50th birthday party and no friends! 😭

[AnotherBillyNoMates]

I'm 50 in a few months time. I've never really celebrated my birthday and did nothing for my 40th at all.

I'm kind of feeling like I'd like to do something for my 50th.

The only issue is that I don't really have any friends. Well, not close ones. I know a few people but none of them are close to me and they're all the sort of level of friendship you'd invite once you've invited all your close friends and family if you had the capacity. Except that I don't have anyone else.

I've been in my work place for 4 years. There are probably up to half a dozen people I could invite from there but I think even some of them would be surprised to be invited. Probably only really two I'd describe as 'work friends'.

Two couples I know to chat to in the pub/go to gigs with. Not really friends. We're not in contact outside of these times but I like them.

Probably another two couples I rarely see. One i realise I'm not really sure I like all that much judging by their SM feeds...

My partner, my adult kids, my brother, his wife and preteen daughter.

My partner's sibling and partner.

Probably his adult children and their partners.

And one actual friend (and her partner.)

I can't really do it, can I?

To add to this, we're planning on getting married in a couple of years time and I'm delaying planning it because of this.

He had a huge party for his 50th with loads of friends he'd had for years. I'm just feeling like a bit of a loser I think!

I wouldn't bother with a party, as I think it would put a bit too much stress and fretting on you.

In your shoes I think I'd plan to go somewhere nice with immediate family and get married at the same time. Double celebration! Would you consider something like that? All you need is a celebrant and two witnesses. Those most important to you will be there, and you get to have a whirl for your birthday too!

It could be arranged for around your birthday if you get your skates on.

(BTW I didn't have a party for my roundy birthdays either, went away and had a ball).

OP, don't bother with a party, spend your birthday with the people who care about you. Lots of people do not have loads of really good friends that turn up for them when asked or needed. Amonst my FB friends, I have noticed the ones who have big parties normally have big families and everyone there is related somehow. When you have a big family, its easy to get swept up in the crowd and you never feel as if you are alone. I come from a big fmaily (no siblings but lots of cousins) but we have all drifted apart/moved country over the years so now my family is tiny. I find it very hard to make friends and tbh, I have given up as I find rejection very difficult. It's like being back at school again and it is too hard for me. You have people in your life who love you and put you first, have a low key birthday with them.

Don't organise something that will flop and cause you more pain.

Organise something amazing, fund a holiday, fund a day out somewhere, do a bucket list trip. Don't spend your hard earned effort and cash on things for show, spend it on you.

This is the problem with ‘milestone’ birthdays, the expectation to have a big celebration and if you don’t you’re ‘sad’ or a ‘loser’.

Many people can’t fill a hall for a birthday celebration, or even get close to filling a hall.

Why don’t you book a weekend away instead?

Sounds like with camping and small catch ups you've got a plan that works for you! I'm heading for 60 so there have been a few of those celebrated among my small friendship circle. Not one has been a big party. Mostly meals of six or eight.

I think this is completely normal. TBH I’m in my 50s and no matter how much I loved you I’d rather chew off my own head than go to a party, and even if I did go I’d be counting down the minutes until I could go home. When I was younger I’d definitely have been one of the first to arrive and one of the last to leave, but I just don’t feel that way any more. I’d rather go away for the weekend to a nice hotel, or go on a holiday, or see a band/go to the theatre and a lovely meal. Organising a party just feels like more work to me!

I get that. Some of these people are definitely up for a night of beer and dancing but others would equally prefer a cup of tea and a board game (and its not the ones you'd necessarily think!)

Id struggle to get together enough people for a party... would be fine if I added all dh family and friends..he has loads!

How about a nice dinner in a restaurant instead....with all the people you listed it would feel like quite a lot for a meal out

Another one who can identify with you. In my 20’s I had lots of friends, but I had time to invest in those friendships. As i got older, commuting, working, young children, married life, all of those things took up so much time, I couldn’t possibly have time for friendships as well.
Friends who also got married and had kids were busy as well.
it is only now, coming out the other side at nearly sixty that I have a bit of time to invest in friendships again.
less energy though..

