WIBU to tell my mum the truth about why DD is not bilingual?

[BlueSilverCats]

For background, me and my mum do not have the best relationship to put it lightly. We muddle along okish for most of the time as long as I keep quite superficial and not engage/end calls when she starts with her bs. She's ok for a while but her ways of thinking always rear up their ugly head.

OH is English, I am not. I'll be honest, I was rather lazy about speaking in my language at home , then she had some SALT issues and my priority was to be understood and be able to communicate properly with her English dad, at school, with her friends etc.

As she grew up, there was another reason, which became more and more important. To protect her from my mum's comments and views , while still allowing them to have a close, loving relationship . That was great when she was little , but she naturally distanced herself a bit as she grew up (teenager now).

My mum is very resentful she can't talk to DD and is always on my case about it, from pitiful "poor me " stuff to petty , vindictive and pointless stuff like " well if she doesn't learn x I won't love her anymore". I just shrug it off or take the blame on being lazy and uncooperative.

Recently we were on a call and she made some disparaging comments over DD's weight (who is a healthy weight according to the NHS) , as she has some very set ideas about weight , with the added disappointment of having a fat daughter. I snapped and I told her this is exactly why I haven't taught DD our language , so she wouldn't be exposed to stupid and toxic comments.

That of course , did not go well. I switch between feeling guilty (because I upset my mum) and being oh well, it is what it is , and she created this situation by being who she is.

You've done absoloutley the right thi g in safeguarding your dd knowing what would inevitably come her way. Good on you. And if mum didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't be such a twat.

YANBU.

Assuming she’s entitled to citizenship etc of your home country it’s a shame she doesn’t speak the language as unless it’s somewhere tiny and remote it would add another string to her bow, so to speak.

However, it sounds like you had a lot going on when she was little so one parent-one language wouldn’t haven’t worked so well for her anyway. Not being exposed to a grandparents slurs are also very valid, and will help your daughters confidence and life too.

If your mum was that determined to speak to her, she’d have learnt English!

Well done OP!

If your mum is saying that if your DD can't speak her language, she won't love her any more, you and your DD would both be better off if you have absolutely nothing to do with her. She sounds selfish and toxic. Don't feel guilty. Your mum is responsible for your poor relationship by making unpleasant comments about you and your daughter.

I get that this might feel quite hard just now, but it's probably best that you did express just how frustrated her comments make you feel. Well done on protecting your daughter from that toxicity too. 💐💐💐

I rarely say this but why are you speaking to your mum any more? I know there’s a language barrier for your DD but keep the woman away from her.

aside from the intentional reason, who I do think is fair, it is a shame your child isn’t bilingual. It’s a huge benefit when the are older. I think I’d have kept the child away from your mum completely rather than away from your language.

however you did what you thought was best and have minimised the impact on your child. But I’d still be tempted to call her bluff, if she doesn’t love your child because of the language barrier she can fuck off and make your lives easier by having nothing to do with any of you.

I don't know how you hadn't said it sooner or gone low or no contact already.

Tbf, it was just a stupid comment with no base in reality. That’s the thing though, she never thinks before she speaks/thinks and just lashes out with whatever stupid thing pops in her head.

In my eyes, I actually did her a favour by hiding this side of her from DD , as they had quite a few years of a lovely and loving, close relationship and while now it's changed and it's a lot more superficial, it still is a relationship.

FOG (fear , obligation, guilt) mostly. Plus , I don't have it in me to hurt her in that way(despite all the ways she's hurt me). I also think I do still kinda love her in some way. With the double whammy of being adopted and some fucked up feelings around that too, it's a lot to unpick. Guess I'm taking the easy way out even if it feels fucking exhausting sometimes navigating it all.

Second languages are a wonderful skill and great for brain development. It seems a shame to have denied your daughter the opportunity to have fluency in another language. Your mum may be unpleasant, but it sounds like you are making her a bit of a scapegoat here.

I do feel some guilt over that tbh, especially as it would've been helpful to DD for learning other languages she does at school, particularly the grammar rules. It is what it is and I'll own up to that if it ever comes up in the future.

Given I’m a language teacher, I find it really odd that you’ve denied your dd the opportunity to be bilingual-free GCSE, more opportunities etc, it surprises me that so many dc with parents who both speak a different language don’t bring them up bilingual.

On the other hand, it’s very common and given what a horror your ‘d’m sounds, I don’t think it was the wrong decision, tbh. Your dm sounds emotionally immature and toxic and your reasoning re protecting your dd must be the priority, plus communicating with her df is key.

Personally speaking, I think that it is a shame that your DD is not able to speak in your Mother tongue. The situation with your Mother is a separate issue.

YANBU for what you said to your mum.

given your mum’s views. parenting and behaviour towards you it was an odd decision to encourage a ‘close’ relationship between her and your DD but to try to ‘police’ it through language rather than other means that wouldn’t have taken away an opportunity for DD.

Oh well, guess she'll have to stew on that by herself. It's not as if she can contact your teenager to complain about how awful you are, is it?

I think that you are a fucking genius - you will get loads of comments about how you should have tried to get DD to learn the language and dealt with your mother separately, but teaching a child a second language and dealing with challenging a toxic mother are two big things to deal with on top of being a parent, you see mums on here being told to drop the stuff that doesnt HAVE to happen and a second language didnt, and given that your Dd could go on to learn the language at any point in her life, and she has at least some nice memories of her grandmother, you havnt robbed her of anything.
I've read too many stories from women whose lives have been ruled by eating disorders, triggered by family members making comments on their weight, to think that you have made the wrong decision here. Your regret over your DD growing up with nasty comments in her ear would have been FAR greater than any regret you might ever have at not raising her bilingual. Honestly, im in awe, making this decision in order to not have your DD hurt - like I imagine you did growing up.

