Half/step siblings

[Pickledeverything]

If your children have half or step siblings do you correct them when they say “brother/sister” so they use the proper term?

YABU - yes I do
YANBU - no I do not

It should be child led

Well you sound bitter. Why would you create rifts where there aren’t any? If your child thinks of another as their sibling, what on earth is wrong with that? My half sister is my sister. Stop policing other’s relationships

What is a half-cousin??? I have read this several times and cannot make sense of it.

My children call my partners Step Dad Grandad. He's a wonderful man and I wouldn't have it any other way. So my kids have 3 Grandads, so what 😊

Oh that's really sad actually. The op had obviously really turned things around and put her daughter first by the end of that thread. It looks like she's struggling again.

Op, maybe you need some therapy to help you with all this? You're hurting your daughter and I don't think you want that do you?

Yeah I call my DHs step-dad my FIL as DH calls him Dad. Not really seeing what the issue is here? Surely it's a really nice, healthy and positive thing?

I completely agree with you.. I would have never realised people had a problem with it until I read this thread!

If you have stepchildren living with you then I feel sorry for them. You must make them feel like 2nd class citizens

Well thankfully they don't! Only the OP it would appear!!

Yep, my dad’s stepdad was always my grandad. Never occurred to me to think otherwise.

I have two younger half siblings and as I’m a bit literal I tended to be explicit when introducing the eldest and call her my half sister until I realised it upset her (even though to me it didn’t change how much I loved her). Now I just say sister or brother as it indicates how I think of them, and don’t worry about being technically correct.

In usual chat we say sister.
I would say "my step daughter " to someone who didn't know who I'd mean by name.
She has never lived with us, and we have a good relationship with her mom. The term "half sister" get used when explaining relationships and literal family tree type. Or if explaining relationship to someone new/young. Like My kids ask me if I'm her step mom what's her mom to them. I say "your big sister's mom" 🤣 it is confusing for them but it's cute how they work it out. (They love their sister's mom when they see her)
One of mine when younger used to regularly ask big sister "I know who your mom is but who is your dad again?" 😂for some reason she couldn't grasp the same dad different mom thing. you could hear the cogs ticking over trying to figure out.

I think half-sibling and step-siblings are different in this regard. Very normal to refer to half brother or sister just as brother/sister but less usual to do that for step siblings.

If the children have a good relationship and consider each other as siblings why would you want to disrupt that? It sounds spiteful to me.

To clarify I have children from two marriages, someone once referred to "your half brother" to one of mine and they were totally confused and said, "Why would they say that?" I couldn't think of a way to justify it.

OP, do you think the reason you keep correcting her is deep down you are scared she will start to see her father’s home as her “family” home and choose to live there instead? Because I really don’t think that will happen, you will always be her mum.

When talking to professionals that's fine - it stops the professional going "ooh brave mummy" or concerned the parent doesn't have sufficient oversight of the many many kids etc. but doubt they police it at home.

And no, I have absolutely no issue with my kids calling my ex's partner of many years "mum" (not even step mum).

You sound really bitter and all you are doing is harming your relationship with your child.

I think it is fine to be factual with your children. It does not diminish the relationship.

She has been factual. That's not the issue. It hasn't been hidden from her and she hasn't been misled.

But she corrects her daughter every time when her daughter has the right to define her own relationships. Just as you have.

OP, you are her mum.

She also has a dad, half/step/whatever siblings and yes it sounds like a step-mum.

Her time with her dad will be different to her time with you.

Different doesn't always mean better.

Maybe she has a closer relationship with your extended family - cousins, grandparents. Maybe she values having her own space, quieter time, 1 on 1 time, prioritising her own activities when she is with you.

The only reason for you to "police" her language is because you are struggling to accept it. Your ex may have been the biggest twat in all of history. He hurt you and took away the future you expected to have with him, the life with him and your daughter. But you need to find a way to deal with the hurt for your and your daughter's sake.

Let her call her them siblings. Far better she has a close relationship with them than one where she is "othered". Prioritise her. You have the choice to do this - her father has to balance with other DC.

I think in some situations it does require clarification, and I would often throw in a line of clarification in those cases. But I wouldn't correct them at home because in our eyes she is their big sister.

I think we can guess which parent this child will be going low/no contact with as an adult as I reckon this is the tip of the iceberg.

I think that depends.

If there’s not a huge age gap between the step siblings and they’ve e.g. been in each other’s lives forever then it’s more normal to think of them as siblings because that’s the only relationship you’ve ever known, iyswim?

If the child is older when step siblings come on the scene then it’s more likely that you will think of them as step siblings, because you’re all already older.

My DC have a step sibling and a half sibling. They refer to their step sibling as “step” because they were tweens when her mum and their dad got together. But they have since had a child together and the DC refer to him as their brother.

But that might have been different if ex had got together with someone when they were tiny who also had tiny DC. Because they would literally have grown up together.

I really hope it does. Why should a child prefer a bitter, spiteful, jealous parent whose only agenda is herself over what clearly must be a loving family if the child is happy to see all the other children as her siblings.

I bet all of you who are moaning would also not be happy with your kids calling your ex’s gf their step mum. Because she’s not, she’s daddy’s gf ffs

No. That didn't bother me either.

I mean, if he'd dated loads of women and they'd all become step mum within a matter of weeks, yes, I'd have had an issue with that for my children's sake.

I also wouldn't have liked it if my exh had forced them to refer to her as step mum before they were ready. But, as neither of those scenarios were the case, I had no problem with her being 'step mum' before they married. Especially as she was very involved and that was the relationship they had.

Because it's the relationship that counts and children have the eight to define their own relationships as they wish.

Conversely, I did have an issue when my mum demanded that my infant son call her new partner, 'Grandad John'. Because they'd only been together for 3 months at the time, they married quickly and divorced just as quickly. This man ignored my son on the rare occasions they spent time together and so was not a grandad in any sense of the word.

We never saw him again after the divorce (the whole debacle.lasted for 18 months from meeting to divorce).

He was never a 'grandad'. But that's to do with the relationship not the biology.

Sadly for the OP, I suspect you're right.

That is just nasty. They do have brothers and sisters!