To be annoyed by DH phone scrolling

[Carryingcarrying]

Every night when we go to bed, DH will sit on his phone and scroll. For like an hour - light on on his phone. I just feel like I can’t relax or sleep. It’s the little movements, light from the phone and knowing he’s up. I told him to stop last night and he slept on the sofa but I’m fed up and want to put a no device in bed rule. I find it really selfish. AIBU? I wouldn’t mind 5 mins but coming to bed with no intention and keeping the other person up feels so selfish to me. I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake.

You don’t see that it’s also quite selfish for you to impose a no device in bed rule because YOU don’t like it?

That would annoy me. I hate mindless scrolling. I also really value the time when my partner and I go to bed where we can chat together and drift off to sleep.

I guess you can’t expect him to go to sleep just because you are going to sleep. What about if he read or watched tv, would you feel differently? Spare room could be an option so you can both do as you want and go to sleep when you want. Might work a few days of the week.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to scroll on your phone yourself, or to expect him to keep the light turned right down, but you’re being unreasonable to expect him to act exactly as you do. Laying down ‘rules’ while in an adult relationship isn’t, I fear, overly reasonable.
This sentence, particularly, is daft; ‘I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake.‘

Just tell him to turn the light down on his phone. And saying you can't sleep if you know he's up is controlling as fuck. My DH doesn't care if I'm sat in bed with a lamp on reading at 3am. Because when I sleep is not up to him.

Get an eye mask so the light doesn’t disturb you.

If he was reading a book/kindle would it annoy you so much?

Could DH relax in another room until he's ready to sleep? I can see how the light would be annoying while trying to fall asleep.

You can’t sleep knowing he’s awake ,sounds like a you problem.

I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake. Expecting him to go to sleep because of this or telling him this would be really controlling. It's not up to you when he sleeps and it's not his responsibility to go to bed when you want so you can sleep. The use of a mobile in the room if that disturbs your sleep could be up for discussion, but it's not up to you to just ban it. You could use an eye mask. He could use a screen filter to reduce the light. If it's an issue discuss, but leave out the unreasonable bit that you can't sleep unless he does.

Well correct me if I'm wrong,beds are for sleeping. If he wants to scroll,he should do it downstairs.
Op would be selfish if she wanted to sleep on the sofa and he wanted to stay up and watch a film. Why is this different?

My partner gets annoyed by me being on my phone and I have to say, it infuriates me. Why does one person think they have the right to tell someone else how to enjoy their downtime?

Why is him watching the big 60" screen in the living room OK but if I watch my 7" screen, I'm being selfish? I don't want to watch the television and I assume your husband doesn't want to be sent to sleep like a toddler.

The last time I was nagged for being on my phone I firmly informed my partner that I am a grown-arsed woman, who holds down a full time job, contributes more than fairly to household bills, tasks and mental load and if my idea of having a good time of a Friday night at home is to sit on on Instagram for an hour while he watches pish telly, then that's exactly what I'll do. I wouldn't choose to spend my time in exactly the same ways as he does - 3 hours at the gym on a Saturday afternoon - but I know he enjoys it and it's not my place to instruct anyone on how to enjoy their well-earned free time.

I listen to a podcast as I go to sleep, I have one of those snooze bands (but a cheap Amazon version) things. I also have an amazing eye mask. It's called Manta sleep. It has repositionable cup things for each eye so I can have my eyes open but it is completely dark. I look ridiculous but it is amazing. Try it.

I know what you mean OP.

Both my DH and I struggle to fully settle if the other is just laying there scrolling. It's both distracting and also it's hard to sleep when you feel like you're being watched/observed.

Sleeping whilst someone is wide awake on their phone beside you feels weird.

My DH and I chill out on our phones (me in bed, him in the lounge) and then we will message each other and say we are about 20 mins away from wanting to go properly to sleep.

He will come in and we both go on phones for another 5 mins or so and then put them away and spend some time chatting before sleep.

If we can't sleep we get up and go to spare room or lounge.

It works for us :)

I don't even like a partner who scrolls while sitting on the sofa with me. Feels really anti social. Scrolling in bed would be even worse

You are being petty.

If there is no volume then yes this is controlling

The light is so annoying, I'm with you @Carryingcarrying it keeps me awake. I'm tempted to get a mobile signal blocker for the bedroom.
I also get annoyed if there's something I want to watch on TV to have the lights around the room of everyone else frantically scrolling, but can't really say anything. I do channel change back to the channel I want to watch if all are scrolling that said no to my choice. Sometimes it takes them till after the next ad break to notice, which amuses me greatly

Just tell him to turn the brightness down or wear an eye mask.

If he's performatively scrolling with his whole body rather than a finger just tell him.

If its more about you knowing he's awake, knowing his 1 finger is making slight movements, while you're wanting to sleep that keeps you up, then thats a bit strange and more of a you issue imo.

Personally, I don't think he's doing anything wrong. Just because Mumsnet considers all use of phones as entertainment/relaxation to be 'mindless scrolling', that doesn't mean that they aren't a perfectly valid way of winding down. Presumably you also wouldn't want him reading on a Kindle or with a reading light.

I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake

I'm sorry, but you cannot expect your partner to sleep on command just to fit with your schedule.

I wouldn’t mind 5 mins but coming to bed with no intention and keeping the other person up feels so selfish to me

If he came to bed an hour later, though, when he's ready to sleep, presumably you would be annoyed at being woken an hour into your sleep by him coming up and getting ready for bed.

Another reason separate bedrooms is such a game-changer.

I would also feel annoyed by the light of DP scrolling if I wanted to get to sleep.

However I've also found that mindless scrolling of something neutral and dull (not the news!!!) really helps me nod off. Yes I know this is contrary to good sleep advice but it works for me.

I agree with this, and voted YANBU

I think YABU to say you can’t sleep knowing he’s awake though- he doesn’t have to go to bed/ sleep when you do.

Mind you, I’m quite glad I’m single so I can do as I like - scroll or not scroll, sleep / read/ whatever

YANBU. He should come up to bed later if he isn't ready to sleep. Fine if you both wanted to scroll/read/whatever but your bed is primarily a place of sleep, so sleeping needs should take priority.

Totally agree my husband is the same, but at least he stops when I ask. However he knows I want to switch the light off but never does until I ask. It’s extremely frustrating and selfish

I think some things are ok to impose. Blue light is a known sleep disrupter so it's appropriate if one person can't sleep due to it that the other doesn't do it and keep them awake.

Beds are the main place for sleeping. Doom scrolling can take place elsewhere.

I've always had a no screens in the bedrooms rule. Not even a TV, to my mind, for successful realtionships and healthy happy lives, the bedroom is for other things.