This is your chance to build your own. It's still family time. Just a different sort of family time. Don't undervalue it.

Appreciate all the responses and feedback and apologies I haven't replied back sooner. I'll provide some further details about our set up to try and answer questions.

I get 4 weeks holiday and DW gets 8 weeks holiday annually. The way we previously worked our holidays was I would take 2 weeks in summer, 1 week at Xmas and either 1 week at Easter or 1 week in October. DW would take the same weeks as myself and in addition use the other 4 weeks in summer (so DW takes 6 weeks total in summer).

Housework/cooking etc is shared equally.

My hobby takes up 1 fixed evening per week (no weekends) which I leave for at 6pm and return 10pm. On this night DW puts DC to bed. DW has no set clubs but likewise takes any other evening of her choosing each week to visit friend, read a book in a cafe, go for a massage, take a long bath. I put DC to bed on this night.

Twice a year (Feb/Nov) I go away for my hobby which is a 2.5hr drive away. I leave midday Friday (take half day leave) and return around 5pm Sunday. DW sees a show once a year and likewise is away Fri-Sun usually returning 10pm Sunday (due to show being 5hr train drive away). DW also usually does 1 or 2 overnight shopping trips spreadout over the year.

So as things go we're pretty balanced in having a bit of time to ourselves each week and a couple of excursions with friends over the year.

What has changed in the last 3 years is on one of DW 6 weeks in summer she goes away with her friends but this is also 1 of the weeks of summer I'm on holiday. So my issue is I enjoy spending my 4 weeks leave with both DW and DC, but atm I get 4 weeks with DC but only 3 weeks with DW.

Perhaps I should look at alternative childcare so DW can use one of her summer weeks that I'm working on to go away with friends?

Also for those that say she does bulk of childcare in summer and I need to get a better job with more annual leave. Yes DW does bulk of childcare in summer but I'm working on those days not sitting doing nothing. Also I earn more than DW and our finances are split so I pay proportionally more of the bills and we both have roughly equal money to spend on ourselves (although we count stuff like make up and haricuts under joint bills as DW naturally costs more). Therefore, in my mind her extra time with DC is offset by my earning more and paying more bills. As everything else is even surely time to ourselves for holidays shouuld be even?

As I say the issue isn't the going away per say it's that I now lose 25% of my annual leave with both DW and DC together.

I definitely try and fill the week with fun stuff to do - chocolate factory, national parks etc but always stuff within a reasonable driving distance.

I think the thing that's probably bugged me most about this year, and perhaps why I decided to bring it up, is the proximity of the holiday with DW friends to our holiday. Last year we didn't get chance to go abroad so this is the first proper summer holiday in 2 years.

I've been excited and have been scouting for deals for around 4 months. So when we finally booked something a few weeks ago I've been buzzing every since. But now DW is going 10 days before we travel feels like it's stripped the gloss a little bit. Usually when we return from our summer holiday we have a bit of a detox as a week of drinking most days take it's toll on us. I'm imagining after a week of drinking with friends DW might be a little less up for the drinking and later evenings when we go away a few days later.

Have you looked into unpaid parental leave to get more time off? https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

obviously the big downside is that it’s unpaid. But it is a way of getting more leave time, and I think your employer has to agree to it - though timing can be negotiated. I took an extra week unpaid every year for quite a few years when kids were little.

How many weeks of her annual leave does she use each year to provide childcare? What normally happens in the summer holidays?

Edited, just saw your update. So she gets 8 weeks leave and uses 4 of them to provide childcare, you get 4 weeks, and don't want to use any of them to provide childcare? I'm not sure that's fair.

Surely you'd be thinking - how lovely to be able to spend a week every year just you and the kids. What lovely bonding time for you. And given your children's ages are quite close, you could have some great adventures with them. I think it's healthy for children to have time with parents separately and it breaks you out of any roles you may have inadvertently formed eg you always being the one to pack the car or your wife always being the one who remembers the snacks or whatever. You still get three weeks a year with both you and your wife present which many other families are not able to manage. I think you should reframe this in your mind and take the opportunity to make some amazing memories with your kids.
Your wife gets more annual leave than you which is "unfair" but sounds like it can't be helped.

But for the 4 weeks DW is providing childcare I'm working FT and using my higher salary to pay more bills and balance personal spend with DW. So how is that unfair? I don't have more personal time or money as a result?

As I said my issue is a 1 week holiday with friends EVERY summer seems a bit much. Especially on the eve of our first family holiday in 2 years. If I used 1 week of my annual leave to have a summer holiday with friends as well we would never be able to have a family summer holiday, which is surely unfair on the DC?

So DW will arrive back and then 3 days later we fly off. I feel this takes a bit of the gloss and excitement away from our family holiday.

This sounds really controlling.

