To have made DH change the nappy?

[NappyArgument]

I need your opinion on if IABU or not.

DD is 8 months old and needed her nappy changing earlier. I made DH do it. He wasn’t happy about it, as he was carrying her off to do it he muttered something like “I can’t believe you’re making me do this” and then I started tidying her toys up while they were gone and he said “you’d best not be coming in here”. Then he shouted DDs name really harshly at her, I said what’s wrong and started heading in and he said “she’s moving around!”. I said I was coming and don’t shout at her like that, it’s not her fault. Then he shouted “she’s got shit all up her arse!” and I said I’m coming and he stormed off and I changed the nappy. When I got back into the room he was pretending to be asleep so I brought DD up for a bath and I’m now feeding her to sleep.

In my defence, this was the only nappy he would have changed today. He hasn’t been pulling his weight at home at all. Baths are supposed to be “his” job with DD but I’ve done the past 4 out of 5. He’s also supposed to do the bins/recycling but I’ve been having to pick that up a lot too.

In his defence, he has a manual job and he’s struggling at work at the minute and not been sleeping well so was tired and just wanted to stay sat on the sofa.

He gave me an hour off this morning to shower and do my hair and he made us all breakfast. We had a nice day out and when we got home, he went upstairs for an hour on his own while I fed DD and the dogs and tidied the kitchen. I don’t know if this bit is relevant but felt like I should add it.

So what do you think - AIBU to have made him do the nappy?

Wait until she's crawling and walking. If he thinks she wriggles now he's in for one hell of a shock. And tell him next time he shouts at her for completely normal baby behaviour he needs to get to fuck. Useless twat

This is such an upsetting thread, how can anyone let alone a parent be such a prick to a baby who is utterly dependent on others?!

How did the conversation come about where you 'made' him do it?

God sake what did I just read?
Why are we still breeding with these men?

YANBU and there's a lot to unpack here.

But as a smaller point to add - having a shower and getting to do your hair is NOT a break!

There ought to be a symbol of some kind for a thread when one of these men is identified.

A big fat cross maybe.

My XH started his abuse after we had kids because he was stressed and exhausted, it's just an excuse. Stress and exhaustion aren't a valid excuse for treating your child this way. He still gets pissed off if the kids knock into something accidentally and spill something like this. Not at her isn't good enough.

Red flag or Red bunting.

Agree - washing is a basic hygiene need. You may as well say brushing your teeth is a break.

He sounds like a lazy arse!

Please don’t ever leave him with your baby alone, I have a really bad feeling about him for shouting at an innocent baby like that.

It started out as a joke I thought, I was playing with her and realised she needed changing so I told him it was his turn then we were having like a jokey argument about it and I just put DD next to him on the sofa and was like “no go on you do it please” I didn’t realise he was annoyed until he said he couldn’t believe I was making him do it as he walked out.

Just 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He gave you a break ? To shower? !! Wtaf.
It's called him parenting! He's a dick. That's not a break!

If he shouts at her like that when you're in the next room what is he like when you're not home?

I think you're a disgrace of a wife not to have given him a break to have a wash too. He generously gave you time for basic hygiene needs, you don't mention reciprocity. Poor man.

It felt like a break because I normally take her with me. I thought that was a normal/common thing for mums with little babies?

Does it make a difference that he is depressed? Shouting aside which I know wasn’t right, I think he wasn’t annoyed at her really he was annoyed at me.

Would you expect him to take the baby while he has a shower on a weekend too? Of course not. It's normal to take your child in the room with you when there isn't another parent around to parent the child.

Being annoyed at you and taking it out on his baby is even worse, sorry op.

I understand you feel the need to make excuses for him because his behaviour is so shocking but if this doesn't change the way you see him, what will?

Is he seeking/receiving treatment for depression and stress? If not, then if he wants to use that as an excuse for abusive behaviour (shouting at a baby) then he needs to also seek appropriate treatment.

It's normal if you're on your own with your baby, but bog standard not to if someone else is in the house. It shouldn't even be a question or request tbh.

It is also odd, to me, to be able to name which nappy changes he does etc. We've three kids & it's basically whoever, whenever kinda thing. I did used to joke that I would never ever be in Nappy Change Debt but that was by virtue of being a SAHM - not because DH had to be asked or didn't pull his dad-weight.

You've had a lot of very strong responses, hope you're OK cos it can be very jarring.

Yeah that actually makes it worse. He was being deliberately horrible to her in order to get you to comply, because he knew you'd intervene if he was nasty to her. That's not a positive thing and doesn't bode well for the future.

He shouted at his baby daughter??
Well, he's not going to win Father of The Year.

Time to shower and sort your hair is not ‘an hour off’ it’s basic hygiene so he didn’t give you anything.

Yes, he may be tired but I’m sure you are too but It was changing a nappy, one nappy!

The whole keeping score of who does what and how many times is not a great path to go down, it should just be an awareness of taking care of things and noticing when one another needs you to take more of the load. Keeping score just builds resentment and pettiness and makes taking care of your baby seem a chore and becomes something neither of you want to do because one is doing more than the other.

Tiredness leads to grumpiness and snapping at each other. I’d just try to sit down and calmly discuss how you need dh to pull his weight, looking after dd isn’t solely your job no matter how hard your dh works.

He's pathetic. What grown man can't change his own babies nappy? Babies wriggle, she doesn't understand to stay still and as for shit up her arse, where the fuck does he think it comes from? Absolutely pathetic.

Sorry OP but if he gets so wound up that he shouts at his baby for just wriggling while he's changing a nappy, how long before he picks her up and shakes her??

This post has made me really scared for your baby. So please answer the questions about his depression, ie, is he getting treatment for it, or is it just a handy excuse for when he wants some time to himself, to sulk about what a hard life he has? If it's genuine, and he's taking medication for it, then he needs to go back to the doctor and get stronger ones, as they're obviously not working if he's so stressed by his own baby that he shouts at her, and he also needs to go to anger management. If he's not on meds, and won't see a doctor, then I would be giving serious consideration to your child's safety with this man, as this is NOT normal behaviour for a loving father!