Am I the problem in this?

[TheAvidLemonSheep]

I’ll try and keep this brief - my partner and I have had another argument lastnight / this morning.

I suffer a lot with my mental health. I have an adhd diagnosis but honestly I feel like there’s more going on. I am really hypervigilant and have a tendency to overthink.

There’s been a few occasions now where I self sabotage my relationship. I convince myself that my partner is going off me / doesn’t love me as much as before etc. this is really frustrating for my partner as he feels I don’t trust him.
we’ve had some terrible evenings getting into arguments about it, and he loses his temper at me a lot quicker when it happens now.

this is one reason why I worry he’s going off me. I can’t see a world where I keep doing this, and his fuse towards me gets smaller, and yet he’s still 100% happy as he claims.

His point always is “if something was wrong I would tell you, I say this over and over and over again”.

Last night I told him I felt worried that he’s not seemed himself around me. I asked him for reassurance (he will say something and I’ll ask him if he’s sure) a few times and he just lost it.

He said to me he thought I had a bad phase of this last week (we put it down to a bad pill which I have since stopped) but I’m doing it again. He said I’ve been not myself and that I’ve been a nightmare.
He said he wanted to go out for fresh air because he “wanted to be away from me” and he went for a walk for an hour.

Afterwards, he said he is sick of me creating problems out of nowhere, and me trying to fix them is the problem. He said I’m trying to fix a perfectly good window with a hammer.
But he also says things that I can’t understand how he’d be happy with me. He said:

• I am ruining things
• i stress him out sometimes
• i make him feel crazy sometimes
• i need to sort myself out in order to improve the relationship - i need to think about me and not him
• he doesnt offer comfort anymore - i was crying this morning and he just sat there coldly
• he didn’t tell me the good qualities about me when i needed comforting
• he constantly tells me how i “have done this so many times”

how does the above equate to someone being “100% happy”? I think this is what I’m not understanding - how can everything I’ve done wrong not have had an impact on him?
he said I don’t need to understand, just believe him.

he also said he is “not a warm and fuzzy type person” when he literally used to tell me I made him feel this way. He said he has moments of this but not all the time.
this made me feel so worried his feelings have changed for me but he’s adamant that they haven’t.

im just so tired

What is he doing or not doing that makes you feel he is going off you? How does he show less interest in you? Can you elaborate.

Respectfully it (EMDR) won't change anything. Its a tool, one of many out there, for you to use so that YOU can change YOU

Only you can change you. No one and nothing else can do it for you

How can your partner reassure you he's 100% happy, if he's questioned repeatedly by you, and you need constant reassure/attention? It's utterly draining, frustrating and nothing he says truly makes any difference. He's not unhappy with the relationship, it sounds like he loves you, but absolutely he must be unhappy with your behaviour. You don't need him to spell that out to you, it's glaringly obvious. He's drained, mentally exhausted and frustrated with the situation. What are you doing to help yourself? Therapy is good, but either it's the wrong type or you need more of it. You can't continue like this, you are going to drive him away, not because he doesn't love you, but because he can't cope with your draining behaviour any longer. Everyone has a breaking point, and it sounds as if your partner is nearing his.

I know and i agree with you.

I wasn't commenting on that particular issue I was responding to a poster who said it sounded like she was anxious and to do something loving for her partner when she feels like this.

I was explaining to her why that isn't an option.

I didn't suggest that meant it wasn't a problem and, in my other replies, I've said that it is.

So you're creating another issue from an original non existent issue?

He will have his breaking point, OP. He will get to a stage where he has to prioritise his MH.

Please get more help.

My red flag from this is your inability to understand how someone can care about you and be happy with you, while still getting frustrated at elements of your behaviour (which sound like an exhausting nightmare). Suggests that you can’t do that because you don’t understand it.

If you can’t keep sight of what you love about a person while simultaneously being hugely pissed off by them, you’re into major black and white thinking. Nothing to do with ADHD as far as I’m aware (I’m diagnosed, as are several of the people who are my closest friends and family - we’re the only people who can handle each others’ flakiness 😂).

It sounds more like you’re constantly trying to push him away, before he can abandon you (which feels inevitable to you I guess, from your posts). Seeking constant reassurance that he isn’t going anywhere to assuage your panic, even though you know that asking is going to push him further from you, then splitting and devolving into huge arguments.

None of this sounds particularly healthy or helpful and I’m really glad you’re getting counselling. I think talking through what’s underpinning your panic and fear of abandonment can only help.

OP - I have ADHD and recognise your behaviours. I have been taking a low dose of venlafaxine and it has been a game changer for me.

We have gone from monthly rows that lasted 5 days or more to 4 months now with nothing more than a minor cross word and 30 second pout.

Therapy helped me a lot because I had very low self esteem but ultimately the medication is what has helped me most. Magnesium also helps.

