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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the problem in this?

94 replies

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:23

I’ll try and keep this brief - my partner and I have had another argument lastnight / this morning.

I suffer a lot with my mental health. I have an adhd diagnosis but honestly I feel like there’s more going on. I am really hypervigilant and have a tendency to overthink.

There’s been a few occasions now where I self sabotage my relationship. I convince myself that my partner is going off me / doesn’t love me as much as before etc. this is really frustrating for my partner as he feels I don’t trust him.
we’ve had some terrible evenings getting into arguments about it, and he loses his temper at me a lot quicker when it happens now.

this is one reason why I worry he’s going off me. I can’t see a world where I keep doing this, and his fuse towards me gets smaller, and yet he’s still 100% happy as he claims.

His point always is “if something was wrong I would tell you, I say this over and over and over again”.

Last night I told him I felt worried that he’s not seemed himself around me. I asked him for reassurance (he will say something and I’ll ask him if he’s sure) a few times and he just lost it.

He said to me he thought I had a bad phase of this last week (we put it down to a bad pill which I have since stopped) but I’m doing it again. He said I’ve been not myself and that I’ve been a nightmare.
He said he wanted to go out for fresh air because he “wanted to be away from me” and he went for a walk for an hour.

Afterwards, he said he is sick of me creating problems out of nowhere, and me trying to fix them is the problem. He said I’m trying to fix a perfectly good window with a hammer.
But he also says things that I can’t understand how he’d be happy with me. He said:

I am ruining things
i stress him out sometimes
i make him feel crazy sometimes
i need to sort myself out in order to improve the relationship - i need to think about me and not him
he doesnt offer comfort anymore - i was crying this morning and he just sat there coldly
he didn’t tell me the good qualities about me when i needed comforting
he constantly tells me how i “have done this so many times”

how does the above equate to someone being “100% happy”? I think this is what I’m not understanding - how can everything I’ve done wrong not have had an impact on him?
he said I don’t need to understand, just believe him.

he also said he is “not a warm and fuzzy type person” when he literally used to tell me I made him feel this way. He said he has moments of this but not all the time.
this made me feel so worried his feelings have changed for me but he’s adamant that they haven’t.

im just so tired

OP posts:

Mercurial123 · 20/02/2025 08:26

What have you done to try to change? It sounds exhausting for your partner, and you're so unhappy.

Fuuuuuckit · 20/02/2025 08:27

He's getting tired of your need for constant reassurance about problems that really aren't there.

Except that in itself is now becoming a problem, so it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

You need to get a hold of this somehow op, or he is going to walk away. Sorry if that sounds blunt but you are sabotaging your relationship.

Original poster

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:27

I’m in therapy at the moment, I’ve tried various meds as well. Honestly I feel like just giving up I don’t feel capable of it

OP posts:

Original poster

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:29

I feel like I’m so aware it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and I want to change, but I don’t even realise I’m doing it in the moment.
He said I “spiral” and that I don’t take in anything he says, and thinks I’m not even trying when I am

OP posts:

Noranydroptodrink · 20/02/2025 08:30

The certainty you're craving that everything is OK is not available - stop looking for it. Even if he could reassure you successfully it would only last two minutes before you'd be feeling uncertain again. You may do better if you can accept that that uncertainty will always be there, and also that people can have a strong relationship even while occasionally feeling pissed off with each other. It sounds a bit like OCD (craving the reassurance).

Miloarmadillo2 · 20/02/2025 08:30

He can separate out you (whatever lovely things he first saw in you) from this behaviour which to be fair to him sounds really annoying.
You need to explore this need to question if he loves you all the time with a third party (counsellor/therapist) or you will sabotage the relationship. What would it take for him to make you feel secure?

Completelyjo · 20/02/2025 08:31

It sounds incredibly exhausting to be with you. It’s not fair to dump all your anxieties onto someone else like this.

Ponoka7 · 20/02/2025 08:33

No-one is 100% happy as such. You can be 100% happy and secure in your relationship and still get pissed off at the person you are with. You are the problem. Or rather, your issues are. Do mental affirmations work for you? Just so you drown out your thoughts? Would you try medication?

BilboBlaggin · 20/02/2025 08:34

I'm sorry but yes, you are the problem here. Your DP probably was once 100% happy, but your constant need for reassurance and creating problems that didn't exist is eroding that happiness. You will eventually push him away if you can't get on top of this. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy - the more you accuse him of not being happy, the less happy he will become.

Original poster

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:35

This is what I dont understand though.

I can see he’s emotionally drained, he’s telling me all these issues etc. so why is he telling me there’s no issue and he’s 100% happy?
its like his behaviour doesn’t match his words but I can’t tell him that because he will say he’s 100% happy and I’m expected to just take his word for it.

He has seemed a bit less interested in me recently but he’s denying it

OP posts:

TheQuietestSpace · 20/02/2025 08:38

@TheAvidLemonSheep because if he says he isn't 100% happy then he knows you'll freak out.

You need to really prioritise therapy. And look up some resources and support for rejection sensitivity. This can be a part of ADHD and also as a result of trauma.

Completelyjo · 20/02/2025 08:40

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:35

This is what I dont understand though.

He has seemed a bit less interested in me recently but he’s denying it

Because you clearly can’t cope with him conveying anything negative to you!
You go on and on about all these issues, needing reassurance, does he still love you etc he clearly feels the need to give you over the top unrealistic reassurance because of your behaviour.

