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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tackle DSD's living situation in her Mums house?

102 replies

Worried861 · 21/02/2025 14:41

By her own admission DSD 13 Mum has always kept a messy house, just one of those things. However I have lost count over the last year or so how many times DSD has lost something in her house and it is never seen again she always says it's lost in the clutter.

When we pick up or drop her off her Mum always shuts the front door and comes into the porch but yesterday she left it open and I saw into the hallway. The stairs are absolutely covered in stuff, I don't know how they walk up and down them. The floor could barely be seen in the hall.

DH spoke to DSD today and she said her Mum has been sleeping in her bed with her as Mums room "needs sorting out".

How on earth do we approach this? DSD is very protective of her Mum and has just said it's fine and they just need a cleaning day. I'm worried it's more serious.

OP posts:
Pelot · 21/02/2025 14:41

Report to social services and they can do a check. It's about all you can do.

Delphigirl · 21/02/2025 14:45

Sounds like the mum might be a hoarder, which is one of the most intractable metal health issues and really damaging for kids to have to live with. It is also potentially a safeguarding issue re fire risk etc. I agree report to social services and suggest somebody needs to visit.

Original poster
Worried861 · 21/02/2025 15:11

Yes I do worry that is the only option really.

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 15:15

Would she want to move in with you full time

There are several hoarding threads on the go at the moment

I wonder if it might be worth adding 'hoarding' to the thread title?

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 15:18

I suppose you could also go to court to change her contact/residence arrangements over the hoarding

middleagedandinarage · 21/02/2025 15:21

I would only go to social services as a very last resort, if it ever comes out you did I doubt DSD will want any more to do with you. Is your partner on good terms with his ex? Could he try speaking to her?

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 15:23

I suggest though that you do need to take some action before you go to law/SS

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 16:02

Ok so DSD's father needs to step up and talk to her mother along the line of whats going on.

She needs to be aware that you know the house is uninhabitable.

There is a question of does he have any interest in the house which he may be able to invoke ie if he's still a joint owner etc

Then either

  1. She sorts it out and it stays sorted or
  2. He will have to step in to protect his daughter via School/Court/SS/whatever
MikeRafone · 21/02/2025 16:15

Pelot · 21/02/2025 14:41

Report to social services and they can do a check. It's about all you can do.

Please don’t report to Social Service

it’s a very tricky situation but having a lot of mess in a house/ home is not going to directly harm dsd

it’s most probably overwhelming

how you tackle this is very sensitively - ask dsd if there is anyway anyone can help her mum ?

ExtraOnions · 21/02/2025 16:16

if she is well looked after, and not in any danger, Social Services are not going to be very interested.

Justasmallgless · 21/02/2025 16:20

Hoarding is treated very seriously now where children are in the home.
However it wouldn't necessarily be SW, it may be early help to signpost her for volunteers to support her..

Why don't you ask DSD if she wants to sleep at yours for a few days whilst she and mum sort out her mums room?

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 16:23

It can traumatise DSD though I suggest that more than a skip will be needed

Wishyouwerehere50 · 21/02/2025 16:29

Going straight to SS is a big no no! You have to be delicate here.

Ex needs to speak with her and gently non confrontationally enquire.

I'd be looking at possibility of more time at yours.

MeridianB · 21/02/2025 16:29

Potential for mental health impact on your DSD as well as fire hazard, vermin etc? Can DH speak to ex first?

The fact that the ex has moved into her teen DD's bed because her own bedroom is too full suggests that this is very urgent now and way beyond a Spring clean.

PassingStranger · 21/02/2025 16:32

ExtraOnions · 21/02/2025 16:16

if she is well looked after, and not in any danger, Social Services are not going to be very interested.

Exactly, they haven't got the time to.police everybody's house.

Can't your SD do some tidying up she's not a baby is she?

MissRoseDurward · 21/02/2025 16:35

The fact that the ex has moved into her teen DD's bed because her own bedroom is too full suggests that this is very urgent now and way beyond a Spring clean.

DSD not having a bed to herself is likely to be something that would concern SS. She is not co-sleeping through her own choice.

Devon24 · 21/02/2025 16:36

I would call SS as it’s very unlikely your dh will be allowed or even able to help. It’s unfair to leave a child in this environment. She has a safe and clean home with you. Her mother needs professional support, and it’s very unlikely anyone can help her.

graceinspace999 · 21/02/2025 16:37

I’d see this as her father’s problem to sort out - leave them to it.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 21/02/2025 16:51

Poor thing, she must hate living like that.

Im another pp who thinks you should call SS.

It's only a short step from living with a hoarder to living in squaler. Don't let it get to that.

Do they have pets?

Pelot · 21/02/2025 16:53

I can't see what good going to the ex would do. It sounds like she has some fairly serious mental health issues. Tipping her off that it was you who went to SS will serve no one. She's not suddenly going to seek help. If she's sharing a bed with her daughter it could easily be school who will call SS. Helping hoarders is rarely successful and requires levels of intervention the UK isn't really willing to invest in. The DD deserves to not be living in a chaotic house.

S18 · 21/02/2025 16:58

I would get your husband to speak to her and suggest that DSD stays with you until she sorts the house out. I wouldn’t be overly polite about it either. She needs to realise it’s a problem - DSD not having own space/bed, fire risk, vermin, DSD not being about to have friends over etc. If she doesn’t agree to sort it/actually sort it then I’d ring SS.

HappyChappieDappe · 21/02/2025 16:59

I think if she's protective of her mum you have to tread carefully that you aren't pushing her away and further into her mums arms. She isn't automatically going to want to live with or see you and her dad more. I suggest her dad speaks to her mum and asks what support is needed and try and get to the bottom of the issues..the crucial thing here is not to be judgemental.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 21/02/2025 17:05

I think I’d take the approach of would it “help” mum if dsd could stay with you for a couple of weeks so mum has the time and space to sort out the clutter. That dsd can take as much of her stuff out of the house “to help”, “so mum knows that’s not junk” etc.

see how long it takes mum to clear her room.

username299 · 21/02/2025 17:08

Can the SD get photos of the inside of the house so you know what you're dealing with. For example, is the bathroom clean enough to use the shower and toilet? Is the kitchen hygienic enough to prepare food?

What exactly is going on with his ex? Is she preparing food? Washing clothes? Paying bills? Eating? Is she drinking heavily?

If she's not coping then intervention is needed. It could be that SD is parenting her mother which is damaging. The NSPCC would be a good first port of call for advice.

JohnofWessex · 21/02/2025 17:11

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 21/02/2025 17:05

I think I’d take the approach of would it “help” mum if dsd could stay with you for a couple of weeks so mum has the time and space to sort out the clutter. That dsd can take as much of her stuff out of the house “to help”, “so mum knows that’s not junk” etc.

see how long it takes mum to clear her room.

I suggest that the evidence is that it wont happen whatever you do unless an outside agency gets involved.

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