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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to publicly shame him?

68 replies

BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:02

My now ex and I separated a little over 3 years ago and divorced at the end of 2022. It was all deeply unpleasant and expensive for me as he didn't hire a lawyer. Since then, we have had very limited contact, and he has virtually no contact with our daughter.

As part of the divorce, I had the choice of buying him out or selling and splitting the proceeds. As we'd moved from North London to the West Coast, we only had a small Home Equity Loan. In the terms of the divorce, if I bought him out, I'd have to take on that loan, but if we sold it came out of the equity first before other disbursements (eg before his or my share, so we split that debt).

So, I sold the house in December and have bought a nice little place for me and my daughter, with a hefty mortgage.

Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday and today he emailed me to say he thought he wasn't supposed to pay half the Equity Loan, and he's talked to a lawyer about it.

I mean bad enough to be querying the settlement agreement 2 years later, but the day before our daughter's birthday??? Oh, and he's barely acknowledged Christmas or her birthday since we split. At Christmas he sent her what he thought was a funny card with Happy Birthday crossed out and Merry Christmas scrawled over it.

But I'd still be unreasonable to call him out for it on FB, wouldn't I? He blocked me for a while, then unblocked me in a fit of weird pleasantness. We're not friends on FB, but we still have plenty of mutuals, including a lot of my family members.

YABU - don't call him out publicly, it's childish
YANBU - call him out, the utter chiseling bastard!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:04

Just to add that I know I am in the right here legally and have confirmation of that from the attorney that handled my divorce.

OP posts:
fleeceoffluff · 19/02/2025 23:06

I think it's understandable that you'd like to call him out on Facebook but I also think it won't really make you feel better and could cause more problems than it's worth. I would by all means type out the post but make sure you set it to share with 'ONLY ME'. That way you get to vent but nobody else will actually see it. Also means it'll pop up on your memories next year and you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing you didn't air your laundry to all and sundry after all. Hope your daughter enjoys her birthday tomorrow and know that you will be the parent she remembers being there for her as she grows up.

MrsMoastyToasty · 19/02/2025 23:07

Wait until you actually get a letter from his solicitor. Until then do nothing.

Chariots77 · 19/02/2025 23:07

YANBU to think he's a useless pos, and a wrong pos. However I think you'd regret it if you called it out publicly

Original poster
BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:08

MrsMoastyToasty · 19/02/2025 23:07

Wait until you actually get a letter from his solicitor. Until then do nothing.

I think I've nipped it in the bud already. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/02/2025 23:11

IMO the majority of people think callouts on SM are unhinged.

I'd ignore him. But I certainly would not cover for him when speaking to people if the topic came up.

SkiingIsHeaven · 19/02/2025 23:13

Don't call him out on social media. You lose your power when you do that.

Be the bigger person and know that you are right.

HaveFaithMyChild · 19/02/2025 23:17

Could you get some sort of restraining order on him? I've seen celebrities and people on 24 Hours in Police Custody do it before.

If that fails just let the air out of his car tires.

Original poster
BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:21

HaveFaithMyChild · 19/02/2025 23:17

Could you get some sort of restraining order on him? I've seen celebrities and people on 24 Hours in Police Custody do it before.

If that fails just let the air out of his car tires.

He lives 1000s of miles away, otherwise I'd be tempted 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:23

I'm not going to call him out, I just really needed to vent about him. He's acting all hurt innocence now, claiming that memory issues prevented him from knowing the date, which is just ridiculous, the date is on your phone, your computer, easy to check.

OP posts:
rivalsbinge · 19/02/2025 23:24

Silence is your power here.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/02/2025 23:25

Rise above him, maintain your dignity, for your daughter's sake.

HelenCurlyBrown · 19/02/2025 23:28

Do not call him out publicly. Gossipers will delight in it and you’ll look bitter and unhinged.

Keep your dignity intact.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/02/2025 23:29

Agree with the rest of PP’s. Airing your dirty laundry on social media is never a good look. Imagine your DD finds it later on? Imagine that anything you write is in the public domain. It also just gives him power. Just hit him where it hurts - legally. Maybe tell the biggest gossip you know also, and let them spread it the old-fashioned way 🤣

MuddyPawsIndoors · 19/02/2025 23:30

Oh God no, don't be a FB 'popcorn poster'.

You'll come across as the crazy one, plus you should keep your dignity for your daughter's sake even if you don't want to keep it for yours.

Renamed · 19/02/2025 23:32

Isn’t he just trying to needle you? In which case you could just reply “Oh dear, I am afraid you are completely wrong, how disappointing for you. What have you got DD for her birthday?”

Newbie8918 · 19/02/2025 23:33

MuddyPawsIndoors · 19/02/2025 23:30

Oh God no, don't be a FB 'popcorn poster'.

You'll come across as the crazy one, plus you should keep your dignity for your daughter's sake even if you don't want to keep it for yours.

“Popcorn Poster” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m pinching this term!

I totally agree. Don’t do it OP. Take the high ground for your daughter’s sake if nothing else. You have more dignity than a FB rant!

PS. Hope ranting here makes you feel better and gives you some validation that he is in fact a massive POS

Barleysugar86 · 19/02/2025 23:35

I think the answer to the question of publicly shaming anyone on facebook is a no if it is anyone you have a personal connection to. It looks quite classless, although I do love the drama.

Someone you don't have a personal connection to- say the stranger checking your car door handles at 3am or stealing parcels off your porch caught on your ring camera- shame away, I think this is fine.

DonutCroissant · 19/02/2025 23:39

Don't do it. No one will really care. It will be the subject of gossip. You will look like you have lost control of yourself and the situation. It won't achieve anything.
Washing your dirty linen in public is never a good idea.

Thunderpants88 · 19/02/2025 23:40

I wouldn’t. Even when I know the history and it may be a parent treated poorly, I still think the poster has lost the argument and it’s pathetic. It makes me feel less empathy towards them, not more.

”if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing”
And “don’t air your dirty laundry in public”

rise above it

Caroparo52 · 19/02/2025 23:41

He's just trying to rattle you and knows full well the date is chosen to achieve maximum impact. Your key answer is silence. That will rile him the most. Until something official lands on your door just carry on ignoring him.
I would block also.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/02/2025 23:42

If anyone asked I would not lie to make him look reasonable. I'd say you can make it fairly plain and spread it around without an explicit 'outing' FB rant. He sounds a total tosser.

Toooldtorave · 19/02/2025 23:43

As much as I love a bit of fb shaming - when it’s valid and the party being shamed is usually a patronising pretentious nob, I agree with PP that you might regret it. But I’d wait until he’s had it confirmed to him (until the judge/court has had a good laugh in his face) and then I’d not keep it buttoned. I’d probably drop it into casual conversation with by besties.

mummytalking · 19/02/2025 23:45

No, don't, it looks childish and you have a kid to consider.

Meadowfinch · 19/02/2025 23:47

Don't lower yourself to his level. He's not worth the bother, just ignore him.

He's a cheap spineless p.o.s. and you are well rid of him, but you can leave it to your solicitor to tell him he's wrong, and he has to pay off his half of the loan.