Anyone else get really irritated with the organisation of hen dos or is it just me?

[Candystripes85]

I’ll start by saying I’ve organised both hen dos and baby showers in the past so I know it’s no mean feat to get money from people etc. Thats not what my gripe is.

I may just be unlucky but every time I am invited to a hen do for some reason whoever is organising can’t seem to give people a straight answer on price.

I’ve been to one abroad where the host said it would cost £250 all in for a weekend away (plus spending money). To cut a long story short, 3 nights away ended up costing us about £500 each (not including spending money), which was literally double what was originally agreed. I was pretty irritated at the cost and I would never have gone if I had of known in the beginning it would cost that much.

Then another one we got told a price, everyone agreed and then the host ended up planning various activities that no one was told about before hand. We all got ‘surprised’ with them when we were on the hen do and felt forced to pay to attend to not cause issues or make the bride feel uncomfortable. This ended up doubling the cost.

I’ve been invited to two this year - 1st one couldn’t make her mind up on the type of accommodation we would stay in because of the prices, asked everyone for opinions and as predicted no one could come to a agreement (there are 20 people attending). Ended up in absolute chaos and it still hasn’t been finalised despite the hen do being in May. I’m not even convinced we we will able to get accommodation for 20 people this late where they are planning on holding it now!

2nd one wants a non refundable deposit to confirm your place but won’t tell anyone the total cost before they’ve handed it over. She has said that activities, travel and food aren’t included. A few people have said they would need to know the final cost as travel and activities could easily double the cost of the whole thing but she still won’t say (probably because she doesn’t actually know or hasn’t thought it through).

I mean am I just being ridiculous here? Is it that hard to just make a decision, price everything up and just tell people it will cost £££ to attend plus spending money for any drinks you want on a night out etc? They know where they want to go, they know the activities they want to do, they know where everyone lives to arrange a mini bus for travel. Just add it all up and give people a best case figure if everyone can attend and a worst case figure if only a few go. Then people can make an informed decision right from the beginning.

I’ve definitely learnt from my past mistakes so certainly won’t be committing to either until I have the answers around cost, but it’s just exhausting and it almost puts me off going as it’s the same issue every single time!

The whole thing is ridiculous IMO.

You can’t travel, rent accommodation, do multiple activities and eat out without spending, realistically, several hundred pounds.

Most couples wouldn’t do this together as it would be such a huge splurge, so why on hen dos it’s the norm I have no idea.

Particularly annoying given you probably have no say in when, where, what the activities are etc!

I agree! I feel really lucky that I’ve been invited to many over the years but the cost nearly always make me cringe. I often hope they are arranged for dates I’m not available so I have an easy excuse not to go lol.

Of course YANBU.
If you agree to organise something, then do that - organise!

Remember to add a premium on to the detailed cost so people aren't asked for more once someone can't come (as inevitably happens). But be absolutely clear what is included in the price, and what the agenda is before offering it out.

I know I’ve only had 2 replies but I’m so glad other people don’t think I’m totally crazy. I feel like I’m often seen as a bit of a trouble maker because after the first couple of disasters above I always make sure I find out the whole cost before committing. I ask the question and people respond like I’m asking them a totally unreasonable and bizarre question.

YANBU at all, this is my experience of hen dos too. The costs always spiral, it’s why you see so many posts about them on here it’s not as easy as saying no at the start because they always start off cheaper and more sensible. It’s so annoying watching the poor planning and having to pay more.

I’ve got one coming up. It was arranged without consultation, presented as a done deal on, say, a Tuesday (admittedly with the cost made clear) and followed up on the Friday with an ask for the full amount of several hundred pounds to be paid on the Monday! Needless to say, some fairly awkward conversations ensued.

And I think I’m also seen as a trouble maker because I offered to help the organisers the first couple of times this happened

They sound ridiculously OTT and also a lot of work to organise. I do think as a baseline you should have an accommodation price and a budget for other things sorted before people are asked to commit. Or have it at a more convenient location. Most cities will have bars, restaurants, clubs and spas. It doesn't have to be a one off trip of a lifetime.

Yes this is the thing. The original prices everyone agrees with and then you’ve paid most of the money more things crop up they either haven’t thought about or want to include and you can’t then really pull out because you loose more than you save by not going. Drives me insane.

The one I went on last year everyone paid, and then the MOH realised the bride hadn’t been included in any of the the costs. Instead of just asking the bride to pay for herself (which I would have done if I was the bride) or paying for her themselves/asking brides parents they came back and asked everyone for more money to cover the bride. Makes it so awkward as if to turn round and say no, you look like a complete cow.

😳People are so clueless! Do they really think most people have hundreds of pounds laying about to pay in full.

Social media has completely destroyed any common sense for most people. God forbid you go somewhere local for a night out anymore. It always has to be so elaborate affair with multiple activities!

I think what happens sometimes is a price is set based on a certain amount of people going and then people pull out and it puts the price up for everyone else.

I think sometimes the MOH perhaps isn't the best organiser or planner and they feel under pressure to organise something exciting for the bride. Costs then get out of hand, as they don't choose the best flights, accommodation and activities - they just choose what's easiest, people drop out because it's too expensive, those left get stung with increasing costs just because no one wants to be the one that raises the issue.

