Am I the problem in this?

[TheAvidLemonSheep]

I’ll try and keep this brief - my partner and I have had another argument lastnight / this morning.

I suffer a lot with my mental health. I have an adhd diagnosis but honestly I feel like there’s more going on. I am really hypervigilant and have a tendency to overthink.

There’s been a few occasions now where I self sabotage my relationship. I convince myself that my partner is going off me / doesn’t love me as much as before etc. this is really frustrating for my partner as he feels I don’t trust him.
we’ve had some terrible evenings getting into arguments about it, and he loses his temper at me a lot quicker when it happens now.

this is one reason why I worry he’s going off me. I can’t see a world where I keep doing this, and his fuse towards me gets smaller, and yet he’s still 100% happy as he claims.

His point always is “if something was wrong I would tell you, I say this over and over and over again”.

Last night I told him I felt worried that he’s not seemed himself around me. I asked him for reassurance (he will say something and I’ll ask him if he’s sure) a few times and he just lost it.

He said to me he thought I had a bad phase of this last week (we put it down to a bad pill which I have since stopped) but I’m doing it again. He said I’ve been not myself and that I’ve been a nightmare.
He said he wanted to go out for fresh air because he “wanted to be away from me” and he went for a walk for an hour.

Afterwards, he said he is sick of me creating problems out of nowhere, and me trying to fix them is the problem. He said I’m trying to fix a perfectly good window with a hammer.
But he also says things that I can’t understand how he’d be happy with me. He said:

• I am ruining things
• i stress him out sometimes
• i make him feel crazy sometimes
• i need to sort myself out in order to improve the relationship - i need to think about me and not him
• he doesnt offer comfort anymore - i was crying this morning and he just sat there coldly
• he didn’t tell me the good qualities about me when i needed comforting
• he constantly tells me how i “have done this so many times”

how does the above equate to someone being “100% happy”? I think this is what I’m not understanding - how can everything I’ve done wrong not have had an impact on him?
he said I don’t need to understand, just believe him.

he also said he is “not a warm and fuzzy type person” when he literally used to tell me I made him feel this way. He said he has moments of this but not all the time.
this made me feel so worried his feelings have changed for me but he’s adamant that they haven’t.

im just so tired

You should try some EMDR therapy. I've have ADHD and talking therapies don't work for me. Have you experienced trauma in your life?

This says it perfectly.

It sounds as though he loves you but is getting to the end of his tether of having the same (non-existent) issues over and over. I know it’s not your fault and you say you’re in therapy and working on things, but it does sound extremely mentally draining for your partner.

When I spoke to an NHS MH nurse/therapist recently they acknowledge that they now understand that talking therapies/CBT/DBT etc really don’t work that well with ND people. EMDR is definitely one of the therapies I’ve seen suggested as being more effective, so there are definitely ‘better’ and alternative approaches out there. OP needs to find a specialist who has experience of working with ADHD to get the best possible outcome, I think?

Can't add anything, MN is full of wise Buddha's who have worded things so much better than me

It actually is EMDR that I am about to try. We have only had two sessions just to discuss things so far, but we are diving into processing this week. I just really hope it can change things

It was wonderful for me. Changed my life.

Same!

Of course he is exhausted.

He is trying to reassure you. To make it clear that he does love you. But also that will only go so far and in reality your need for constant reassurance and questioning him is going to destroy the relationship. My ex was like this. I did love him. And it would have lasted forever but there was only so many times I could deal with his relentless neediness. It was exhausting. And ruining not only us as a couple but also me as a person. I went from being so happy loving him to dreading coming home because I never knew if I was going to get the man I loved or this needy mess.

You know what you’re doing.

I had to end a relationship with my ex partner who had BPD because it was word for word like this. It’s absolutely draining. No one wants to live like that. There’s a difference between a problem you work on v living in Groundhog Day of unwanted drama and stress. Yes it’s going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don’t take steps to work on it and the therapy you’re in doesn’t seem to be helping.

