To send adult children sympathy cards?

[Welshies]

Hello,

Having a stupid argument with my mother about whether it is appropriate to send a sympathy card to my two adult cousins following the death of my aunt.

My mother is insisting it’s not the tradition to send sympathy cards to children of the deceased, only the spouse aka my uncle. I want to send my cousins a card.

What do you guys think?

I've sent them to friends when their parents have died.

I got a couple when my dad died.

I sent my niece and nephew cards when their mum died. I didn’t know you you weren’t ’supposed’ to.

It never entered my head that sympathy cards should only be sent to the bereaved spouse. I’ve sent cards to all my bereaved friends/family when they’ve experienced a loss. I’ve sent them to the adult children of patients I was fond of too. Anyone who’s going to be sad deserves some support and acknowledgment of their loss.

My mum died at the end of last year. My step dad is still alive.
I was sent some cards (and many messages of condolences from people that may have sent a card before the internet). I was also sent a lovely planter full of plants from work that I appreciated at the time and still enjoy months later.
I appreciated every single message, and it gave me a great comfort to know that my loss was acknowledged.

I haven't heard of a tradition where only the surviving spouse gets a card but even if that was the case at some point, I think it is okay to over ride that and send a card to your cousins.

Of course YANBU. It’s a lovely gesture to show you’re thinking of someone, whatever their relationship to the deceased, and the grief of bereavement isn’t something experienced only by the spouse - what a strange notion.

‘Death etiquette’ may have been a thing years ago, but it’s really not now. The support and kindness of my cousins when my mum died (and, after all, they loved her too) is something I’ll always be grateful for.

My Dad died last year and I appreciated anyone letting me know they were thinking of me.

Your Mum can’t tell you not to do this

I think it's quite normal to send a card to a bereaved adult child.
My DH received quite a few cards following the death of my mil and when my friend lost her mum a few months back I didn't hesitate to get her a card and bunch of flowers.

I think it's a lovely gesture and can say from experience that when each of my parents died the sympathy cards were very much appreciated.
It's not just the spouse who is suffering from loss.

I’d say you do you. But I’m not sure why anyone else’s opinion, mine included, matters here.

Will what people tell you here actually make a difference in what you do?

I think you can send a card to whoever is grieving regardless of their relationship to the deceased. Of course it's ok to send a card to your cousins. I had several cards from friends and relatives when my dad passed and I appreciated the thought.

Your mum is wrong and being daft. I’m sure your cousins would appreciate it.

My siblings and I received a number of cards after our parents died, so I don't think you are being in the least unreasonable.

I sent cards to both my adult cousins when their Mum died at the amazing age of 100. It would never have occurred to me not to so don't take any notice of your mum's opinion.
I received cards & flowers from family, friends & colleagues when my mum died & I appreciated them all.
Interestingly my brother expressed surprise when he found out I'd received cards after our stepfather had died. Not sure why he was surprised....

Why even mention it to your mum? What on earth does she think your cousins will do, think badly of you, if they receive a card?! Send them, they will really appreciate your thoughtfulness.

i ‘m team ‘send’

Do whatever you want to do, who cares what you’re ’supposed’ to do.

I never knew sending a card had rules.

I would absolutely send a card even to a colleague and I don’t send cards for anything else.

My mother was sent sympathy cards when my father died

She absolutely hated them

I wouldn't want them either

When my dad died i got over 150 cards from friends, family and lots of my dad's friends. My mum got over 400 cards from people around the world. They meant so much at that time, and they have all been kept in a memory box of my dad. Send the card, I send them to anyone who has lost someone.

OP- what tradition/country is your mum from?

I sent cards to cousins when their parents died, 1 to a cousin when she had a miscarriage and to DH's cousin when they lost a sibling. My own mum would have said that such things are to support the living that are left.

I find it bizarre that your mum thinks its wrong to support those left and acknowledge their loss. I also find it odd you mentioned/asked her at all and didn't just get on with sending the cards you want. 😕

Tesco (and therefore other shops) sell condolence cards specifically for different relatives, not just spouses, so whatever ‘the custom’ might have been, it no longer appears to be as your DM insists.

Totally fine and a nice gesture!

Who cares if its tradition.

My mum got dozens of cards when my Dad died, a number of people sent cards to both my brother and me as well. They were very much appreciated by us both.

Obviously my Mum was the priority having lost her husband but we were devastated at losing our Dad so suddenly and having it acknowledged was lovely.

I still have all the cards

I sent sympathy cards to my cousins recently when their mum died (even though I can't stand them and they didn't extend the courtesy to me when I was bereaved.). Didn't even occur to me that it's not the done thing.

Your mom is wrong. I sent a card to my cousin when my aunt died a few months back. I also texted and called her.

This. It is a small gesture that means a lot when you are bereaved. After my Mum.died I got several cards from old school friends who all said nice things about my Mum and it really meant so much when I was so upset.