To be annoyed by DH phone scrolling

[Carryingcarrying]

Every night when we go to bed, DH will sit on his phone and scroll. For like an hour - light on on his phone. I just feel like I can’t relax or sleep. It’s the little movements, light from the phone and knowing he’s up. I told him to stop last night and he slept on the sofa but I’m fed up and want to put a no device in bed rule. I find it really selfish. AIBU? I wouldn’t mind 5 mins but coming to bed with no intention and keeping the other person up feels so selfish to me. I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake.

It's not selfish to use the room for its actual purpose at night 🙄

If he wants to scroll his phone he can do it downstairs before going to bed.

Thank you for your replies.
Since I was little, Ive always had bedrooms for just sleeping. No tv or phones or anything. Black out blinds, no lights etc so this was Alien to me!
I dont mind at all if he stays up later and I go to bed without him and he comes up when he’s ready to sleep or , he sleeps in the spare room. I need my sleep and I think I’m very precious about it as we have young children and a baby and I need it to function.
I just find the light from the phone the shuffling etc so off putting. I then only fall asleep once he’s finished. Last night he also had his laptop and work all over the bed as well - so it was doubly worse 🙈 DH however can fall asleep anywhere! Literally anywhere - he once fell asleep whilst mid conversation on whilst sat on the floor so I can see it wouldn’t be a problem for him if someone did the same.

Those who say I’m controlling- I have taken that onboard. I don’t care when he goes to sleep he can stay up scrolling all night. Just not next to me 😂

In light of you having a spare room, YANBU at all. I like to scroll in bed (and sometimes need to) but I wouldn't do it in the same room as anyone else! Ridiculous that he doesn't use the spare room if he wants or needs to scroll.

Just shows how bad it's got when people can't stop scrolling in bed. The phones more important than you I'm afraid.

VERY few people go up to bed and immediately go to sleep. I don’t scroll my phone but I do read books on my Kindle before I go to sleep, totally normal thing to do, and if my husband decided to impose a no screens rule in our bedroom he’d be finding somewhere else to sleep😂

A TV on absolutely keeps everybody up, but using a phone or Kindle isn’t a big deal, everyone has their own pre-bed habits.

I'm with you OP, my ex did this constantly and it really annoyed me, he'd say he wasn't tired so I'd tell him to fuck off back to the living room!

He was a doom scroller though, first thing in the morning, at mealtimes, on holidays, eating out...one of the reasons he's now an ex

It would piss me off. But then I will sit with a lamp on for an hour after going to bed so I can read my book. The only reason phones are in the bedroom is to charge over night and used as an alarm clock, they go onto do not disturb.

I only read as this is the only way I can get to sleep, I have to get out of my head and into someone else's.

I don't think scrolling on phone is a good idea before bed anyway, LED light, shown to disrupt sleep and cause anxiety, disrupt sleep patterns.

TV to me is an issue too, not only the phone.
As in guy turns the light off but tv on. Then likes it on to sleep because you don't live together.
But the flashing when you have your eyes closed, and the sound drives me mad.

Again it's things like this amongst many, why i couldn't live with someone again.

I get that, and it's nice and only right one is not controlling of the other.
But although many of us like to get in bed and admittedly on phones nowadays, or relaxing reading/tv whatever.
I think at night, if both people need to be up in the morning especially, overall should they not be going to bed to actually sleep.

Its not the same. OP is trying to use her bed for its intended purpose, to sleep in. Her H wants to use it for something that's not its intended purpose that he could do elsewhere. Would you think it selfish if my partner asked me to stop doing pilates in the kitchen so he could cook dinner?

So glad I sleep alone now so I can scroll as much as I want. Relationships are far too much compromise/control

I have a night mask and ear plugs and bite guard as part of my sexy night routine 😜😅😅 I sleep like a calm baby 👶🏽

Same.

And this is just weird to me. I’m just someone who can’t sleep knowing he’s awake.

I read my kindle every night before I go to sleep. It's part of my winding down process and I would be gutted if DH told me I had to go downstairs or to the spare room to do it.

I think YABU, sorry. Can you not turn the other way so the light doesn't effect you? Or have him turn his brightness right down and (obviously) have no sound on? I'm biased though, my sleep routine is really unhealthy. Once DH has turned over to sleep, I scroll Mumsnet until I fall asleep.

I have a Kindle, but I put it on a very low light, so it doesn't disturb my husband! Although he'd sleep through stadium lighting and a marching band!
I don't take my mobile to bed (unless he's away), we have a landline beside the bed, but I think if there's a power cut while I'm on my own, that won't work. Husband has his phone in the room because he uses the alarm. But neither of us would dream of laying there watching Tik Tok, YouTube or whatever!
I'm with you op, if he wants to scroll for an hour, he can do that downstairs and come to bed when he's done. Just to go to bed and scroll for an hour is ridiculous!
And ignore the posters telling you you're controlling or being unreasonable! It's not a matter of that, it's a matter of consideration!
And besides which, you shouldn't look at a phone screen before going to sleep!

Except lots of people do things other than sleep in bed to wind down for sleep like read a book, read their Kindle, some people listen to a podcast or audiobook. Very few people immediately get into bed and close their eyes.

A bed isn’t just specifically for sleep, it’s for relaxing and winding down to sleep.

I don’t scroll my phone but I do read books on my Kindle before I go to sleep, totally normal thing to do, and if my husband decided to impose a no screens rule in our bedroom he’d be finding somewhere else to sleep

That's a horribly controlling way to treat the person you're supposed to love.

If you were keeping him awake, you should be the one to leave the bedroom, not him.

I agree with you, when I got pregnant and really needed my sleep I struggled even more to fall asleep with the light, noise etc. I tried to suggest a cut off time since I do also use my phone before going to sleep too but he wasn't having it.
So at the moment he's mostly sleeping in another room or coming to bed after I'm asleep.
I think it depends on the person though, I have trouble falling asleep so need dark and quiet to do so, but would sleep through him coming to bed later when I'm already asleep. He falls asleep really easily but wakes up if I go to the bathroom in the night.

As controlling as one adult imposing a blanket rule on a shared space?

No healthy relationship involves demands like OP is suggesting.

I agree- I think 5/10 mins is perfectly normal to read or chat or even scroll in bed before turning the lights off . But any longer than that, when it’s time to actually sleep, seems selfish to me. Stay downstairs until you’re ready to go to sleep. (unless you’re going up to bed an hour earlier with the intention of scrolling ect before your sleep time)

It's a bedroom, not a library.

If he wants to read there are plenty of other rooms in the house, that don't contain the bed the OP needs to sleep in.

I've got the reverse- H insisting I put my phone down when he wants to go to sleep and reading would be a complete no no and yet waking me up every single morning by scrolling on his phone -

Yes I don’t think I’d ever think I was entitled to sit and read a book or kindle whilst my partner was trying to sleep next to me. I would go downstairs or elsewhere until I was ready to sleep.

How? It stopping the OP sleeping. If he doesn't want to sleep, can't he scroll elsewhere?