Half/step siblings

[Pickledeverything]

If your children have half or step siblings do you correct them when they say “brother/sister” so they use the proper term?

YABU - yes I do
YANBU - no I do not

That is understandable but get help. For your own sake. Stop hurting your children because you are hurt you didn't get the life you wanted. No one really does .

My partner grew up with his step sibling his entire life, I'm not going to police how he refers to them

This is an excellent post.
Op, I remember posting on your old thread ages ago. Sorry if I was a bit harsh on this one.
You really need to try your best to lose the bitterness and work on your confidence, self worth and happiness. It can't be fun living life sad and angry and bitter. You deserve happiness, and your relationship with your daughter is at stake. Start thinking positive to the future instead of holding onto resentment over the past.

I have a half brother who I never lived with (he’s 16 years older than me and my dad was a shit dad to him as well). We saw each other maybe 2-3 times a year growing up. He’s a complete knobhead and i haven’t seen or spoken to him in 20+ years. I still call him my brother. It’s just easier. I will elaborate if necessary if people look confused. That doesn’t happen though because I often forget he even exists. 😂

I doubt he’s changed that much. Probably people looking in from the outside thought you had a good marriage.

You’ve got your child & you’ve got out of a shit relationship. It’s easy to say, but comparison is the thief of joy. Try to find that joy in your relationship with DD. Mumsnet is a good place if you need to vent, but try & stay positive in front of DD. 💐

Get some therapy and stop taking your issues out on the children l. If they all get on and see each other as siblings then what's the harm done. Unclench and try to get on with your life instead of point scoring with your ex.

Sometimes even if you cant believe it or don't want to accept it but stepparents can genuinely love that child and be in their lives even if they got divorced. I know someone who calls they stepdad their dad even though the mum has been divorced from them for 20+ years because that man was the person who brought her up and was more of a father then her biological dad was.

You really need to stop enforcing your child to specifically say half sibling. They should be able to just say brother or sister if they want roo. My DH has two half siblings, they all just say brother or sisters and don't differentiate.

Just seen your updates, you need to try and seek help or counselling. You don't want to push your child away because of your hurt. It's completely understandable how you feel but you absolutely need to try to heal yourself. ❤️

Don't be ridiculous. Step siblings should refer to themselves and their step siblings however they choose. It's their relationship and their business. If someone was talking about their sibling, why would anyone need know that the sibling was actually a step sibling?
Of course a child can have as strong a bond with a half sibling as they can with a full sibling. The strength of sibling bonds depend on much more than the amount of DNA, if any is shared.

Why not though? Say for example mum has a 4 year old then a baby with someone else. Literally the children are " half" siblings but will grow up in the same house . What difference does the fact they have different biological father's make?

I think it depends on the situation.. my kids have a half sibling on their fathers side who they've never met and they don't have contact with their father. I don't refer to this child as their sibling and neither do they but obviously that's a different situation to the op.

The word step or half sibling has never ever been uttered in our house. They think of each other as full sisters and brother. Two from 1st marriage 1 from 2nd. No one even knows they have different fathers.

My DDs have a half brother in our house, a half sister and a step sister in exdh second wife's house and a half brother and 3 step brothers in their dad's current house with third wife.

They refer to them all as brothers and sisters except the 3 step brothers as they met them as adults so do not feel a sibling relationship with them.

I wouldn't dream of correcting them as it's like implying the relationship is lesser. Obviously there may be times you need to clarify but a similar "they're his dads children" should suffice

However, parents who actively pretend like the half makes no difference do so for themselves. It is like they don't want to admit or accept that a child will never have as strong a bond with a half sibling as they would with their full sibling.

It think depends on where they live, if they live together they bond as full siblings.
If they don't live together, its different.

I have a few friends that blended families,,

A friend with 3, the youngest, the half sibling, is very close to older siblings he lives with.
He isn't as close to Dad's first set of children.

It's all a bit messy, especially if they split and a 3rd/4th family are merged.

However, parents who actively pretend like the half makes no difference do so for themselves. It is like they don't want to admit or accept that a child will never have as strong a bond with a half sibling as they would with their full sibling.

