Page 2 | WIBU to tell my mum the truth about why DD is not bilingual?

KookyPeachViewer · 21/02/2025 22:04

Don't blame laziness, you don't sound lazy and it's unfair to say that about yourself when you have done it to protect her. You can tell her you thought it would be for her best to focus on speaking English. When she is older enough to be going to evening language classes and blaming you, as a poster suggested 🙄 then you can tell her it was to sheild her from toxic granny.

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 10:56

KookyPeachViewer · 21/02/2025 22:01

Mum speaking to a baby and toddler isn't enough to be fluent enough to use it at work or understand natives other than mum. It takes a huge amount of work to teach a second language, including additional schooling on weekends. Between housework, outside work and parenting, who has the energy? GCSE languages mean fuck all unless the child wants to specialise in languages in which case they will be the sort to have the passion and knack to pick up languages anyway. With AI and Google translate plus English being so widely spoken, who cares to learn another language? Focus on maths and science. As for employment, it's cheaper to hire a foreign worker on a remote basis or hire an immigrant with native language skill. I speak multiple languages and so often I hear people big up their mediocre or poor language skills partly because people are so easily impressed by anyone who can speak something other than English however in the real world when you want to use your extra language for something useful you find that you can't because your amateur mommy chatting to you at home just doesn't cut it.
Lastly, it helps child and parents intigrate better if they fully immerse themselves in the culture and language of the host country. There is a lot of discrimination and racism already, speaking a foreign language out and about retains the mums accent and opens them up for more racist and xenophobic abuse in public. The mum is just as deservant to improve her language skills and blend in.
But all of this is more for the comments lamenting not teaching your child, your reason specifically op is very valid and like said, genius actually!

Xenophobia was also a consideration, funny you picked up on that. I've managed to protect her from that too.

OP posts:

GreenFields07 · 22/02/2025 11:00

My DH lived in Spain for a few years with his parents, never learnt Spanish as he didnt really need to. Whole family spoke English, they lived in an English speaking area and he went to an English school. He doesn't care that he didn't learn Spanish and certainly doesn't resent his parents. Imo you've done the right thing. It might be beneficial for your DD to be bilingual but its not a necessity and she's not missing out by not being. If she chooses to learn the language when older then thats her choice. Your mum sounds toxic and id probably have cut her out a long time ago. I wouldnt want her views and vile behaviour anywhere near my family.

MumChp · 22/02/2025 11:03

You can't make your mother responsible that your child is not bilingual. It's your choice not to pass on your language.
Why do you maintain a relationship with your mother if it doesn't bring you any good?

MumChp · 22/02/2025 11:05

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2025 15:08

Given I’m a language teacher, I find it really odd that you’ve denied your dd the opportunity to be bilingual-free GCSE, more opportunities etc, it surprises me that so many dc with parents who both speak a different language don’t bring them up bilingual.

On the other hand, it’s very common and given what a horror your ‘d’m sounds, I don’t think it was the wrong decision, tbh. Your dm sounds emotionally immature and toxic and your reasoning re protecting your dd must be the priority, plus communicating with her df is key.

My children are bilingual. No free GSCE. Not all languages are counted for.

Genevieva · 22/02/2025 11:17

BlueSilverCats · 21/02/2025 15:57

It's an EE language so it wouldn't have been an option at GCSEs(I admit I had no idea that would've been an option for a different language) or offer much opportunity in the future. Just ease of understanding French/latin based grammar rules, which is significant, but not a real consideration at 5 tbh when her speaking started to become less of an issue.

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Regardless of whether there is a GCSE avsildd ad not in it, an MFL exam certificate in a mother tongue isn’t looked at as a benefit any more. There are now native language GCSEs that, for example, Mandarin Chinese speakers take. It’s more like Eng Lang GCSE and much harder than a GCSE in Mandarin Chinese as a foreign language.

You have done what worked for your little family and that’s your choice to make. Your volatile mother was probably always going to push you into saying something like that. Don’t let her rattle you.