It's an EE language so it wouldn't have been an option at GCSEs(I admit I had no idea that would've been an option for a different language) or offer much opportunity in the future. Just ease of understanding French/latin based grammar rules, which is significant, but not a real consideration at 5 tbh when her speaking started to become less of an issue.

She loves DD and she was a great grandma for years , until DD started getting older. She loves me too in her own fucked up way she just has a very narrow minded view of what's right (which encompasses everything from politics, to sexual orientation, to appropriate behaviour for girls , to weight etc.) . I always fell short of it in every single way, and while DD is much better, she still falls short in some ways, because she's you know, an actual person with her own interests,needs,feelings.Anyone that is not exactly like her would tbh, especially if they're women.

It was a hard balance to find, maybe I fucked up. I had no idea what I was doing, still bumbling through now , but it was the best I came up with at the time.

I find it really odd, given the influx of Romanian immigrants, that that isn’t yet an option at GCSE, but I understand why other EE languages aren’t yet available.

‘she created this situation by being who she is’

woman, get this carved on a tablet of stone. Make it your mantra!

People who have hyper-critical/ controlling/damaging upbringings often struggle with guilt around enforcing boundaries with the people who’ve caused them the damage they want to prevent repeating itself. Grandchildren are a flash-point. We need a psychologist to explain why. My guess is it’s because we internalised a sense of not being as important as our parents really early and so we don’t have a healthy view of our rights as people and our own validity. So we know we need to stop the rot because we learned about effective healthy parenting, but we feel bad for saying so.

You don’t say what age you are. It has taken me until mid-forties to realise that it’s up to my parent to take responsibility for their own behaviour and the consequences. I stood up for my kids a long time ago but it’s taken me a lot longer to stand up for myself.

I now match their energy. Behave sensibly, I’m all in. Abuse or tantrums, I’m right out. There is too little life left to me to spend anymore time being at the mercy of someone else’s behavioural issues. They’ve had their go. Adapt or don’t. I
act accordingly. Sometimes it even works.

You put up a verbal road block and by so doing stopped the fucking-with-your-self-esteem cycle. You enabled your mum and DD to have a grandparent relationship which was hopefully beneficial. Grandparents should not be voicing opinions on the stuff you’ve listed and especially should not be fucking with their grandchildren’s minds. DD’s weight ain’t Granny’s business. Good parenting is sometimes telling people who need to hear it, hi, you’re welcome to your views but keep your comments to yourself please. If that means her huffing and cutting off contact, okay. She could always just adapt her behaviour but clearly that’s not an appealing option.

Also, it’s perfectly possible for your DD to learn your language now or in the future. Okay, it won’t be as natural as it would have been when she was two but you still exist. It doesn’t have to be a straight choice between listening to head-wrecking chat and not ever speaking Romanian. I am slowly learning a language in middle age, sadly the fluent parent is gone. I wish I had had more time to pick their brains and converse with them, I’d have improved faster. You could go full immersion if DD was really interested- you are an amazing resource. Hopefully DD will by then be at a point where whatever she hears in Romanian from Granny will have less impact on her well-being. I do also wonder why - if it’s that important for your mother to get her POV across - she hasn’t figured out how to say ‘attractive women must weigh no more than 60kg ’ or whatever hooey - in English. Maybe she’s not online 😂

Don’t give yourself any more mental hassle over it, honestly, don’t waste your time.

Sorry if it’s not Romanian. I misunderstood from the language teacher’s post.

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. Lots to think about and unpick.

The rule actually is "10 kgs lighter than whatever you are over 1m".

I haven't matched that rule since I was about 11?

How often do you see your mum? I don’t think you are being truthful to yourself. Your dad isn’t bilingual because you didn’t speak to her. You have done your dad a massive disservice and she will probably resent you for that as she gets older. In went to an evening class of a language that was full of adults who could have been bilingual but their parents didn’t speak to them in their language and they were all pretty upset at their parents for denying them this language. Sorry, but I think it’s a real shame

More often when DD was little, but now around once a year for a month. Speak on the phone nearly daily. Yes I'm a dumbass.

It's very possible that will happen. I'll own up to it, blame my laziness , apologise and offer to support if I can/she wants me to.

As a first time (fucked up)parent I'm sure i messed up in many ways and I'll keep doing so in the future.

Mum speaking to a baby and toddler isn't enough to be fluent enough to use it at work or understand natives other than mum. It takes a huge amount of work to teach a second language, including additional schooling on weekends. Between housework, outside work and parenting, who has the energy? GCSE languages mean fuck all unless the child wants to specialise in languages in which case they will be the sort to have the passion and knack to pick up languages anyway. With AI and Google translate plus English being so widely spoken, who cares to learn another language? Focus on maths and science. As for employment, it's cheaper to hire a foreign worker on a remote basis or hire an immigrant with native language skill. I speak multiple languages and so often I hear people big up their mediocre or poor language skills partly because people are so easily impressed by anyone who can speak something other than English however in the real world when you want to use your extra language for something useful you find that you can't because your amateur mommy chatting to you at home just doesn't cut it.
Lastly, it helps child and parents intigrate better if they fully immerse themselves in the culture and language of the host country. There is a lot of discrimination and racism already, speaking a foreign language out and about retains the mums accent and opens them up for more racist and xenophobic abuse in public. The mum is just as deservant to improve her language skills and blend in.
But all of this is more for the comments lamenting not teaching your child, your reason specifically op is very valid and like said, genius actually!