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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tackle DSD's living situation in her Mums house?

102 replies

Worried861 · 21/02/2025 14:41

By her own admission DSD 13 Mum has always kept a messy house, just one of those things. However I have lost count over the last year or so how many times DSD has lost something in her house and it is never seen again she always says it's lost in the clutter.

When we pick up or drop her off her Mum always shuts the front door and comes into the porch but yesterday she left it open and I saw into the hallway. The stairs are absolutely covered in stuff, I don't know how they walk up and down them. The floor could barely be seen in the hall.

DH spoke to DSD today and she said her Mum has been sleeping in her bed with her as Mums room "needs sorting out".

How on earth do we approach this? DSD is very protective of her Mum and has just said it's fine and they just need a cleaning day. I'm worried it's more serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried861 · 21/02/2025 17:33

It was planned she is with us until Monday now anyway. DH is going to speak to ex and try and find out what's going on before we take anymore drastic steps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried861 · 21/02/2025 17:34

graceinspace999 · 21/02/2025 16:37

I’d see this as her father’s problem to sort out - leave them to it.

It is and he will but I can't just leave them to it. I have been in her life for 10 years and love her very much.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 18:46

Let us know how it goes

caringcarer · 21/02/2025 19:06

I think SS would try to offer support. They always try to keep families together if they can. If your DH speaking to his ex doesn't dramatically improve things he needs to report to SS. It's not fair to leave dad living like that and it will leave a lifelong effect on her.

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 21/02/2025 19:10

Definitely a big red flag that Mom is not able to sleep in her room.

As others have said there is a health and safety and fire risk associated with hoarding. It can often stem from Trauma so Mom may need multiple sources of help.

Please know OP you will be helping just by having a (I assume) regular organised house with normal mess/tidy/clean cycles - I meant for your DSD to see

But this does need reporting - it just won’t get better on its own

Wonderi · 21/02/2025 19:15

I definitely wouldn’t speak to SS if she’s an otherwise good mum.

She is obviously struggling and DH needs to speak to her and tell her that he can have DD more, so she can sort herself out.

Hoarding or mess is a MH issue and I don’t think it’s fair to ring SS before helping out in other ways.
Obviously she’s fully aware of it and is embarrassed by it.

I would speak to her about DD living with you FT whilst she gets help for herself.

myplace · 21/02/2025 19:16

Ask DD how you can help. Tell her that it’s a very difficult way for her to live and you will do whatever you can to help. She can keep things at yours, get her washing done at yours etc. Stay an extra night whenever she wants etc.

Also say that you understand how hard it must be, and tell her that it is actually potentially dangerous with fire and bugs and that’s why you keep checking in with her.

That it’s an illness that is hard to treat and her mum might need a doctor, and that she is a child and can’t heal her mum.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 19:20

The trouble is if the girl is super protective of her mum it's not going to benefit her relationship with her dad or yourself to get SS involved. The daughter may never forgive either her dad or you.
As others have said it's a conversation to be had by mum and dad to try and resolve the issue.

Dinnerplease · 21/02/2025 19:22

Some councils do offer support services that aim to prevent further SS involvement - have a look at what your council offers. She might be able to engage with some other help.

But if DSD doesn't have her own bed I think I would be raising it with school who could make their own referral after your DH has tried to have a chat.
www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/04/im-never-going-back-to-living-like-this-how-an-innovative-project-is-helping-hoarders

Hankunamatata · 21/02/2025 19:33

When she is at her mums -
Does dc have clean clothes?

Does she smell?
Does she have a place to do her homework and all the things she needs for school?

How is your husbands relationship with his ex

Wonderi · 21/02/2025 19:43

neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 19:20

The trouble is if the girl is super protective of her mum it's not going to benefit her relationship with her dad or yourself to get SS involved. The daughter may never forgive either her dad or you.
As others have said it's a conversation to be had by mum and dad to try and resolve the issue.

I agree.

At least try and help in other ways before resorting to SS.

The least DH can do is have DD more often and wash her school clothes etc

yourmaw · 21/02/2025 19:50

please avoid social services. The "intervention"or threat of it can rapidly esclate.whats dads position?is he \are you willing to speak with mum. to what end?everybody nodding n say yes-very messy is pointless.?are one either both nne willing t offer practicle help? Suggesting go stay with dad might be counterproductive-mum will be aware of mess...clearly struggling to overcome it-suggesting stay away might terrify her.
Can her father perhaps help-yes its all very mums outta hand mess- The list of delay tactics will range from doesnt know where to start...could fill bin bags but no transport to tip, needs absoolute everything just clear loft space etc...I know its not fair on the kid(S) i also know that surrounding self in wht everyone else quite rightly calls pile of shite can be mutated in your own mind into "a safe space" ironiclly.

Original poster
Worried861 · 21/02/2025 19:50

Wonderi · 21/02/2025 19:43

I agree.

At least try and help in other ways before resorting to SS.

The least DH can do is have DD more often and wash her school clothes etc

Show quote history

More than happy to do that. We currently have her 3 days a week. We would have her full time but obviously she loves her Mum.