LaDamaDeElche · 22/02/2025 11:32

KookyPeachViewer · 21/02/2025 22:01

Mum speaking to a baby and toddler isn't enough to be fluent enough to use it at work or understand natives other than mum. It takes a huge amount of work to teach a second language, including additional schooling on weekends. Between housework, outside work and parenting, who has the energy? GCSE languages mean fuck all unless the child wants to specialise in languages in which case they will be the sort to have the passion and knack to pick up languages anyway. With AI and Google translate plus English being so widely spoken, who cares to learn another language? Focus on maths and science. As for employment, it's cheaper to hire a foreign worker on a remote basis or hire an immigrant with native language skill. I speak multiple languages and so often I hear people big up their mediocre or poor language skills partly because people are so easily impressed by anyone who can speak something other than English however in the real world when you want to use your extra language for something useful you find that you can't because your amateur mommy chatting to you at home just doesn't cut it.
Lastly, it helps child and parents intigrate better if they fully immerse themselves in the culture and language of the host country. There is a lot of discrimination and racism already, speaking a foreign language out and about retains the mums accent and opens them up for more racist and xenophobic abuse in public. The mum is just as deservant to improve her language skills and blend in.
But all of this is more for the comments lamenting not teaching your child, your reason specifically op is very valid and like said, genius actually!

A parent speaking to their child in their native language from when they are a baby and continuing to do so throughout their life is absolutely how one becomes bilingual.

OhBow · 22/02/2025 11:40

You played a blinder OP, well done. Given that you kept your dm in your life (it's debatable whether she deserved to be), this was the best way of protecting your dd from verbal abuse.

You protected her from harm and did the right thing.

OhBow · 22/02/2025 11:41

PS tough luck if your dm doesn't like it, actions have consequences.

Scout2016 · 22/02/2025 11:48

Is your ethnicity the same as your mum's? Would it still have been your first language if you hadn't been adopted? If so it's a bit of a shame your daughter hasn't learnt it as part of her heritage, but then has she shown any interest in doing so?

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 22/02/2025 11:51

Well done for protecting your daughter. Your mum sounds awful. It is a shame your girl has missed out on a language though; I wish I was bilingual.

FoolishHips · 22/02/2025 11:53

I wish my mum had spoken a different language to all of us...we'd have got along so much better :)

LondonPapa · 22/02/2025 11:59

BlueSilverCats · 21/02/2025 14:11

For background, me and my mum do not have the best relationship to put it lightly. We muddle along okish for most of the time as long as I keep quite superficial and not engage/end calls when she starts with her bs. She's ok for a while but her ways of thinking always rear up their ugly head.

OH is English, I am not. I'll be honest, I was rather lazy about speaking in my language at home , then she had some SALT issues and my priority was to be understood and be able to communicate properly with her English dad, at school, with her friends etc.

As she grew up, there was another reason, which became more and more important. To protect her from my mum's comments and views , while still allowing them to have a close, loving relationship . That was great when she was little , but she naturally distanced herself a bit as she grew up (teenager now).

My mum is very resentful she can't talk to DD and is always on my case about it, from pitiful "poor me " stuff to petty , vindictive and pointless stuff like " well if she doesn't learn x I won't love her anymore". I just shrug it off or take the blame on being lazy and uncooperative.

Recently we were on a call and she made some disparaging comments over DD's weight (who is a healthy weight according to the NHS) , as she has some very set ideas about weight , with the added disappointment of having a fat daughter. I snapped and I told her this is exactly why I haven't taught DD our language , so she wouldn't be exposed to stupid and toxic comments.

That of course , did not go well. I switch between feeling guilty (because I upset my mum) and being oh well, it is what it is , and she created this situation by being who she is.

What is the language? Is it Russian / Ukrainian? Sounds similar to what happened with us. Still early days though so we corrected it (both grandparent and language). It isn’t too late for you to do the same for your teen DD. Make it special between you both and keep your mum in-check. I find those kinds of GP do need to be kept in check but they do get the message and stop being stupid after a few tries.

speakout · 22/02/2025 12:00

mum is saying that if your DD can't speak her language, she won't love her any more - that would be a deal breaker for me.

OP you sound lovely, your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you in her corner.

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 12:04

MumChp · 22/02/2025 11:05

My children are bilingual. No free GSCE. Not all languages are counted for.

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More than aware of this.

Sonia1111 · 22/02/2025 12:05

I grew up without learning my mother's language, and she is a teacher in it. Now I have my own children I can see how hard it can be to teach your own children things. I have learned a lot of the language as an adult, and my (extremely lovely) grandmother alternates in praising me for it and not being able to hear me as her hearing aids don't always work well. Then it is all "poor you, what a shame", which I have heard for 40 years!

