To refuse to work full time even though DH wants me to?

[Arabella3]

I think I’m 100% in the right here so asking for validation 😂

DH and I had a baby DD last year and I’ve reduced my hours to do a four day week. DD is in nursery for those days. No family nearby.

It’s emerged that DH is expecting me to go back to five days a week in a year or so. I have no intention of doing this until DD, and hopefully a little sibling, are at school.

Even with my pay cut I pay 60% of the household bills. We have SC who are with us most weekends and all holidays, so my Wednesday off is the only routine time I get with DD. We can’t afford to save much or do fancy holidays after my pay cut but I don’t care, I’d rather have the time with DD.

AIBU?

No he doesn't like working he likes not doing his fair share of parenting /household duties.

Most parents with four kids are a bit skint unless they earn a lot. No fancy holidays, nice cars or plush home extensions for them unfortunately. Their joy comes from spending time doing (cheap) things with their kids.

OP, have you suggested puddlesuits and a flask of hot chocolate to your OH?

They got together in October 2023 he's taking good care of her that's all I want to see.

Unfortunately, yes she does.

I wouldn’t say I did 90% of the household stuff. All the admin and mental load, maybe 65% of the other stuff? He does what he’s told to do! But that’s fine, I am not unhappy about the split and even if he did 100%, I wouldn’t want to work five days a week right now.

Nursery is a household bill so he pays 40%. I couldn’t go down to three days as DH couldn’t afford to pay 50%. I pay for everything to do with my pets or hobbies, he pays for his own hobbies and maintenance. Stuff for all of the children comes from the joint account.

We discussed what we wanted for the future when we first got together and I was very clear I wanted two children of my own or none at all (and in that case, no stepchildren either). Without being big-headed, DH and SC’s living standards went up when we got together, and I doubt he’d be living a flashier life if we separated or if we’d never met. So he is doing what’s best for SC from that respect. And if he’d have preferred to stop at three children he should have stayed single. We’re the same age (late 30s).

Of course I love DH and he’s a great man. I wouldn’t have married him or had a baby with him otherwise!

If he works less he pays in less..... he still wouldn't be happy I'd think.

Thanks that’s a really helpful clarification. I wonder if all the posters who were berating him for allowing you to do 90% of the housework will now acknowledge the split is much fairer and you’re not unhappy with it.

Ultimately OP, he's got a cheek expecting you to work more when he's being facilitated in every other aspect of life, and you're already compromising. He's lucky you agreed to do 4 days.

of course I love DH

this man you love?

he accepts he can’t force me back in to work! But he is a bit grumbly about it because it’ll delay what he wants (extension and holidays etc)

the one who has the above view and earns less than you and bring 3 (3!!) other children to the table?

was very clear I wanted two children of my own or none at all

Can’t get my head around this
So you would have preferred to have never been a mother rather than the mother of one child?

Glad to hear he does around 30/35% of chores. Those notice it’s still what you tell him than using his brain. Hate that with my own dh. You only need to ask.: open your eyes see what needs doing 😅

Still think his out of his mind to think you should work more to also pay more and still do more chores. To fund basically his children because without them life would be sooo much cheaper. Looking at my three children 🧐

How often are his three children with you op?

does he take on more than 30% then?

Your update has made him sound even more spoilt than before. I want, I want, I want. You are a giver and he is a taker and it'll just get worse and worse.

How dare he be 'grumbly' that you won't do even more than the way more than your share that you're already doing.

The entitlement is shocking.

I know that everyone has different amounts of admin depending on their own set of circumstances, but for me 65% housework plus 100% admin plus 100% mental load is easily 90% of the unpaid labour. If not more. It is nothing to put the potatoes on the boil if someone else asks you to, compared to thinking about getting potatoes, organising the getting, getting, storing, thinking about when to use them etc etc

For me that the op is not unhappy about it is the precise problem. She should be. He is completely taking the piss out of her.

CMS will work out a lower payment if a new DC is born.

And I don’t think that’s morally right.

I do agree there. Him choosing to have more children shouldn’t reduce cms, even madder is when they reduce it for step children not even his own child while the step children’s parent should be getting maintenance from their own ex.

The ex can up her working days from 2 to 3.

Splitting his resources between all his DC is morally right. Neglecting to provide for one DC would be morally wrong. If we took your reasoning no couples who sit up would be allowed to have children together. Can't you see how wrong this would be?

Or if each child deserves say 10% each child deserves 10% not 10% then 8% then 6%.

Existing children don’t cost less because younger children have been born blended family or not. In most circumstances younger children technically cost less.

When adding any new child to any family the existing financial commitments should be taken into account and then can you afford even more.

But in this case there is plenty of money for everyone's needs, just not necessarily enough for her DH's extravagant wants. The OP and her husband are both on high incomes, they have discussed and agreed that they intend to have two children together, he is not reducing any maintenance for his existing children, he's just throwing a mantrum because he wants to spend more money on things that are luxuries, at the expense of OP's time with her first baby.

Nobody is stopping anyone having children. What you should do is honour the commitment you made to your existing children. If you can still honour that commitment and not take away from your existing children no issue.

Exactly this.

It doesn’t seem to apply to the OP.

What will happen if you have another child and take maternity leave? Does he really want another child?
Looking forward could you negotiate term time with work, school hours. It’s about half time over the year and you would save childcare when your eldest goes to school.

Oh yes indeed in this case. I was responding in an overall sense of the system.