Anyone else get really irritated with the organisation of hen dos or is it just me?

[Candystripes85]

I’ll start by saying I’ve organised both hen dos and baby showers in the past so I know it’s no mean feat to get money from people etc. Thats not what my gripe is.

I may just be unlucky but every time I am invited to a hen do for some reason whoever is organising can’t seem to give people a straight answer on price.

I’ve been to one abroad where the host said it would cost £250 all in for a weekend away (plus spending money). To cut a long story short, 3 nights away ended up costing us about £500 each (not including spending money), which was literally double what was originally agreed. I was pretty irritated at the cost and I would never have gone if I had of known in the beginning it would cost that much.

Then another one we got told a price, everyone agreed and then the host ended up planning various activities that no one was told about before hand. We all got ‘surprised’ with them when we were on the hen do and felt forced to pay to attend to not cause issues or make the bride feel uncomfortable. This ended up doubling the cost.

I’ve been invited to two this year - 1st one couldn’t make her mind up on the type of accommodation we would stay in because of the prices, asked everyone for opinions and as predicted no one could come to a agreement (there are 20 people attending). Ended up in absolute chaos and it still hasn’t been finalised despite the hen do being in May. I’m not even convinced we we will able to get accommodation for 20 people this late where they are planning on holding it now!

2nd one wants a non refundable deposit to confirm your place but won’t tell anyone the total cost before they’ve handed it over. She has said that activities, travel and food aren’t included. A few people have said they would need to know the final cost as travel and activities could easily double the cost of the whole thing but she still won’t say (probably because she doesn’t actually know or hasn’t thought it through).

I mean am I just being ridiculous here? Is it that hard to just make a decision, price everything up and just tell people it will cost £££ to attend plus spending money for any drinks you want on a night out etc? They know where they want to go, they know the activities they want to do, they know where everyone lives to arrange a mini bus for travel. Just add it all up and give people a best case figure if everyone can attend and a worst case figure if only a few go. Then people can make an informed decision right from the beginning.

I’ve definitely learnt from my past mistakes so certainly won’t be committing to either until I have the answers around cost, but it’s just exhausting and it almost puts me off going as it’s the same issue every single time!

I honestly think there's going to be a swing away from these types of hens and stags soon. It's just got so ridiculous. When I was in my 20s and 30s I had a group of friends who I'd go away with once a year...we'd work out the costs first and who could afford it. Usually max 6 or 7 people though. Not 20!

Social media is to blame mostly I think, it has become normalised for a hen do to be a weekend away with drinks, activities, personalised hoodies/bathrobes/slippers etc the more you see it, the more normal it becomes
Same for kids parties. Gine are the days when you had a handful of kids round for cake, crisps, sandwiches and pass the parcel!
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Sounds great! Low key and good fun.

I just can't fathom the ego and arrogance of this culture where you expect your friends and family to fork out many hundreds for your hen/stag do. It's gross, crass, just awful. And the bride/stags share being shared out between everyone else is next level, it's hard to believe it even happens.
And very often these are then same people who don't even have a proper amount of decent quality food for the guests on the wedding day itself, because of 'budget'. Its shameful. I wouldn't engage with these kind of scrubs.

I once sat with the MoH/hen organiser whilst booking our flights to Italy. It was a big group, 16 - and the website would only let you add and pay for the seats at max 4 at a time for some reason.

She happily booked and paid for 4 at the price we'd all agreed that morning, after the flight was released, then went back in to do the next 4 - they were £30 more per seat 🙈 Despite both being in our 30's and having booked multiple flights in our time for our families, we only at that moment realised our mistake 😂

There was no choice but to plough ahead as we already had 4 booked and paid for, so she booked and paid at the higher price then went back in again. The third set were £90 more than agreed, per seat 🤢 I've never seen any one sweat so much waiting for the page to refresh that final time 😂 but thankfully they were 'only' £100 more than agreed so no further dramatic jumps.

We evened out the cost amongst all 16 and it wasn't too bad but I honestly still can't believe we both overlooked such an obvious risk when booking!

@MaggieMistletoe I went on a hen do a couple of years ago that was organised well in advance of the wedding invites going out as it was expensive so it gave everyone time to spread the cost. Paid up in full, then got an evening invite through for a wedding that was 400 miles away (I knew where the wedding would be), but no accommodation anywhere near by as the venue only had a select number of rooms and they had all been taken by day guests. I was so angry that she had expected me to pay £300 for a hen do and she couldn’t be bothered to spend £80 on me to attend her wedding, especially since she knew how far away I was. The whole hen do was spent talking about how excited she was for people to see her dress and what she had planned and me and a couple of others sat there really awkward thinking ‘we aren’t going to see any of it’

When did this nonsense start? What’s wrong with just going to a restaurant then on to the pub/club?
Glad this wasn’t the norm when my friends got married.