It sounds like she has school holidays so going abroad is a bit of a red herring imo. It’s reasonable for you to use 1 week of your annual leave to look after your children during the 6 week summer holiday.

As I said, I'm not sure is fair, and that's what I meant.
You may well get a higher salary, and you use that to pay more towards the bills. She gets more holiday, and she uses that to provide childcare. Presumably you don't pay ALL the bills, despite earning more, she still contributes, so why does the same not apply for holiday? She takes on the bulk, but you still have to provide your share.

Technically I could take 4 weeks unpaid leave a year, watch the DC whilst DW was away and then take my own 1 week holiday. The result would be increased bonding time, increased family time, and increased personal time for me, and overall equality for both DW and myself. However, this would impact finances so that we probably couldn't then afford a holiday each every year and finances would be tighter in general.

So would you say that would be a selfish choice to make even though it creates a balance? NB I'd never do that it's for arguments sake.

What's really controlling sorry?

Expecting a summer holiday to not be so close to the family one, because past experience indicates DW will likely be more tired, go to bed early every other night and be less enthusiastic if she had otherwise space the holidays apart more?

You say it's reasonable for me to use 1 week annual leave to look after the DC, so is it also reasonable for me to use another 1 week annual leave to have a personal holiday with friends and therby meaning DC never get a family summer holiday?

I think the totally logical work around is that Mum sources childcare for her weeks hol. Dad will do all drop offs/pick ups/before & after care but work during the day. It's a compromise. He's on his own with the kids while she's away BUT doesn't use a week's annual leave for it (because he doesn't get a lot) and Mum still gets her girls holiday.

I think her holiday with friends should also come after your family holiday if she isn't going to be fully energised for it. A week that's full on with the kids and relaxing with you in the evenings should take priority. She could have her holiday with friends afterwards. I know you said it's normally earlier because of one friends' bereavement several years ago but I'm sure this adjustment could be made now.
I agree, you also need to have childcare for the week she is away.

Have you tried talking to her and expressing (spelling out) your concerns?

Ne and my husband both have regular long weekend away with friends, no problem.

But a week away is too much leave and money just for one family member to have a holiday.

I think your arrangement is perfectly fair but I would take the approach that you need a discussion to say that you don't want to sacrifice time off with her and for her to take a week solo travel out of her 4 weeks solo childcare. Then as a couple you need to find suitable childcare for that week so you can work and manage the kids while she is away. That's fair. There are financial consequences obviously for you all as a family but the presumption that you can use a week of your leave whenever she deems it fit, is rude.

What she appears to have done is booked a third week of holiday [just after you booked two weeks away as a family] within days of it without discussion on the basis that you will be allowed to take that week as annual leave too, during the summer holidays. There are quite a few employers who would take a dim view.

She's booked it without discussion. It's for her to find and source a solution and together for you to pay for it.

I'd be annoyed she booked a holiday without discussing it. What if you couldn't get leave approved from your work to watch the children. Then you would have to find alternative care arrangements.

Your wife obviously has more leave than you do, but I think you are being a bit disingenuous about yours.

You say that you only have 4 weeks holiday but you also get an additional 8 days bank holiday.

If you take a week off at Christmas, 2 days of that week will be bank holidays, 3 if you include New Year's Day. That means you will only be using 3 days of holiday during that period, not 5 or 6.

That gives you more time that can be used in the summer with your wife and children.

Interesting how now people are putting her side over things are escalating - she's "tired" when she comes back, you earn more etc.

I do still think discussion re timing should be joint hut you are coming across more and more like you just don't want her to havr this time away.

And her going on holiday too close to the family holiday “dulls the shine of the family holiday” like what on earth?!

I can understand how OP feels. This year the timing is just taking the piss completely. DW is going on a jolly with her mates, probably living it up, late nights, lotsa cocktails etc. etc. and then returns and has to get the first holiday suitcase unpacked, washed and sorted, then repack for the next one in three days. I don't blame OP feeling miffed about that. It sounds to me like she is taking complete advantage of your good nature.

If this was a DH doing this on his DW there would be outrage.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. No problem about going away with her friends, but you absolutely need (as a team member here) to be involved in the dates and timing of her week away.

It has to start with a chat. Her response to a reasonable discussion will tell you whether she cares enough to engage in a compromise.

I think this is what people are saying is controlling.
You want to deny her a nice time with her friends so that the family holiday seems like more of a treat.
That's what is controlling.
I also think that you talking about earning more is giving 'off vibes'. It is irrelevant. She will have taken a hit on her salary to have a job with more leave and more availablity for the children, leaving you less days per year where you need to navigate childcare in the holidays.
There are so many people reading this thread who will have had to sort holiday childcare (including those whose children are shy and live in rural areas 🙄)since they were babies.
You just seem appalled at having to navigate this instead of the default childcare appliance your wife sorting it all out for you.