How to tackle DSD's living situation in her Mums house?

[Worried861]

By her own admission DSD 13 Mum has always kept a messy house, just one of those things. However I have lost count over the last year or so how many times DSD has lost something in her house and it is never seen again she always says it's lost in the clutter.

When we pick up or drop her off her Mum always shuts the front door and comes into the porch but yesterday she left it open and I saw into the hallway. The stairs are absolutely covered in stuff, I don't know how they walk up and down them. The floor could barely be seen in the hall.

DH spoke to DSD today and she said her Mum has been sleeping in her bed with her as Mums room "needs sorting out".

How on earth do we approach this? DSD is very protective of her Mum and has just said it's fine and they just need a cleaning day. I'm worried it's more serious.

Hum,

Summary so far seems to be report to School or Social Services NOW and possibly dont even let her go home as her mother needs specialist intervention

I'm a single parent and the only time my kids are not here is when I am working. There aren't enough hours in the day to sort everything out sometimes. Sometimes, just keeping on top of things takes more hours than I have available. Perhaps the piles on the stairs were things she had sorted out to take to the dump/charity shop and she just hasn't had a chance to take them there yet?

How often is DSD at yours? If the ex is working when DSD is at yours, and looking after DSD the rest of the time, then she might genuinely have no time to get on top of things. Would it help for you and your DH to have DSD at yours a little more so that the ex can devote some time to going through a few things?

I think the best way you can support her is to have DSD a bit more (for a proper block of time, like a week, not just an extra afternoon) and give her more time to get on top of things.

I am quite sure though that however hard you find it and I dont doubt what you say at all that you are not building up an accumulation of rubbish in your home to the extent that you cant sleep in your own bed and that your home is clean

Chez DSD by the sound of it isnt

The fact that until recently nobody has seen inside the house because the door is shut and the amount of stuff thats 'lost' suggest its far from the situation you are occasionally in

@InvisibilityCloakActivated
Think you're grasping here, she's child free 3 days per week and is sleeping in her DD bed as her room is full of crap.

That's really sad, poor child living in chaos.

i think it’s very serious if the Mum can’t even sleep in her own room. I don’t know what to advise tbh, but agree that your DH speaking to her would be a good first step.

My parent was a hoarder , it is a serious mental health condition. Also there's likely to be rats etc if food is left lying around & lots of hiding places. I constantly hurt myself by tripping over things etc. Please get dh to talk to dsd's mum about this & escalate further if needed.

Call SS.

This child doesn’t even have her own bed and it’s only a matter of time before she falls down the stairs.

She’s being neglected. Badly.

I’d start by DH talking to her and perhaps she has other family members who could offer support? It’s difficult, because obviously your DSD wants to protect her.

@Worried861 this is a shame. it sounds like poor mum is having a bout of depression and daughter knows that mum isnt too well!! she must look around every day and feel totally overwhelmed. you can only try to help, but no authorities please. daughter will appreciate assistance rather than an intervention. would dh go round and perhaps help ex at least with one room. show her how to throw out clothes and put clean washing away. etc. it is going to take more than a day. probably at least a couple of week to clear the house properly back to a reasonable standard.

They need to go on Sort Your Life Out with Stacey Solomon and friends 😆

(I have no useful suggestions, sorry!)

There can be mental and physical health issues that lead to this. As someone who struggles to keep a tidy house due to recurring depression and physical ill health, please be aware that not everyone is able to keep a house to everyone else’s standards.

It may mean she needs more regular help to take care of her home. Is there family/friends who may be prepared to help her declutter/tidy/clean every so often?

is she in a position to pay specialist declutters/cleaners and then regular cleaners? Is your hubby as daughters dad, in a position to organise those services for the benefit of your DSD?
it really depends on what you and hubby are prepared to do to support them both - not that you are obligated. But it’s up to you how much you can/are prepared to help.

If there are mental health/physical health issues at play, there might be an adult services department with your local council that maybe able to help her. I would have a supportive and positive conversation with her about potentially using these services first though.

If mum is sleeping in her bed die to the mess I think it's heading to at least early help threshold.
If it was a dad sleeping in her bed for the same reason, people would be much more alarmed

Could you not involve school instead? They could discuss it with dsd as she has no space to complete work or that these things are also getting lost too.
Then school could mediate and challenge mum?

This isn’t a matter of a few lost things. The DD doesn’t have her own bed to sleep in. It is an unsuitable home to bring up a child in and if her father can not get her out of it he absolutely should call social services. It would be neglectful to let this situation continue without intervention.

Offering help to the mum isn't going to help a hoarder.

Guarantee even if you decided to all pitch in to a weekend clear up that the mum won't let anything go.

I think you need to approach this from helping DSD deal with living like this and her options and not feeling like she's abandoning her mum. Her mum having to sleep in her bed should be a red flag that things have got very bad.

The mum needs specialist help to over come hoarding which you probably won't be able to access.

Has DSD said anything this weekend?

I came across a case today, woman and adult children.

Hoarders

There had been a sewage leak in the property not reported to the Housing Association

Grim

The fire service offer specialist help with hoarding. I would start there.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
At no point are OP and her DH creeps, they have been told this by his daughter,
a child who now has to share a bed with her mum due to the house being a tip.
Get a grip of yourself, living with a hoarder can seriously damage a child's MH among many other things.

Her Mum and Dad have decided she is going to stay with us for a few weeks and then we will take it from there.

@Worried861
That's positive, is mum
going to address the problem at all?

I suggest that it gives her mother a clear message that the issue is being addressed by her daughters father.

Either she is capable of change and this might give her the opportunity and the incentive to change OR it will demonstrate that she cant and her daughter may have to remain with her father.

So a good result I suggest

Is there anything in DSD's mothers past you or your husband are aware of that might have caused her behaviour?

Bereavement, trauma, even the breakdown of her marriage?