If you have friends scattered all over the place and they are already having to travel for the wedding, I think the simplest answer is don't have a hen do.

Both those scenarios are just bad planning I think. Usually you send around a general (this is what we are thinking, 5 star hotel for three nights abroad or one night locally etc!) and see if people are interested. Based on number you do the planning and get back to people with exact price and details and give them deadline for coming or not! I’ve been to loads of hens but this is the norm so you can decide if you’re able to go or not?!

@Lobsterteapot yes the one I mentioned in my OP where we were surprised was like this. Started off quite casual as it was in Brighton and we would just spend the day on the beach/pier etc so no extra cost. Then at some point the MOH realised that might get a bit boring for 2 days so booked all these extra activities, didn’t tell anyone until the day and we ended up having to pay so it wasn’t awkward.

@Psychologymam I do wonder if the people I am friends/family with just have idiots as MOH 🤣. I just felt surely I can’t be that unlucky that everyone organising all these hens are so thick the price ends up doubling, but maybe I am.

I say no to all hen nights now unless it is just a local meal/drinks out. I don't have the money for ££££££s spent abroad, if I did have that money it would be spent on a family holiday not going abroad with a group of women, most of who I may not know and I'm sure they invite more people as they know loads will end up dropping out and because they want their share to be cheaper.

Just say no OP, I always say I have plans, even if those plans are sat on my arse doing nothing for the weekend.

The best hen do I've ever been to involved a spa day for £50 off Groupon, cocktails after then straight home. Hen organised it all, gave us a time and place, no drama. I don't gp if it involves spending more than £100. One of my friends went to Spain for 5 days! I politely declined. I'd rather take my child on holiday.

I really hate the pressure put on me to go to these things. No thank you Karen, I don’t want to use 4 days of my previous annual leave and spend over a grand on a hen do place

I was invited to spend £400 on a hen weekeend to Majorca for someone at work who hardly ever spoke to me! Like blank ignoring in corridors type and only speaking to me in meetings if she had to. I politely enquired if Invite was meant for me, which it was ( no others with my name at work) I think she was genuinely trying to make up the numbers for the photos. Needless to say I politely declined!

You can just say no, you know?

I'm way too old to have these things on my social calendar now (thank fuck!) but if I was invited to one of these ridiculous gatherings, I'd be declining immediately!

Hen/stag parties have become such performative events now...we just went down the local wine bar for an evening of fun and frivolities with our closest friends. Maybe sat on the Plaza steps with a bag of chips on the way home 😁 Nobody was out of pocket and everyone had a good time. Particularly with the chips 🤣

It was great, no fancy outfits, and home by 10pm!

I had afternoon tea, a sedate activity and cocktails. All home by 10pm. At least part of the responsibility is for brides to say that they don't want a big deal.

As a repeated hen do organiser (my sister had 30 invitees...) this is my best advice:

1. Ask bride for guest list AND dates she's free
2. Ask bridesmaids which of brides dates they're also free (pick date all are) possibly include brides closest family in this, if invited to hen, such as mum. (If no good dates, ask bride to prioritise closest friends that must come)
3. Create group of all attendees and tell them the date. Ask those that are free and would like to attend to confirm - expect round 1 of drop outs!
4. You now have a rough number. For example, the invite list may now have gone from 30 to 25 on specific dates and in a location chosen by the bride.
5. Look for accommodation for the group size. Look up to 25 but from say 18 people. If tricky or pricy (abroad or short notice) consider a cheap hotel - less risk if people drop out and usually cheaper.
6. By this point, you should have a rough outline of activities and costs. First night "pizza and Prosecco" about £10 is enough for a large group towards dominoes, Prosecco brought in and some games. Then roughly price up activities for the trip. £5pp for 2 days breakfast items (if a large group!) Look up cocktail classes, activities the hen wants to do. (Can be cheap if you like - I did a walk to a pub for lunch then massages back at the house!) explain to the bride (or bridesmaids if she's not involved) at this stage that if her hen is less than 6 months away when organising, she has to be realistic with activities. You CANNOT arrange a £500 hen on 3 pay days notice with the wedding guest costs the month after as it's simply not fair!
7. Text group "we've found a house/hotel, cost is £125 pp but exact house depends on numbers". "Bride wants to do ABC at a total of £100 pp for all activities and food for the house" highlight at this point what isn't included travel, maybe a meal cost, alcohol to drink at the house/flat. "Between the accommodation and activities, the budget is £200pp not including travel. Please let me know if you can attend" Dropouts round 2 will now occur!
8. You now have a rough final no. Say 22 from 30. Look at your houses for this many, say £100 pp. ask the group for £100 pp and explain its non-refundable to avoid costs increasing and this is just for accom. Potentially more drop outs - that's fine! Reduce the house size/hotel room numbers,
9. Get the payments into a separate account from you own in case anyone questions where money has gone. Pay only deposit on the accom. (It's usually non-refundable but I'd always pay the full balance when absolutely due by the company, but that's just me!) NO money is refundable for accom to any drop outs now. Any other bookings like lunch, bowling, cocktail making can always be changed and people refunded deposits - this money can't be given back.
10. Continue planning hen. Ask for money in reasonable instalments say £50-100 at a time and expect having to chase people. Try to align with pay day weekends. Don't be afraid to shame people who are late payers - I did it to my own mum 😂 At this point there should be no "but I'm a single parent and my boiler died" people left, only people who can realistically afford to come should be remaining and it's not fair on others to increase the cost regardless of circumstances.

