To want to publicly shame him?

[BaMamma]

My now ex and I separated a little over 3 years ago and divorced at the end of 2022. It was all deeply unpleasant and expensive for me as he didn't hire a lawyer. Since then, we have had very limited contact, and he has virtually no contact with our daughter.

As part of the divorce, I had the choice of buying him out or selling and splitting the proceeds. As we'd moved from North London to the West Coast, we only had a small Home Equity Loan. In the terms of the divorce, if I bought him out, I'd have to take on that loan, but if we sold it came out of the equity first before other disbursements (eg before his or my share, so we split that debt).

So, I sold the house in December and have bought a nice little place for me and my daughter, with a hefty mortgage.

Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday and today he emailed me to say he thought he wasn't supposed to pay half the Equity Loan, and he's talked to a lawyer about it.

I mean bad enough to be querying the settlement agreement 2 years later, but the day before our daughter's birthday??? Oh, and he's barely acknowledged Christmas or her birthday since we split. At Christmas he sent her what he thought was a funny card with Happy Birthday crossed out and Merry Christmas scrawled over it.

But I'd still be unreasonable to call him out for it on FB, wouldn't I? He blocked me for a while, then unblocked me in a fit of weird pleasantness. We're not friends on FB, but we still have plenty of mutuals, including a lot of my family members.

YABU - don't call him out publicly, it's childish
YANBU - call him out, the utter chiseling bastard!

As you have your daughter to think of and hold the upper ground, keep on that path. True revenge is being the bigger person, following your priorities and morals and not stooping to the other person's level (they know you aren't like them then).
I think you know that and that's why you stopped and vented on here.
He truly is a sh1thead!

I saw a great thread on here with someone who would just respond to their exs madness with ‘ok let me know when’ or something to that effect.

Do not social media shame him, do not give him this power. Grey rock.!!!

I mean the likelihood he's personality disordered is high here. So the reaction to a public FB post will be bad and just lead to greater stress and anxiety.

I have personality disordered fuckers in my life. Completely ignoring any baiting behaviour and replying as if they didn't even speak with absolute calm is the way here. It's sooo difficult to do. Your emotions are so strong here understandably. They will play on that, they like it, they feed on it like parasitic arse worms.

Time is the only thing that leads to exposure. And he will be. He'll expose himself in the end.

Don't credit him with a response.

I just had to do a similar thing. It works so well.

You may be in the right but airing your dirty laundry in public (ie calling him out on fb) looks pretty desperate and tacky. It also makes it look
like you’re not over him because people who have genuinely moved on don’t do things like that. Be the bigger, classier person.

Good idea. I think the previous poster used, ‘Let me know how that goes’.
Rinse and repeat.

Grey rock.
That is all.
It is very powerful when you do it.
Cut him out of your thoughts.
He is not worth the energy.
Instead spend it on you and your beautiful child and the new life you have. ☀️

Don't do it op, you'll make yourself look bad, rise above lovely rise above

This.

You absolutely must completely ignore this message. Don't reply, don't put it publicly. Don't do anything.

Live in your peace ! Being the best parent you can be often means keeping a silent stance. Get ready for your and your girls big day tomorrow! Chances are hws doing it to be a twatend anyway

It's all done and dusted, he wants a do over because he didn't get what he wanted, 2 months after the fact!

If he didn't pay for a lawyer for his divorce,he hasn't paid for one now. He's obviously strapped for cash or he'd just be moving on.

Why would he message you directly rather than sending a letter through his lawyer if he was seriously pursuing this?

He probably chatted to a lawyer at a party , told them a load of half truths and got the answer he wanted to hear.

In the unlikely event that the lawyer gets the papers, he will get told it's a hopeless case and hopefully get a big bill for his troubles.

@BaMamma I'm agreement with everyone else OP. You have the moral high ground - stay there and don't lower yourself to his level. You already have your victory - the reminder that there was a really good reason you parted company with this fuckwit. Celebrate! (And give him the silent treatment. 😉 )

You're not unreasonable to want to do it. You would be unreasonable to actually do it.

Thanks to all of you. It really helped to have confirmation of his assholery.
It’s so tempting because I want my family to see him for what he is, but I guess it’s a long game.

Vent (in a reasonable duration) to your friends directly. Tell them all your fantasies about shaming him to the world and what you’d say to him if you thought for a minute he’d actually take it in.

But don’t do it. I don’t think I’ve ever thought well of someone airing that sort of conflict on social media. It feels like people are trying to make me part of their drama unwillingly and there’s just no constructive purpose. And generally the people who do engage with a post like that or don’t fund it distasteful will be in it for entertainment value.

I’m sorry your ex is a dick and a lousy father. I’m glad you’ve got a legal agreement in place (it’s worth the expense to get a solicitor, people) and can succinctly tell him to fuck back off again.

Retain a dignified silence. He doesn’t deserve any time spent on him and don’t give him the satisfaction. Although as a PP said, I wouldn’t cover for him when speaking to people if the subject arises.

Don’t post about him, that’s embarrassing for your daughter as well as yourself. Even if he’s a total tool, he’s still her dad so it wouldn’t be kind to her to bad mouth him and she might find out one day.

I wouldnt put anything online I dont want my child to see and in this case if you were happy for your child to see this I would genuinley be thinking about therapy

If you don't mind him posting about you on Facebook in retaliation, go ahead.

But yeah, people who make these posts just come across as bitter and it's all a little bit embarrassing.

Can't you just tell your family what he is like @BaMamma? Have they let you down as well? I am so sorry that you have gone through such a hard time, especially as you seem to be a very good and loving mum. If your family members aren't supporting you then I hope they soon learn to be ashamed of themselves.

However, through your thread you have shown what a strong and capable woman you are - in fact I am a bit in awe of you - so please try to not let any of your useless family members make you feel at all upset. They are the ones who are lacking, and are failing you.

You really have enough strength of character and determination to get through all of this, and your DC will not only appreciate you greatly as they grow up, but they will learn how to be as strong as their DM is. 😊xx

What a shitty person he is.

However, nobody in rl cares at all about the ins and outs of other people's relationship breakdowns.

I wouldn't bother saying anything on SM.

Just get through this and shed him entirely from your life (as much as possible) as soon as possible.