50th birthday party and no friends! 😭

[AnotherBillyNoMates]

I'm 50 in a few months time. I've never really celebrated my birthday and did nothing for my 40th at all.

I'm kind of feeling like I'd like to do something for my 50th.

The only issue is that I don't really have any friends. Well, not close ones. I know a few people but none of them are close to me and they're all the sort of level of friendship you'd invite once you've invited all your close friends and family if you had the capacity. Except that I don't have anyone else.

I've been in my work place for 4 years. There are probably up to half a dozen people I could invite from there but I think even some of them would be surprised to be invited. Probably only really two I'd describe as 'work friends'.

Two couples I know to chat to in the pub/go to gigs with. Not really friends. We're not in contact outside of these times but I like them.

Probably another two couples I rarely see. One i realise I'm not really sure I like all that much judging by their SM feeds...

My partner, my adult kids, my brother, his wife and preteen daughter.

My partner's sibling and partner.

Probably his adult children and their partners.

And one actual friend (and her partner.)

I can't really do it, can I?

To add to this, we're planning on getting married in a couple of years time and I'm delaying planning it because of this.

He had a huge party for his 50th with loads of friends he'd had for years. I'm just feeling like a bit of a loser I think!

I thought I did but now I don't think I do!
I'm definitely leaning more towards smaller things now.

No need for a party. It sounds as though it would just present a lot of anxiety. I see it’s already been suggested but I’d definitely just plan something amazing with your closest family. A little trip away or even just a special meal. Whatever would make you happy.

I’ve never really had a proper birthday party since becoming an adult. I have lovely friends but they mostly live quite far away so I wouldn’t want to out that pressure on people, so I just do something nice with my DH and DC.

For my recent 50th, I did absolutely nothing which annoyed all my friends and my family as I think they had hoped I would throw one with free food and drink! Sorry no thank you! Don't feel obliged to celebrate in the 'normal' way, do what brings you joy on your 50th, however that looks. My 50th made me realise I really need to do stuff I like to do rather than compromising all the time to fit in with others. I am not saying friends are over-rated but sometimes yes they are, lol!

Happy future birthday! You sound lovely by the way.

This makes me think of the kind of big parties for adults I see on TV shows and films - think of a huge house and garden, crowds of people all in their best dresses and dinner suits, waiters, huge buffet, band playing, etc.
I imagine that the hosts are not actually "friends" with 90% of the people there. It will be acquaintances, extended family, business contacts, political contacts, socialites, people you want to be seen to have connections with.

Alternatively, think of teen drinking parties where you invite practically the whole year at school or college, so no shortage of people. But again, only a tiny number will be true "friends" of the host.

Basically, no body has large numbers of real friends to have a big party with.

Weddings are different, in that there are two people inviting other people they know from all areas of their lives (assuming they can afford a big reception), so the potential guest list doubles.
Also, guests expect to find a wide mix of people of all ages, most of whom don't know each other, so there doesn't need to be a lot of real friends of your age.

I had no friends to invite for my wedding, whereas DH had loads. We put on the wedding invitations something like "we hope all our guests will mix, so there will be no bride's side and groom's side in the church - please sit anywhere". Then at the reception people don't know each other, so it was not immediately obvious that the bride had no friends.

I think there is a few things from your post. Are you happy with your life, in terms of those around you? If not, it’s times to find new things to do in terms of groups, activities etc to change that

Secondly, why does it have to be a party? I’m celebrating my 40th next year and I have a big trip to plan for it. That’s far more me than a party. I don’t like being the centre of attention and have a smaller circle of those around me which I’m happy with

Lastly, if you want to get married. Do something intimate rather than put it off as you are worried you don’t have enough people for a big do

I don't think that this is an unusual situation at all and you're not a loser.

It always amazes me when people have weddings and say it's a small wedding but yet they invite like 150-200 people.

You can still mark your birthday without having a party.

You could book a trip, arrange a meal with your family.

I think the question is, are you content with your situation?

Honestly I’d just change tack. Go for a weekend away somewhere for your birthday. Elope for your wedding and go somewhere wonderful. It can be special with just the two of you.

I think the question is, are you content with your situation?

I probably am content, yes. Not happy but content. I'm happy to have a small number fo friends but, without sounding awful, a couple aren't really people I'd choose to be friends with if I felt I had a real choice.

Like Mr Right Now compared with Mr Right.

My first wedding was like that. I really wanted sething more for my second! Only around 50+ people though, a band and quite a laid back feel. No expectations of guests, dress etc In a field with fairy lights and a hog roast (but not a hog roast) kind of feel.