10. Keep group updated on activities - book and pay deposits. Do an itinerary doc that's cute and themed - put the pricing in (£) if you really want transparency - that's what I did for my sisters!

Other: I know it's nice to all sit together on the plane/train but avoid bulk booking tickets UNLESS you have the money in your bank in advance. No one died not sitting next to people and unless it's a sibling or your mum, they may leave you without your money for months or forever! For my sisters, I said I was going to buy train tickets the next day so to pay me that day if you wanted me to sort them, otherwise we were on X train on X date and I'd advise which car if people wanted to wait and they could select to be in the same one if they needed more time.

It's a nightmare to organise a hen but you should financially protect yourself and the other guests as well as be reasonable with what people can pay. If you need to sit the bride down and say it's too pricy or tell the MOH to calm down? Do it. Asking people for £500 (at all!) but particularly on a couple months notice is rude. And I say that as a corp slave of many years that earns more than a lot of my friends and family - unsure why it's me of all people that is most clued up that people have bills and can't afford huge outgoings!? If it gets stressful do a bottomless brunch, dinner or show locally with drinks and PAYG 🎉🥳👍🏼

Also - unless a bridesmaid (and if you have financial problems, the bride should get you dropping out!) I didn't go to my cousins wife's, my sister in laws and a friend of my husbands fiance. (My dad lectured me about my SIL but I stood firm and she had a fab time without me with my sister and her actual friends! She met my sister at uni for context) There's no obligation to go and a polite, "thanks for thinking of me but I can't make the hen. Have a fab time girls!" Is fine! 🤷🏻‍♀️

came here to say the same thing! Why does everything need to be so lavish and expensive now

@lawyer199112 that just completely confirms how happy I am that I'm past the age of hen dos and that not one of the ones I did go to involved an overseas trip - i have only been to one that was an overnight tbh. That is a ludicrous amount of work and money for something so trivial.

Very wise! Who gives a fuck if it's not a surprise. I'd rather organise it and make sure I'm getting to do something I care about doing and not putting pressure on MOH.

Trouble is, people try and include too many guests on lavish hen dos! 20 people!? Does anyone seriously have 20 close friends that would be willing to spend £500 each on a trip just because one mate is getting married?

Pick your 6 best mates, that you actually really care about and organise something between you all. If you really have so many mates, organise a 2nd do in a local nightspot and make it a bit of an open invite so nobody's left out and equally nobody is feeling obliged to come.

Back in the day, a 'hen do' was probably a fairly-unusual 'women only' night out, with mainly young women and a bit of alcohol involved, a few days before the wedding. I remember them happening as a kid and groups of women doing things like going for a Chinese and then to a nightclub in the next city with late night taxis or minibuses home and it all seemed terribly grown up and exotic.

Perhaps my grandmothers went for a cheeky round of sherries at the pub with the 'girls' from the office or factory where they were working at the time.

I think hen do's today offer reflect more than we care to think on the bride herself. With mine, I was mortified to think that anyone would be put out /excluded/ made to feel uncomfortable. I had close family coming from overseas to the wedding. I had one hen-do at home with food and party games the week before the wedding because I really wanted my mum, aunties, friends, cousins and pregnant sister-in-law to all be there, you know... to celebrate with my closest female friends and family.

I think it's often an inconsiderate popularity contest by the bride.