To send adult children sympathy cards?

[Welshies]

Hello,

Having a stupid argument with my mother about whether it is appropriate to send a sympathy card to my two adult cousins following the death of my aunt.

My mother is insisting it’s not the tradition to send sympathy cards to children of the deceased, only the spouse aka my uncle. I want to send my cousins a card.

What do you guys think?

I am not a card person but a small gesture to say that you are thinking of someone would always be welcome. If both you and them like cards then go for it

Yes of course - they are also bereaved. It’s a gesture of support.

I got cards from my cousins (and friends) when my Mum died. Your Mum is wrong.

I think it's usual to direct them to any surviving spouse, and to the children where the second partner has died. However there's nothing wrong in sending a card to your cousins. Kind thoughts are generally appreciated.

I send a card to anyone I care about that is grieving, if I can’t visit them. It doesn’t matter whether it’s spouse, child or what - bereavement isn’t a hierarchy.

Your mother could be correct (I've no idea), but she's very wrong to think following traditional is more important than showing compassion to someone.

I did this a couple of weeks ago.

Of course you should show sympathy and support for your cousins. They are also bereaved. Take no notice of your mam, do what feels right to you, I'm sure your cousins will appreciate the thought.

Of course you can send sympathy cards to adult children and I greatly appreciated the ones I received when my parents died.

It's a lovely gesture which I'm sure both would greatly appreciate.

Its a lovely gesture and I struggle to see why she thinks it isn't. Old fashioned ideas of propriety don't trump compassion.

I think this is a case where "tradition" doesn't matter. You want to reach out and show you're thinking of people who are going to be hurting - how is that ever a bad thing? Lots of things aren't traditional but are kind, and I'm sure there are plenty of unkind traditions too! Just do what feels right and hopefully brings some degree of comfort to those left behind.

For what it's worth when my mum died i got some lovely cards/letters from friends and friends of friends sharing condolences but also fond memories of her. They were a comfort to me, I still have them now more than 10yrs on. I doubt my dad would have been bothered that I got them direct not him!!

I got a lovely letter from a childhood friend when my dad died. I really appreciated it. If your wish to send a card is from the heart, then do it, whatever the accepted etiquette is.

I sent to my uncle and each of my three adult cousins when my aunt died, I was thinking of all of them so why not.
Send to who you like, I didn't think there were rules for this.

My cousins did when my Mum died. It really did help. We all felt the love.
I know not what the thread is about but I didn't like the flowers i got. It just got too much. Another reminder I didn't need that she was dead. But cards loved them. Well of course i would have preferred my Mum not to be dead.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Tradition? Who cares? Your cousins have lost their mum, and quite young by the sound of it. Send them a card.

They've experienced loss, you are responding with kindness....go for it!

I lost a parent recently. A lot of people sent cards addressed to my dad, my sister and me. Some just to my dad. Some just to my sister. And some just to me.

All of the cards were greatly appreciated. I was grateful for people making the effort, regardless of who they were addressed to.

Your mum is talking nonsense.

My dad died a couple of years ago and I didn't get any cards and neither did my sister, although my mum got loads.

Having said that, there's nothing intrinsically wrong in sending cards should you want to.

When my grandad died (he died 14 years before my Nanan), my DF got about 20 cards. Mainly from relatives and a couple from friends.

Its normal to send cards

When my mum died I was just by 6 month an adult.
Dad got loads of cards of course.
And I got two.
It meant the world ti me to be thought of .....,

This 💯
Support your cousins, don't worry about the traditional niceties

Even if it is traditional to send them only to the spouse (I didn’t know that, but I’ll take people’s word for it) there’s no law that says you have to comply with traditions. Why would you let tradition stop you from expressing a kind thought to someone you love?

Nobody who receives a sympathy card about their dad will ever think “Wow, what a terrible and offensive faux pas to send a card to me when I’m not the spouse”. They will think “How kind of them to think of me.”

As the adult DC, I've had cards, flowers, food from friends, family and colleagues.

At a devastating time, the care the others give is so heartwarming.

Express how you feel.

If you want to send your cousins a card, you send it. Sod what she thinks.