Always send her home with clean ironed clothes. We have replaced more jumpers, bags, PE kits than I can count.

OP posts:
Bornnotbourne · 21/02/2025 19:54

I don’t know why people say hoarding doesn’t affect children, it really does. I know of a child locally whose parents had a house fire and the crew who put it out informed social services. They visited and discovered a pest problem and the children were removed and placed on a CIN. It’s a miserable way to live and I wouldn’t allow a child to return unless there was a major improvement.

OwlInTheOak · 21/02/2025 19:56

How well do you get on?
Can you or DH speak to her, say you spotted that she'd got a bit of tidying built up and that you've been there before and would be happy to come over with DH and DSD to help tidy up? Maybe add in something about "when my house got messy like that I had my friend come to help and it made it so much easier" etc.
Just something to try and avoid her feeling shame and hopefully accept the help feeling that you've been in a similar way.

MissRoseDurward · 21/02/2025 20:02

I think, as a pp sugested, dsd should be asked about the bathroom and kitchen and whether she has anywhere to sit and do her homework. Based on answers to those questions, her dad might need to tell her she must come and live with him for a while. She might be protective of/unwilling to leave her mum, but she can't fix her mum's problems, and her safety and wellbeing are paramount.

If nothing is done, sooner or later school will notice something is wrong, or dsd will say something to a friend who tells her mum, who tells school, then you end up with ss involvement anyway.

BourbonsAreOverated · 21/02/2025 20:19

Hoarding is a sign of complex mental health issues. this will go beyond offering help. Tread very very carefully.

my best suggestion is to keep your house warm and inviting for her and her friends to feel welcome. She won’t want to insult her mum, risk her mums wrath she will have learnt to keep the shame behind the door.

this is the house I grew up in. If I tried to tackle it my mum would go mad and not talk to me for days. So we learnt to hide it and live with it. I cannot tell you the fear when a friend asked to use my loo once. It was awful. You’d always be ready to go out 10 mins before being picked up so you could run out. And we’d avoid all meter readers etc.

lunar1 · 21/02/2025 20:24

I can't believe someone on here has suggested that the child cleans up this mess.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 21/02/2025 20:35

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 17:11

I suggest that the evidence is that it wont happen whatever you do unless an outside agency gets involved.

Show quote history

Obviously, but it will get DSD out of there “until it’s sorted” (eg never)

exW isn’t the OPs priority or problem, that DSD is living in that is the problem. Getting her out is easier and better plan than any attempt to fix it. A white lie might be the best route.

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 20:44

The issue I suggest is that while her mother isnt the OP's immediate concern whatever happens will to a greater or lesser impact on her step daughter

Clearly as far as is possible the effects on her step daughter needs to be minimised if possible, beyond what has already happened.

Takersgonnatake · 21/02/2025 20:54

I wonder if it’s possible she left the door open for the first time as a call for help. She could have realised the hoarding situation is affecting her daughter and beyond her control and be looking for help/support. I’d be starting with a quiet chat with her and H. I wouldn’t try to shame her but I don’t believe minimising the situation as “a bit messy” or similar is helpful for anyone. If the rest of the house is as bad as the part you’ve seen then this is a serious situation and should be spoken of as such.

Alycie · 21/02/2025 21:08

Usually when a child or teenager says that a room is a bit messy the truth is that it’s really really messy. So you can try asking without raising suspicions about the house’s state and cleanliness, but whatever the situation is, is probably worse than whatever she says. Not only because teenagers are messy, but because I bet she’s been avoiding telling you and her dad about it.

Have you noticed if her mom is washing her clothes, making her proper food (things that would require a full use of kitchen appliances)?

TheLurpackYears · 22/02/2025 14:05

If sd isn't telling you it's a problem then it isn't for you to interfere with. If her dad is concerned then it is for him to sort out .
You and dad's dad can keep on top of your own home.

Lurkingonmn · 22/02/2025 14:13

Lots of good suggestions here already.
It sounds like she needs help but if she isn't reasy to tackle it SS or skipping it etc can add to trauma and make it worse for the mum and DSD in the long run.
If your husband does have a good relationship with her still having a chat about how she is doing and what help she'd accept in improving things would be a good first step. There are FB groups like The Declutter Hub that run free courses or you can join as a member. They work through emotions first and doing one drawer at a time so you see progress then are galvanised into making more progress. It really helped me.
Has DSD's mum been round to yours and seen how she lives there? Knowing she has a clean, safe space there might help her to see that she wants to provide that too. There are lots of methods, tv shows (sort your life out, marie kondo, home edit), books and resources out there but they'll only work if she wants them to.

Swiftie1878 · 22/02/2025 14:14

Worried861 · 21/02/2025 17:34

It is and he will but I can't just leave them to it. I have been in her life for 10 years and love her very much.

Show quote history

I am sure you do love her very much, but this is really none of your business. You can support your DH in any decision he takes, but you must not insert yourself into a situation which is not for you to become involved in.