Groundhog Day! Yes. That was it.

Well the fact he has said he is 100% happy without you apart from that should tell you that you CAN come back from it - if and only if you can stop yourself from obsessively questioning him and seeking reassurance.

When you spiral you need to get some self control. You can't stop the way you feel during those moments but you CAN stop yourself freaking out and desperately questioning him...if you make the choice to. That's all it takes - making the choice to stop the actions you're taking.

In time you might learn to self soothe, reassire yourself etc and become a more secure person - that's best case scenario as then you'd freak out a lot less. However even if you can't manage that right away (it's difficult!) You can definitely take some control of your behaviours.

You are putting him in an impossible position where nothing he can do or say will be acceptable to you.

You ask him if he’s happy with you for the 50th time and he says ‘Yes, 100%’ to try and reassure you. As a result, you think he is fine with your exhausting, obsessive behaviour and therefore you think it’s safe to keep behaving like that, and eventually it becomes intolerably suffocating for him.

You ask him if he’s happy with you for the 50th time and he says ‘Look, this is exhausting and not normal and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, please try to stop behaving like this before it becomes intolerably suffocating’. But all you hear is ‘I am not 100% happy’ and instead of trying to deal with your behaviour you just demand more and more reassurance until it becomes intolerably suffocating for him.

He has told you how badly your behaviour is affecting him, and your response isn’t “This behaviour is obviously hurting the man I love, so what can I do to try and address it” but “He hasn’t reassured me, and that has made ME unhappy, why doesn’t he want to make me happy?”

His love and constant reassurance isn’t enough for you OP, while you are in this high state of anxiety. You can’t help but disbelieve him. But you already know that the problem is coming from you.
It’s almost as if you want to catch him out with a lie when he says he loves you 100% so that you can then blame the lie.

The fact probably is that he wants to be with you and loves you as much as ever he did, but wants you to get better so that you don’t place this extra burden on the relationship any more.

Yes, all the things you listed that he has said are believable because when you are on a downward spiral you take the relationship with you. In fact, those words that you list show you that he cares. Stop worrying that he is going off you before this cycle as you eloquently describe it yourself, deepens any further and focus instead on action to help yourself.
He and his commitment to you really isn’t the problem as you know. Pecking away at it will only make things worse.
Can you try to resolve to stop questioning him, calm your thinking and to self-help?

The onus is on you to get better OP, with as much outside support as possible. He can’t do it for you.

Instead of making a list of his words to try to prove he is lying, accept that he cares and make a list of what you can positively do to help yourself get back to reality.
Use all the responses on here as there is so much good advice already.
And also use suggestions from your therapist, doctor, family, friends. Give your doubts to them instead of your partner if you must.
If you can possibly muster the strength, busy yourself with making that list and acting on it for a good few weeks before summer comes. See how you feel then.

I know it’s hard to switch your brain around from one belief to another when your brain doesn’t want to trust, but ultimately that is the job that is facing you now.
Sending every good wish to help you along the way. Good luck OP.

Summed up very articulately. ^

Having been the person who is always put in the "reassurer" role, it can be hard bloody work. Your capacity to sit and make sympathetic noises at the same old non-problems is soooo draining.

When you were sat there crying, and he wasn't responding. How many times in the past has he attempted to comfort you, and yet here you go again, flogging the same old dead horse? He's probably reaching the "why bother?" stage.

He probably would be 100% happy if you would stop going on with the constant hand-wringing and navel gazing.

Let's say your partner is eating a burger. You ask him if he likes burgers, it's a token gesture of making conversation, you know he likes burgers and is clearly eating one. He nods and replies that he loves burgers.

You'd believe him. You wouldn't ask, over and over again, "but do you really like burgers though?" every single day. It would be weird and irritating. It would make him avoid eating burgers to stop the conversation coming up, and then you'd start questioning why and start asking him if he doesn't like eating burgers any more.