Are you ok, do you love me?
-yes

are you sure?
-yes

yes you sure you’re ok or you’re sure you love me?
-both

well it’s just you don’t look like you’re ok
-I'm getting pissed off you keep asking me like you don’t believe me!

see!! You’re not ok!!! How can I trust you to be honest with me!!!
-FFS I was ok until you started interrogating me about my feelings!!!

is it something like that? Can you see how that is created by person 1?

I agree with this.

I don't think you sound like you're in the right headspace for a relationship right now. You need to prioritise your mental well-being and he needs to prioritise his. Badgering someone like this day after day is unhealthy at best and abusive at worst. He is not on this earth to fix you OP-you need to do that for yourself.

Because he's trying to avoid another blow up? Come on OP, you're being incredibly unfair here.

He can't win, can he?
You ask for reassurance and when he gives it you ask him to do it again. And again. So he says 'I'm as happy as I could possibly be', and you don't believe that either and challenge him yet again.
It is increasingly possible that you will succeed in driving him away. Would that be a relief, in a way?
This is something you need to work on on your own OP, he can't help you.

He’s saying that because he’s still trying to reassure you. If he said “no I’m not happy”, what would you say or do? To sort of quote the film - can you handle the truth?

My DP is a lot like you, constantly seeking reassurance, not believing me when I try to say what I think he wants to hear. It can be very draining. TBH I don’t tell him that as I know it would make things worse and he’d be like “see, i knew you were lying, what else are you lying about? Do you even love me at all?” and he would spiral- potentially reverting to unhealthy coping mechanisms and self harm.

So your DP is probably torn between being exasperated and worried you’ll escalate if you know HOW exasperated he is.

Keep going with counselling, maybe try some other kinds as your relationship won’t survive this interrogation indefinitely. You know you’re making it a self fulfilling prophecy and you need to stop the vicious circle.

I think @Diningtableornot might have hit on something - I do think that when you’re expecting the worst (ie he dumps you) it can almost be a relief to be right and then all your anxiety feels justified and not the massive waste of energy that it actually is. You have taken control of the situation by driving him away and hastening the “inevitable” (as you see it) end.

Maybe something to explore in counselling?

Hello :-)

At least you're on here trying to get help so be proud of that.

You sound a little like my friend. She had an insecure up bringing and self sabotages a lot too.

Have you had a look at relationship attachment types? This can feed into your rejection sensitive dysphoria. The problem is the more you push him, the more he pulls away.

Are you sure he is the right man for you? Do you need someone who is more vocal and showing of their affection to you? Is this something he cannot do.

I would also recommend doing your love language and getting him to do one too.

It sounds twee but people show their lovebin different ways. So if he's acts of service, he may do things out of love for you instead of being emotionally demonstrative. The point is, being able to see evidence of his affection for you in a different way, may make you see the love you think isn't there.

The problem is it might be that you two just don't work. And the lack of what demonstrates love to you might be triggering you.

I'm someone who needs physical touch, words of affirmation and acts of service. I'm not about monetary gain or gift giving.

My partner shows me love by cooking meals and doing things for me that make my life a bit easier. He can be vocal but not as much.

By learning about why you feel so rejected, instead of just putting it all on him, may make you realise why it happens. And then you can work with it.

There are many self help books out there and many youtube videos on self sabotage and the avoidant anxious insecure attachment type subjects. I really recommend you looking those up and being honest with yourself.

Ask yourself questions like how was my upbringing, what did I learn about myself growing up. Did the people around me make me feel safe or unsafe? Was I bullied? All important questions.

You deserve to feel love but your partner is just a man. No one can fill that void but you. Putting someone on such a pedestal for uour self esteem is not a good idea and cannot be sustained. Only you can do that.

I wish you best fellow Nd person.

One thing I cannot stand is providing constant and pointless reassurance. Do you still love me? You don't seem okay" etc etc. Bores me to absolute tears, and I have little to no patience.

It's a blunt approach, I know, but I am not surprised he gets annoyed by it.

Then I will tell you......... he isn't 100% happy, but he doesnt dare voice it because of how you are behaving and will behave.

If you are this bonkers when he is placating you, imagine if he said anything but 100% happy.

He will walk.
You are lucky he has put up with it as much as he has.

Its all a bit self indulgent on your part. It's not all about you.

Lord have mercy you sound exhausting. Why do you need constant reassurance? If my DH was like this it would give me the ick. Have some dignity and trust he is with you because he wants to be. Carry on and you will have your wish.

I think my mother has this. The paranoia is exhausting. I feel absolutely fine with her and the world yet she convinces herself that I don't like her. I'm experiencing burnout and I want to get away from her false accusations.

I understand this a lot more than you think, and I respectfully disagree with you. We all have our own experiences, and I shared mine. Just because it worked for me, doesn't mean it would work for everyone, but just because it wouldn't work for you, doesn't make me wrong. She isn't frozen unable to speak like you, so maybe instead of saying "do you love me" on repeat, she can say "I love you" and initiate a positive interaction, rather than a negative one.