Haemagoblin · 20/02/2025 08:40

You say you think you have something else going on - I would look into BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The self sabotage and paranoia and inability to let it go is all pointing that way to me.

Roseshavethorns · 20/02/2025 08:47

Someone can love a person totally but still become emotionally drained by them. It's why, if one partner is unhappy, you can often see the spark go from the other. They become...lesser.
Could this be what is happening here? He still loves you completely but every time you spiral like this you drain a bit of his spirit and he is just exhausted?

AutisticHouseMove · 20/02/2025 08:48

Completelyjo · 20/02/2025 08:40

Show quote history

It's this.

OP, I'm autistic and I completely understand how you feel on this because my natural state is the same (suspected ADHD too but haven't been assessed).

What cured it for me was going out with an autistic man and being on the other side of it.

It did eventually destroy the relationship. Not because I didn't love him but because it was impossible to live with and was making me ill.

KrisAkabusi · 20/02/2025 08:49

he will say he’s 100% happy and I’m expected to just take his word for it.

This is true in any relationship. If someone tells you anything, you have to take them at their word. What can you do? It's impossible to prove that you have a particular feeling or emotion.

Astronautstar · 20/02/2025 08:51

I feel really sorry for both of you.

You seem to be aware that no matter what he does, your anxiety around the attachment is present.

It seems to make him feel that you are distrustful towards him when you question his feelings for you which is hurtful to him. And you are unintentionally ignoring him in doing so which is being him feel powerless and frustrated.

I don't know what he may be doing to unintentionally fuel your fears. I'm sure he's not perfect

And now he seems out of patience and you are panicking because his behaviour now would suggest that his feelings have indeed finally changed.

Op, I don't think you will be out of this fear until you have the chance to do some work on yourself, probably outside the pressure of actually being in a relationship. Your vulnerability is heightened right now because you're in a relationship and you're hooked on everything it's giving you. It's not a good place to try to work on these issues.

I would suggest that you give him freedom to make whatever decisions are best for him and if he is up to this he will stay but you cannot use him the way you have been because it's not fair. He's not a parent.

Whether you are in a relationship or not , you're going to need to begin being willing to sit with difficult and uncomfortable feelings without trying to make them go away by looking for reassurance. That's a quick fix that reinforces your fears longer term. There no easier way through this but it is possible and you can do it, I promise. You just need to be prepared to sit with these feelings as they arise and work on them rather than hiding from them.

Dancingatthepinkponyclub · 20/02/2025 08:53

You’re pushing him away.
I am sure he is happy but you repeatedly asking him the same things is making him unhappy.
You need some time apart maybe to get yourself a bit more stable.
No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.

Original poster

TheAvidLemonSheep · 20/02/2025 08:53

He said he doesn’t want to live a life where everything he does is questioned and I feel so bad :( and I’m worried now he’s said that, we can’t come back from it and be back to how we were

OP posts:

Butterfly123456 · 20/02/2025 08:55

OP, do you work? Perhaps you have too much free time to create scenarios in your head? I would start a job or an extra job to fill my thoughts and stop making things up.

zeibesaffron · 20/02/2025 08:56

Kindly you are focusing on the wrong thing - percentages of how happy people are fluctuate!

From your list he is clearly telling you what is wrong- he has given you the framework for his frustration to go away and work on - both with your therapist and in your own time. Instead of asking for constant reassurance can you go out for a walk, do an exercise class, find an evening hobby - anything that gives you the time and space to reflect. It also gives him an indication that you are working things through.

Can you have a pack that if you still come back after your hobby or exercise that if you feel wobbly - you can ask him once for reassurance. Then thats it? Can you ask him to write down whatever sentiment you need and you look at that when you need to be assured, rather than asking him all the time.

Ultimately please continue with therapy - he will be exhausted and probably getting irritated by your needs. He is human too and there are only so many ways he can say he loves you and that all is well.

rainbowstardrops · 20/02/2025 08:57

I feel for both of you but ultimately, you're pushing him away. He probably doesn't think he can tell you how he's truly feeling because he's worried how you'd handle it.
Do you think it would be beneficial to have a breather from each other while you try and find some professional help?

BlueSilverCats · 20/02/2025 08:58

While I understand what you mean about his words and reality, and the dissonance in it, the issue is if he was honest it would make you spiral even more. You'd have confirmation of your anxieties and then ramp up your behaviours. He's trying to reassure you and it's not working because you know that things aren't 100% ok. Confirmation wouldn't help either. So what can he actually do? Nothing. The only one that can change things is you. Even if things can never go back to how they were , or it ends, you owe it to yourself (and any future partner)to work on this if you do want to have a healthy relationship.

Tulipsandaffodils · 20/02/2025 09:00

You’re pushing him away, sadly op very few people can live like you request he does,

what he means on the 100 percent happy is if you stopped these behaviours he would be perfectly happy in the relationship, that there is no need for you to do this, as he is not the issue.

however you do do it, even though he is repeatedly telling you he is happy and to stop, that it is now significantly impacting him.

I think it’s good you’re getting help, but it does sound like your recovery is a work in progress, and he may need to exit the relationship whilst you get healthy.

pinkdelight · 20/02/2025 09:02

I can see he’s emotionally drained, he’s telling me all these issues etc. so why is he telling me there’s no issue and he’s 100% happy?

To get you to stop going on about it.

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