This is what you're doing. Believe people. Work on your trust issues. Stop sabotaging your relationship for no reason. Think about how great your relationship would be and how happy you'd both be if you fixated on something else instead.

I might be wrong, but it sounds like an insecurity, self esteem issue. So what you are feeling might be," I'm not worthy of his love, or, I'm not lovable? "But what he's hearing from you is "you aren't loving me properly/enough?" I can see why it's frustrating for him, but equally as an anxious person I can see how exhausting it is to do this to yourself as well. I wonder if there is a positive way to shift it, when you feel yourself worrying about the relationship to maybe put that energy into doing something loving for him, rather than asking him a question and stressing him out, pushing him away?

It's an ADHD/ND thing and when she's spiralling like that she doesn't have the capacity to do something nice for him or anyone else.

You get completely caught up in your own head and even though there might be something you really want to do, physically, you can't move sometimes.

I have times when I really want to just hug my partner or ask him for a hug but I can't move or speak. I can't do anything.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common with ADHD.

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd

The fact that someone cannot help something doesn’t make it any more bearable or reasonable for those around them.

The OP is currently subjecting her partner to emotional abuse. Whether she can currently control it or not, it is not fair to expect him to live with it.

If it is an ADHD linked behaviour, that doesn’t mean it can’t ever be alleviated or managed and the OP needs to take steps to do that for her own and her partner’s sake.

TheAvidlemonsheep
I suffer from the same insecurities as you, op
I ruminate on whether my partner or son love me enough and then feel compelled to seek reassurance, which often goes wrong as it irritates them, which confirms to me that I was right all along!!!
We have the same problem. I've never met anyone else who seems to suffer with exactly what I do!!It's an obsessive need for reassurance. But the right kind of reassurance.
My ex-boyfriend used to blow-up at me and said to me "why don't you write me a script "
If you want to message me op. We might be able to reassure each other

With kindness, I have a friend almost identical to this and I have to limit my contact with her for my own sanity because the constant (and I do mean constant) need for reassurance and validation is exhausting. It's just relentless and it doesn't matter how many times I say the same thing over and over, it just never stops and the only way to make it stop is to just not answer the phone. It's not a good way to keep hold of people in your life and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because in the end you will push people away which then justifies those thoughts to yourself that people don't really like you.

Everything your bf has said I can relate to. It really is something you need to work on yourself with therapy and it might be ongoing. Being constantly asked over and over for reassurance over the same things again and again really does get thoroughly exhausting. This does sound more a you issue than a him issue. Constantly looking to other people for your own security and happiness doesn't work in the long run. You need to get to a place where you don't need all that endless reassurance because you trust your own counsel in life.

It sounds like an OCD thought loop or intrusive thoughts where no matter what you're being told, you are not able to process new and contra information because this main thought is so big in your head.

Eg you are fixated on your dp "going off you", even when he's told you he's stressed by how you're behaving you're still only concerned that him telling you how stressed he is shows he's gone off you.

Have you had treatment specifically for OCD or intrusive thoughts?

Sorry, but yes you are the problem here
Your DP is being very patient but of course it's emotionally draining when you even acknowledge yourself you're self sabotaging the relationship
He's trying to say " if it ain't broke, don't fix it" it's your thoughts you need to stop and fix otherwise you drive him away
If you value him, you need to do more.
Hobbies? Sports alongside the therapy

You sound a little similar to my partner, he is constantly worried I'm going off him, panics, questions if I'm happy all the time if I'm not sitting smiling from ear to ear, is paranoid. And I can honestly tell you it's exhausting, like your partner my fuse has got shorter and shorter. I love him entirely even though it's draining, and he is trying really hard to improve as this is HIS issue. Just like it's YOUR issue. You need to stop this, you will push him away. Just enjoy being together and honestly take his word for it that he's happy.

This sounds exhausting!

If you don't believe him when he says he's happy then for both your sakes, leave him before it explodes. You badgering him is what is causing the stress.

Work on yourself before getting in to another relationship and starting the whole cycle again.