I can understand why you feel like you should be able to get the numbers together to have a party, whether you ultimately chose to or not. For my 40th I felt exactly the same. I have such a small social circle and it’s an area of my life where I have really struggled. I have two close friends from school (who both have loads of friends) but don’t see them often due to geography. I have a great family and am super close to my DM and Dsis, and I know I’m lucky in that respect. But I worry about a lonely future.

I hate parties. For my 50th, I took myself off, on my own, on a long holiday abroad. It was fab.

Some great ideas and suggestions here. Thanks everyone!

Most of the big celebration parties are really mainly acquaintances. Who really has dozens of close friends, that is ones you see often, go to dinner with, share your darkest secrets with, have a real laugh with, etc. Most so called friends would hardly notice if you dropped out of their lives completely. Just enjoy your celebration with close family, so you can just relax and have a great day.

One of my friends (by which I means someone I worked with about 10 years ago and maybe talk to once a year) decided for her 60th that she was basically going to invite everyone she'd ever known (and liked) that she was still in touch with.
She ended up with quite a good turn out, lots of people met folks they'd not seen in ages, and everyone said how good an evening it was.

I think you will have to expect a fairly large proportion not to come if you want to do similarly though - so perhaps have a small core of "definites" you can fall back on, and accept this in advance.

Don't ever regret not having a big party. I had one for my 40th (I knew a lot of people then), everyone who went tells me it was fantastic and they were expecting me to do it again for my 50th. Except it wasn't great, it took months of stressful planning, caterers, outside bars, etc., huge expense and then on the day itself I couldn't enjoy it at all as I was so busy making sure it all ran ok and everyone was doing what they were supposed to do to keep guests happy. I didn't get to speak to half my guests, and those I was able to speak to it was a brief "thanks for coming". As other people have said many people don't show up without letting you know as well. For me it was a nightmare, I enjoyed the day after when it was all over! Never again. Your camping trip idea sounds fabulous, do that, make your birthday about enjoying yourself with the people you love, not organising things for acquaintances.

Why not book a bottomless brochure or afternoon tea?

Why don't you do away for the weekend or do something less partying?

My dad tried to organise a surprise 50th for me last year. he had even arranged to get my son's band to play but I put the kibosh on it because I knew it wold look so sad with only my immediate family, a couple of neighbours and a bunch of teenage band members there.

I just had a small gathering in my home instead.

How about booking a holiday somewhere with your immediate family.

I LOVE going to other peoples parties but would never have one of my own! Too much stress organising then half of them probably wouldn’t show up.

I’d do a weekend away somewhere amazing - or a holiday of a lifetime for your honeymoon.

100% this! @AnotherBillyNoMates I'd go with a holiday to make memories! Far better than a party!

I organised a SMALL surprise 50th party for my DH and invited 9 people (plus 5 of us) for tea and cake at our house. His sister was working so couldn't make it (& her partner doesn't do social stuff without her so wouldn't come) his brother refused to come as he is an antisocial twat, another friend was away that weekend, another said he didn't like large social gatherings so declined. That left his parents, and his best mate and his wife. The night before his birthday, DH was phone surfing and commented that his best mate was abroad yet again on holiday yet always moaning they were broke. Er.... so he's back tomorrow? No, he just flew out today... WFT?!? I was so pissed off! So it was just his parents who came in the end. I felt quite gutted for my DH. With hindsight I wouldn't have bothered and just done a family day out instead.

I would not bother with a party.
I would simply have a really nice meal with your DH and DC or a long weekend somewhere with your DH or a trip to see Abba Voyage or whatever floats your boat (I'd see the Inside no. 9 play if not sold out) or a tasting menu like off The Trip. Happy birthday!

So for my fortieth I had a meal with family including my dh, kids, parents and siblings
A meal out with my dh, my two oldest friends and their husbands (one of who is my dh best friend) and three of dh closest friends and their partners.
A night out with my mum friends from playgroup, (known2 years at that point)

I could only have done a party if I'd invited all my aunts and uncles and cousins and even then it wouldn't be massive

I had a lunch for my 40th. My DH and our kids. One extended family member. My in laws and a few couples. I thought I would enjoy it. But one of my friends, her husband and child left early because they had something else on / something better to go to that night. It was a 3 course meal and they didn't even have 2 courses each as they had a restaurant booked for later. I paid for everything but came away feeling so silly. MIL kept going on and on about how none of my family were there.

If I could do it again, I would spend the money on an amazing experience with my husband and children and just accept that some people don't have the friendship groups for parties. You can still enjoy your birthday even if you don't have a party. How about using the money to do something you would never usually do / pay for?