I take my hat off to anyone trying to organise a Hen Do these days. I'd bring back the days of a meal/drinks in the local town where anyone was welcome to join and it was all over by midnight!

From what I see on Mumsnet...

Find a venue, flights, travel, try to work out a cost bearing in mind that when you look tomorrow it's likely to have changed. Message the guests who may or may not respond. Set up a What'sApp group. Chase people who haven't responded. Try to get the deposit together by which time the number of people and the cost has changed. Agree when the final balance is due whilst knowing that a percentage of people that paid the deposit now can't make it and won't want to lose the deposit and/or pay the full amount. Complain on Mumsnet. Add in some additional things that the bride would like not excluding expensive cocktails, bottomless brunch, bucket list trip to exclusive nightclub, spa treatments, Michelin starred restaurant, matching pyjamas/hats/flip flops, ball gowns. Take into consideration the people that planned to come but are now pregnant, in new relationships, have lost their jobs. Accept that the rooming arrangements, travel and probably total cost have now changed again. Complain on Mumsnet. Repeat.

I think hen dos need to be organised by the bride as she is usually the only person who knows everyone, has the appropriate contact details and knows exactly what they want to happen. I organised one once. It was just an afternoon tea type event but it was so hard to find something that everyone was happy to do and coordinate between 25 people, half of whom I'd never met.

Absolutely @RomainingToBeSeen

Oh it’s not to be scoffed at, it’s a nightmare, I’ve been there. But people make it so much harder for themselves by not being upfront in the first place. Most people drop out because the costs spiral out of control or they aren’t told in the first place what the cost is, so why doesn’t the organiser get all of that together first. If one person cancelling is going to cost everyone else a considerable sum on top of what they’ve agreed to pay, it’s time to look for something else to do within peoples budgets.

Going abroad as an example you can research the costs, tell them it will be X but potentially may go up a little bit, give everyone a quick deadline for a response and for a deposit paid so it’s booked quickly and less likely to see massive price increases. Could even go to a travel agent that generally gives you a price pp that is valid for a certain amount of days. I don’t think many would care about an extra £20 on top of the price but when it starts getting into hundreds, it starts taking the mickey.

I got married in 2008. The credit crunch had fucked everyone's finances so I was appreciative they could even attend the wedding. No way was I going to get them even to splurge on a night out (which I would have hated)

I fucking hate hen dos

The difficulty is with some things such as a cottage for a weekend are dependent on the number of people will go. The person organising doesn't know how many bedrooms to get before know how many are going and they can't work out the share unless they know how many are going. I think some are more poorly organised than others but you also get a lot of people not committing properly so they are hard to organise.

They’re all like this! My worst was a WhatsApp group where the organising bridesmaid (who had rebuffed all attempts at help or input) sent us a message a few weeks before Christmas, demanding immediate bank transfer of £500- for an event that was a night out and stay in Birmingham! And then when I said I wasn’t paying that, she complained to the bride, who then fell out with me because she thought I wasn’t making enough of an effort for her wedding.

Btw, At the time of the hen night, I lived in Birmingham, so £500 for a dance class, takeaway pizza and a cocktail making class. GTF!

Most people drop out because the costs spiral out of control or they aren’t told in the first place what the cost is, so why doesn’t the organiser get all of that together first.

But I think the problem is that it's almost impossible to get the costs locked down in advance. The more people (and therefore rooms/airline seats) involved the more chance that the price will change overnight and often by hundreds rather than tens of pounds. Add to this the fact that people can't/don't make a quick decision if it's likely to involve several hundreds of pounds, finding childcare and using annual leave it's no wonder that the costs spiral.

Even a weekend in a lodge in the UK could cost £1000. 8 people sharing it's £125 each but as soon as 3x people drop out it's suddenly £200 each which is a big difference. Someone has to take the risk of booking it (or it's now £1200 for the weekend) and hope that they get the money back. You then have the 'let's get a Tesco shop, cook bacon and pasta and split the cost of all the booze and food' vs the 'let"s all bring a few bottles of champagne and eat out all weekend'.

It's a nightmare, I did it once, ended up out of pocket and vowed never to do it again.

The expectation of what a hen do is these days is ridiculous. My answer is always ‘can’t make it’; if I want to spend hundreds / thousands on going away I’ll plan a trip the way I want with whomever I went where I want.

I think they’ve got completely out of proportion to what they’re supposed to be. They used to be a hen night … the clue is in the description ie a night out.

I agree with the person upthread who says actually the bride should control it as they know all the people, their relative budgets etc. I also think it’s awful when others are expected to pay for the bride especially when it’s abroad. No just no.

Even a weekend in a lodge in the UK could cost £1000. 8 people sharing it's £125 each but as soon as 3x people drop out it's suddenly £200 each which is a big difference.

Thats what I’m saying though, I do understand that prices will change but that’s where the organiser needs to say if 10 people can make it it will cost £100 each, if only 5 can make it it will be £200. Would everyone be okay to pay £200 in the worst case scenario? If they aren’t okay to pay it, they need to look for something else to do that people can afford.

I don’t think there is any excuse for giving people a price and then doubling it. I don’t know how people have the conscience to do it. If it came to that and I was organising, I would just say that the costs have doubled and as a result I will be looking for something else to do, I wouldn’t expect people to pay it and I wouldn’t book anything until I knew people were happy with the price. If the price jumped too much I just wouldn’t book and do something else.