This just doesn't make any sense.

If both children are raised together from the youngest birth, as 'full' siblings would be, how would it have any bearing on their relationship?

Seems so weird that anyone would want their kids (step, half, whatever...) to use language that creates division and makes at least 1 feel less like they belong, than to use language that bonds them together and creates a sense of belonging?!?

(other than the pissed off ex etc.)

Surely having them literally see themselves as "all one big happy family" is a good thing?

Finally a bit of sense you really should let go of clear hatred for your child's sake and if your other thread is true you really need to be more flexible with letting child see her other family at weekends yes I know you don't like thought if them all happy together going somewhere nice at weekend but if he goes for 50/50 you will see your child less unfortunately your child has two parents not just you

I would not. I have half siblings and I never call them that, it's just brother/sister.

God no, what an awful thought.

Blimey, how awful to correct children saying “brothers and sisters”.

I’ve skimmed the thread and can see it’s painful for you but this isn’t the way to go.

I always call my kids siblings just that - brothers and sisters - but they are technically half siblings from my exh.

Even if I’m explaining to others, if my dc are there I’ll say “dc have a brother and sister who aren’t my children/ who are their dad’s children” etc

I’d never say half!

It’s just hurtful to your own dc to say that.

My child talks about their “brothers and sisters” often. They don’t have brothers and sisters. They have step brothers and half sisters. I’m sick of constantly having to correct them and then explain to other people the family dynamic because they are obviously confused. Several people agree with me as shown in my poll. They just haven’t spoken up yet.

I absolutely do not agree with you. When I was pregnant with my eldest DD, my then SDD would say happily that she was having a baby brother or sister. Then she started saying that the baby would "only" be her half brother or sister. I gently said that yes, they only shared a dad but one day the baby would have other siblings and if SDD wanted to choose to be the odd one out, that was up to her,but in my mind,none of them were "half a person". It was her Mum trying to diminish the relationship they would have and more harmful to SDD than anyone,I guess.

As it is, I did not have more DC with him, he left me and I had 2 more DC with my partner of 20 years.

My eldest DD doesn't have a relationship at all with her older sister but is very close to her younger siblings. My DP is very much an involved Grandparent to my eldest DDs children, has my eldest DDs name tattooed on his arm and I have been told by DD that if ever we split (not on the cards) she will not choose between us.

I think you will only cause upset by constantly correcting your DC on this. It is not about what you want or what is "factual", you are coming across as bitter and that is never positive.

As for being a MW and someone saying in front of you to their DC, obviously that was done to explain to you.

"It's hard when you're hurt" I get that.... think of it as a kindness you are doing for your DC and in the long term, for yourself. They will pick up on the bitterness and that will not be good for your relationship with them.

But the half does makes a difference to a lot of us also. Me saying 'never' was perhaps a bit harsh but it is the circumstances that surround having half siblings that usually mean they are not as close as full siblings. And I will be honest, IME being fully related does create a deeper bond.

Yes, I think the same would go for adopted siblings if two were full siblings and the third was an adoptee. If all were adoptees it would be different.

I never stated it was a fact. Of course it is my opinion.

'This is true of full siblings with large age gaps too.'
Not to the same extent. If parents are still together therefore equally invested in their shared biological child it doesn't create the same environment as blended families were stepparents are clearly not as bothered about their stepchildren as they are their own biological children.

I agree with your observations regarding custody etc. This is my point. If you have children that split their time between two households and one that doesn't because you are with the father/mother of that child, then it does create a feeling of inequality amongst the kids. Also, just the basic amount of time half/step siblings spend together as a result of shared custody means a lesser bond.

What is the likelihood of growing up in the same house though? It's an odd dynamic for children to not share the same parents, IDC what anyone says.
'Ok mum, and Sally, I'm off to my dads for 5 days now' While Sally stays in her home with her parents. It's dysfunctional. I knew I'd get a lot of flak for my comments but it is my lived experience and that is how it was.

That's probably just to curtail any judgement about having ten children, and because people think medical professionals might need to know exactly the family set up.