Being rubbish was half the fun! And it was great for the three pre-teens.

Surely your 50th is a family occasion? I never had any friends to mine but did have family, same with OH, keep it simple i reckon..

I can't think of anything worse than having a big birthday party. My cousin recently turned 50 and had a massive party, which I went to and enjoyed but wouldnt have if it was mine. I made my STBDH promise he would never throw me a surprise party!. When I turn fifty in two years, myself and my STBDH are doing Route 66 together! I don't think I am a loser because I wouldnt be able to fill a room with people. I have one very close friend and about 10 friends who I get together when at different times and different reasons. We are all different. I guess have a think about whether you have isolated yourself, because that's different, and can be rectified, but otherwise if it is just that you prefer the company of a few people rather than many, then whatever! Takes all sorts.

parties are a gift to others, if you don't have lots of people you want to gift expense and energy on, spend it on yourself and do something lovely for you and your favourite people!

For my 50th, DH took me on a weekend away. If I had tried to organise a party, no doubt half the invitees would have flaked last minute. That's what people do these days.I don't have family in this country either, so you are still doing better than me!

This.
I was 50 last year. Went out for a lovely meal on the day then had a week away in a beautiful sea front hotel I'd had my eye on for years. Money was spent on me not flakey rent-a-crowders and the memories still make me smile and feel warm inside. Currently planning my 51st. Friends are not a measure of anything.

I absolutely wouldn't do anything like a party in your situation as people just don't turn up and it would be a very expensive empty room!

I'd do lots of little things spread over the year with each group. So maybe a meal out with colleagues (set menu paid up front by each individual as it ensures they attend..), a spa day with my female relatives, show and meal with my partner etc

OP if you are able to and want to have you considered going to any clubs where you can meet others? I am in my 30’s but have made friends going to a club once a week in the evening.

Please don’t let not having a load of friends stop you from getting married or enjoying your birthday. A small intimate wedding is still beautiful and a day out with DP or a city break would be so much nicer than sitting in a room with many people you aren’t close too

I dont have the capacity for any more social activities tbh. It's one of the reasons my social life is so limited. I really only have the headspace/time for it during school holidays.

I just organised a party for someone else. Even though it was a success with lots of people there, at least 10% of those who had RSVPd and accepted didn't turn up - it's just more of an accepted thing these days it seems. It's not really an indication of how much you mean to people. So I'd save yourself the aggro.

Just to offer a different perspective though, I think this has a lot to do with being a mum. I've noticed that a lot of mums who have friends with children of a similar age tend to keep those friendships going. Whereas when your friends have children who are much older/younger or don't have children at all, the opportunities to meet up become much more challenging - it's hard to meet up without children and hard to find an activity that all the children want to do. Combine that with the fact that many women are so busy juggling children, homes, family (including their partner's family oftentimes), it's easy to let friendships slide. Like all relationships, friendships have to be nourished to stay alive and if you're too busy and perhaps not the most social of people anyway, before you know it you can find yourself quite lonely.

What's true though is that it's better to have one or two good friends/family relationships which are like friends, than it is to have lots of acquaintances type 'friends'.

What's also true is that there are a lot of people who would like lore friends so if you're too busy finding yourself in this situation and have the confidence to suggest meeting up you'll be surprised how often it's met positively.

It doesn't have to be a party. Do an amazing trip somewhere. Lovely meal at restaurant you always wanted to. A full weekend of spa treatments.

How about a virtual party on MN? I will bring the trifle.😊

On a serious note.....why not book a short break with your OH?

Resilience

I'd agree with all of that. For various reasons, many of my friends are into very elderly parents and grandparent territory.

A lot of the parents I know around my own age stil have children at primary school!

Do you want a big Party? Not everyone does.

Personally I think going for a few smaller events is a better option. Eg out for lunch, out to see a show, out for a spa visit .

MyDeftDuck

I'm going to look into camping this evening 👍