Don't feel too bad about not teaching your daughter the language. It is hard work and you have done loads of other things. A mentally unstable parent is a difficult thing and it might be good to distance yourself emotionally, if you are going to continue to talk to her. Rather than picturing her as the expert and authority, picture her as you would a small child with wild opinions that aren't based in your reality.
I.e. "Oh, yes, I remember you like people to be very slim." "Oh, yes, it would be better if we were all bilingual!"

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2025 12:29

Loopytiles · 21/02/2025 15:13

YANBU for what you said to your mum.

given your mum’s views. parenting and behaviour towards you it was an odd decision to encourage a ‘close’ relationship between her and your DD but to try to ‘police’ it through language rather than other means that wouldn’t have taken away an opportunity for DD.

^ this

If she's that toxic, why expose your family to her at all?

MumChp · 22/02/2025 12:30

LaDamaDeElche · 22/02/2025 11:32

A parent speaking to their child in their native language from when they are a baby and continuing to do so throughout their life is absolutely how one becomes bilingual.

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It works for some families. For others it's much more hard work.

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 12:31

Scout2016 · 22/02/2025 11:48

Is your ethnicity the same as your mum's? Would it still have been your first language if you hadn't been adopted? If so it's a bit of a shame your daughter hasn't learnt it as part of her heritage, but then has she shown any interest in doing so?

Yes and yes. Yes, I can see that, however I'm not particularly attached to it so it didn't seem like a big deal. I do tell her stories and talk about it , I've kept a couple of traditions , but she doesn't have a massive interest .

OP posts:

Mischance · 22/02/2025 12:32

Feeling guilty!? - what the heck for? You did not upset her - she upset herself by being ridiculous and finding she had to deal with the fallout of a situation she had created. Stick to your guns and ditch the guilt!

MumChp · 22/02/2025 12:33

Cherrysoup · 22/02/2025 12:04

More than aware of this.

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Then you are probably also aware of the challenges of a normal family life and school life, where both the community language (English), the parents' mother tongue/s and the GSCE language/s must be accommodated.
I think it can be hard work for both parents and children.

FirstTimeMum881 · 22/02/2025 12:49

I am also an immigrant and have a little boy with an English man. It's a tremendous amount of work on my part to teach him my language. Just speaking it a bit around him is not enough, it takes a lot of active input from me. And at the end of it, he'll be able to understand his grandparents and say a few broken phrases. I'm only doing it so he can have some sort of relationship with my family but he won't be fluent in it and it will do very little for his language skills.

Don't beat yourself up about it. People have no idea how hard it is.

twoshedsjackson · 22/02/2025 13:08

Given the other issues you were dealing with, I can see why encouraging a second language fell by the wayside. As a teacher, I saw what efforts some parents (e.g. Polish, Chinese) had to put into fostering this skill. They did it cheerfully, but regular attendance at Saturday school and regular visits back to the "old country" call for time, energy and commitment, and your DD had other issues with her language development.
However, playing devil's advocate for a moment, couldn't you have taught her a few useful phrases, such as "Give it a rest, you daft old bat!"?

Original poster

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 13:16

twoshedsjackson · 22/02/2025 13:08

Given the other issues you were dealing with, I can see why encouraging a second language fell by the wayside. As a teacher, I saw what efforts some parents (e.g. Polish, Chinese) had to put into fostering this skill. They did it cheerfully, but regular attendance at Saturday school and regular visits back to the "old country" call for time, energy and commitment, and your DD had other issues with her language development.
However, playing devil's advocate for a moment, couldn't you have taught her a few useful phrases, such as "Give it a rest, you daft old bat!"?

Well she does know a few bits here and there, some words, a few nursery rhymes etc. as I did have some attempts before English became a priority and she kinda understands a bit if I were to do very slow basic questions like "want water?" or something. Nowhere near enough to actually hold a proper conversation or understand a stupid rant about whatever.

OP posts:

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:19

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 13:16

Well she does know a few bits here and there, some words, a few nursery rhymes etc. as I did have some attempts before English became a priority and she kinda understands a bit if I were to do very slow basic questions like "want water?" or something. Nowhere near enough to actually hold a proper conversation or understand a stupid rant about whatever.

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You can only support it if she wants to study futher.
If not. Leave it.